From mcafee Fri Feb 24 08:38:20 1995 From: R Preston McAfee Subject: George Bush "It's no exageration that the undecideds could go one way or another." -George Bush From mcafee Fri Feb 24 08:38:20 1995 From: R Preston McAfee Subject: The wisdom of Vice President Dan Quayle: "Verbosity leads to unclear, inarticulate things." "One word sums up probably the responsibility of any vice president, and that one word is 'to be prepared'." "It isn't pollution that is harming the environment. It's the impurities in our air and water." "I believe we are on an irreversible trend toward more freedom and democracy--but that could change." "We are going to have the best-educated American people in the world." [Speaking at a black college and trying to come up with A Mind Is A Terrible Thing to Waste]: "It's a terrible thing to lose one's mind." From mcafee Fri Feb 24 08:38:20 1995 From: R Preston McAfee Subject: One liners What's a blonde in a Volkswagen? Farfromthinkin. What has four legs and an arm? A VERY HAPPY pit-bull. What's 8 miles long and has an IQ of 40? The St. Patrick's Day parade. From mcafee Fri Feb 24 08:38:20 1995 From: R Preston McAfee Subject: Steroids From DAVE BARRY Ask yourself this question: Are you a guy of the male gender? If so, I advise you to report to prison immediately, because you are violating a federal law. I base this statement on a letter I got from alert reader Richard Watkins, M.D., who sent me a shocking medical document concerning the federal Anabolic Steroids Control Act. Steroids, as you know, are substances that some guys put in their bodies in an effort to develop bulging, rippling, sharply defined muscles like the ones Michael Keaton wore in ``Batman.'' This is foolish, because women are not attracted to rippling, sharply defined muscles. Women prefer a type of male physique that is known, in body-building circles, as: ``the newspaper columnist. '' This is a softer, more-rounded, aerodynamic shape, similar to the one used in the popular Ford Taurus station wagon. This physique has inspired a whole line of mature-guy casual pants, which go by the name ``Dockers'' because it was not considered a shrewd marketing move to come right out and call them ``Pants For The Bigger-Butted Man.'' But back to steroids: They have bad side effects, although it took medical researchers many years to discover this. They'd get a bunch of steroid users together and say, ``OK, anybody having bad side effects, raise your hand!'' The steroid users would strain and grunt like water buffaloes in labor, but due to their extreme muscularity they couldn't raise their hands above their waists. Many of them must press elevator buttons with their foreheads. The result was that medical researchers had no idea what kinds of problems steroids were causing until one day when they happened to ask for oral responses. Then they discovered the awful truth: Steroids can cause men to develop THICK AUSTRIAN ACCENTS. This is what happened to Arnold Schwarzenegger, who was actually born and raised in Topeka, Kan., and spoke like a regular American until he used steroids to build his body up to the point where he was legally classified by the U.S. Census Bureau as ``construction equipment.'' Today of course Arnold is a steroid-free person with a successful career as a versatile film actor who has played a variety of roles, ranging from a large man with a thick Austrian accent who throws bad guys off apartment roofs, to a large man with a thick Austrian accent who throws bad guys off HOTEL roofs. He's also an active Republican and was recently appointed chairman of the President's Council on Physical Fitness in a moving Rose Garden ceremony that culminated in Arnold throwing Sen. Edward Kennedy off the White House roof. So anyway, the government is cracking down on steroids. I thought this was a fine idea until I got Dr. Watkins' letter, which is written on a hospital physical-examination form, in the section headed ``Chief Complaint and Present Illness.'' ``Here I am,'' Dr. Watkins writes, ``sitting around in my doctor suit waiting for an emergency to happen, and suddenly I get a memo: ON FEB. 27, 1991, TESTOSTERONE WAS DECLARED A CONTROLLED SUBSTANCE, LIKE HEROIN. '' My immediate reaction was to think that Dr. Watkins had been wearing his stethoscope way too tight. But it turns out he's telling the absolute truth. With his letter, he enclosed a document from the Group Health Cooperative of Puget Sound, listing various types of anabolic steroids now controlled by the federal government, and TESTOSTERONE is on the list. I swear I am not making this up. This is a big problem, because MANY guys, including several known Supreme Court members, are walking around with testosterone in their, um, possession. They can't help it. As Dr. Watkins put it, in medical terminology, testosterone is ``a substance exuded by your you-know organs, hereinafter your Ralphs.'' In small quantities, testosterone produces only mild side effects, such as the inability to stop pressing the channel-changing button on the TV remote control. But at higher levels, testosterone causes destructive male behavior, the two most terrible kinds being: 1. War. 2. Do-it-yourself projects. It's a well-known fact that a male with even a moderate testosterone level would rather drill a hole in his hand (which he probably will) than admit, especially to his spouse, that he cannot do something himself. Put an ordinary male on the Space Shuttle, and within minutes he'll be telling his spouse that by God he'll repair the retro thruster modules, because if you call in NASA they'll just charge you an arm and a leg. I personally have destroyed numerous perfectly good rooms by undertaking frenzied testosterone-induced efforts to fix them up despite the fact that I have the manual dexterity of an oyster. Hundreds of years from now, archaeologists will look at my home-improvement projects and say, ``This civilization was apparently wiped out by a terrible natural disaster involving spackle.'' So we see that the criminalization of testosterone is a good thing. I'm not sure how the authorities will enforce this law, but I imagine they'll start by arresting those with obviously excessive testosterone levels, such as Warren Beatty, the National Hockey League, Bluto and Phyllis Schlafly. Eventually all of us guys will be arrested and placed in a rehabilitation program (motto: ``Just Say No To Ralph'') and they won't let us out until we pass a strict test wherein we have to hold a TV remote control in our hands and watch one show for THREE CONSECUTIVE MINUTES. From mcafee Fri Feb 24 08:38:20 1995 From: R Preston McAfee Subject: English Food "Speaking of food, English cuisine has received a lot of unfair criticism over the years, but the truth is that it can be a very pleasant surprise to the connoisseur of severely overcooked livestock organs served in lukewarm puddles of congealed grease. England manufactures most of the world's airline food, as well as all the food you ever ate in your junior-high-school cafeteria. Some traditional English dishes are Toad in the Hole, Bubble and Squeak, Cock-a-Leekie Soup, Spotted Dick, Bug-in-a-Bucket, Willie One-Polyp, Tonsil-and- Toast, Whack-a-Doodle Johnson, and Fester Pudding." From Dave Barry's The Only Travel Guide You'll Ever Need. I recommend this the next time you're crossing an ocean. From mcafee Fri Feb 24 08:38:20 1995 From: R Preston McAfee Subject: Rental Cars "[T]here's a lot of debate on this subject---about what kind of car handles best. Some say a front-engined car; some say a rear-engined car. I say a *rented* car. Nothing handles better than a rented car. You can go faster, turn corners sharper, and put the transmission into reverse while going forward at a higher rate of speed in a rented car than in any other kind." ---P. J. O'Rourke, Republican Party Reptile, Atlantic Monthly Press, 1987. From mcafee Fri Feb 24 08:38:20 1995 From: R Preston McAfee Subject: CHECKING ON OUR FRIENDLY NEIGHBORS TO THE NORTH -- by Dave Barry [01/10/93] It's time for Those Amazing Canadians, the popular feature wherein we examine the activities of our friendly neighbors to the North and secretly wonder if they are mixing their prescription medications again. As you may recall, when last we checked in on the Canadians, some of them were in a court of law in Ottawa, trying to induce a python to crawl into a toilet. At the time we thought this was unusual, but we now realize that luring snakes into commodes during judicial proceedings is fairly NORMAL, by Canadian standards. We base this statement on several news items we received from alert reader Marylu Walters, who lives in Alberta, which is one of Canada's provinces (the other one is ``Bernice''). These news items, from The Edmonton Journal, concern the small Alberta town of Glendon, where there is a local food item called the ``pyrogy,'' which is a kind of dumpling that can be stuffed with various foods such as cheese or sauerkraut. Pyrogys are very popular in Glendon, a fact that gave the mayor, Johnnie Doonanco, an idea. See if you can guess what his idea was. (Pause while you think up a pyrogy-related idea.) OK. Did you guess that Mr. Doonanco wanted to market an electric pyrogy-maker? Or hold a pageant to crown the Pyrogy Queen? WRONG. That kind of limited thinking shows why you're stuck with whatever dead-end hairball job you have, while Johnnie Doonanco is mayor of Glendon. His idea was -- we are not making this up -- to build THE WORLD'S LARGEST FIBERGLASS PYROGY. And he did it, too, by raising 62,000 Canadian dollars via private donations and a grant from the province government, which knows a shrewd investment opportunity when it sees one. According to the Journal, the giant pyrogy is ``almost nine metres high'' and ``weighs roughly 2,700 kilograms.'' Converting these figures from the Metric System to the Normal Human System ... let's see, move the decimal over and divide by the cosine ... we see that this is a large pyrogy. There's a color photograph of it in The Journal: It looks sort of like a mammoth white leech, except that the designers put it on the tines of a huge upthrust steel fork, so that onlookers would realize that it is in fact a tasty food item. The purpose of the pyrogy, of course, is to attract tourists. ``Hey, Marge!'' potential tourists as far away as Mobile, Ala., are probably remarking at this very moment. ``There's a giant fiberglass dumpling up in rural Canada! Pack your suitcase!'' Such is the power of this type of attraction. And that explains another Journal news item that Marylu Walters sent us. This one concerns the small Canadian town of Andrew, which recently, with the help of a provincial tourism grant, installed -- get ready -- the world's largest fiberglass duck. The Journal says it has a wingspan of 7.2 meters and weighs ``one tonne,'' which is how you spell ``one ton'' in metric. The story quotes town manager Albert Holubowich as saying that the residents chose the duck as their symbol because Andrew is near a duck sanctuary. ``It was either the duck or a chicken,'' he says, ``but a chicken has no connection or bearing to the village.'' We certainly agree with that. A giant chicken would be ridiculous. But what we're concerned about is this: Suppose some tourists happen to find themselves exactly halfway between Andrew and Glendon. One side of them would be attracted by the giant duck, and the other side would be attracted by the giant pyrogy, and they could literally explode right there on the spot, causing severe damage to the wheat crop. We hate to bring this up, but if we didn't, we'd have to get a real job. And there's another recent Canadian development we feel you should know about. Many alert readers have sent us an Associated Press report that begins as follows (we are still not making this up): ``VANCOUVER, British Columbia -- Female snails in certain polluted coastal harbors have been turning into males and growing penises, a researcher says. Snails undergoing the change, which some scientists think is caused by tin-based contaminants in the water, have been found almost everywhere University of Victoria biologist Derek Ellis and his colleagues looked for them.'' We're sure this alarming development is wreaking havoc in the snail community. A guy snail comes home from a hard day of sliming around, hoping to have an intimate moment with his mate, but when she finally takes off her shell ... YIKES! We hope the Canadian authorities are doing something about this. Their most likely move, of course, would be to build the world's largest fiberglass snail organ. You'd go up to see it, right? We thought so. Don't drink the water. From mcafee Fri Feb 24 08:38:20 1995 From: R Preston McAfee Subject: Canadians and Americans "Americans are proud of what they are-Americans! Canadians are proud of what they are not-Americans! Canadians are unrestrained in the advice they offer Americans. Americans offering advice to Canadians face a double whammy. If they say anything, it may be seen as provocative. If they say nothing, that can be even more offensive. Canadians arevery sensitive about their culture, and it is said, will defend it to the last subsidy. Americans have difficulty linking culture and subsidies, except a negotiator who once told me, `In America, sugar is culture.' Americans know they are Number One, but wonder how long it will last. Canadians know they are not Number One, and wonder if their country will last. Americans are still inspired by the `American Dream'. Canadians are reluctant to dream, except with the benefit of federal/provincial consensus (et dans les deux langues officielles). Americans think the best compliment they can offer is,` You're just like us.' For Canadians, the highest form of flattery is to be told, `You know, you really are different! And so it goes." -From a speech by then Canadian Ambassador to the US, Derek Birney-shortly after which he was replaced. From mcafee Fri Feb 24 08:38:20 1995 From: R Preston McAfee Subject: Canada Canadians had a choice: they could have adopted French culture, the British political system, and American knowhow. What they got was American culture, British knowhow, and French politics. From mcafee Fri Feb 24 08:38:20 1995 From: R Preston McAfee Subject: Why God Never Received Tenure at the University 1. Because he had only one major publication. 2. And it was in Hebrew. 3. And it had no references. 4. And it wasn't published in a refereed journal. 5. And some even doubt he wrote it himself. 6. It may be true that he created the world but what has he done since? 7. His cooperative efforts have been quite limited. 8. The scientific community has had a very rough time trying to replicate his results. 9. He never applied to the Ethics Board for permission to use human subjects. 10. When one experiment went awry, he tried to cover it up by drowning the subjects. 11. When subjects didn't behave as predicted, he often punished them, or just deleted them from the sample. 12. He rarely came to class, just told students to read the book. 13. He had his son teach the class. 14. He expelled his first two students for learning. 15. Although there were only ten requirements, most students failed his tests. 16. His office hours were infrequent and usually held on a mountain top. From mcafee Fri Feb 24 08:38:20 1995 From: R Preston McAfee Subject: From the Texas Bar Journal (an architect is testifying as an expert witness) Q: Did you inspect the entire home? A: We went through virtually every room. We may have missed a closet or two, but we went through most every room. Q: O.K. And did you inspect the outside of the home, also? A: Even looked in the attic above the garage. Above the entry. Q: Was there anything out at the [plaintiff's] home that you wanted to see or were not given the opportunity to see? A: Well, there was one room where some javelinas [wild pigs] were, but I didn't particularly need to see in there. --------------------------------------------------------------------------- Q: Now, Mrs. Deering, were you the daughter of W.T. "Hooker" Vandergriff, [deceased] as we all knew him? A: Yes, I was. Q: In what capacity? A: Well, he sired me. Q: I'm not sure I got the answer. Judge: I'm not sure I understood your question. In what other capacity could she be his daughter? Atty: We'll try it all over again. ---------------------------------------------------------------------------- (From the trial of a contest over two wills left by the late Walter) Q: When did you last see Walter? A: At the funeral. Q: Did he make any comment to you at that time? A: No. The judge commented later: I have wondered who might have been the most relieved that the answer was no: the jury, the opposing parties, the mortician, or the doctor who signed the death certificate. --------------------------------------------------------------------------- Q: Mike, your lawyer's given us three photographs and you've looked at them, haven't you? A: Yeah. Q: Who's the person in the picture? A: Me. Q: There are three photographs and you're in each one of them, weren't you? A: Yes. Q: Were you present when these were taken? From mcafee Fri Feb 24 08:38:20 1995 From: R Preston McAfee Subject: One liners How many feminists does it take to change a lightbulb? One, and THAT'S NOT FUNNY!!! What is a Texas satanist called? Beelzebubba. How can you tell if someone is a christian? Slap them and see if they turn the other cheek. From a woman on TV: I think, therefore I'm single. What are the two biggest lies told by cowboys? I won that belt buckle at the rodeo and I was just helping that calf over the fence. From mcafee Fri Feb 24 08:38:20 1995 From: R Preston McAfee Subject: Branch Davidians Did you hear that David Koresh finally quit smoking? What do David Koresh and Spike Lee have in common? They're both black. How do you pick up girls in Waco? With a dustbuster. From mcafee Fri Feb 24 08:38:20 1995 From: R Preston McAfee Subject: Childhood These are approximate quotes from a comedian whose name I don't recall. I don't know if it will work over email; the presentation was important. We had dumb toys as kids. Play money. Looked nothing like real money, its purple with a chicken in the middle. Then in small print: Not Legal Money. As if you're going to walk in a store and the clerk will read the fine print after they miss the purple chicken. Of course the clerks are such morons: 'Oh, we don't take Canadian money.' I broke my refrigerator. I was defrosting it with a sharp implement. I'm in there hacking away with a compass...no I was using a knife but you'd think you were on an arctic dig or something: There's a package of peas may still be alive in there! And you find things you forgot about: Oh, that's where I left the Shroud of Turin. I broke the refrigerator, and this moron comes to fix it and says "Its $1100 to fix it, or $400 for a new one". Gee, I'll have to get back to you on that one. The new refrigerator comes. You know many egg holes I got? Ten. I come home from the supermarket I have to eat two eggs immediately. They always do this to you. Hotdogs, twelve in a package, buns, eight! I'm in the supermarket trying to figure out the lowest common denominator...gee, I never thought I'd have a use for this stuff. What's that come out to, 24 packages of hotdogs? Lets have a cookout. It's hot, it's humid, it's 100 degrees, let's build a fire! My dad, Mr. Know-It-All, had to build the fire: "I know just how to arrange the briquets *geometrically*". Gee, you're a whiz dad, I never would have thought of a pile. He's always handing out advice. I had a mouse in my house. He said "Got a mouse? Get a cat to kill the mouse." Like I want Wild Kingdom in my kitchen. I don't want to see the food chain demonstrated in my home. Cats are psychotic. Why do cats suddenly, for no reason, decide they have to be in another room, urgently. "I'm supposed to be in the living room!!!" ZOOM! You can have a nervous breakdown with these relaxing pets. They rub on your leg "Love you." Means a lot from a cat, does the same thing to the coffee table: "You, too." People with fat cats never admit it "Oh that's just fur." Come on, I almost sat on the thing, I thought it was a bean bag chair. My brother had the worst pet of all, a hamster. The thing got sick and he took it into the vet! That's like bringing a disposable lighter in for repair. People have been saying to me my whole life: "You're so thin, you can eat whatever you want, I bet you really pack it away." I always say yes, because it's common knowledge that skinny people eat like pigs and fat people never touch food. Fat people very quick to tell you: I just look at food and I gain weight! It's a dangerous condition to walk around in. Walk into a supermarket and you can't get out. Someone says that to you, whip out a piece of cheesecake and watch their seams burst open. I just look at food...right before I suck it into my face! I've been thinking about this because my brother tried those chocolate diet candies...Ayds. Yes. You think the people that make those are just a little upset? I CAN'T BELIEVE THEY NAMED A FATAL DISEASE AFTER US! Talk about a marketing nightmare...why couldn't it have been doritoes? Or at least a candy that already sounds like a disease: Goobers. You think Ayds is a bad name for a candy, how about Trident Gum? You know what trident means in Latin? Three teeth. Time for sugarless! Who wants gum? Ahh doo. Ahh doo. I agree that something is lost without the presentation. And in other thoughts: Driving slowly to save gas is like writing slowly to save ink. From mcafee Fri Feb 24 08:38:20 1995 From: R Preston McAfee Subject: The Canonical Collection of Light Bulb Jokes Q: How many Californians does it take to change a light bulb? A: Six. One to turn the bulb, one for support, and four to relate to the experience. Q: How many Oregonians does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: Five. One to change the bulb and four more to chase off the Californians who have come up to relate to the experience. Q: How many New Yorkers does it take to screw in a lightbulb? A: None a ya damn business! A': 50. 50? Yeah 50; its in the contract. Q: How many WASPs does it take to change a light bulb? A: Two. One to call the electrician and one to mix the martinis. Q: How many Psychiatrists does it take to change a light bulb? A: Only one, but the bulb has got to really WANT to change. A': None; the bulb will change itself when it is ready. Q: How many programmers does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: None. Thats a hardware problem. A': Two. One always leaves in the middle of the project. Q: How many hardware folks/FSE's does it take to change a light bulb? A: None. That's a software problem. A': None. They always work in the dark!!!! Q: How many Unix hacks does it take to change a light bulb? A: As many as you want; they're all virtual, anyway. Q: How many Bell Labs Vice Presidents does it take to change a light bulb? A: That's proprietary information. Answer available from AT&T on payment of license fee (binary only). Q: How many graduate students does it take to screw in a lightbulb? A: Only one, but it may take upwards of five years for him to get it done. Q: How many `Real Men' does it take to change a light bulb? A:: None: `Real Men' aren't afraid of the dark. A:: None of your damn business! Q: How many `Real Women' does it take to change a light bulb? A: None: A 'Real Woman' would have plenty of real men around to do it. Q: How many Jewish mothers does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: None. ("Thats all right...I'll just sit here in the dark...") Q: How many Polacks does it take to change a lightbulb? A: Just one, but you need 6000 Russian troops in case he goes on strike! Q: How many marxists does it take to screw in a lightbulb? A: None: The lightbulb contains the seeds of its own revolution. Q: How many (Generals/Politicians) does it take to change a lightbulb? A: 1,000,001: One to change the bulb and 1,000,000 to rebuild civilization to the point where they need lightbulbs again. Q: How many survivors of a nuclear war does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: None, because people who glow in the dark don't need light bulbs. Q: How many nuclear engineers does it take to change a light bulb? A: Seven. One to install the new bulb and six to figure out what to do with the old one for the next 10,000 years. Q: How many pre-med students does it take to change a lightbulb? A: Five: One to change the bulb and four to pull the ladder out from under him. Q: How many Christians does it take to change a light bulb? A: Three, but they're really only one. Q: How many Christian Scientists does it take to screw in a lightbulb? A: None, but it takes at least one to sit and pray for the old one to go back on. Q: How many Roman Catholics does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: Two, one to screw it in, and another to repent. Q: How many jugglers does it take to change a light bulb? A: One, but it takes at least three light bulbs. Q: How many Feminists does it take to change a light bulb? A: Thats not funny!!! Q': How many Radcliffe girls does it take to change a light bulb? A': It's "Women" and it's not funny! Q: How many supply-siders does it take to change a light bulb? A: None. The darkness will cause the light bulb to change by itself. Q: How many supply-side economists does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: None. If the government would just leave it alone, it would screw itself in. Q: How many valley girls does it take to change a light bulb? A: Oooh, like, manual labor? Gag me with a spoon! For sure. Q: How many data base people does it take to change a light bulb? A: Three: One to write the light bulb removal program, one to write the light bulb insertion program, and one to act as a light bulb administrator to make sure nobody else tries to change the light bulb at the same time. Q: How many straight San Franciscans does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: Both of them. Q: How many Zen masters does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: A tree in a golden forest. A': Two: one to change the bulb and one not to change it. A": One to change and one not to change is fake Zen. The true Zen answer is Four. One to change the bulb. A'":Zen Masters don't need to screw in light bulbs because they carry their own light with them. Q: How many Carl Sagans does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: Billions and billions. Q: How many folk singers does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: Two. One to change the bulb, and one to write a song about how good the old light bulb was. Notes: This has also been said of Virginians. Q: How many surrealists does it take to change a light bulb? A: Two, one to hold the giraffe, and the other to fill the bathtub with brightly colored machine tools. Q: How many gorrilas does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: Only one, but it sure takes a lot of light bulbs! Q: How many doctors does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: Three. One to find a bulb specialist, one to find a bulb installation specialist, and one to bill it all to Medicare. Q: How many managers does it take to change a light bulb? A: Three. One to get the bulb and two to get the phone number to dial one of their subornidates to actually change it. Q: How many IBM types does it take to change a light bulb? A: 100. Ten to do it, and 90 to write document number GC7500439-0001, Multitasking Incandescent Source System Facility, of which 10% of the pages state only "This page intentionally left blank", and 20% of the definitions are of the form "A:...... consists of sequences of non-blank characters separated by blanks". Q: How many Bratzlaver Chassidim does it take to change a light bulb? A: None. They will never find one that burned as brightly as the first one. Q: How many gays does it take to screw in a lightbulb? A: Two. One to screw it in and the other to say "Fabulous." Q: How many professors does it take to change a light bulb? A: Only one, but they get three tech. reports out of it. Q: How many people from New Jersey does it take to change a light bulb? A: Three. One to change the light bulb, one to be a witness, and the third to shoot the witness. Q: How many does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: 10. One to hold the bulb and nine to rotate the ladder. Q: How many strong does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: 115. One to hold the bulb and 114 to rotate the house. Q: How many gods does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: Two. One to hold the bulb and the other to rotate the planet. Q: How many people does it take to throw away a one WATT bulb?? A: Five. A Black, a Jew, two women, and a cripple... Notes: topical to the resignation of Interior secretary James Watt in 1983 Q: How many cops does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: None. It turned itself in. Q: How many lawyers does it take to change a light bulb? A: How many can you afford? Q: How many football players does it take to change a lightbulb? A: The entire team! And they all get a semester's credit for it! Q: How many thought police does it take to screw in a lightbulb? A: None. There never *was* any lightbulb. Notes: Probably the only really good light bulb joke of 1984. Q: how many cabbage patch dolls does it take to change a lightbulb? A: the question is irrelevant since you couldn't find the dolls even if you knew how many. Notes: Topical to 1983 and the difficulty of obtaining cabbage patch dolls Q: How many Federal employees does it take to screw in a lightbulb? A: Sorry, that item has been cut from the budget! Q: How many psychics does it take to screw in a lightbulb? A: ---- You should have hit "n"! Q: How many "pro-lifers" does it take to change a light bulb? A: 6: 2 to screw in the bulb and 4 to testify that it was lit from the moment they began screwing. Q: How many sorority sisters does it take to change a light bulb? A: 51. One to change the bulb, and fifty to sing about the bulb being changed. Q: How many frat guys does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: Three: One to screw it in, and the other two to help him down off the keg. A': Five: One to hold the bulb, and four to guzzle beer until the room spins. Q: How many Harvard students does it take to screw in a lightbulb? A: Just one. He holds the lightbulb and the universe revolves around him. Q: How many bureaucrats does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: Two. One to assure the everything possible is being done while the other screws the bulb into the water faucet. Q: How many board meetings does it take to get a light bulb changed? A: This topic was resumed from last week's discussion, but is incomplete pending resolution of some action items. It will be continued next week. Meanwhile... Q: How many necrophiliacs does it take to screw in a lightbulb?" A: None, Necrophiliacs prefer dead bulbs. A': Only one. Oh, excuse me could you please test the socket with your finger while I go get a new bulb?" Q: How many brewers does it take to change a light bulb? A: About one third less than for a regular bulb. Q: How many Jewish-American Princesses does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: Two. One to get a Tab and one to call Daddy. Q: How many accountants does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: What kind of answer did you have in mind? Q: How many economists does it take to change a lightbulb? A: Two. One to assume the ladder, and one to change the lightbulb. Q: How many civil servants does it take to change the lightbulb? A: 45. One to change the bulb, and 44 to do the paperwork. Q: How many junkies does it take? A: Oh wow, is it like dark, man? Q: How many consultants does it take to change a light bulb? A: I'll have an estimate for you a week from Monday. Q: How many U.S marines does it take to screw in a lightbulb ? A: 50. One to screw in the lightbulb and the remaining 49 to guard him . Q: How many technical writers does it take to screw in a light-bulb? A: Just one, provided there's a programmer around to explain how to do it. Q: "How many Romulans does it take to screw in a light bulb?" A: "151, one to screw the light-bulb in, and 150 to self-destruct the ship out of disgrace." (Warning: do not tell this to Romulans or be ready for a fight. They consider this joke to be a discrace, though it is not bad for a LBJ.) Q: How many editors of Poor Richard's Almanac does it take to replace a light bulb? A: Many hands make light work. Q: How many Vulcans does it take to change a light bulb? A: "Approximately 1.00000000000000000000000" Q: How many members of the U.S.S. Enterprise does it take to change a light bulb? A: 7. Scotty will report to Captain Kirk that the light bulb in the Engineering Section is burnt out, to which Kirk will send Bones to pronounce the bulb dead. Scotty, after checking around, notices that they have no more new light bulbs, and complains that he can't see in the dark to tend to his engines. Kirk must make an emergency stop at the next uncharted planet, Alpha Regula IV, to procure a light bulb from the natives. Kirk, Spock, Bones, Sulu, and 3 red shirt security officers beam down. The 3 security officers are promply killed by the natives, and the rest of the landing party is captured. Meanwhile, back in orbit, Scotty notices a Klingon ship approaching and must warp out of orbit to escape detection. Bones cures the native king who is suffering from the flu, and as a reward the landing party is set free and given all of the light bulbs they can carry. Scotty cripples the Klingon ship and warps back to the planet just in time to beam up Kirk et. al. The new bulb is inserted, and the Enterprise continues with its five year mission. Q: How many efficiency experts does it take to replace a light bulb? A: None. Efficiency experts replace only dark bulbs. Q: How many Pygmies does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: At least three. (Notes: think height!) Q: How many actors does it take to change a lightbulb? A: Only one. They don't like to share the spotlight. Q: How many Chinese Red Guards does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: 10,0000 - to give the bulb a cultural revolution. Q: How many astronomers does it take to change a light bulb? A: None. Astronomers prefer the dark. Q: How many anarchists does it take to screw in a lightbulb? A: All of them. Q: How many TV comedians does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: Two, one to screw it in, and another to say "Sock it to Me." (Notes: Sock it = Socket. Also, the phrase was from "Laugh In.") Q: Do you know how many musicians it takes to change a lightbulb? A: No, big daddy, but hum a few bars and I'll fake it. Q: How many Ergonomicists does it take to change a light bulb? A: Five. Four to decide which way the bulb OUGHT to turn, and... Q: How many mystery writers does it take to screw in a lightbulb? A: Two, one to screw it almost all the way in and the other to give it a surprising twist at the end. Q: How many bikers does it take to change a light bulb? A: It takes two. One to change the bulb, and the other to kick the switch. Q: How many Field Service Engineers does it take to change a light bulb? A: That depends on how many defective bulbs they brought. Q: How many referral agents does it take to screw in a lightbulb? A: Two: One to screw you out of a fee, and the other to send you to a store where they ran out of bulbs weeks ago. Q: How many existentialists does it take to screw in a lightbulb? A: Two: One to screw it in and one to observe how the lightbulb itself symbolizes a single incandescent beacon of subjective reality in a netherworld of endless absurdity reaching out toward a maudlin cosmos of nothingness. Q: How many dull people does it take to change a light bulb? A: one. Q: How many big black monoliths does it take to change a light bulb? A: Sorry, light bulbs are an evolutionary dead end. Q: How many lightbulbs does it take to change a lightbulb? A: One, if it knows its own Goedel number. Q: How many lightbulb jokes does it take to change a lightbulb joke? A: The probability that a given lightbulb joke will be submitted to the net in any given week is .4, and the probability that it will have changed detectably since the last transmission is .2 . Hence (assuming independence, which is reasonable since no submitter of a lightbulb joke ever seems to know it has been submitted before, within the last 2 or 3 weeks), the probability that it will change in a given week is .08 . So it takes about 12.5 lightbulb jokes to change a lightbulb joke. Q: How many net.jokers does it take to tell yet-another LBJ? A: 1,622. One to tell the orginal joke, and the rest to give some minor variation of it! Q: How many netters does it take to submit a lightbulb joke? A: 1000: One to submit the joke and 999 to submit "How many programmers does it take to screw in a lightbulb? None, thats a hardware problem" From mcafee Fri Feb 24 08:38:20 1995 From: R Preston McAfee Subject: Old Quotes A smart career move. -Gore Vidal on Truman Capote's death. Aerobics comes from two greek words: "aero", meaning "ability to" and "bics" meaning "withstand tremendous boredom". -Dave Barry Republicans run on the platform that government doesn't work, then get elected to prove it. -P.J. O'Rourke Canada is a country so square that even the female impersonators are women. -Richard Brenner Love is more pleasant than marriage for the same reason that novels are more amusing than history. -Nicholas Chamfort Say what you want about the ten commandments, you must always come back to the pleasant fact that there are only ten of them. -H. L. Mencken A conference is a gathering of very important people who singly can do nothing, but collectively can decide that nothing can be done. -Fred Allen From mcafee Fri Feb 24 08:38:20 1995 From: R Preston McAfee Subject: Thanks, Mom. My mother sent me a card saying: Son, when we think of the man you've grown to be -- so responsible, independent and mature, we just have one thing to say... and then inside WHERE IS OUR REAL SON AND WHAT HAVE YOU DONE WITH HIM? From mcafee Fri Feb 24 08:38:20 1995 From: R Preston McAfee Subject: License plate humor F WE HD 2 WRT PAPRZ LK VNTY PLTZ R WRTN, IT WUD B VRY HD 2 CMUNKT, BT Z PAPRZ WUD B VRY SHRT, N JRNLZ THN. -PRTZN PS: U WR XPKTN Wm SAFYR, R A COMDN, PRAPZ? From mcafee Fri Feb 24 08:38:20 1995 From: R Preston McAfee Subject: Unsolicited manuscripts These are excerpts of unsolicited manuscriptis provided by a prominent New York editor of serious fiction. Harold slumped into a chair like slush down a sewer, stunned. "Yeah," the archeology professor said, "I recently asked Mr. Bowman, the principal here at Harvard, for a raise." I followed her body into the library, first with my eyes, then with my feet. It was well stacked with books. The church was as empty as the insides of a biopsy victim. "Pardon?" she asked in a tone that made me want to wash my hands. "Going to the washroom is one thing," I challenged her, "and sneezing with your eyes closed is another. And of course," I added sarcastically, "death is the baby that makes three." "What the hell do you think you're doing, Little Jr.?" Little Jr.'s father asked, his mouth smelling like a distillery out of the past. "Why *can't* we have a baby?" Jenny demanded. "Mass., Del., Mich., and Conn, are the only states where independent adoptions are outlawed." Insincerity always griveled at her, especially when it surrogated the truth. He became lost in his scalp, thinking dark thoughts. The blood crashing through my veins abruptly ceased its flow. All was silent now. I was dead. Bob was easy to recognize underwater. "You put a good front on," he flattered me. "But you don't fool anyone, let alone me." An ardent sex parasite, I often spent uncanny amounts of money for absolutely enchanting evenings of sexual gusto. Bobby Franklin's godmother Maisie said that he always gave her the impression of having just stepped off an ironing board. At first glance, she appeared fragile, but her shapely arms below the elbow belied this. David Manchester was no home body. He like to spend his days standing at the finnish line at the racetrack. Jane was bored silly with her job as secretary to the editor of a house organ at a paper cup factory. The minister was short, with meticulously cut short hair, a frail physique, and a quiet rash above his collar. She listened intently, with all her ears. A girl like Evelyn would stop at nothing to get her name in the footlights. The bookcase was made of solid walnuts and polished to a high shine. The nurse peeped into my bedpan and put it on the floor, whispering "sh." Her large grey eyes were the window of an unhappy soul which dwelled deep inside her. His eyes fell instantly on Trudy's black nightgown, which she was occupying. The man wore a charcoal-grey three piece suit and sported a diamond ring on his pinky that Sergeant Miller exaggerated to himself as being the size of a hamburger. Burt didn't wake Lana when he got home and when she woke in the morning his side of the bed wasn't soiled. Joannie's thoughts fell silent. The sweater was coral and snug, emphasizing her torso's assets. From the moment he crushed Cora's skull, he knew it was going to be a rotten Monday. "Damn," the sergeant said, lighting a cigar. "You'd think that women would learn not to go out and do their laundry alone. It's like they're looking for some kind of cheap thrill." My hand felt limp and my drink fell to the floor. I was soon to follow. Onwards down the street he trod, passing all those that passed him. My family was very close, having all grown up together. "She's sensational," Mike said enthusiastically. "Wait till you see her thick eyelashes and her jet blonde hair." Her long slender legs were cross, as if a sign to anyone from taking liberties with her while she slept. Catherine awoke in a panic that she was going blind, then she realized that her eyes were shut tight. It was the first rain the city saw in many months and the streets sounded like someone smashing potato[e] chips. Mrs. Smith's radio was singing a popular ditty. My day at work had been rather hectic for me, as it has been for the past several days, and I came home exhausted and angry at the world, and at Mr. Whipple in general. She tried desperately to be fair, weighting the question almost as a butcher would a side of beef on a large set of scales. If Darcy wanted to invite her to the prom she would be thrilled to say the most. "Frieda had destroyed, I hope only temporarily, a youthful part of me, the side which is optimistic and idyllic, that facet of my being that made me cope when the going got tough," Mel said, "and for that the bitch will pay with her life." Jonathan was ambitious, a freight train speeding toward a destination, wheels clinging to the track, metal exploding on metal, whistle screaming all the way. The judge was so fat he looked like he had about four people under his robe and they were playing bridge sort of to pass the time. "That just doesn't wash with me," Sandra declared. "I don't know why but I love you deeply, you creep." She broke off to blow her nose, then said, "Still, I'll be damned if I'll sneak around and be your mistress. Either you get rid of her forthwith or we split the sheets." He'd always hated being bound and gagged. She was a willowy, laughing history major and he was a good-looking guy himself. An endless succession of baby sweaters came from Geraldine's knitting needles. James would have never believed it could happen but six months went by. It was a good thing sweat could not be heard breaking out upon a body. Martin knew that under Jeannie's thin veneer of outward convention, she was totally naked. "I felt like you and I had something unfinished between us," she sobbed, "almost like a bridge that was meant to cross a river and then suddenly someone sawed it in half." I was completely disgusted with myself but had to acknowledge my trembling hands, shortness of breath, and whiteness of my face as downright terror -- I sensed some unknown danger, that was my trouble. She was not only well educated, but well versed in philosophy, history, literature and languages. [economics?] He snorted mentally. Her wince was almost audible. If worst came to worst, he could always go for Mark's juggler. Sure, Dale thought, that was easy for her to say -- she wasn't going bald. Her beautiful negligee never failed to bring out the man she loved. This particular group of coal minors was the lowest of the low. She did not die of the rapist's knife but from the deep wound in her ashamed soul. Dancing to the strains of a good conservative band was fun though it served no utilitarian purpose. [the author must be a Chicago or UCLA Ph.D.] --------------------------------------------------------------------------- Editorial notes: 1. Key misspellings (e.g. finnish, walnuts, minors) were in the original. 2. Sqaure brackets [] are editorial comments, not in the original. Final remark. The best mixed metaphor I ever heard was a comment on Jimmy Carter's decision not to deploy the neutron bomb in Europe, after getting the the Nato allies to support this decision. The comment was: He got them to crawl out on a limb and then pulled the rug out from under them. If you know a better one, I want to hear it. From mcafee Fri Feb 24 08:38:20 1995 From: R Preston McAfee Subject: One-Liners Here are some recent offerings from Group J: Why do computer programmers have so much trouble washing their hair? The instructions say "Lather, rinse, repeat". One feminist says to the other, "How many men does it take to change a lightbulb?" The other replies, "I don't know but I'd sure like to cut his balls off". How many feminists does it take to change a lightbulb? Two. One to do it and one to talk about how much more satisfying it was than sex with a man. What does an attorney use as a contraceptive? His personality. From mcafee Fri Feb 24 08:38:20 1995 From: R Preston McAfee Subject: CANADIAN WORMS: CASH CROP OR JUST SLIMY SPEED BUMPS? by Dave Barry I am sick and tired of waiting for our so-called leaders to stop nattering about the federal budget deficit and instead roll up their sleeves and do something about the worsening Canadian earthworm crisis. In case you are not aware of this crisis (which was brought to my attention by alert readers Nadine Lindst and Carla Hagstrom), let me bring you up to speed: In early May, the Canadian Press Service sent out a report that began: "GEORGETOWN, Ontario. More than 50 worm pickers beat each other with steel pipes and pieces of wood in a battles over territory." The story states that two rival worm-picking groups "arrived at the same spot at the same time" and started fighting over who would pick the worms there. A number of people were hospitalized, four cars were wrecked, and a van was set on fire. At this point, you have the same questions I did, namely: 1. These people were fighting over *WORMS*? 2. Is there some kind of new drug going around Canada? In an effort to answer these questions, I called Canada, which has telephones, and spoke with detective Sgt. Michael Kingston of the Halton Regional Police. He told me that worm picking is a big deal in Ontario, which produces a long, fat style of worm that is prized by fisherpersons as well as fish. "There's a huge market," Kingston said. "On a good evening, an industrious worker can make about $185 picking these worms." He said there's intense competition for prime picking locations such as golf courses, where the worms come to the surface at night to breed and smoke cigarettes. No, I'm kidding about the smoking. Worms aren't that stupid. They come to the surface to breed and soak up dew. Kingston said the worm pickers, many of whom are Vietnamese immigrants, wear miners' hats with headlamps and drop the worms into cans strapped to their ankles. Doesn't that sound romantic, in a Wild West kind of way? I like to think that, at the end of the night, the pickers, ankle cans clanking, stride into the Worm Pickers Saloon, where they pay for their whiskey by slapping hefty nightcrawlers down on the table. But this is not what happens. What happens is that the pickers load vast quantities of worms into their vehicles and proceed to drive on Canadian highways. This has led to a scary new development: worm spills. I am not making this up. Here's a quotation from a May 25 story written by Timothy Appleby for the Toronto Globe and Mail: TORONTO: A van carrrying a group of Vietnamese worm pickers overturned west of Toronto yesterday morning, leaving eight people injured... The accident occurred a few hundred metres from where another van full of Vietnamese worm pickers crashed and rolled 10 days ago, sending 18 people to the hospital. The story quotes a constable as saying "I've never seen so many worms in my life." As any traffic-safety professional will tell you if he has been drinking, worms on the highway are a recipe for disaster. Suppose a crowded tour bus is tooling along a Canadian highway at a metric speed of 130 hectares per centigram, the unsuspecting passengers chatting away happily in Canadian ("Eh?" "Eh?" "Eh?") when suddenly their laughter turns to screams ("EHHHHH!!") as the bus encounters a giant worm slick and spins, out of control, off the road, and the passengers are hurled out of doors and windows, landing in the Canadian woods, injured and moaning ("ehhhhh"), unable to protect themselves from wild mooses pooping on them or sadistic beavers repeatedly tail-slapping their faces. Your natural reaction, as a humanitarian, is: "So?" But perhaps you will not be so blase when I inform you that, according to a Canadian bait expert quoted in the Globe and Mail (I still am not making this up), most of the Canadian worm crop is shipped, in tractor-trailers, TO THE UNITED STATES. Yes. This means you could find yourself in a car directly behind a large truck containing, by a conservative estimate, 137.4 bazillion Canadian earthworms (even more, if they've been having sex in there). And if, God forbid, something went wrong and the truck's entire cargo suddenly got dumped onto the road, you could find yourself plowing, at upward of 60 miles per hour, into a writhing, slime-intensive worm mass nearly twice the size of Rush Limbaugh. What can we do to prevent this? The obvious solution, of course, is to set up a Worm Blockade on the border, enforced by U.S. Customs agents, who would inspect incoming trucks with the aid of fiercely loyal, specially trained worm-sniffing trout. ("Rex found some! Good BOY, Rex!") But this would only drive the worm traffic underground (rim shot). A better long-term solution would be a massive federal "Buy American" program aimed at the U.S. worm consumers, including the requirement that all domestic worms be clearly labelled "DOMESTIC WORM." This would also create jobs in the chronically depressed U.S. worm-branding industry. Oh, there would be Canadian objections ("Eh!"). But that is precisely why we have nuclear weapons. If you agree with me on this issue, I urge you to send a strongly worded letter to: Failed President Clinton, c/o Air Force One, Runway 17. Another thing you should do, if you agree with me on this issue, is seek professional help. From mcafee Fri Feb 24 08:38:20 1995 From: R Preston McAfee Subject: FAILED CLINTON ADMINISTRATION SIGNS UP GERGEN JUST IN TIME by Dave Barry The time has come for unbiased observers such as myself to make a fair and objective assessment of the first roughly 187 days of the failed Clinton administration. I would say it did pretty well until the inauguration. There had been great excitement as "The Man >From Hope Via Oxford And Of Course Yale Law School" came to Washington, bringing with him a new vision for America and numerous 18-point programs and a cat. He also brought a close-knit, battle-hardened staff of smart, tough, fiercely dedicated, loyal, savvy, gung-ho junior-high-school students, who immediately set about the task of transforming the federal government from a bloated money-hemorrhaging bureaucracy into a bloated money-hemorrhaging bureaucracy in which they had reserved parking places. They worked long hours, burning the midnight oil night after night, seven days a week, week after week, until finally, possibly as a direct result of inhaling oil fumes, they began displaying the shrewd political savvy of floor wax. The unfortunate result was a series of administration blunders, culminating in the debacle wherein the president got a $200 haircut on the airport runway. Mr. Clinton also had problems with major nominations, as was evidenced by his decision to give the U.N. ambassadorship to Gennifer Flowers. But at least that time he *MADE* a decision. Most of the time, he appeared to be highly indecisive, especially when he was trying to pick a Supreme Court nominee; at one point, his staff leaked the names of roughly 350 simultaneous front-runners, including Raymond Burr. You had all these people convinced that they were going to get the job, which made for a pretty awkward scene when the president finally made the announcement: PRESIDENT CLINTON: ...and so I am very pleased to announce the nomination of the person I truly feel is best qualified for this critical position, and that person is ...(flip...) Tails! It's what's her name! The little short lady with three names! BRUCE BABBITT (lunging out of the crowd): Let me see that coin! You can't do this, you son of a BOOOFF (He is felled by Hillary Rodham Clinton, who happens to be armed with her Top Secret 5,364 page, 71 pound plan to simply the U.S. health care system.) To make matters worse, Mr. Clinton was not getting along with the White House press corps, as could be detected by the outwardly respectful, yet subtly negative tone of the questions he was asked ("Mr. Clinton, sir, with all due respect, sir, are you a big hiney-head, or what?"). The press corps tends to be testy, and you would understand why if you saw the White House press facility. It's nothing like the Green Room or the East Room; it's more like the Dumpster Room. It's cramped and grungy, and there are reporters in there who have been sitting around since the Lincoln administration, surviving on vending-machine food that looks like the result of unsuccessful attempts to clone plywood. So the reporters were already in a cranky mood when this new president came swooping in and started yammering day and night about his economic package. Reporters believe there is nothing more boring than an economic package, except maybe an environmental package. The press corps had grown accustomed to George Bush, who did not take his packages seriously; and Ronald Reagan, who believed deeply in his packages but could not remember what they were. So whenever President Clinton tried to talk about the economy, the press corps, to be ornery, asked questions about something else. If the Clinton strategists had been smart, they'd have used reverse psychology to trick the press corps into asking the right kinds of questions: PRESIDENT CLINTON: I'd like to start by announcing that last night I lost $3.7 billion and a naval base playing golf with Michael Jordon. Naked. I'll take your questions. PRESS CORPS MEMBER (suspiciously): What about your economic package? Anyway, the bottom line is that it has not been a great first 187 days. But it's getting better. The White House has a new direction and purpose, which is being provided by David Gergen, the same man who provided direction and purpose for the Reagan White House (he's also available for weddings and bar mitzvahs). Gergen has turned the administration around via the shrewd tactic of having President Clinton meet with reporters only while standing in front of a very loud helicopter while Nancy Reagan, who has come out of retirement, plucks at his sleeve. So once again the country appears to be headed in the right direction. There's even talk that, some time this fall, if conditions are right, we're going to invade Grenada. And here's another piece of good news: For some unknown reason, we're suddenly *VERY* popular in the U.N. From mcafee Fri Feb 24 08:38:20 1995 From: R Preston McAfee Subject: Etymology Some of you know this already, but an oxymoron is itself a one word oxymoron: from oxy [sharp] and moros [dull], both from greek. Other words that exemplify themselves are polysyllabic and pentasyllabic. From mcafee Fri Feb 24 08:38:20 1995 From: R Preston McAfee Subject: This is dedicated to Charles Swanson, sailor extraordinaire. CALL OF THE SEA IS BEST LEFT TOTALLY IGNORED by Dave Barry There comes a time in a man's life when he hears the call of the sea. "Hey, YOU!" are the sea's exact words. If the man has a brain in his head, he will hang up the phone immediately. That's what I should have done recently when I was called to the sea by my friends Hannah and Paddy, who had rented a sailboat in the Florida Keys. They love to sail. Their dream is to quit their jobs and sail around the world, living a life of carefree adventure until their boat is sunk by an irate whale and they wind up drifting in a tiny raft and fighting over who gets to eat the sun block. At least that's the way I see it turning out. The only safe way to venture onto the ocean is aboard a cruise ship the size of a rural school district. Even then you're not safe, because you might become trapped in your cabin due to bodily expansion. Cruise ships carry thousands of tons of high-calorie food, and under maritime law they cannot return to port until all of it has been converted to passenger fat. So there are at least eight feedings a day. But on cruise ships you rarely find yourself dangling from poles, which is more than I can say for the sailboat rented by Hannah and Paddy. The captain was a man named Dan, who used to be a race-car driver until he had heart trouble and switched from fast cars to sailboats, which are the slowest form of transportation on Earth with the possible exception of airline flights that go through O'Hare. Sometimes I suspect that sailboats never move at all, and the only reason they appear to go from place to place is continental drift. Nevertheless, we were having a pleasant day on Captain Dan's boat, the Jersey Girl, doing busy nautical things like hoisting the main stizzen and mizzening the aft beam, and meanwhile getting passed by other boats, seaweed, lobsters, glaciers, etc. The trouble arose when we attempted to enter a little harbor so we could go to a bar featuring a band headed by a large man named Richard. This band is called - really - "Big Dick and the Extenders." We were close enough to hear them playing when the Jersey Girl plowed into what nautical experts call the "bottom." The problem was an unusually low tide. Helpful people in smaller boats kept telling us this. "It's an unusually low tide!" they'd shout helpfully as they went past. They were lucky the Jersey Girl doesn't have a cannon. We'd been sitting there for quite a while when Captain Dan suggested, with a straight face, that if some of us held onto a large pole called the "boom" and swung out over the water, our weight might make the boat lean over enough to get free. I now realize that this was a prank. Fun-loving sailboat captains are probably always trying to get people out on the boom, but most people aren't that stupid. We, however, had been substantially refreshed by beverages under a hot sun, so we actually did it. Four of us climbed up, hung our stomachs over the boom, kicked off from the side of the boat, and NOOOOOO.... Picture a giant shish kebab skewer sticking out sideways from a boat ten feet over the water, except instead of pieces of meat on it, there are four out-of-shape guys, faces pale and sweating, flabby legs flailing, ligaments snapping like rifle shots. We instantly became a tourist attraction. A crowd gathered on shore, laughing and pointing. Some of them were probably sailboat captains. Look!" they were probably saying. "Captain Dan got *FOUR* of them out on the boom! A new record!" Meanwhile, next to me, Paddy, a middle-aged attorney who is not, let's be honest, built like an Olympic gymnast, who is in fact built a lot like a gym, was saying, in an unusually high voice, "We better bring the boom back now. OK? Now? OK?? WE BETTER BRING THE BOOM BACK NOW! BRINGTHEBOOMBACKNOW!! I SAID..." "HANG ON!" Captain Dan was shouting. "She's about to move!" People on shore were now taking pictures. "IT'S AN UNUSUALLY LOW TIDE!" a helpful boater was shouting. "Please," Paddy was saying, very quietly now. "I think she's moving!" Captain Dan sang out. In fact the Jersey Girl was exhibiting no more floatation than central Nebraska. As I clung to the boom, listening to Paddy whimper, two thoughts penetrated my pain: (1) He was PAYING for this experience; and (2) If you have to die, you want it to be for a noble cause. You don't want it to be for "Big Dick and the Extenders." It turned out we didn't die. We finally got swung back onto the boat and began thinking about leading our lives without ever moving any muscles again. And eventually Captain Dan got the boat unstuck. He needed the help of a motorboat. I am certain this was also true of Columbus. From mcafee Fri Feb 24 08:38:20 1995 From: R Preston McAfee Subject: DAVE BARRY'S ADVICE ON HOW TO ACT IN A MEETING This depends on the kind of meeting it is. There are two major kinds: 1. MEETINGS THAT ARE BASICALLY HELD FOR THE SAME REASON THAT ARBOR DAY IS OBSERVED, namely, tradition. For example, a lot of managerial people like to meet on Monday, because it is Monday. You'll get used to it. You'd better, because this kind of meeting accounts for 83 percent of all meetings held (based on a study in which I wrote down numbers until one of them looked about right). This kind of meeting operates the way "Show and Tell" operates in nursery school, with everybody getting to say something, the difference being that in nursery school the kids actually have something new to say. When it's your turn, you should say you're still working on whatever it is you're supposed to be working on. This may seem pretty dumb, since *obviously* you'd be working on whatever you're supposed to be working on, and even if you weren't, you'd *claim* you were, but this is the traditional thing for everybody to say. It would be a lot faster if the person running the meeting would just say "Everybody who is still working on whatever he or she is supposed to be working on, raise your hand!" You'd all be out of there in five minutes, even allowing time for jokes. But this is not how we do it in America. My guess is, it's how they do it over in Japan. 2. MEETINGS WHERE THERE IS SOME ALLEGED PURPOSE. These are trickier, because what you do depends on what the purpose is. Sometimes the purpose is harmless, like somebody wants to show everybody slides of pie charts and give everybody a big fat report. All you have to do in this kind of meeting is sit there and have elaborate sexual fantasies, then take the report back to your office and throw it away, unless of course you're a vice president, in which case you write the name of a subordinate in the upper right hand corner, followed by a question mark, like this: "Norm?" Then you send it to Norm and forget all about it (although it will plague old Norm for the rest of his career). But sometimes you go to meetings where the purpose is to get your "input" on something. This is very serious, because what it means is, they want to make sure that in case whatever it is turns out to be stupid or fatal, you'll get some of the blame. I mean, if they thought it was any good, they wouldn't want your "input," would they? So you have to somehow escape from the meeting before they get around to asking you anything. One way to do this is to set fire to your tie. Another is to have an accomplice interrupt the meeting and announce that you have a phone call from somebody very important, such as the president of the company or the Pope. It should be either one or the other. It would sound fishy if the accomplice said, "You have a call from the president of the company, or the pope." From mcafee Fri Feb 24 08:38:20 1995 From: R Preston McAfee Subject: Rejoinder to the infamous blonde jokes [ed: I received a long list of blonde jokes by email, which I forwarded on without examining. After two complaints that they were disgusting, I examined them, and issued an apology. They were disgusting. The best response to the blonde jokes that I received is contained below. The author, Alan Slivinski, gave me permission to forward it.] I am forwarding this on, with permission of the author > >Damn good thing they weren't Polish jokes. > >To wit; > >What does a woman who marries a Polack get that's long and hard? > >A last name. > >I started to respond to the lady who told me this by saying, `Well, mine's not >that hard', but bit my tongue, fortunately. > >Al > My Addendum: And before you send the irate responses, Al's last name is Slivinski. From mcafee Fri Feb 24 08:38:20 1995 From: R Preston McAfee Subject: TOILET SNAKES By Dave Barry As you are aware if you follow international events, over the past year I have written a number (two) of columns about the worldwide epidemic of snakes in toilets. As a result I have received many letters from people who have had personal toilet-snake encounters, to the point where I now consider it newsworthy when somebody reports NOT finding a snake in a toilet. But now I am getting nervous. I say this because of a recent alarming incident wherein a woman, attempting to use her commode, was attacked in an intimate place _ specifically, Gwinnett, Ga. _ by a SQUIRREL. I have here an article from The Atlanta Journal-Constitution, written by Gail Hagans and sent in by a number of alert readers. The headline _ a textbook example of clear journalism _ states: ``Squirrel somehow makes way into commode, scratches Gwinnett woman's behind.'' I am not making this headline up. The woman is quoted as follows: ``I went to the bathroom and lifted the lid and sat down. That's when I felt something scratching my behind.'' So, following the recommended ``Jump, Slam, Call and Tell'' emergency procedure, she jumped up, slammed the lid down, called her husband at work and told him to come home immediately, which he of course did. We may live in an age of gender equality, but men have a protective instinct that dates back millions of years, to when they would have to defend their mates from such vicious predators as the saber-toothed tiger and the mastodon (toilets were much bigger in those days). Unfortunately, by the time the husband got home, the squirrel had drowned, forcing us to once again ask WHEN the failed Clinton administration will demand that ALL commodes be equipped with tiny life preservers. But that is not the issue at hand. The issue at hand is that the squirrel apparently got into the plumbing system via a roof vent, which means that if you, like so many people, have a roof, your toilet is vulnerable to ANY organism with a long narrow body, including (but not limited to) otters, weasels, dachshunds, squids and international fashion models with only one name, such as ``Iman.'' But that is by no means the only major toilet development. There is also the Mystery Toilet in Texas that produces ballpoint pens. I am not making this up, either. According to a story in the Wichita Falls (Tex.) Times/Record News, written by Steve Clements and sent in by several alert readers, a man named David Garza of Henrietta, Tex., has fished 75 Papermate ballpoint pens out of his toilet over the past two years, sometimes as many as five pens per day. Garza has no idea where they're coming from, and neither do the local sewer authorities. The story was accompanied by a photograph of Garza sitting on the bathtub next to the Mystery Toilet, holding a pen, looking like a successful angler. I called him immediately. ``What's the status of the toilet?'' I asked. ``It's still a mystery,'' he said. He said he hadn't found any new pens since the newspaper story, but that he has become something of a celebrity. This is understandable. People naturally gravitate to a man who has a Mystery Toilet. ``Everywhere I go,'' he said, ``people say to me, `Hey, you got a pen?''' I asked him if the pens still write, and he said they do. ``Papermate ought to make a commercial out of this,'' he said. ``The slogan could be, `We come from all over and write anywhere.' You know, like Coca-Cola, `It's there when you need it.''' Actually, I don't think that's Coca-Cola's slogan. But Garza's statement got me to thinking about a possible breakthrough TV commercial wherein an athlete is standing in the locker room, sweating, thirsty as heck, and the toilet gurgles, and up pops a nice refreshing can of Coke. Yum! A commercial like that might be exactly what Coca-Cola needs to counteract all the free media attention Pepsi got recently with the syringe thing. But the question is: Why are Papermate pens showing up in this toilet? There's only one logical explanation _ I'm sure you thought of it _ ALIEN BEINGS. David Garza's toilet is apparently connected to some kind of intergalactic sewage warp, through which aliens are trying to establish communication by sending Papermate pens (which are for sale everywhere). Probably they want us to write down our phone number on a piece of Charmin and flush it back to them. Speaking of toilets and communication, you need to know about a TV-review column from The Daily Yomiuru, an English-language newspaper published in Japan. The column, sent in by alert reader Chris Graillat, states that there's a children's TV show in Japan called ``Ugo Ugo Ruga,'' which features _ I am still not making this up _ ``an animated character with heavy eyebrows called Dr. Puri Puri (Dr. Stinky), a piece of talking excrement that keeps popping up from the toilet bowl to express strange platitudes only an adult can fathom.'' You're thinking: ``Hey! Sounds like Henry Kissinger!'' No, seriously, you're thinking that there are indeed some scary worldwide developments occurring in toilets, and the international authorities had better do something about it. And then they'd better wash their hands. From mcafee Fri Feb 24 08:38:20 1995 From: R Preston McAfee Subject: Descartes Rene Descartes is having a few drinks with his friend, Count Abel. Abel asks "Rene, would you like another?" and Descartes replies "I think not" and then instantly dematerializes. From mcafee Fri Feb 24 08:38:20 1995 From: R Preston McAfee Subject: Polish sausage >From SLIVINSKI@sscl.uwo.ca Tue Sep 7 13:27:42 1993 From: SLIVINSKI@sscl.uwo.ca To: mcafee@mundo.eco.utexas.edu Subject: Re: Fellow walks into a store, orders a pound of Polish sausage. Shopkeeper: `You must be Polish.' F: (irate) Hey, if I'd ordered German Bratwurst, would you have asked me if I'm German?' S: `Well, no.' F: And if I'd ordered a loaf of Jewish rye, would you have asked if I was Jewish?' S; `Probably not.' F: So why do you ask if I'm Polish, just because I ordered Polish sausage?' S: Because this is a hardware store. From mcafee Fri Feb 24 08:38:20 1995 From: R Preston McAfee Subject: redundancies, tautologies, non-sequiturs and oxymorons If you think this is a little too long, you should have seen it when I got it. _____ When large numbers of men are unable to find work, unemployment results. Calvin Coolidge Black Light I'd give my right arm to be ambidextrous. Postal Service Striped paint. jumbo shrimp That shoe fits him like a glove. Plastic lemons, rubber bones, bricked-up windows, artificial grass, plastic flowers, invisible ink. People have one thing in common: they are all different. The trouble with our times is that the future is not what it used to be. Paul Valery Often it is fatal to live too long. Racine As famous as the unknown soldier. Anyone who isn't confused here doesn't really know what's going on. I must follow the people. Am I not their leader ? Benjamin Disraeli The saddest moment in a person's life comes but once. He lived his life to the end. You always find something in the last place you look. Brain: an apparatus with which we think we think. Ambrose Bierce You can observe a lot just by watchin'. Yogi Berra The English certainly and fiercly pride themselves in never praising themselves. Wyndham Lewis I am not sincere, even when I say I am not. Jules Renard You've no idea of what a poor opinion I have of myself, and how little I deserve it. W.S. Gilbert Great Rules for writing from William Safire in the New York Times. Do not put statements in the negative form. And don't start sentences with a conjunction. It is incumbent on one to avoid archaisms. If you reread your work, you will find on rereading that a great deal of repetition can be avoided by rereading and editing. Never use a long word when a diminutive one will do. Unqualified superlatives are the worst of all. De-accession euphemisms. If any word is improper at the end of a sentence, a linking verb is. Avoid trendy locutions that sound flaky. Never, ever use repetitive redundancies. Also, avoid awkward or affected alliteration. Last, but not least, avoid cliche's like the plague. "Have you lived in this village all your life?" "No, not yet." Inform all the troops that communications have completely broken down. Ashleigh Brilliant Nobody goes to that restaurant anymore. It's too crowded. Just the omission of Jane Austen's books alone would make a fairly good library out of a library that hadn't a book in it. Mark Twain From mcafee Fri Feb 24 08:38:20 1995 From: R Preston McAfee Subject: Quotes from Samuel Goldwyn, immigrant turned famous movie producer Quick as a flashlight. It rolled off my back like a duck. (When told his son was getting married) Thank heaven. A bachelor's life is no life for a single man. A hospital is no place to be sick. Our comedies are not to be laughed at. I can give you a definite perhaps. (when told a script was full of old cliches) Let's have some new cliches. ("You say you've never made a picture before?") Yes, but that's our strongest weak point. Gentleman, include me out. A verbal contract isn't worth the paper its printed on. I can tell you in two words: im possible. (on being told that a friend had named his son Sam, after him) Why did you do that? Every Tom, Dick and Harry is named Sam! I paid too much for it, but its worth it. Gentlemen, for your information, I have a question to ask you. I read part of it all the way through. If I could drop dead right now, I'd be the happiest man alive. I never put on a pair of shoes until I've worn them at least five years. Let's bring it up to date with some snappy nineteenth century dialogue. Goldwyn: What kind of dancing does Martha Graham do? Associate: Modern dancing. Goldwyn: I don't want her then, modern dancing is so old fashioned. I don't think anyone should write their autobiography until after they're dead. Bookkeeper: Mr. Goldwyn, our files are bulging with paperwork we no longer need. May I have your permission to destroy all records before 1945? Goldwyn: Certainly. Just be sure to keep a copy of everything. Anyone who goes to a psychiatrist ought to have his head examined. (on a film set of a tenement) Goldwyn : Why is everything so dirty here? Director : Because it's supposed to be a slum area. Goldwyn : Well, this slum cost a lot of money. It should look better than an ordinary slum. Gentlemen, listen to me slowly. That's the trouble with directors - always biting the hand that lays the golden egg. Keep a stiff upper chin. We have all passed a lot of water since then. .... we have that Indian scene. We can get the Indians from the resevoir. (in discussing Lillian Helman's play, "The Children's Hour") Goldwyn : Maybe we ought to buy it? Associate : Forget it, Mr. Goldwyn, its about Lesbians. Goldwyn : That's okay, we'll make them Americans. Don't worry about the war. It's all over but the shooting. Associate : Its too caustic for film. Goldwyn : To hell with the cost, if it's a good story, I'll make it. From mcafee Fri Feb 24 08:38:20 1995 From: R Preston McAfee Subject: Classified ads These are classified ads from the NY Times, reprinted in an article by Garry Trudeau, 10/13/93. They were culled from those tiny classified ads you see on page 1. ATTRACTIVE, ECONOMICALLY VIABLE Ethnic region seeks backers for full autonomy. Have access to seaport, intact colonial school system. Fro prospectus, contact: Deaver Associates, Washington, D.C. 20037. -ADVT ----------------------------------------------- HAVE YOU EXPERIENCED A CRIME, FIRE OR medical emergency with the last hour or so? Call 911. -ADVT ------------------------------------------------ GIRLS! BOYS! MAKE BIG BUCKS IN YOUR spare time. Apply NW corner of Amster. and 91st. Ask for Horse or Lucca. -ADVT ------------------------------------------------ FORE SAIL: SLIGHT LEE USED NEWTON Personal Digit Tall Assist Pants. Call 212 78j}###8? --ADVT ----------------------------------------------- INVESTMENT GRADE PEZ DISPENSERS. Future superstars of the collectors market, destined to fetch prices far in excess of what conscience permits us to charge you. Our highly trained operator is standing by at (800) 787-8999 -ADVT ----------------------------------------------- IF YOU HAVE FEELINGS OF LOW SELF-Esteem, worthlessness, call The Diva Institute at 970-1202. Qualified individuals only, please. -ADVT ----------------------------------------------- WILL TRADE PORK BELLIES FOR HAMPTONS time share. Call beeper number (914) 777- 1588 -ADVT ----------------------------------------------- NAFTA ENTHUSIAST SEEKS SAME to discuss implementation protocols. Photo a must. Write Box 4467, Washington, D.C. 24453. -ADVT ----------------------------------------------- IF YOU ARE UNUSUALLY PARANOID, IT MAY be not without reason. To find out if you are on our list, send $10 to Box 3458, Brooklyn, NY 11234 -ADVT ------------------------------------------------------------------\ From mcafee Fri Feb 24 08:38:20 1995 From: R Preston McAfee Subject: Applying to College I received this from Jon Skinner at UVA, by way of Janet Currie. Where he got it, I don't know. This is an actual essay that a guy used to get himself accepted at NYU 2 or 3 years ago. ---------------- The author of this essay, Hugh Gallagher, now attends NYU 3A. ESSAY IN ORDER FOR THE ADMISSIONS STAFF OF OUR COLLEGE TO GET TO KNOW YOU, THE APPLICANT, BETTER, WE ASK THAT YOU ANSWER THE FOLLOWING QUESTION: ARE THERE ANY SIGNIFICANT EXPERIENCES YOU HAVE HAD, OR ACCOMPLISHMENTS YOU HAVE REALIZED, THAT HAVE HELPED TO DEFINE YOU AS A PERSON? I am a dynamic figure, often seen scaling walls and crushing ice. I have been known to remodel train stations on my lunch breaks, making them more efficient in the area of heat retention. I translate ethnic slurs for Cuban refugees, I write award-winning operas, I manage time efficiently. Occasionally, I tread water for three days in a row. I woo women with my sensuous and godlike trombone playing, I can pilot bicycles up severe inclines with unflagging speed, and I cook Thirty-Minute Brownies in twenty minutes. I am an expert in stucco, a veteran in love, and an outlaw in Peru. Using only a hoe and a large glass of water, I once single-handedly defended a small village in the Amazon Basin from a horde of ferocious army ants. I play bluegrass cello, I was scouted by the Mets, I am the subject of numerous documentaries. When I'm bored, I build large suspension bridges in my yard. I enjoy urban hang gliding. On Wednesdays, after school, I repair electrical appliances free of charge. I am an abstract artist, a concrete analyst, and a ruthless bookie. Critics worldwide swoon over my original line of corduroy evening wear. I don't perspire. I am a private citizen, yet I receive fan mail. I have been caller number nine and have won the weekend passes. Last summer I toured New Jersey with a traveling centrifugal-force demonstration. I bat .400. My deft floral arrangements have earned me fame in international botany circles. Children trust me. I can hurl tennis rackets at small moving objects with deadly accuracy. I once read Paradise Lost, Moby Dick, and David Copperfield in one day and still had time to refurbish an entire dining room that evening. I know the exact location of every food item in the supermarket. I have performed several covert operations for the CIA. I sleep once a week; when I do sleep, I sleep in a chair. While on vacation in Canada, I successfully negotiated with a group of terrorists who had seized a small bakery. The laws of physics do not apply to me. I balance, I weave, I dodge, I frolic, and my bills are all paid. On weekends, to let off steam, I participate in full-contact origami. Years ago I discovered the meaning of life but forgot to write it down. I have made extraordinary four course meals using only a mouli and a toaster oven. I breed prizewinning clams. I have won bullfights in San Juan, cliff-diving competitions in Sri Lanka, and spelling bees at the Kremlin. I have played Hamlet, I have performed open-heart surgery, and I have spoken with Elvis. But I have not yet gone to college. From mcafee Fri Feb 24 08:38:20 1995 From: R Preston McAfee Subject: Feuds Two neighboring farmers are feuding. They hate each other, really. We'll call one Hatfield and the other McCoy. Neither is terribly bright. One day, McCoy's duck flies over Hatfields farm. Hatfield shoots the duck and plans to eat it. McCoy saw the killing of his duck and rushes to claim the body. "Hatfield, you fool, you shot my duck! Give me my duck!" "No, its my duck now." After several minutes of argument, McCoy has an idea. "Let's settle this like men. We'll see who's the toughest. The toughest one gets the duck. "We'll take turns kicking each other in the balls until one of us gives up. When you give up, you lose the duck." Hatfield says, "OK, fair enough" "I'll go first", says McCoy, backing up about fifteen feet. Then with running start, he kicks Hatfield in the groin. A tremendous kick, it knocks Hatfield to the ground, where he lies groaning for some time. Finally, Hatfield very slowly gets up, obviously still in some pain. "My turn now", he says with a cruel snort. "Keep the duck!", says McCoy, walking away. From mcafee Fri Feb 24 08:38:20 1995 From: R Preston McAfee Subject: Guide dogs from hell > > "We will not have him put down. Lucky is basically a damn good guide > dog," Ernst Gerber, a dog trainer from Wuppertal told reporters. "He > just needs a little brush-up on some elementary skills, that's all." > > Gerber admitted to the press conference that Lucky, a German shepherd > guide-dog for the blind, had so far been responsible for the deaths of > all four of his previous owners. "I admit it's not an impressive record > on paper. He led his first owner in front of a bus, and the second off > the end of a pier. He actually pushed his third owner off a railway > platform just as the Cologne to Frankfurt express was approaching and > he walked his fourth owner into heavy traffic, before abandoning him > and running away to safety. But, apart from epileptic fits, he has a > lovely temperament. And guide dogs are difficult to train these days." > > Asked if Lucky's fifth owner would be told about his previous record, > Gerber replied: "No. It would make them nervous, and would make Lucky > nervous. And when Lucky gets nervous he's liable to do something silly." > > Europa Times. October 1993. Reprinted in Private Eye. From mcafee Fri Feb 24 08:38:20 1995 From: R Preston McAfee Subject: Your tax dollars at work This a Bob Greene column, Dec 22, 1993, Austin American Statesman. Greetings. That is the word at the center of the controversy: "Greetings." A telephone opterator at the Sheraton Chicago Hotel and Towers refused to use that word. She went to the Equal Employment Opportunity Commission, an agency of the federal government, and said that the hotel was violating her rights by insisting that she say "Greetings." The EEOC decided to sue the hotel on behalf of the woman. And the EEOC won the suit. Oh, it's not being described as a victory - both sides are calling it a settlement. But the hotel has just agreed to pay money to the woman to make up for its terrible mistake - to make up for having the nerve to ask a telephone operator to say "Greetings." The operator is named Ninette Smith. Last winter, the hotel asked all its operators to answer the phones by saying: "Happy holidays, Sheraton Chicago Hotel and Towers." Smith said that saying "Happy holidays" violated her religious beliefs. The hotel was a little puzzled by this; no specific holiday was being singled out, afterall. "'Happy holidays' is a standard greeting not only in the hotel business, but in the retail business," a Sheraton spokeswoman said. But the hotel agreed not to require Smith to say those words. Instead, she was asked to say: "Greetings, Sheraton Chicago Hotel and Towers." Smith contended this, too, was a violation of her rights. She said her religion did not recognize the validity of any holidays. But - you may be thinking - the word "holdiays" was no longer being mentioned. So why was she upset? According to EEOC regional attorney John Hendrickson, the hotel made its mistake by asking Smith to say "Greetings" only during the December holiday season. If Smith had been asked to say "Greetings" all year round, the hotel would be within its rights, he said. But by asking her to say "Greetings" only in December, the hotel was implicitly acknowledging the existence of holidays. So the EEOC, with its taxpayer-funded attorneys, sued the Sheraton, asking for back pay and money damages for Smith (She alleged that the hotel laid her off for five weeks; the hotel said that Smith asked to take the time off.) Last week, U.S. District Judge James Holderman approved a consent decree resolving the lawsuit. The hotel promised that it would never again ask Smith to answer the telephone by saying "Greetings." It also promised to pay her $1,250 in back salary, and $2,500 in compensatory damages - as a way of expressing how sorry the hotel was for what it had done. "The cost of the litigation was going to be too much for us," said Sheraton spokewoman Ellen Butler. She said the government had indicated it would use its full resources to pursue the case in court. Smith - who continues to work at the Sheraton - told us: "I feel justice was served. If someone says someone violated their conscience or their religious beliefs, then the employer should respect that." Which, for an employer, could be extended to mean...what? That, perhaps, a person could take a job as a waiter, then go to the EEOC claiming to be a vegetarian, and have the government sue the restaurant for forcing him to serve meat to customers against his will? At the EEOC, attorney Hendrickson is not at all amused by the criticism of his agency. "Saying 'Greetings' did offend her beliefs," he said. He said the Sheraton should learn a lesson from this: "They need to be sensitive to the rights of their employees." Smith, who does not believe in holidays, gets the punitive damages from the Sheraton. The case is over. But hotel spokeswoman Butler does point an interesting sidelight. All Sheraton employees receive paid holidays - Christmas, Thanksgiving, etc. And Smith, who is so opposed to the concept of holidays? "Yes, she received holiday pay last year," Butler said. "And, yes, she accepted it." From mcafee Fri Feb 24 08:38:20 1995 From: R Preston McAfee Subject: Make-Up Exams This is from Hal Varian. Introductory Chemistry at Duke University has been taught for about a zillion years by Professor Bonk (really), and his course is semi-affectionately known as "Bonkistry." He has been around forever, so I wouldn't put it past him to come up with something like this. Anyway, one year there were these two guys who were taking Chemistry and who did pretty well on all of the quizzes and the midterms and labs, etc., such that going into the final they had a solid A. These two friends were so confident going into the final that the weekend before finals week (even though the Chem final was on Monday), they decided to go up to UVirginia and party with some friends up there. So they did this and had a great time. However, with their hangovers and everything, they overslept all day Sunday and didn't make it back to Duke until early monday morning. Rather than taking the final then, what they did was to find Professor Bonk after the final and explain to him why they missed the final. They told him that they went up to UVa for the weekend, and had planned to come back in time to study, but that they had a flat tire on the way back and didn't have a spare and couldn't get help for a long time and so were late getting back to campus. Bonk thought this over and then agreed that they could make up the final on the following day. The two guys were elated and relieved. So, they studied that night and went in the next day at the time that Bonk had told them. He placed them in separate rooms and handed each of them a test booklet and told them to begin. They looked at the first problem, which was something simple about molarity and solutions and was worth 5 points. "Cool" they thought, "this is going to be easy." They did that problem and then turned the page. They were unprepared, however, for what they saw on the next page. It said: (95 points) Which tire? From mcafee Fri Feb 24 08:38:20 1995 From: R Preston McAfee Subject: Computations This, I understand, is New Keynesian theory. (multiple forwards deleted) (Some of you may not know that "10-250" is one of MIT's main lecture halls. And "2.40" is MIT's introductory thermodynamics course.) ------- Begin Forwarded Message ------- From: Baron Karl Subject: The CP/Donut Heat Engine Feel free to forward this to any 2.40 types you feel might be interested. I'm such a nerd and love it so.... Thursday, there was some conference for campus police officers in 10-250. I made the mistake of walking by this ill-fated room and discovered (quite to my surprise, of course) the largest array of donuts I have ever seen in my life. They had six full-sized folding tables absolutely FILLED with donuts. If we consider 3m^2 of space per table and six tables, that's 18m^2 of space for donuts. A donut on its side is approximately 3cm x 15cm or .0045m^2. This makes 4000 donuts! 10-250 seats a maximum of 300 people, which gives us an incredible 13.3 cream-filled chocolate-glazed confectionaries per police officer! At a conservative 350 calories/donut, that means that each CP consumed 4600 calories at the conference yesterday, which happens to be just about double the entire reccomended caloric intake of a sedentary middle-aged male. Let's model 10-250 as a closed system. Consider it a triangular prism formed by cutting a 5m X 30m x 35m rectangular solid across its diagonal, resulting in an enclosed volume of 2625m^2. Through PV=mRT we find that the mass of air enclosed in this room is m=PV/RT (Rair=287, T=300K, P=10e5 Pa), or 305 kg of air. If 25% of the donuts' energy is converted to heat by the body (the remainder going to the production of fat and the recombination of chemical bonds after digestion), we see that (.25 x 4000 donuts x 350 kcal/donut x 4.16 kJ/kcal) 364000 kJ of energy is released into the room. Now, if we use U=mc(T2-T1), we can find the final temperature of the room. U=364,000 kJ, m= 305 kJ, T1 = 300 K, c(air)= .716 kJ/kg-K The final temperature in the room would end up being 1395 K or 1122 degrees C. This is just about the melting point of copper.... This suggests that 10-250 is NOT a closed system or that less than 25% of the donuts' energy actually gets converted to heat. Now, what exactly is the implication of 364 MJ? It may seem like a lot of energy (and it is) but what exactly is it in terms of power? As the egalitarian's credo tells us, power is more important than work, and the demands of this problem also state that instantaneous output is more important than the integrated function. I think the conference was eight hours long. Instantaneous power outuput is measured in Kilowatts, which is a J/sec. Eight hours is (8 hours x 60 min/hr x 60 sec/min) 28800 sec, giving us a power output of 12.64 kW total. We previously assumed 300 people in the room, or 42 Watts/cop. Thus, each cop is putting out about 2/3 as much heat as a standard incandescent light bulb. This is completely reasonable. I feel as if I have just hit upon some great truth of humanity here, but I'm not sure what it is. In Nerd Hell Karl ------------- ____ This message is not meant as a reflection upon my race, gender, \ _/__ socio-economic background, sexual orientation, nerd status, \X / left-handedness, school attended, or eye color. \/ From mcafee Fri Feb 24 08:38:20 1995 From: R Preston McAfee Subject: a collection of math jokes for your files I've edited this somewhat, although as it is easier to leave them in than to take them out, and I'm not always the best predictor of what people will find funny, and the thought police don't defend mathematicians, there are still going to be some losers left. I deleted *most* of the "reduced it to a previously solved problem" jokes. I hadn't known there were so many complex variables jokes. "A mathematician is a device for turning coffee into theorems" -- P. Erdos ------------------------------------------------------------------------- 1. What's the contour integral around Western Europe? Answer: Zero, because all the Poles are in Eastern Europe! Addendum: Actually, there ARE some Poles in Western Europe, but they are removable! ------------------------------------------------------------------------- Q: What's purple and commutes? A: An abelian grape. Q: What's yellow, and equivalent to the Axiom of Choice? A: Zorn's Lemon. James Currie [yuch! -ed] ------------------------------------------------------------------------- Q: Why did the mathematician name his dog "Cauchy"? A: Because he left a residue at every pole. Q: Why is it that the more accuracy you demand from an interpolation function, the more expensive it becomes to compute? A: That's the Law of Spline Demand. ------------------------------------------------------------------------- Moebius always does it on the same side. Heisenberg might have slept here. ------------------------------------------------------------------------- There was a mad scientist ( a mad ...social... scientist ) who kidnapped three colleagues, an engineer, a physicist, and a mathematician, and locked each of them in seperate cells with plenty of canned food and water but no can opener. A month later, returning, the mad scientist went to the engineer's cell and found it long empty. The engineer had constructed a can opener from pocket trash, used aluminum shavings and dried sugar to make an explosive, and escaped. The physicist had worked out the angle necessary to knock the lids off the tin cans by throwing them against the wall. She was developing a good pitching arm and a new quantum theory. The mathematician had stacked the unopened cans into a surprising solution to the kissing problem; his dessicated corpse was propped calmly against a wall, and this was inscribed on the floor in blood: Theorem: If I can't open these cans, I'll die. Proof: assume the opposite... ---------------------------------------------------------------------------- Here's a limerick I picked up off the net a few years back - looks better on paper. _ \/3 / __ | 2 || 3_ | z dz x cos( -------) = ln (\/e ) | 9 / 1 Which, of course, translates to: Integral z-squared dz from 1 to the square root of 3 times the cosine of three pi over 9 equals log of the cube root of 'e'. And it's correct, too. -------------------------------------------------------------------------- Three men are in a hot-air balloon. Soon, they find themselves lost in a canyon somewhere. One of the three men says, "I've got an idea. We can call for help in this canyon and the echo will carry our voices far." So he leans over the basket and yells out, "Helllloooooo! Where are we?" (They hear the echo several times). 15 minutes later, they hear this echoing voice: "Helllloooooo! You're lost!!" One of the men says, "That must have been a mathematician." Puzzled, one of the other men asks, "Why do you say that?" The reply: "For three reasons. (1) he took a long time to answer, (2) he was absolutely correct, and (3) his answer was absolutely useless." [This is normally told about economists. Indeed, when the Canadian finance minister Michael Wilson told this joke to a group of economists, they laughed. The Globe and Mail ran a story about it, under the headline "Economists laugh at Wilson."] (I'm not sure if the following one is a true story or not) The great logician Betrand Russell (or was it A.N. Whitehead?) once claimed that he could prove anything if given that 1+1=1. So one day, some smarty-pants asked him, "Ok. Prove that you're the Pope." He thought for a while and proclaimed, "I am one. The Pope is one. Therefore, the Pope and I are one." ----------------------------------------------------------------------------- The ark lands after The Flood. Noah lets all the animals out. Says, "Go and multiply." Several months pass. Noah decides to check up on the animals. All are doing fine except a pair of snakes. "What's the problem?" says Noah. "Cut down some trees and let us live there", say the snakes. Noah follows their advice. Several more weeks pass. Noah checks on the snakes again. Lots of little snakes, everybody is happy. Noah asks, "Want to tell me how the trees helped?" "Certainly", say the snakes. "We're adders, and we need logs to multiply." ------------------------------------------------------------------------------ [Ed note: This comes, roughly, from "On the Nature of Mathematical Proof," a spoof reprinted in "A Stress Analysis of the Strapless Evening Gown" and much funnier than the title article. The bit below doesn't do justice to the original, which was hilarious and proved theorems about Alexander the Great, as well as horses]. Lemma: All horses are the same color. Proof (by induction): Case n=1: In a set with only one horse, it is obvious that all horses in that set are the same color. Case n=k: Suppose you have a set of k+1 horses. Pull one of these horses out of the set, so that you have k horses. Suppose that all of these horses are the same color. Now put back the horse that you took out, and pull out a different one. Suppose that all of the k horses now in the set are the same color. Then the set of k+1 horses are all the same color. We have k true => k+1 true; therefore all horses are the same color. Theorem: All horses have an infinite number of legs. Proof (by intimidation): Everyone would agree that all horses have an even number of legs. It is also well-known that horses have forelegs in front and two legs in back. 4 + 2 = 6 legs, which is certainly an odd number of legs for a horse to have! Now the only number that is both even and odd is infinity; therefore all horses have an infinite number of legs. However, suppose that there is a horse somewhere that does not have an infinite number of legs. Well, that would be a horse of a different color; and by the Lemma, it doesn't exist. QED ------------------------------------------------------------------------------ Several students were asked the following problem: Prove that all odd integers are prime. Well, the first student to try to do this was a math student. Hey says "hmmm... Well, 1 is prime, 3 is prime, 5 is prime, and by induction, we have that all the odd integers are prime." Of course, there are some jeers from some of his friends. The physics student then said, "I'm not sure of the validity of your proof, but I think I'll try to prove it by experiment." He continues, "Well, 1 is prime, 3 is prime, 5 is prime, 7 is prime, 9 is ... uh, 9 is an experimental error, 11 is prime, 13 is prime... Well, it seems that you're right." The third student to try it was the engineering student, who responded, "Well, actually, I'm not sure of your answer either. Let's see... 1 is prime, 3 is prime, 5 is prime, 7 is prime, 9 is ..., 9 is ..., well if you approximate, 9 is prime, 11 is prime, 13 is prime... Well, it does seem right." Not to be outdone, the computer science student comes along and says "Well, you two sort've got the right idea, but you'd end up taking too long doing it. I've just whipped up a program to REALLY go and prove it..." He goes over to his terminal and runs his program. Reading the output on the screen he says, "1 is prime, 1 is prime, 1 is prime, 1 is prime...." ------------ Ya' hear about the geometer who went to the beach to catch the rays and became a tangent ? ------------ My geometry teacher was sometimes acute, and sometimes obtuse, but always, he was right. ------------ Q: What quantity is represented by this ? /\ /\ /\ / \ / \ / \ / \ / \ / \ / \ / \ / \ / \ / \ / \ /______\ /______\ /______\ || || || || || || A: 9, tree + tree + tree Q: A dust storm blows through, now how much do you have ? A: 99, dirty tree + dirty tree + dirty tree Q: Some birds go flying by and leave their droppings, one per tree, how many is that ? A: 100, dirty tree and a turd + dirty tree and a turd + dirty tree and a turd ------------------------------------------------------------------------------ A biologist, a statistician, a mathematician and a computer scientist are on a photo-safari in africa. They drive out on the savannah in their jeep, stop and scout the horizon with their binoculars. The biologist : "Look! There's a herd of zebras! And there, in the middle : A white zebra! It's fantastic ! There are white zebra's ! We'll be famous !" The statistician : "It's not significant. We only know there's one white zebra." The mathematician : "Actually, we only know there exists a zebra, which is white on one side." The computer scientist : "Oh, no! A special case!" --------------------------------------------------------------------------- lim 3 = 8 w->oo (It is more obvious when handwritten...) ------------------------------------------------------------------------------ Asked how his pet parrot died, the mathmatican answered "Polynomial. polygon." ------------------------------------------------------------------------------ Von Neumann and Nobert Weiner were both the subject of many dotty professor stories. Von Neumann supposedly had the habit of simply writing answers to homework assignments on the board (the method of solution being, of course, obvious) when he was asked how to solve problems. One time one of his students tried to get more helpful information by asking if there was another way to solve the problem. Von Neumann looked blank for a moment, thought, and then answered, "Yes.". Weiner was in fact very absent minded. The following story is told about him: When they moved from Cambridge to Newton his wife, knowing that he would be absolutely useless on the move, packed him off to MIT while she directed the move. Since she was certain that he would forget that they had moved and where they had moved to, she wrote down the new address on a piece of paper, and gave it to him. Naturally, in the course of the day, an insight occurred to him. He reached in his pocket, found a piece of paper on which he furiously scribbled some notes, thought it over, decided there was a fallacy in his idea, and threw the piece of paper away. At the end of the day he went home (to the old address in Cambridge, of course). When he got there he realized that they had moved, that he had no idea where they had moved to, and that the piece of paper with the address was long gone. Fortunately inspiration struck. There was a young girl on the street and he conceived the idea of asking her where he had moved to, saying, "Excuse me, perhaps you know me. I'm Norbert Weiner and we've just moved. Would you know where we've moved to?" To which the young girl replied, "Yes daddy, mommy thought you would forget." The capper to the story is that I asked his daughter (the girl in the story) about the truth of the story, many years later. She said that it wasn't quite true -- that he never forgot who his children were! The rest of it, however, was pretty close to what actually happened... Richard Harter, Computer Corp. of America, Cambridge, MA ----------------------------------------------------------------------------- Theorem: a cat has nine tails. Proof: No cat has eight tails. A cat has one tail more than no cat. Therefore, a cat has nine tails. ----------------------------------------------------------------------------- The USDA once wanted to make cows produce milk faster, to improve the dairy industry. So, they decided to consult the foremost biologists and recombinant DNA technicians to build them a better cow. They assembled this team of great scientists, and gave them unlimited funding. They requested rare chemicals, weird bacteria, tons of quarantine equipment, there was a God-awful typhus epidemic they started by accident, and, 2 years later, they came back with the "new, improved cow." It had a milk production improvement of 2% over the original. They then tried with the greatest Nobel Prize winning chemists around. They worked for six months, and, after requisitioning tons of chemical equipment, and poisoning half the small town in Colorado where they were working with a toxic cloud from one of their experiments, they got a 5% improvement in milk output. The physicists tried for a year, and, after ten thousand cows were subjected to radiation therapy, they got a 1% improvement in output. Finally, in desperation, they turned to the mathematicians. The foremost mathematician of his time offered to help them with the problem. Upon hearing the problem, he told the delegation that they could come back in the morning and he would have solved the problem. In the morning, they came back, and he handed them a piece of paper with the computations for the new, 300% improved milk cow. The plans began: "A Proof of the Attainability of Increased Milk Output from Bovines: Consider a spherical cow......" -------------------------------------------------------------------------- Theorem : All positive integers are equal. Proof : Sufficient to show that for any two positive integers, A and B, A = B. Further, it is sufficient to show that for all N > 0, if A and B (positive integers) satisfy (MAX(A, B) = N) then A = B. Proceed by induction. If N = 1, then A and B, being positive integers, must both be 1. So A = B. Assume that the theorem is true for some value k. Take A and B with MAX(A, B) = k+1. Then MAX((A-1), (B-1)) = k. And hence (A-1) = (B-1). Consequently, A = B. -------------------------------------------------------------------------- During a class of calculus my lecturer suddenly checked himself and stared intently at the table in front of him for a while. Then he looked up at us and explained that he thought he had brought six piles of papers with him, but "no matter how he counted" there was only five on the table. Then he became silent for a while again and then told the following story: "When I was young in Poland I met the great mathematician Waclaw Sierpinski. He was old already then and rather absent-minded. Once he had to move to a new place for some reason. His wife wife didn't trust him very much, so when they stood down on the street with all their things, she said: - Now, you stand here and watch our ten trunks, while I go and get a taxi. She left and left him there, eyes somewhat glazed and humming absently. Some minutes later she returned, presumably having called for a taxi. Says Mr Sierpinski (possibly with a glint in his eye): - I thought you said there were ten trunks, but I've only counted to nine. - No, they're TEN! - No, count them: 0, 1, 2, ..." -------------------------------------------------------------------------- The limit as n goes to infinity of sin(x)/n is 6. Proof: cancel the n in the numerator and denominator. --------------------------------------------------------------------------- Two male mathematiciens are in a bar. The first one says to the second that the average person knows very little about basic mathematics. The second one disagrees, and claims that most people can cope with a reasonable amount of math. The first mathematicien goes off to the washroom, and in his absence the second calls over the waitress. He tells her that in a few minutes, after his friend has returned, he will call her over and ask her a question. All she has to do is answer one third x cubed. She repeats `one thir -- dex cue'? He repeats `one third x cubed'. Her: `one thir dex cuebd'? Yes, that's right, he says. So she agrees, and goes off mumbling to herself, `one thir dex cuebd...'. The first guy returns and the second proposes a bet to prove his point, that most people do know something about basic math. He says he will ask the blonde waitress an integral, and the first laughingly agrees. The second man calls over the waitress and asks `what is the integral of x squared?'. The waitress says `one third x cubed' and while walking away, turns back and says over her shoulder `plus a constant'! From mcafee Fri Feb 24 08:38:20 1995 From: R Preston McAfee Subject: rejection letters >From a Chinese language economics journal "We have read your manuscript with boundless delight. If we were to publish your paper, it would be impossible for us to publish any work of lower standard. And as it is unthinkable that in the next thousand years we shall see its equal, we are, to our regret, compelled to return your divine composition and to beg you a thousand times to overlook our short sight and timidity." from Chance, vol.6, no. 4, 1993, p. 8 From mcafee Fri Feb 24 08:38:20 1995 From: R Preston McAfee Subject: CREATE YOUR OWN SHAKESPEAREAN INSULTS by Jerry Maguire, who teaches English at Center Grove High School in Greenwood, Indiana. Combine one word from each of the three columns below, preface with "Thou" and thus shalt thou have the perfect insult. Let thyself go--mix and match to find a barb worthy of the Bard! Column 1 Column 2 Column 3 artless base-court apple-john bawdy bat-fowling baggage beslubbering beef-witted barnacle bootless beetle-headed bladder churlish boil-brained boar-pig cockered clapper-clawed bugbear clouted clay-brained bum-bailey craven common-kissing canker-blossom currish crook-pated clack-dish dankish dismal-dreaming clotpole dissembling dizzy-eyed coxcomb droning doghearted codpiece errant dread-bolted death-token fawning earth-vexing dewberry fobbing elf-skinned flap-dragon froward fat-kidneyed flax-wench frothy fen-sucked flirt-gill gleeking flap-mouthed foot-licker goatish fly-bitten fustilarian gorbellied folly-fallen giglet impertinent fool-born gudgeon infectious full-gorged haggard jarring guts-griping harpy loggerheaded half-faced hedge-pig lumpish hasty-witted horn-beast mammering hedge-born hugger-mugger mangled hell-hated jolthead mewling idle-headed lewdster paunchy ill-breeding lout pribbling ill-nurtured maggot-pie puking knotty-pated malt-worm puny milk-livered mammet quailing motley-minded measle rank onion-eyed minnow reeky plume-plucked miscreant roguish pottle-deep moldwarp ruttish pox-marked mumble-news saucy reeling-ripe nut-hook spleeny rough-hewn pigeon-egg spongy rude-growing pignut surly rump-fed puttock tottering shard-borne pumpion unmuzzled sheep-biting ratsbane vain spur-galled scut venomed swag-bellied skainsmate villainous tardy-gaited strumpet warped tickle-brained varlot wayward toad-spotted vassal weedy unchin-snouted whey-face yeasty weather-bitten wagtail ------------------------------------------------------------------- From mcafee Fri Feb 24 08:38:20 1995 From: R Preston McAfee Subject: Stupid Comments I know most of you see messages from me and react with fear and loathing. Well, the news is bad: someone gave me a copy of "The 776 stupidest things ever said." Here is the first installment. Things are more like they are now than they have ever been. -Gerald Ford This is an excerpt from the Lancashire Social Services Department, explaining why Harry and Esther Hough were not qualified to adopt a child: It would seem from the interviews and reports that both of you have had few, if any, negative experiences when you were children yourselves, and also seem to enjoy a marital experience where rows and arguments have no place. Under the circumstances, adopted children would not have sufficient exposure to negative experiences. The letter goes on to say that the couple "exuded excessive harmony." Bruce Sutter has been around for a while and he's pretty old. He's thirty-five years old. That will give some idea how old he is. -Ron Fairly, S.F. Giants broadcaster Wherever I have gone in this country, I have found Americans. -Alf Landon Where fraternities are not allowed, communism flourishes. -Barry Goldwater In every country the Communists have taken over, the first thing they do is outlaw cockfighting. -John Monks, Oklahoma state representative That lowdown scoundrel deserves to be kicked to death by a jackass, and I'm just the one to do it. -an unidentified Texas congressional candidate, quoted by Mass state senator John Parker Your medical insurance is cancelled beginning 9/24/84 because of your death. -letter from the Iowa Dept. of Human Services This is a great day for France. -Richard Nixon, while attending Charles de Gaulle's funeral [not so clear that was stupid, exactly] This is the worst disaster in California since I was elected. -CA governor Pat Brown, discussing a flood. Now, like, I'm President. It would be pretty hard for some drug guy to come into the white house and start offering it up, you know? I bet if they did, I hope I would say, "Hey, get lost. We don't want any of that." -President George Bush, talking to a group of students. There may be a recession in stock prices, but not anything in the nature of a crash. -Irving Fisher, six weeks before the 1929 crash. Stock prices have reached what looks like a permanently high plateau. -Irving Fisher, nine days before the crash. If English was good enough for Jesus Christ, it's good enough for me. -an unidentified US congressman The similarities between me and my father are different. -Dale Berra [yes, Yogi's son] The new Irish flag would be Orange and Green, and would in the future be known as the Irish tricolor. -Smith O'Brien (Irish revolutionary) The Baltimore Colts are a bright young team. It seems as if they have their future ahead of them. -Curt Gowdy If we maintain our faith in God, our love of freedom, and superior global air power, I think we can look to the future with confidence. -General Curtis LeMay The town of Albany contains 500 dwelling houses and 2400 inhabitants, all standing with their gable ends to the street -Morse's Geography (the premier geography text in the US during the last century) Light pranks add zest to your services, but don't pull the customer's ears. -Japanese Tourist Industry Board's Rules for Hotel Chambermaids, 1936 You are invited to take advantage of the chambermaid. -from a guest directory at a Japanese hotel, 1991 No unmet needs exist and ... current unmet needs that are being met will continue to be met. -Transportation Commission on Unmet Needs, Mariposa CA Tenses, Gender, and Number: For the purpose of the rules and regulations contained in this chapter, the present tense includes the past and future tenses, and the future, the present; the masculine gender includes the feminine, and the feminine, the masculine, and the singular includes the plural, and the plural, the singular. -revised 1973 state code, Department of Consumer Affairs, CA Warning: never use while sleeping -warning with a hairdryer, cited by US News & World Report This is an exchange between Dan Rostenkowski and William Dickinson in the house of representatives: R: Title IX of the recorded bill is now title X. D: So there is no title IX. There is a title X and we have reopened title VIII, if I am correct. R: A new title IX was inserted by amendment, so there is now a title IX and a title X. D: There is a title VIII, there is a title IX, there is a title X, is that correct? R: Title X is the last title in the bill. D: So an amendment to either title VIII or title IX or title X would be in order at this time? R: Not title IX. Just title VIII and title X are open to amendment. D: Well, I had an amendment that I would like to offer. I thought it was to title IX if there is a title IX. R: If the gentleman's amendment was drafted to title IX, it will be in order to title X. D: Mr. Chairman, I have an amendment at the desk which I would like to offer to title VIII. -reported in the Washington Monthly, 1982. You hear about constitutional rights, free speech, and the free press. Every time I hear these words, I say to myself "That man is a communist." You never hear a real American talk like that. -Jersey City Mayor Frank Hague, 1938 India is the finest climate under the sun; but a lot of young fellows come out here, they drink and they eat, and they drink and they die: and then they write home to their parents a pack of lies, and say it's the climate that killed them. -Sir Colin Campbell, British War Department If a person is innocent of a crime, then he is not a suspect. -Edwin Meese to the American Bar Association The President is aware of what is going on. That's not to say there is something going on. -Ron Ziegler, press secretary to Nixon If Lincoln were alive today, he'd roll over in his grave. -Gerald Ford Smoking kills. If you're killed, you've lost a very important part of your life. -Brooke Shields I love California. I grew up in Phoenix. -Dan Qualye enough for now. From mcafee Fri Feb 24 08:38:20 1995 From: R Preston McAfee Subject: People with time on their hands If you haven't seen this, it's worth reading. I can't attest to its veracity, but it's invariably alleged to be accurate. > Attached is some correspondence which actually occurred between a > London hotel's staff and one of its guests. The London hotel > involved submitted this to the Sunday Times. No name was mentioned. > ------------------------------------------------------------------------ > > Dear Maid, > Please do not leave any more of those little bars of soap in my > bathroom since I have brought my own bath-sized Dial. Please remove > the six unopened little bars from the shelf under the medicine chest > and another three in the shower soap dish. They are in my way. > Thank you, > S. Berman > > - - > ------------------------------------------------------------------------ > > Dear Room 635, > I am not your regular maid. She will be back tomorrow, Thursday, > from her day off. I took the 3 hotel soaps out of the shower > soap dish as you requested. The 6 bars on your shelf I took out > of your way and put on top of your Kleenex dispenser in case you > should change your mind. This leaves only the 3 bars I left > today which my instructions from the management is to leave 3 > soaps daily. I hope this is satisfactory. Kathy, Relief Maid > > - - > ------------------------------------------------------------------------ > > Dear Maid -- I hope you are my regular maid. > Apparently Kathy did not tell you about my note to her concerning the > little bars of soap. When I got back to my room this evening I found > you had added 3 little Camays to the shelf under my medicine cabinet. > I am going to be here in the hotel for two weeks and have brought my > own bath-size Dial so I won't need those 6 little Camays which are on > the shelf. They are in my way when shaving, brushing teeth, etc. > Please remove them. > S. Berman > > - - > ------------------------------------------------------------------------ > > Dear Mr. Berman, > My day off was last Wed. so the relief maid left 3 hotel soaps > which we are instructed by the management. I took the 6 soaps > which were in your way on the shelf and put them in the soap dish > where your Dial was. I put the Dial in the medicine cabinet for > your convenience. I didn't remove the 3 complimentary soaps > which are always placed inside the medicine cabinet for all new > check-ins and which you did not object to when you checked in > last Monday. Please let me know if I can of further assistance. > Your regular maid, Dotty > > - - > ------------------------------------------------------------------------ > > Dear Mr. Berman, > The assistant manager, Mr. Kensedder, informed me this A.M. that you > called him last evening and said you were unhappy with your maid > service. I have assigned a new girl to your room. I hope you will > accept my apologies for any past inconvenience. If you have any > future complaints please contact me so I can give it my personal > attention. Call extension 1108 between 8AM and 5PM. Thank you. > Elaine Carmen > Housekeeper > > - - > ------------------------------------------------------------------------ > > Dear Miss Carmen, > It is impossible to contact you by phone since I leave the hotel for > business at 745 AM and don't get back before 530 or 6PM. That's the > reason I called Mr. Kensedder last night. You were already off duty. > I only asked Mr. Kensedder if he could do anything about those little > bars of soap. The new maid you assigned me must have thought I was a > new check-in today, since she left another 3 bars of hotel soap in my > medicine cabinet along with her regular delivery of 3 bars on the > bath-room shelf. In just 5 days here I have accumulated 24 little > bars of soap. Why are you doing this to me? > S. Berman > > - - >----------------------------------------------------------------------- > > Dear Mr. Berman, > Your maid, Kathy, has been instructed to stop delivering soap to your > room and remove the extra soaps. If I can be of further assistance, > please call extension 1108 between 8AM and 5PM. Thank you, > Elaine Carmen, > Housekeeper > > - - > ------------------------------------------------------------------------ > Dear Mr. Kensedder, > My bath-size Dial is missing. Every bar of soap was taken from my > room including my own bath-size Dial. I came in late last night and > had to call the bellhop to bring me 4 little Cashmere Bouquets. > S. Berman > > - - > ------------------------------------------------------------------------ > > Dear Mr. Berman, > I have informed our housekeeper, Elaine Carmen, of your soap > problem. I cannot understand why there was no soap in your room > since our maids are instructed to leave 3 bars of soap each time > they service a room. The situation will be rectified > immediately. Please accept my apologies for the inconvenience. > Martin L. Kensedder Assistant Manager > > - - > ------------------------------------------------------------------------ > > Dear Mrs. Carmen, > Who the hell left 54 little bars of Camay in my room? I came in last > night and found 54 little bars of soap. I don't want 54 little > bars of Camay. I want my one damn bar of bath-size Dial. Do you > realize I have 54 bars of soap in here. All I want is my bath > size Dial. Please give me back my bath-size Dial. S. Berman > > - - > ------------------------------------------------------------------------ > > Dear Mr. Berman, > You complained of too much soap in your room so I had them > removed. Then you complained to Mr. Kensedder that all your > soap was missing so I personally returned them. The 24 Camays > which had been taken and the 3 Camays you are supposed to receive > daily (sic). I don't know anything about the 4 Cashmere > Bouquets. Obviously your maid, Kathy, did not know I had > returned your soaps so she also brought 24 Camays plus the 3 > daily Camays. I don't know where you got the idea this hotel > issues bath-size Dial. I was able to locate some bath-size Ivory > which I left in your room. Elaine Carmen Housekeeper > > - - > ------------------------------------------------------------------------ > > Dear Mrs. Carmen, > Just a short note to bring you up-to-date on my latest soap > inventory. As of today I possess: > > - - - -- On shelf under medicine cabinet - 18 Camay in 4 stacks of 4 > and 1 stack of 2. > - - - -- On Kleenex dispenser - 11 Camay in 2 stacks of 4 and 1 stack of 3. > - - - -- On bedroom dresser - 1 stack of 3 Cashmere Bouquet, 1 stack of 4 > hotel-size Ivory, and 8 Camay in 2 stacks of 4. > - - - -- Inside medicine cabinet - 14 Camay in 3 stacks of 4 and 1 stack of > 2. > - - - -- In shower soap dish - 6 Camay, very moist. > - - - -- On northeast corner of tub - 1 Cashmere Bouquet, slightly used. > - - - -- On northwest corner of tub - 6 Camays in 2 stacks of 3. > > Please ask Kathy when she services my room to make sure the > stacks are neatly piled and dusted. Also, please advise her that > stacks of more than 4 have a tendency to tip. May I suggest that > my bedroom window sill is not in use and will make an excellent > spot for future soap deliveries. One more item, I have purchased > another bar of bath-sized Dial which I am keeping in the hotel > vault in order to avoid further misunderstandings. S. Berman From mcafee Fri Feb 24 08:38:20 1995 From: R Preston McAfee Subject: Bobbitts From the Believe it or Not Internet file...I did check that Southern Agriculture, Inc of Tulsa actually exists. Moreover, there is an S. Cudek in Tulsa. I have not succeeded in getting either to answer their phones, however. I know this sounds like I have too much time on my hands, but it's either do this, in the interest of Science, or read another AER submission... -Preston You've got a new dog and you need some new chews. But you want something with stamina that can endure your pooch's constant gnawing. According to one Tulsa animal store, what you need is a naturally occurring body part -- recently referred to as a "bobbitt". A bull's dried bobbitt is a the hottest-selling item made especially for these furry friends. Thanks to the highly publicized trial of Lorena Bobbitt, who was acquitted by reason of insanity in the removal of her husband's penis with a knife, "I don't have to use the word penis anymore," said Sam Cudek, manager of Southern Agriculture Inc. Cudek said she believes Southern Agriculture was the first store in Tulsa to introduce the beef sticks as dog chews 2 1/2 years ago. "The dogs just love them," she said. Now, just about every animal store has them, she said. But she doesn't know whether any of her competitors are taking advantage of the "bobbitt" name. The name seems so appropriate considering what the beef stick is and the way it is made," she said. "It's a bull's penis. They stretch it and then dry it before whacking it off into appropriate sizes." The organ is removed during the slaughtering process. Bobbitt isn't the brand name for the beef stick, but Cudek has been using the name to explain what the item is ever since the Bobbitt incident made headlines. "It's perfect. It's an immediate product identifier," she said. "I can't bear to tell the customer that the beef stick is a penis. So instead, I say it's a bobbitt and everyone knows exactly what I mean. "It's funny to watch the reactions. The men all cringe and the women all giggle as they adjust their grip on the stick," she said. What makes the bobbitt the ideal chew for dogs is its longevity, "a trait most men long for," she said. The beef sticks are about a foot long and cost $2.95 each. They contain 85 percent usable protein and last nearly three times as long as the rawhide chews, she said. It's the best item for teething purposes, she added. But the main reason it's the prime chew is that it's not processed or basted like most rawhide chews, which many dogs are allergic to. It also doesn't break down into strips like the rawhide does, causing blocking in some animals, she said. ------- End of Forwarded Message Update on the dog chews: we have coorboration of this story from an alert reader, whose identity I am concealing for obvious reasons. ---------- Forwarded message ---------- > BUT THE REALLY FUNNY THING is the message you sent about dog chews. This > is what my friend in ########## does for a living, partially. He > makes these things--pissels, they are called. I've seen them. I've > participated in the disgusting processing of them. They are about 3 feet > long, have lots of fat and gunk about them and have to be scraped off > before they can be put into the washer. Then they are dried in a large > room-sized dryer and cut into sections. He also does cow hooves and ears, > and pig ears. You've got to get the hair off the ears (which is used > later for paint brushes). It is the filthiest thing you've ever seen, and > god, the stench. Anyway, the big money right now has shifted from ears to > bull dicks. He can't get enough to meet demand. One dick which costs > about 9 cents, turns into 3 chews, which wholesale for about $1.50. Labor > is cheap and minimal. Is this fascinating or what? Personally, I see my next micro principles lecture will be about market pressure in the bobbitt market. From mcafee Fri Feb 24 08:38:20 1995 From: R Preston McAfee Subject: Cookies For your bemusement: Begin forwarded message: Originator: femecon-l@bucknell.edu From: Susan Dobscha X-Comment: Feminist Economists Discussion Group ----------------------------Original message---------------------------- This has nothing to do with women being better cookie bakers, I just thought we could help get even with at least one "institution"! Have fun! Susan Dobscha =========================================================================== My daughter & I had just finished a salad at Neiman-Marcus Cafe in Dallas & decided to have a small dessert. Because our family are such cookie lovers, we decided to try the "Neiman-Marcus Cookie". It was so excellent that I asked if they would give me the recipe and they said with a small frown, "I'm afraid not." Well, I said, would you let me buy the recipe? With a cute smile, she said, "Yes." I asked how much, and she responded, "Two fifty." I said with approval, just add it to my tab. Thirty days later, I received my VISA statement from Neiman-Marcus and it was $285.00. I looked again and I remembered I had only spent $9.95 for two salads and about $20.00 for a scarf. As I glanced at the bottom of the statement, it said, "Cookie Recipe - $250.00." Boy, was I upset!! I called Neiman's Accounting Dept. and told them the waitress said it was "two fifty," and I did not realize she meant $250.00 for a cookie recipe. I asked them to take back the recipe and reduce my bill and they said they were sorry, but because all the recipes were this expensive so not just everyone could duplicate any of our bakery recipes....the bill would stand. I waited, thinking of how I could get even or even try and get any of my money back. I just said, "Okay, you folks got my $250.00 and now I'm going to have $250.00 worth of fun." I told her that I was going to see to it that every cookie lover will have a $250.00 cookie recipe from Neiman-Marcus for nothing. She replied, "I wish you wouldn't do this." I said, "I'm sorry but this is the only way I feel I could get even," and I will. So, here it is, and please pass it to someone else or run a few copies....I paid for it; now you can have it for free. (Recipe may be halved.): 2 cups butter 4 cups flower 2 tsp. soda 2 cups sugar 5 cups blended oatmeal** 24 oz. chocolate chips 2 cups brown sugar 1 tsp. salt 1 8 oz. Hershey Bar (grated) 4 eggs 2 tsp. baking powder 3 cups chopped nuts 2 tsp. vanilla (your choice) Cream the butter and both sugars. Add eggs and vanilla; mix together with flour, oatmeal, salt, baking powder, and soda. Add chocolate chips, Hershey Bar and nuts. Roll into balls and place two inches apart on a cookie sheet. Bake for 10 minutes at 375 degrees. Makes 112 cookies. ** measure oatmeal and blend in a blender to a fine powder. Have fun!!! This is not a joke --- this is a true story.. ************************************************************ That's it. Please, pass it along to everyone you know, single people, mailing lists, etc..... --------------------------------------------------------------------- Subject: Half-baked cookies THE COOKIE CAPER by R. Preston McAfee Acting on information provided by alert recipient Michael Williams, this reporter phoned Neiman-Marcus in Dallas, which claims to have never sold a cookie recipe, much less sold a recipe for $250.00. The tale is as sleazy as expert testimony. Dobscha's story is as accurate as Arthur Laffer's vita. The story of how this fraud was brought to light, by a reporter as unbiased as a Tobacco Institute study and as serious as the Western Economic Association, is a fascinating drama, signifying as much as an advertisement for a new edition of a principles text. Williams, hoping to get to try a $250 cookie, brought the recipe home to his wife, Sheila. Sheila said that the $250 Neiman-Marcus cookie recipe is an urban myth, like the alligators in the New York sewers, cats dried in the microwave, and good microeconomics papers in the JPE. Williams, knowing that my interest in empirical research is as profound as an Economics Letters paper, promptly phoned me. I called information and received the number of the downtown Dallas Neiman-Marcus store, which is (214) 741-6911. I called N-M. This is what I heard [I'm not making this up]: This is Francie. I'll be out of the office until March 28, so please leave a message on my voice mail. Thank you. Francie spoke in a drawl as thick as an experimental economist's manuscript, but much more comprehensible. I contacted Southwestern Bell's Dallas operator, who verified that I had the main number for the downtown Neiman-Marcus. I called again, to insure that I hadn't misdialed, and got Francie again. I didn't leave a message. The number was as phony as a trade theory proof. I again called Southwestern Bell, and established that N-M has a store in a Dallas suburb named Prestonwood. This sounded as promising as a REStud revise and resubmit, but I called them anyway. Surprisingly, the phone was answered by an operator saying "Neiman-Marcus," in a voice so husky, it could have pulled a dogsled. I could tell my luck had turned. I explained the situation. "I've heard about that," the operator barked, "but I don't think we sell recipes. Let me transfer you to Epicure." She put me on hold for a while. Godot arrived, got bored, and left again. The Roman Empire was built, then fell. I received a response from the QJE. The name Epicure was as obscure to me as a Prescott seminar. But I spoke with a pleasant woman, one Amy Lerks, who assured me that Neiman-Marcus was as likely to sell cookie recipes as J Math Ec is to publish intuitive ideas. "We do sell cookbooks, is that what you're after?" she inquired. I asked what the most expensive cookbook they sell costs. "About $45," she informed me, "but it's of coffee-table quality." I had no idea they made cookbooks that large. At $45, it's a steal, but kind of unwieldy in the kitchen. Amy promised to check with the suppliers to find out if N-M has ever sold recipes, and to call me Wednesday. Meanwhile, I re-examined the original email. The originator of the story, a Susan Dobscha, had no identified address. However, it appeared that her message came from Bucknell University, which turns out to be in Lewisburg, PA, area code 717. A call to the phone company revealed that no Susan Dobscha lives within a Burke neighborhood of Lewisburg. [editor's note: a Burke neighborhood is named after a now infamous incident in which UT Professor Jon Burke was invited to a conference in Spain. He combined the trip with a vacation for his family, so arrived in Spain with his wife and three children, only to find out he had arrived on the correct day one year early. Ever since, a Burke neighborhood has represented an area larger than Sandy Grossman's ego.] I sent Susan Dobscha an email, asking her to fax a copy of her credit card receipt, and insinuating that I was Mike Wallace from 60 minutes. I was as convincing as a psychological explanation. Meanwhile, I logged into the Michigan gopher, hoping to track down the email address vtvm1.cc.vt.edu, where Susan Dobscha allegedly resided. The gopher system is as simple as an IER paper. After several hours, I decided the gopher was as useful as an existence theorem. Meanwhile, emails to a colleague and to Hal Varian, the person who sent me the Dobscha recipe, produced the result that vt was Virginia Tech. This makes as much sense as the statistics in a medical study. Since the name of the university is Virginia Polytechnical Institute and State University and Exceedingly Boring Place to Reside, one might have hoped for a more sensible appellation like VPI, but that's like expecting lawyers to write in english. It turns out that email addresses are available from the gopher for VPI, so I asked for a listing on Dobscha. The list came up as empty as a MBA's head. Feeling that I'd accomplished as much as a federal bureaucrat, I called it a night. I woke up as optimistic as an entering graduate student. The phone company had numbers for a Susan M. Dobscha in Blacksburg and for the economics department at VPI. My call to the econ department was as useful as a referee's report: no Susan Dobscha was in the department. However, a Susan Dobscha is a graduate student in the marketing department. Hmm. As they say at Caltech, the Plott thickens. I left a message. Soon after, I received an email from Dobscha. "I was not the originator of the by a long shot" this missive asserted, as free of errors as a JET galley, "and since I mailed it out have found out that this scenario is exactly as you said - contemporary urban legend. So, no need to worry - I wasn't duped." Dobscha may not have been duped, but what about the millions of internet users, baking away? Displaying all the morals of an attorney, Dobscha felt no obligation to correct the error she propagated, which shows that a marketing education has some effect. She has a promising future as a spokeswoman for Philip Morris. So the recipe, alas, joins the ranks of the spider eggs in BubbleYum, the worms in McDonald's hamburgers, and the Journal of Economic Perspectives as one of the greatest frauds perpetrated on an unsuspecting audience. From mcafee Fri Feb 24 08:38:20 1995 From: R Preston McAfee Subject: Rats A tourist wanders into a back-alley antique shop in San Francisco's Chinatown. Picking through the objects on display he discovers a detailed, life-sized bronze sculpture of a rat. The sculpture is so interesting and unique that he picks it up and asks the shop owner what it costs. "Twelve dollars for the rat, sir," says the shop owner, "and a thousand dollars more for the story behind it." "You can keep the story, old man," he replies, "but I'll take the rat." The transaction complete, the tourist leaves the store with the bronze rat under his arm. As he crosses the street in front of the store, two live rats emerge from a sewer drain and fall into step behind him. Nervously looking over his shoulder, he begins to walk faster, but every time he passes another sewer drain, more rats come out and follow him. By the time he's walked two blocks, at least a hundred rats are at his heels, and people begin to point and shout. He walks even faster, and soon breaks into a trot as multitudes of rats swarm from sewers, basements, vacant lots, and abandoned cars. Rats by the thousands are at his heels, and as he sees the waterfront at the bottom of the hill, he panics and starts to run full tilt. No matter how fast he runs, the rats keep up, squealing hideously, now not just thousands but millions, so that by the time he comes rushing up to the water's edge a trail of rats twelve city blocks long is behind him. Making a mighty leap, he jumps up onto a light post, grasping it with one arm while he hurls the bronze rat into San Francisco Bay with the other, as far as he can heave it. Pulling his legs up and clinging to the light post, he watches in amazement as the seething tide of rats surges over the breakwater into the sea, where they drown. Shaken and mumbling, he makes his way back to the antique shop. "Ah, so you've come back for the rest of the story," says the owner. "No," says the tourist, "I was wondering if you have a bronze lawyer." From mcafee Fri Feb 24 08:38:20 1995 From: R Preston McAfee Subject: The thirty schools in the top twenty This is from the Keynotes of Interest for the Week, Board of Governors of the Federal Reserve System, Office of the Secretary, Sept 28-Oct 2, 1987. Since our seven member board has six members, we probably couldn't complain, but we smelled a rat Monday morning when, in conjunction with the 42nd annual meeting of the World Bank and the IMF, 148 people showed up here for a meeting of the Group of 30. They explained that the Group of 30 truly includes 30 international banking figures, and the supernumeraires were their guests plus the odd -- not to put too fine a point on it -- groupie. The Group of Ten, however, is a group of eleven industrial democracies, and the Group of 77 at last count was a group of 125 developing nations. The Groups of Five and Twenty-Four have their advertised complement, and the Group of Seven often does [for a while, Switzerland was permitted to attend the morning and luncheon, but not the afternoon, meetings of the Group of Seven, at which time it was called the Group of 7 and 2/3]. The Group of 19 seems to be a group of 16 international scientific organizations. Glad we could clear that up for you. Please don't email me about the number of schools in the Big Ten, Pac Ten, or California Schools in the Big East. From mcafee Fri Feb 24 08:38:20 1995 From: R Preston McAfee Subject: FOREIGNERS, ESPECIALLY SCOTS, BEHIND IN TOILETS by Dave Barry When we try to name the one thing that makes America great, we are forced to conclude that the answer is "quality of life," defined as "working toilets." We are blessed with the finest toilet system in the world. When we go to a public place, such as a shopping mall or restaurant, we know that we will find public restrooms meeting all the standards of the Federal Interstate Commode Quality Act, including the following: * Modern soap and paper-towel dispensers designed to conserve our planet's precious resources by always being out of soap and paper towels. * Bad words that have been written on the walls by irresponsible, reprehensible, antisocial, degenerate perverts who can be pretty funny. * A sign that says "EMPLOYEES MUST WASH HANDS BEFFORE LEAVING RESTROOMS AND ALSO FOR GOD'S SAKE PLEASE STOP SPITTING INTO THE ENTREES." * A person who has been in a stall for at least two days making noises like walruses mating. Also, sometimes, if prankish youngsters have not stolen it or attempted to flush a rental security guard down it, there will be a TOILET THAT ACTUALLY WORKS. This is not the case elsewhere in the world. Ask anybody who travels a lot. In foreign countries, you constantly find yourself in scary situations involving plumbing that was built thousands of years ago by the Etruscans, who chose to become extinct rather than try to use it. These facilities are often guarded by very short, very wide, very hostile women who watch you like a hawk and expect you to tip them for tending the mold colonies and making sure the toilet paper is rigid enough to slice luncheon meat. Perhaps you belive I am overstating the scariness of foreign toilets. Well, perhaps you should dig out your December 1993 issue of the Scottish Medical Journal, a copy of which was sent to me by alert research scientist Elliot Cowan. On page 185, you will find an article entitled "THE COLLAPSE OF TOILETS IN GLASGOW." This article, which I am not making up, describes three cases wherin people were injured "whilst sitting on toilets which unexpectedly collapsed." All three patients had to receive hospital treatment for wounds in the buttocks region. (The buttocks region is located just west of Edinburgh.) The article describes the collapsing-toilet incidents in clinical scientific terminology, which contrasts nicely with a close-up, full-face photograph, suitable for framing, of a hairy and hefty victim's naked wounded butt, mooning out of the page at you, causing you to think, for reasons that you cannot quite explain, of Pat Buchanan. "The cause (of the toilet collapses) remains unclear," states the Scottish medical Journal, "except that all the toilets were believed to be very old." (The article does not come right out and use the term "Etruscan," but we can read between the lines.) So my advice is: If you must go to a foreign country, go to the bathroom before you leave. Although I personally would stay right here in the United States, because we could be on the verge of a major scientific breakthrough in the form of -- get ready -- a MICROWAVE TOILET. I have here the May 26, 1993, issue of the Bloomsburg, Pa., Press-Enterprise, sent in by alert reader David Hill; right on the front page is a story, written by Ellen Condron, about a man named George Welliver, who is hoping to manufacture a toilet that would use microwaves to convert waste to ashes, thereby saving water. The article is accompanied by a stunningly artistic color photograph, taken with the camera tilted at an arty angle, showing Mr. Welliver sitting (fully dressed) on his bathroom commode, holding a microwave oven in his lap. I have been to some of the world's finest museums, and I can honestly say that I have never seen a work of art, photographic or otherwise, that more clearly expresses the classic dual themes of "microwave oven" and "toilet." The article quotes Welliver as saying that he originally considered a LASER toilet, but decided against it. I think this was a wise decision. I'm sure I speak on behalf of guys everywhere when I say that I would not want to get any closer than about fifty feet from a laser-powered toilet, so accuracy would be a real problem. But I think the microwave toilet is great idea. In fact, I can foresee a day in the not-so-distant future when there would be one multipurpose microwave device in your home, which would automatically, at a pre-set time, load a frozen burrito into itself, heat it up to serving temperature, then swith over to Toilet Mode, incinerate the burrito, and whisk the ashes away without any human involvement whatsoever. That is the wonderful thing about this great country: The quality of life is constantly improving in ways that we cannot begin to comprehend without massive doses of Prozac, with each generation producing something new and amazing. And then forgetting to flush. From mcafee Fri Feb 24 08:38:20 1995 From: R Preston McAfee Subject: Lawyers When we last looked in on attorneys, there was a house with a javelina in it, and a corpse in a coffin that didn't say anything, much to the relief of the coroner. Here's more, thanks to Hal Varian. > ********************************************** > Most language is spoken language, and most words, once they are > uttered, vanish forever into the air. But such is not the case > with language spoken during courtroom trials, for there exists > an army of courtroom reporters whose job it is to take down and > preserve every statement made during the proceedings. > > Mary Louise Gilman, the venerable editor of the National Shorthand > Reporter has collected many of the more hilarious courtroom bloopers > in two books - Humor in the Court (1977) and More Humor in the Court, > published a few months ago. From Mrs. Gilman's two volumes, here are > some of my favorite transquips, all recorded by America's keepers of > the word: > ******************************* > Q. What is your brother-in-law's name? > A. Borofkin. > Q. What's his first name? > A. I can't remember. > Q. He's been your brother-in-law for years, and you can't > remember his first name? > A. No. I tell you I'm too excited. (Rising from the witness > chair and pointing to Mr. Borofkin.) Nathan, for God's sake, > tell them your first name! > ******************************* > Q. Did you ever stay all night with this man in New York? > A. I refuse to answer that question. > Q. Did you ever stay all night with this man in Chicago? > A. I refuse to answer that question. > Q. Did you ever stay all night with this man in Miami? > A. No. > ******************************* > Q. Now, Mrs. Johnson, how was your first marriage terminated? > A. By death. > Q. And by whose death was it terminated? > ******************************* > Q. Doctor, did you say he was shot in the woods? > A. No, I said he was shot in the lumbar region. > ******************************* > Q. What is your name? > A. Ernestine McDowell. > Q. And what is your marital status? > A. Fair. > ******************************* > Q. Are you married? > A. No, I'm divorced. > Q. And what did your husband do before you divorced him? > A. A lot of things I didn't know about. > ******************************* > Q. And who is this person you are speaking of? > A. My ex-widow said it. > ******************************* > Q. How did you happen to go to Dr. Cherney? > A. Well, a gal down the road had had several of her children > by Dr. Cherney, and said he was really good. > ******************************* > Q. Do you know how far pregnant you are right now? > A. I will be three months November 8th. > Q. Apparently then, the date of conception was August 8th? > A. Yes. > Q. What were you and your husband doing at that time? > ******************************* > Q. Mrs. Smith, do you believe that you are emotionally unstable? > A. I should be. > Q. How many times have you comitted suicide? > A. Four times. > ******************************* > Q. Doctor, how many autopsies have you peformed on dead people? > A. All my autopsies have been performed on dead people. > ******************************* > Q. Were you aquainted with the deceased? > A. Yes, sir. > Q. Before or after he died? > ******************************* > Q. Officer, what led you to believe the defendant was under > the influence? > A. Because he was argumentary and he couldn't pronunciate > his words. > ******************************* > Q. What happened then? > A. He told me, he says, "I have to kill you because you can > identify me." > Q. Did he kill you? > A. No. > ******************************* > Q. Mrs. Jones, is your appearance this morning pursuant to a > deposition notice which I sent to your attorney? > A. No. This is how I dress when I go to work. > ******************************* > THE COURT: Now, as we begin, I must ask you to banish all present > information and prejudice from your minds, if you have > any. > ******************************* > Q. Did he pick the dog up by the ears? > A. No. > Q. What was he doing with the dog's ears? > A. Picking them up in the air. > Q. Where was the dog at this time? > A. Attached to the ears. > ******************************* > Q. When he went, had you gone and had she, if she wanted to and > were able, for the time being excluding all the restraints on > her not to go, gone also, would he have brought you, meaning > you and she, with him to the station? > MR. BROOKS: Objection. That question should be taken out and shot. > ******************************* > Q. And lastly, Gary, all your responses must be oral. O.K.? > What school do you go to? > A. Oral. > Q. How old are you? > A. Oral. > ******************************* > Q: What is your relationship with the plaintiff? > A: She is my daughter. > Q: Was she your daughter on February 13, 1979? > ******************************* > Q: Now, you have investigated other murders, have you not, where > there was a victim? > ******************************* > Q: ...and what did he do then? > A: He came home, and next morning he was dead. > Q: So when he woke up the next morning he was dead? > ******************************* > Q: Did you tell your lawyer that your husband had offered you > indignities? > A: He didn't offer me nothing; he just said I could have the > furniture. > ******************************* > Q: So, after the anesthesia, when you came out of it, what did > you observe with respect to your scalp? > A: I didn't see my scalp the whole time I was in the hospital. > Q: It was covered? > A: Yes, bandaged. > Q: Then, later on.. what did you see? > A: I had a skin graft. My whole buttocks and leg were removed > and put on top of my head. > ******************************* > Q: Could you see him from where you were standing? > A: I could see his head. > Q: And where was his head? > A: Just above his shoulders. > ******************************* > Q: What can you tell us about he truthfulness and veracity of > this defendant? > A: Oh, she will tell the truth. She said she'd kill that > sonofabitch- and she did! > ******************************* > Q: Do you drink when you're on duty? > A: I don't drink when I'm on duty, unless I come on duty drunk. > ******************************* > Q: ...any suggestions as to what prevented this from being a > murder trial instead of an attempted murder trial? > A: The victim lived. > ******************************* > Q: Are you sexually active? > A: No, I just lie there. > ******************************* > Q: Are you qualified to give a urine sample? > A: Yes, I have been since early childhood. > ******************************* > Q: The truth of the matter is that you were not an unbiased, > objective witness, isn't it. You too were shot in the fracas? > A: No, sir. I was shot midway between the fracas and the naval. > ******************************* > Q: What is the meaning of sperm being present? > A: It indicates intercourse. > Q: Male sperm? > A. That is the only kind I know. > ******************************* > Q: (Showing man picture.) That's you? > A: Yes, sir. > Q: And you were present when the picture was taken, right? > ******************************* > Q: Was that the same nose you broke as a child? > A: I have only one, you know. From mcafee Fri Feb 24 08:38:20 1995 From: R Preston McAfee Subject: Expert Witnesses I'm at least 95% certain that these are actual quotes from a deposition and a trial, respectively. The answers come from two different economists. Q. Okay. What to you mean by "market"? A. I think you define a market for a particular commodity such as natural gas by going to an area large enough that you can find enough transactions to constitute a market. One transaction is not a market. In other words, you need to look at a number of transactions. There's no magic number, but you need, certainly need transactions before you can determine what's happening in that market. So you have to go to an area large enough which assesses to the same buyers if you will and get enough transactions. Then you have a market area. ----------------------------------------------------------- Q. Do you know what a "confidence interval" is? A. I'm reasonably certain that I don't. From mcafee Fri Feb 24 08:38:20 1995 From: R Preston McAfee Subject: The Funny Times Thanks to Bob Parks. Rot off the Press by Richard Lederer (published in "The Funny Times") Americans are great newspaper readers. Four out of five adults read the newspaper regularly, and nearly ninety percent of American homes have newspapers in them. This vast readership keeps about 10,000 weeklies and 1,700 daily papers in business. News stories have short lives. A story is born when something happens and dies when the newspaper gels old - usually in less than a day. Sometimes, though, under the press of constant press deadlines, a reporter or editor will goof, and apart of a story will live on beyond its time-in a collection of anguished English: o This evening's meeting of the Clairvoyance Society has been canceled due to unforeseen circumstances. o Bush, himself a former director of the CIA, said Gates would not routinely attend Cabinet meetings but would take part in sessions where intelligence was necessary for making decisions. o Elias and other researchers say they believe that aspartame can do more damage over a long period of time than federal health officials. o The Women's Club met Tuesday at the home of Mrs. Layton. Mrs. Knight gave a review of the book Naked Came I, after which Mrs. Farwell gave a demonstration. o This is the time of year when all the policemen and firemen hold their balls. o By then, she will have shed 80 of the 240 pounds she weighed in with when she entered the Peter Bent Brigham hospital obesity program. A third of her left behind! o Inflation and spending cuts have forced the rewriting of a fairy tale. Because of cash restrictions imposed by Wolverhampton Council, the Open Air Theatre Company has lost some of its members and will stage "Snow White and the Two Dwarfs." o We want to wish all our Jewish friends a happy Yom Kippur. o He then gave up cricket for a missionary position in Rhodesia. o An antique mirror was stolen from the home of Mr. and Mrs. Buddy Shavers of Worcester Thursday evening. Police are looking into it. o Dr. Krieger is married. His wife, Vanessa, is a Special Education. o Brian Porter, embezzler, endorsed checks for $90,299.77 last year. For nine months he played the daily double, sipped dry martinis, dallied with expensive prostitutes, flew first class from city to city, and spent the rest foolishly. o The macadamia was named for Dr. John MacAdam, an enthusiastic scientist who promoted the nut in its native Australia, and was dubbed "the perfect nut" by Luther Burbank. o President Nixon today proclaimed May 'Older Americans Month." In a second proclamation, Nixon also designated May as "National Arthritis Month." o According to officials, it took the clever plan of assistant chief Robert Clark to flee the men. Clark hooked up a wench to a pickup truck, then hoisted the men to freedom. o CARD OF THANKS. On behalf of Barbara Rutledge and her family, our sincere thanks go out to those sending flowers, cards and contributing to the death of her husband. o The candidate looked younger than his 39 years, full of energy, and his sandy hair, stylishly cut and blow-dried, danced as he moved his 6 feet around the stage. o Dear Sir: I am a married woman, and I am fed up with being stuck at home. I wondered if you could help me a I am thinking of starting to breed with my poodle. o Police officer Avery Williamson relied on intuitive judgment when he exposed himself to an armed suspect who had abducted two children. The gamble paid off when the man surrendered. o With the exception of victimless crimes (which need not concern us here), every single crime committed in this nation of ours involves a victim. o Chairman Billings asked Board members to muster support from parent- teacher groups to support the governor's task force on drinking while intoxicated. o He hasn't even had his day in court yet, but Simon Wynne has been kicked off the ESU basketball team after being arrested and accused of driving a parked car while intoxicated. o Montreal police don't hesitate to use whatever laws, regulations, or persuasion they feel they need to control morality in the city and prevent it from getting a foothold in any one part of the city. o A college friendship that began a year ago ended in matrimony yesterday. o The ladies bathroom is manned at all times. o Smith smashed a towering shot that hit a popcorn vendor on the fly. o "Sieves will be a great insurance policy for us," said the White Sox manager, Al Lopez. "He can spell Ted Kluszewski at first base." o Irving Rothstein is a Washington writer who specializes in manufacturing issues. o Two of Indiana's five former living governors don't think much of the state's lottery. o Colorado's wildlife officers are investigating the second death of a bull moose. o We have made the commitment to our readers to minimize "jumps," those stories that continue from one page to another. Readers have told newspapers loud and often that they do not like such "jumps," and most stories will fit on the page they begin. - See CHANGE, page A-2 o Letter to advice columnist Dorothy Du: My husband keeps telling me to go to Hell. Have I a legal right to take the children? o Heard on a New Hampshire radio station: A group of pornographic publishers has been arrested in Fellows Balls, Vermont. From mcafee Fri Feb 24 08:38:20 1995 From: R Preston McAfee Subject: One liner Q: What do you get when you cross a crooked lawyer with a crooked politician? A: Chelsea From mcafee Fri Feb 24 08:38:20 1995 From: R Preston McAfee Subject: Camping in the Black Forest Apropos your impending departure for Germany, this caveat from a sign in a Black Forest campground: "It is strictly forbidden on our black forest camping site that people of different sex, for instance, men and women, live together in one tent unless they are married with each other for that purpose." From mcafee Fri Feb 24 08:38:20 1995 From: R Preston McAfee Subject: Loony Laws These are from the book "Loony Laws" by Robert Pelton (Walker Press). They are all stated as true, and on the books as of 1990. * In Ottumwa, Iowa, "It is unlawful for any male person, within the corporate limits [of the city], to wink at any female person with whom he is unacquainted." * In Los Angeles, it is unlawful to bathe two babies in the same tub at the same time. * In Zion, IL, it is illegal to give lighted cigars to dogs, cats or other domesticated animals kept as pets. * In Carmel, NY, a man can't go outside wearing pants and a jacket that don't match. * In Gary, IN, persons are prohibited from attending a movie house or theater and from riding a public streetcar within four hours of eating garlic. * In Miami, it is illegal for men to wear a strapless gown. * In Hartford, CT, it's illegal to cross a street while walking on your hands. * In Baltimore, it's illegal to take a lion to the movies. * In Nicholas County, W.Va., no member of the clergy is allowed to tell humorous stories or jokes from the pulpit during a church service. [This is clearly an unconstitutional law.] * In California, animals are barred from mating within 1,500 feet of a tavern, school or place of worship. *In Pennsylvania, "any motorist driving along a country road at night must stop every mile and send up a rocket signal, wait ten minutes for the road to be cleared of livestock and then continue." * In Carrizozo, N.M., it's forbidden for a woman to appear in public with face or legs unshaven." California Assemblyman Richard Floyd, D-Carmel, initiated a contest to find California's stupidest law. Among those discovered: * A 1972 law banning blowguns * a statute prohibiting sky divers from consuming alcohol * An 1870 law prohibiting the use of false whiskers From mcafee Fri Feb 24 08:38:20 1995 From: R Preston McAfee Subject: Moving As I'm moving in a couple of months, I've started to get a little anxious, because my house is packed with stuff to the approximate density of a neutron star. I don't think I purchased all this stuff, but instead sucked much of central Texas into my closets, drawers and cabinets by gravitational attraction. I thought it would be a good idea to make some space in the garage to store some of this stuff, and attempted to rearrange the approximately fourteen million board feet of lumber, which amounts to Oregon's annual timber production, that was left over from the time I tried to build steps to my deck. Hidden between boxes of electrical gizmos marked NASA and a Mitchell B-25 bomber aircraft, I found all manner of things I don't recall purchasing, such as a mounted moose head (but I did live in Canada and may have been given it upon entry), the shroud of Turin, and the Home SDI Laser Perimeter Defense Kit (but I might have purchased this in my running battle to keep deer from eating my plants, before I realized it is a hell of a lot easier to shoot down missles than to prevent deer from eating new plants). The good thing about moving, for me, is the useful stuff I find that I forgot I owned. In order to not run out of computer disks or Uniball Micro pens, I have, over the years, acquired about 1000 of each, which are scattered around the house, still in their original cartons of ten or twelve, in places that seemed logical at the time but guarantee that the next time I can't find a disk, I'll search for hours and finally go buy fifty so that I'll *never* run out again. These are being placed carefully into a box in the attic, marked in large letters DISKS & PENS, so that the next time I run out, I only have to log into internet and ask you where I put them. One problem with owning a home is having the space to keep things like broken VCRs still in the original carton and made in Canada anyway so that no one could fix it even if they wanted to, bicycles without seats or chains, old ugly luggage, and paperback novels I didn't like the first time. Any construction job generates more scrap than constructions. However, the first time you throw away any of it, or burn it in the fireplace, you will find that you need *exactly* that piece you disposed of. Because I buy things through the mail, I collect enormous volumes of styrofoam packing peanuts, enough to fill all the bean bag chairs in San Francisco in 1968. But I've found an environmentally correct way to dispose of it. Put it in a bowl, sprinkle with salt and bring it out during the fourth quarter of a football game. You can unload about a cubic yard per football fan this way, and it doesn't have nearly the fat content of movie popcorn. Not surprisingly, Dave Barry has moved too. So here is ... MOVING: A COMMON MISTAKE by Dave Barry I, personally, have never given birth to a child, but I have seen it dramatized a number of times on television and I would say that in terms of pain, childbirth does not hold a candle to moving. For one thing, childbirth has a definite end to it. The baby comes out, looking like a vaseline-smeared ferret, and the parents get to beam at it joyfully and that is that. Whereas the average couple goes on moving forever. You take couple A, who just had a baby, and couple B, who just moved their household, and if you keep track of them, you'll find that years from now, when couple A's baby has grown up, left home, and started a family, couple B will still be rooting through boxes of wadded-up newspaper, looking for the lid to their Mr. Coffee. Also, during childbirth, when things go wrong, trained professionals give you powerful drugs. Nobody is ever this thoughtful during a move. This is why my Number One piece of helpful advice to people who are about to move, especially for the first time, is always: DON'T DO IT! SET FIRE TO YOUR HOUSEHOLD GOODS RIGHT NOW AND JUST WALK AWAY FROM THEM WITHOUT SO MUCH AS A BACKWARD GLANCE! THIS WILL BE EASIER IN THE LONG RUN! Of course, you think I'm just kidding, and by the time you realize I'm not, you'll already be in your new home, trying unsuccessfully to locate something to slash your wrists with. So we might as well get started. First off, you need to make an important decision: Are you going to move yourself with the help of friends who have been drinking too much beer, or are you going to hire surly, incompetent professionals? The answer most likely depends on whether or not you, personally, have to pay for it. Many times, large corporations will pay for moving expenses, so you might ask them, although usually their policy is to do this only for their own employees. PROFESSIONAL MOVERS: HOW TO GET YOUR POSSESSIONS BACK The big advantage of going with professional movers, of course, is that you have somebody to complain to when you get to your new home and discover that your fine china has been reduced to Chiclet-size pieces and there is mayonnaise in the piano. Also, if it's a full-service move, you get to watch the Packing People in action. These are moving company workers who go through your house scooping up everything they see and putting it into a box. *Everything*. The Packing People do not ask questions. They will cheerfully pack an entire box with used kitty litter, painstakingly wrapping each individual cat doot in specialized paper so that it will not be damaged in shipment. Thus it is very important to keep a sharp eye on the Packing People while they are at work, so as to avoid painful tragedies. ("WHAT HAVE YOU DONE WITH JENNIFER?") Another problem that sometimes arise with professional movers is getting them to give you your furniture back once they put it in the van. This problem is especially serious if the driver, after he puts your stuff in his van, goes around and picks up several other households full of stuff, which he then has to drop off, usually in Zaire, before he can go to your new home. The solution to this problem is to do what savvy moving families have been doing for years: hijack the truck. Get a gun, and simply demand that the driver unload at your house first. Of course, this means you'll wind up with somebody else's possessions, but it doesn't really matter. You'll never get them unpacked anyway. MOVING YOURSELF The big advantage of moving yourself is that you get to rent a rental truck. Rental trucks are highly specialized vehicles that are not released for use by the general public until they have undergone an intensive "breaking-in" program of being used to carry violent cattle with severe intestinal disorders over rough terrain for a minimum of 1,700,000 miles without maintenance. These machines are capable of travelling the length of several football fields on a single tankful of gas, yet they boast the kind of cornering, braking, and acceleration characteristics normally associated with municipal stadiums. No question about it: Once you get behind the wheel of a rental truck, you'll wonder what the sticky substance on the seat is. But before you're ready to think about the truck, you need to go through all your possessions and make a serious futile effort to get rid of them. A key element in this effort is... THE GARAGE SALE A garage sale is basically when strangers come to your house and examine your personal belongings with undisguised contempt. The first ones you'll meet will be the garage sale Regulars. Garage sales are their lives. They'll show up at your home early, generally about two days before the sale is scheduled to begin. The way they find out about it is, they use computers to examine satellite reconnaissance photographs of suburban neighborhoods for signs of incipient garage sale activity, such as people standing around arguing about how much to charge for a 1953 set of the Encyclopedia Brittanica that's missing volume 18 (Saliva-Tapeworm). How do you price all those treasured personal belongings? The truth is, it doesn't matter what you charge, because the Regulars aren't going to pay it. These are people that do not own a single possession, including furniture, that they paid more than $2.50 for, and they are not about to change their policy for the likes of you. GARAGE SALE REGULAR (picking up sale object): What's this? YOU: That's my grandmother's brooch. It's twenty-four carat gold, it has eight flawless diamonds, and these are real pearls in the center here. It was presented to my grandmother personally by the King of England, whose crest is on the back. GARAGE SALE REGULAR: I'll give you a dollar for it. The Regulars will quickly pick you clean of everything that anybody might want to buy, so when your sale actually gets underway, it will consist of people getting out of their cars, examining your possessions the way you might view an unexpected leech in your pasta, then asking you: "Is this it?" The only thing they'll be interested in buying is anything on which you have carefully placed a large sign stating: NOT FOR SALE. They'll walk up, read the sign carefully, then ask you: "Is this for sale?" It can make you feel vaguely inadequate, watching people reject your possessions. At least that's how it affects me. I find myself wanting to please these people. I want to say "If you don't see what you like, we'll order it!" But of course this tends to defeat the whole purpose of the garage sale, so the best thing to do is just sit there grimly until the sale is over and you can throw everything away. Okay, now we've cleared out some of the dead wood, it's time to proceed with the next step in the moving process, which is... GETTING A BUNCH OF EMPTY LIQUOR BOXES AND HURLING THINGS INTO THEM AT RANDOM You won't start out this way, of course. You'll start by selecting the objects with great care and wrapping them up very gently. You'll keep this up for a week or so, packing box after box, making regular trips for more, getting to be good buddies with the clerks at the liquor store, getting a satisfied feeling when you gaze upon the big stack of filled boxes in the living room. And then one day you'll look around and make a chilling discovery: You're not making any progress. There's still just as much stuff lying around unboxed as there was the day you started. There might even be more. And so you start to pack with less care, faster and faster, until you find yourself in an uncontrolled packing frenzy, thowing everything - dirt, money, deceased spiders - into liquor boxes in a desperate effort to empty the house. What you have come up against here is a strange phenomenon that has astounded scientists and liquor store clerks for thousands of years: It is impossible to empty a house. You can't do it. Somehow, word that you're moving gets out to all the dumps and garbage disposal sites, and in the dead of night there comes an eerie rustling sound as all your old possessions, the ones you threw away years ago - broken appliances, coffee grounds, Pat Boone records - rise up and come limping, scuttling and scooching back to your house, where they nestle in the backs of your closets, waiting to spring out at you the way Tony Perkins kept springing out at people in Psycho, only more unexpectedly. If you throw them away again, they'll crawl right back the next night. Eventually you'll lose your sanity, and you'll start deciding to keep them. "This looks like it's in pretty good shape!" you'll say, holding up the owner's manual to the Chevrolet station wagon that you sold in 1972. And all the other old possessions, back in their closets, writhe with joy, because they know there is hope for them. This is how deranged you can become: The last time we moved, I had to physically prevent my wife from packing several scum-encrusted rags I had been using to clean toilets. It was also my wife who decided to keep the greenish chair that looks like what would happen if a monstrous prehistoric creature blew its nose in our living room. We had remarked many times before that all the pain and anguish of moving would be justified by that fact that we would be leaving this chair behind forever. It broke into open laughter when it was carried into our new home. HELPFUL PACKING HINTS o After packing a box, always write your name on the top (e.g. BARRY), so when you get to your new home you'll be able to tell at a glance what your name is. o Tropical fish should be individually wadded up in newspaper. o In fact, it's a good idea to pack several boxes full of nothing but wadded-up pieces of newspaper, so you'll have plenty on hand in your new home. o When packing perishable items such as yogurt, make a mental note to throw them away immediately upon arrival in your new home. o Be sure to take along at least 2,800 pounds of your old college textbooks with titles like "Really Long Poems of the Sixteenth Century", the ones you never read when you were in college, the ones that are still packed in boxes from four moves ago. These are sure to come in handy. o It is best not to pack prescription drugs such as tranquilizers. It is best to keep them on hand and gulp them down like salted peanuts. Another total breakdown of rational thought occurs when you start deciding to leave behind things as little gifts for the new owners. You will look at your collection of seventeen thousand cans of various paints, none of which has been opened since the Protestant Reformation and each of which contains about a quarter inch of sludge hardened to the consistency of dental porcelain, and you will say: "The new owners will probably be able to use these!" You will saw the same thing about the swing set gradually oxidizing into a major rust formation in the backyard, even though you know the new owners are a childless couple in their seventies. You will leave them old eyeglasses, deceased radios, filthy rags, and baked goods supporting fourth generation mold colonies. You will leave them half-filled bags of lawn chemicals that have, over the decades, permanently bonded to the garage floor. Near the end, you will display not the slightest shred of human decency: YOU (brightly): I'm sure the new owner would like to have this! YOUR SPOUSE: That's your mother! From mcafee Fri Feb 24 08:38:20 1995 From: R Preston McAfee Subject: history 101 Those who forget history--and the English language--may be condemned to mangle both. Historian Anders Henriksson, a five- year veteran of the university classroom, has faithfully recorded his freshman students' more striking insights into European history. Possibly as an act of vengeance, Henriksson has assembled these fractured fragments into a chronological narra- tive from the Middle Ages to the present. During the Middle Ages, everyone was middle aged. Church and state were co-operated. Middle Evil society was made up of monks, lords, and surfs. After a revival of infantile commerce, merchants appeared. Those roamed from town to town exposing them- selves and organizing big fairies in the countryside. The Crusades were expeditions by Christians who were seeking to free the holy land (the "Home Town" of Christ) from the Islams. In the 1400 hundreds most Englishmen were perpendicular. A class of ycowls arose. Finally, Europe caught the Black Death. It was spread from port to port by inflected rats. The plague also helped the emergence of English as the national language of England, France, and Italy. The Middle Ages slimpared to a halt. The renesance bolted in from the blue. Life reeked with joy. Italy became robust, and more individuals felt the value of their human being. Italy, of course, was much closer to the rest of the world, thanks to northern Europe. Man was determined to civilise himself and his brothers, even if heads had to roll! It became sheik to be educa- ted. Europe was full of incredable churches with great art bulging out of their doors. Renaisance merchants were beautiful and almost lifelike. The Reformnation happened when German nobles resented that tithes were going to the pope, thus enriching Catholic coiffures. The popes were usually Catholic. An angry Martin Luther nailed 95 theocrats to a church door. Theologically, Luthar was into reori- entation mutation. Anabaptist services tended to be migratory. Monks went right on seeing themselves as worms. The last Jesuit priest died in the 19th century. After the refirmation were wars both foreign and infernal. If the Spanish could gain the Netherlands they would have a stronghold throughout northern Europe that would include Italy, Burgangy, central Europe and India thus surrounding France. The German Emperor's lower passage was blocked by the French for years and years. Louis XIV became King of the Sun. He gave people food and artillery. If he didn't like someone, he sent them to the gallows to row for the rest of their lives. Vauban was the royal minister of flirtation. In Russia, the 17th century was known as the time of the bounding of the serfs. Russian nobles wore clothes to humor Peter the Great. Peter filled his government with accidental people; orthodox priests became government antennae. The enlightenment was a reasonable time. Voltaire wrote a book called Candy that got him into trouble. Philosophers were unknown yet, and the fundamental stake was one of religious tolerance slightly confused with defeatism. France was in a serious state. Taxation was a great drain on the state budget. The French revolution was accomplished before it happened. The revolution catapaulted into Napolean. Napoleon was ill with bladder problems and was very tense and unrestrain- ed. History started in 1815. Industrialization was precipitating in England. Problems were so complexicated that in Paris, out of a population of 1 million people, 2 million able bodies were on the loose. The middle class was tired and needed a rest. The old order could see the lid holding down new ideas beginning to shake. Among the goals of the chartists were universal suferage and an anal parliment. A new time zone of national unification roared over the horizon. Founder of the new Italy was Cavour, an intelligent Sardine from the north. Culture formented from its tip to its top. Dramatized were adventures in seduction and abortion. Music reeked with reality. Wagner was master of music, and when he died they labeled his seat "historical." World War I broke out about 1912-1914. At war people get killed, and then they aren't people any more, but friends. Peace was proclaimed at Versigh, which was attended by General Loid, Primal Minister of England. President Wilson arrived with 14 pointers. In 1917, Lenin revolted Russia. Germany was displaced after WW1. This gave rise to Hitler, who remilitarized the Rineland over a squirmish between Germany and France. Mooscalini rested his foundations on 8 million bayonets and invaded Hi Lee Salasy. Germany invaded Poland, France invaded Belgium, and Russia invaded everybody. War screeched to an end when a nukleer explosion was dropped on Heroshima. A whole generation had been wipe out, and their forlorne families were left to pick up the peaces. The last stage is us. From mcafee Fri Feb 24 08:38:20 1995 From: R Preston McAfee Subject: Wrong Arm of the Law No source was given for this, but it makes a good story. Wrong Arm of the Law A judge admonished the police in Radnor, Pa., for pretending a Xerox copy machine was a lie detector. Officials had placed a metal colander on the head of a suspect and attached the colander to the copier with metal wires. In the copy machine was a typewritten message: "He's lying." Each time investigators received answers they didn't like, they pushed the copy button and out popped the message, "He's lying." Apparently convinced the machine was accurate, the suspect confessed. From mcafee Fri Feb 24 08:38:20 1995 From: R Preston McAfee Subject: Software developers I'm sending this mostly so that people will quit sending it to me! A software developer guy is a walkin' down the street, and he hears a voice from the sidewalk. He looks down and sees a frog. The frog says,"Hi, I'm really a beautiful princess. Pick me up, give me a kiss, and I'll let you gaze at my beauty for an hour". So the sw guy bends down, picks up the frog, puts her in his pocket, and keeps walking. So the frog says, "HEY! Wait a minute, let me out!". The sw guy pulls the frog out of his pocket. Now the frog says, "If you kiss me I'll turn into a beautiful princess and I'll give you great sex for a week!" The sw guy puts the frog back into his pocket. "WHAT? HEY, get me out of here!". He pulls the frog out again. "If you kiss me I'll turn into a beautiful princess and I'll give you great sex for a whole year!!!" Back into the pocket. sw guy keeps on walking. "WAIT A MINITE! GET ME OUT OF HERE! Please, take me out of your pocket!" So the sw guy does, and the frog asks him, "What's the deal here? I promise you a beautiful princess and great sex for a year, yet you keep putting me back into your pocket!?" And the sw guy replies "I'm a software developer. I don't have time for sex. But a talking frog is WAY COOL!" From mcafee Fri Feb 24 08:38:20 1995 From: R Preston McAfee Subject: Reading the Manual I bought a GE coffeemaker in 1977 that came with instructions including Do not operate the coffeemaker inside a warm oven. Operating the coffeemaker inside a warm oven will not speed brewing and could cause a dangerous fire. I was motivated to think about this from the following quote provided by Barry Nalebuff. Subject: FORTRAN DATA statement explained at last The primary purpose of the DATA statement is to give names to constants; instead of referring to pi as 3.141592653589793 at every appearance, the variable PI can be given that value with a DATA statement and used instead of the longer form of the constant. This also simplifies modifying the program, should the value of pi change. -- FORTRAN manual for Xerox Computers From mcafee Fri Feb 24 08:38:20 1995 From: R Preston McAfee Subject: Show Me the Law >From the current issue of the Journal of the American Bar Association: Missouri Attorney General Jay Nixon wants to put a stop to nuisance lawsuits by prisoners, and has published a list of the most frivolous lawsuits filed by state inmates. These include: Prisoners should be served butter, not just margarine, with meals (dismissed). Inmates working in the prison law library should be paid the same as attorneys (dismissed). The cost of junk food in the prison commissary is too high (pending). A limit on Kool-Aid refills is cruel and unusual punishment; inmates should be given sit-down service at restaurants and be paid $26 a day in food allowance when travelling from prison to the courthouse (dismissed). Nicotine patches should be provided free to inmates (pending). The state should provide a convicted murderer with an ax to build a sweat lodge for worship (a federal judge ordered the state to allow the inmate, an American Indian, to practice his traditional rights in such a lodge)(no decision on the ax listed). Buchanan County should pay damages to an inmate who broke his leg trying to escape (dismissed). Prisoners should be treated to salad bars and brunches on weekends and holidays (pending). Missouri has 30 lawyers working exclusively on such cases, according to Nixon. In other legal news, "He's called an absolute centrist on the bench. That means, in Roe v. Wade, he'd vote for versus." -Argus Hamilton on Stephen Breyer Lawyer Cynthia Gustke of Elkins, West Virginia, received a letter from a client in prison that said "Being here is like being in jail." Finally, Judge Barry Brown ruled that the Sumner County, Tennessee Juvenile Court building was unsafe, saying "There were two bats in my robe and one in my chair. We couldn't open our mouths without them flying in." Thought you'd like to know. From mcafee Fri Feb 24 08:38:20 1995 From: R Preston McAfee Subject: Your risk of dying from obesity This was in today's Boston Globe, p.14. It was early when I read it; I kept trying to figure out how it got to be April 1 without my noticing... SEATTLE - A 410-pound man on death row, who eats nearly 6,000 calories a day and declines any exercise, has escaped the hangman's noose because of his size. Mitchell Rupe, 39, convicted of murdering two women in a 1981 bank robbery, convinced a federal judge this week that he is too heavy to hang. Under the force of his own weight, he risks decapitation, deemed a "cruel and unusual punishment" in the last century, and therefore illegal under the Eighth Amendment, Rupe's attorneys argued. US District Judge Thomas Zilly concluded that placing Rupe on the gallows would offend "basic human dignity" and go against "public perceptions of standards of decency." Those who believe Rupe should die have accused him of eating his way off death row. Rupe, who is 6 feet 1, is not offered second helpings after prison meals, but he consumes an extra 2,000 calories a day in chocolate and potato chips from the inmate's shop, and declines the daily offer of 2 1/2 hours exercise, according to prison officials. Since his incarceration, he has put on 80 pounds. (Washington Post) From mcafee Fri Feb 24 08:38:20 1995 From: R Preston McAfee Subject: Politics George W. Bush, running for govenor of Texas, shot an endangered bird on the opening day of hunting season. Pundits seem to be unsure whether this is a political liability in Texas. In the recent debates here in Boston, the speakers had unusually wide podiums, to conceal Ted Kennedy's expansion. It may be that the recently announced conflict in the age of the universe with the inflation theory can be accounted for by including Kennedy's mass in the calculations. And yesterday, the Boston globe reported: A billboard in Pensacola, FL, shows a photograph of former Mayor Jerry Maygarden, candidate for state representative, turning into a likeness of Preident Clinton, with the slogan "If you like Bill Clinton, you'll love Jerry Maygarden!" Maygarden was Clinton's Pensacola campaign manager in 1992. However, this year Maygarden is the Republican candidate, having switched parties last year. Maygarden's Democratic opponent, Gerald McGill, put up the billboard. In the Second Congressional district in Hawaii, Robert Garner easily won the Republican primary, and has not been seen since, despite the continuing efforts of the state GOP to track him down. -------------------------------------- I've always wondered how Ted Kennedy manages to continue to represent Massachusetts. The image of Kennedy running around that Florida compound wearing those reading glasses but no pants would be enough to sink most politicians. I gather Kennedy can't lie on the beach anymore - the Coast Guard would try to drag him back out to sea. Kennedy's re-election is all the more remarkable given the anti-Democrat, and anti-spending, voting pattern. Kennedy attempted to portray himself as fiscally responsible. I would have expected that this would meet with as much success as Kennedy claiming to be thin or ethical. One particular Boston Globe headline, "Groups see Kennedy as Weak on Cutting the Deficit," is revealing. The thrust of the article was that some voters were skeptical, presumably those with an IQ exceeding room temperature in Celsius. (An adjoining headline said "Condemned Prisoners Can Donate Sperm," which must provide fierce competition for the Nobel Laureate Sperm Bank.) The best Kennedy story came from the debates. To conceal his volume from the television audience, Kennedy asked for - and received - extra wide podiums for the debate (a Globe article called them "condominum-sized"). The bill for the rental of these podiums, $1,025.00, has come due, and the Kennedy campaign sent the bill to the debate sponsors, who are sending the bill back to Kennedy. In other news, Apple had been calling a new computer under development "Carl Sagan." This was a purely in-house term, not the name of a product sold to the public. Sagan objected, and Apple changed the name to BHA, which allegedly stands for "Butt-Headed Astronomer." Sagan sued, alleging damage to his reputation, and the judge quickly dismissed the suit. Thus, there is at least one sensible judge. Finally, for those of you keeping track of the level of economics education in the news, we have this from the New York Times, in an article about commercial farming of Striped Bass. To Josh Goldman, it's all very simple. On a display board, he draws one line - slanting upward - that's world demand for fish. Below that, a second line, slanting down - the wild supply. From mcafee Fri Feb 24 08:38:20 1995 From: R Preston McAfee Subject: texan mbas... This is serious evidence that there is a spark of life in Palo Alto! Who'd a thunk it? What are the top 10 signals you are a Texan-MBA? 10. Your personalized license plates were made by a relative. 9. Your business card includes your CB handle. 8. When the professor asked for a definition of Pareto Sub-Optimal, you replied "That dog won't hunt." 7. Your state motto is Cogito Petro Nius, or "Think Big, two-step, drill deep." 6. On the Chicago Board of Trade, you once bought five boxcars of armadillos. 5. Your sweetheart's hairdo once became entangled in a ceiling fan. 4. Your front porch collapsed and killed more than two hounds. 3. You know why mixing fertilizer with kerosene is like mixing Southern Baptists with Mardi Gras. 2. Directions to your sister's society wedding included "turn off paved road..." 1. Title for your last OB paper was "Harvard MBAs Longitudinally: All Hat and No Cattle." Source: Stanford Business School *Reporter*. By the way, there's nothing wrong with Texas Baptists that holding them under water longer wouldn't cure. (quoted by Molly Ivins) From mcafee Fri Feb 24 08:38:20 1995 From: R Preston McAfee Subject: Student Evaluations "I've always been a big supporter of the constitutional right of the people to peaceably assemble and petition the government for redress of grievances. It's just that I never envisioned it taking the form of thousands of people screaming 'You asshole! You asshole!' at me." -Lowell Weicker quoted by Molly Ivins From mcafee Fri Feb 24 08:38:20 1995 From: R Preston McAfee Subject: Free Trade, Gibberish Administration officials scrambled last week to change the name of AFTA - the American Free Trade Area - which was the unofficial name of a proposal to create a hemisphere-wide free trade zone, when they learned that afta is, in Portugese, an open sore in the mouth. Afta didn't appeal to the Brazilian delegation. The new name is FTAA - The Free Trade Area of the Americas. Is this pronounced fatah? Meanwhile, the APEC (Asian Pacific Economic Cooperation) conference led to fierce disagreement over the last word. Candidates include zone, area and caucus. Existing economic subgroups in Latin America are: Mercosur, Group of Three, Caricom, the Andean Pact, Central American Common Market, and Aladi. Finally, the U.S., Mexico and Canada have invited Chile to join NAFTA, provided it move north of the equator. Source: NY Times From mcafee Fri Feb 24 08:38:20 1995 From: R Preston McAfee Subject: USAir In September, after its fifth crash in five years, USAir changed the slogan for its shuttle from "On the hour, on the nose" to "On the hour." From mcafee Fri Feb 24 08:38:20 1995 From: R Preston McAfee Subject: Gib Lewis, former speaker of the Texas House Molly Ivins, who said that Pat Buchanan's 1992 speech at the Republican National Convention "probably sounded better in the original German," has for years reported on the career of Gib Lewis, former speaker of the Texas House. Given California's inability to choose a speaker, it seems worthwhile to revisit some of Lewis' more tangled expressions, which have become known as Gibberish. "I'm grateful and filled with humidity." "This problem is a two-headed sword. It could grow like a mushing room." "We'll run it up the flagpole and see if anyone salutes that booger." "We don't want to skim the cream off the crop here." "The budget can be cut by employee nutrition." "They're just beatin' their heads against a dead horse." "It's unparalyzed in the state's history." Lewis closed one session by thanking members for having "extinguished theirselfs," and once urged members to "disperse with their objections." From mcafee Fri Feb 24 08:38:20 1995 From: R Preston McAfee Subject: Comedians I owe the government $2900 in taxes. So I sent them half a dozen hammers and asked for a refund. My mother wants grandchildren, so I said, "Mom, go for it!" A lady came up to me on the street and pointed to my suede jacket. "You know a cow was murdered for that jacket?" she sneered. I replied in a psychotic tone, "I didn't know there were any witnesses. Now I'll have to kill you too." I don't kill flies, but I like to mess with their minds. I hold them above globes. They freak out and yell "Whooa, I'm way too high." Remember folks. Street lights timed for 35 mph are also timed for 70 mph. I come from a small town whose population never changed. Each time a woman got pregnant, someone left town. From mcafee Fri Feb 24 08:38:20 1995 From: R Preston McAfee Subject: Surly Santa Perhaps I like this story only because it takes place in my home town and concerns my alma mater, the University of Florida. The story was in today's Boston Globe. Jacksonville, Fla: A less-than-jolly Santa Claus at a mall told a 6-year-old boy he wouldn't get any presents if he was a University of Florida football fan. Santa also pointed his white-gloved finger at the boy's father and challenged him to a fight. Santa then walked off the job, leaving expectant children stunned. [No wonder there is a population explosion] Chip Crabtree said he and his wife took their their sons - ages 2, 4, and 6 - to The Avenues mall on Friday. When Santa saw the children's mother, Lori, wearing a University of Florida Gators sweatshirt, he said: "Santa doesn't like Gator fans ... Santa Claus wishes that Florida State would beat the Gators in the Sugar Bowl," according to Crabtree. When the children's mother told Santa he was being rude, he retorted: "Lady, if you don't like it, you can get them off my lap," Crabtree recounted. The family asked for their money back and began to leave. Crabtree, who was videotaping the visit from 10 feet away, told Santa he didn't like his remarks. That's when Santa jumped from his chair and allegedly thumped Crabtree's chest with his finger and taunted: "You want to do something about it right now, pal? Right here on the stage?" according to Crabtree. Crabtree said he didn't. When mall security jumped in, Santa told an elf: "Just tell them to go home. I'm out of here," Crabtree said. From mcafee Fri Feb 24 08:38:20 1995 From: R Preston McAfee Subject: News >From today's Boston Globe The really remarkable thing about this story is that it didn't happen in southern California: FREEPORT, Maine - Freeport police are puzzled by a series of break-ins in which burglars stole inexpensive items and left valuables behind. Among the items stolen were dried flowers, two packages of frozen corned beef, a ceramic Santa Claus, sheets and pillows. The burglars left behind cash, jewelry, computers and stereos. "I have never in all the years I've been a police officer experienced burglaries of this nature," said Sgt. Terry Carter, who is in charge of catching the "yard-sale burglars." From mcafee Fri Feb 24 08:38:20 1995 From: R Preston McAfee Subject: Hair care Anyone who thinks their hair is too uptight deserves their fate: WASHINGTON - The Food and Drug Administration warned consumers yesterday not to use "Rio" hair relaxer products because they may cause severe hair loss or turn hair green. The FDA has received nearly 100 reports since last month of reactions to "Rio Hair Naturalizer Systems," a product imported from Brazil and sold through television "infomercials" by World Rio Corp of Los Angeles. The FDA said "Rio" appears to be copper based, and a copper salt is likely to be the cause of the color change. But the product also appears to be highly acidic, which may be causing the hair loss. The FDA urged consumers who have experienced problems with Rio to notify their local FDA office, local health department or the company at 1-800-543-3002. From mcafee Fri Feb 24 08:38:20 1995 From: R Preston McAfee Subject: Steven Wright Steven Wright delivers jokes in a monotone deadpan voice. I find him funny, but it's definitely idiosyncratic humor. --- big picture --- A friend of mine once sent me a post card with a picture of the entire planet Earth taken from space. On the back it said, "Wish you were here." It's a small world, but I wouldn't want to have to paint it. Cross country skiing is great if you live in a small country. --- banks --- I saw a bank that said "24 Hour Banking", but I don't have that much time. --- museums --- I went to the museum where they had all the heads and arms from the statues that are in all the other museums. --- restaurants --- I went to a restaurant that serves "breakfast at any time". So I ordered French Toast during the Renaissance. --- stores --- There was a power outage at a department store yesterday. Twenty people were trapped on the escalators. I bought my brother some gift-wrap for Christmas. I took it to the Gift Wrap department and told them to wrap it, but in a different print so he would know when to stop unwrapping. --- appliances --- For my birthday I got a humidifier and a de-humidifier... I put them in the same room and let them fight it out. Ever notice how irons have a setting for *permanent* press? I don't get it. --- telephones --- Today I dialed a wrong number... The other person said, "Hello?" and I said, "Hello, could I speak to Joey?"... They said, "Uh... I don't think so... he's only 2 months old." I said, "I'll wait." --- apartments --- I installed a skylight in my apartment.... The people who live above me are furious! All of the people in my building are insane. The guy above me designs synthetic hairballs for ceramic cats. The lady across the hall tried to rob a department store... with a pricing gun... She said, "Give me all of the money in the vault, or I'm marking down everything in the store." While I was gone, somebody rearranged on the furniture in my bedroom. They put it in *exactly* the same place it was. When I told my roommate, he said: "Do I know you?" --- houses --- In my house there's this light switch that doesn't do anything. Every so often I would flick it on and off just to check. Yesterday, I got a call from a woman in Germany. She said, "Cut it out." Doing a little work around the house. I put fake brick wallpaper over a real brick wall, just so I'd be the only one who knew. People come over and I'm gonna say, "Go ahead, touch it... it feels real." I have a microwave fireplace in my house... The other night I laid down in front of the fire for the evening in two minutes. I bought a house, on a one-way dead-end road. I don't know how I got there. My house is made out of balsa wood, so when I want to scare the neighborhood kids I lift it over my head and tell them to get out of my yard or I'll throw it at them. --- cars and driving --- For a while I didn't have a car... I had a helicopter... no place to park it, so I just tied it to a lamp post and left it running... I hooked up my accelerator pedal in my car to my brake lights. I hit the gas, people behind me stop, and I'm gone. I replaced the headlights in my car with strobe lights, so it looks like I'm the only one moving. My neighbor has a circular driveway... he can't get out. I used to work in a fire hydrant factory. You couldn't park anywhere near the place. I have an answering machine in my car. It says, "I'm home now. But leave a message and I'll call when I'm out." One time a cop pulled me over for running a stop sign. He said, "Didn't you see the stop sign?" I said, "Yeah, but I don't believe everything I read." I got my driver's license photo taken out of focus on purpose. Now when I get pulled over the cop looks at it (moving it nearer and farther, trying to see it clearly)... and says, "Here, you can go." When I get real bored, I like to drive downtown and get a great parking spot, then sit in my car and count how many people ask me if I'm leaving. Yesterday I parked my car in a tow-away zone... when I came back the entire area was missing. --- sleeping --- I hate it when my foot falls asleep during the day because that means it's going to be up all night. When I woke up this morning my girlfriend asked me, "Did you sleep good?" I said, "No, I made a few mistakes." I was trying to daydream, but my mind kept wandering. My girlfriend does her nails with white-out. When she's asleep, I go over there and write misspelled words on them. --- fishing --- Last year I went fishing with Salvador Dali. He was using a dotted line. He caught every other fish. There's a fine line between fishing and standing on the shore looking like an idiot. --- dogs --- I bought a dog the other day... I named him Stay. It's fun to call him... "Come here, Stay! Come here, Stay!" He went insane. Now he just ignores me. I put contact lenses in my dog's eyes. They had little pictures of cats on them. Then I took one out and he ran around in circles. I spilled spot remover on my dog. He's gone now. --- childhood --- I was born by Caesarian section... but not so you'd notice. It's just that when I leave a house, I go out through the window. When I was little, my grandfather used to make me stand in a closet for five minutes without moving. He said it was elevator practice. I didn't get a toy train like the other kids. I got a toy subway instead. You couldn't see anything, but every now and then you'd hear this rumbling noise go by. When I was a little kid we had a sand box. It was a quicksand box. I was an only child... eventually. My school colors were clear. We used to say, "I'm not naked, I'm in the band." When I have a kid, I want to buy one of those strollers for twins. Then put the kid in and run around, looking frantic. When he gets older, I'd tell him he used to have a brother, but he didn't obey. Babies don't need a vacation, but I still see them at the beach... it pisses me off! I'll go over to a little baby and say, "What are you doing here? You haven't worked a day in your life!" My friend has a baby. I'm recording all the noises he makes so later I can ask him what he meant. --- not-all-there --- You know how it is when you're reading a book and falling asleep, you're reading, reading... and all of a sudden you notice your eyes are closed? I'm like that all the time. Right now I'm having amnesia and deja vu at the same time. I think I've forgotten this before. --- books --- What's another word for Thesaurus? Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song? My grandfather invented Cliff's Notes. It all started back in 1912... Well, to make a long story short ... I'm writing a book. I've got the page numbers done. I wrote a few children's books... not on purpose. --- miscellaneous one-liners --- After they make styrofoam, what do they ship it in? Everywhere is walking distance if you have the time. I like to skate on the other side of the ice. I lost a button hole today. I made wine out of raisins so I wouldn't have to wait for it to age. I saw a subliminal advertising executive, but only for a second. If you were going to shoot a mime, would you use a silencer? You can't have everything. Where would you put it? --- miscellaneous --- I like to fill my tub up with water, then turn the shower on and act like I'm in a submarine that's been hit. It doesn't matter what temperature the room is, it's always room temperature. I have the world's largest collection of seashells. I keep it on all the beaches of the world... perhaps you've seen it. I filled out an application that said, "In Case Of Emergency Notify". I wrote "Doctor"... What's my mother going to do? I stayed up all night playing poker with tarot cards. I got a full house and four people died. My girlfriend asked me how long I was going to be gone on this tour. I said, "the whole time." It's a good thing we have gravity, or else when birds died they'd just stay right up there. Hunters would be all confused. I wrote a song, but I can't read music so I don't know what it is. Every once in a while I'll be listening to the radio and I say, "I think I might have written that." When I was crossing the border into Canada, they asked if I had any firearms with me. I said, "Well, what do you need?" I saw a sign at a gas station. It said "help wanted". There was another sign below it that said "self service". So I hired myself. Then I made myself the boss. I gave myself a raise. I paid myself. Then I quit. Every so often, I like to go to the window, look up, and smile for a satellite picture. In Vegas, I got into a long argument with the man at the roulette wheel over what I considered to be an odd number. I have a map of the United States... actual size. It says, "Scale: 1 mile = 1 mile." I spent last summer folding it. I also have a full-size map of the world. I hardly ever unroll it. Do you think that when they asked George Washington for ID that he just whipped out a quarter? I want to get a tatoo of myself on my entire body, only 2" taller. I owed my friend George $25. For about three weeks I owed it to him. The whole time I had the money on me -- he didn't know it. Walking through New York City, 2:30 in the morning and got held up. He said, "Gimme all your money." I said, "Wait a minute." I said, "George, here's the 25 dollars I owe you." The the thief took a thousand dollars out of his own money and he gave it to George. At gunpoint made me borrow a thousand dollars from George. ENGLISH: I had some eyeglasses. I was walking down the street when suddenly the prescription ran out. I got food poisoning today. I don't know when I'll use it. WRONG METHODS / REASONS / MECHANISMS: Sponges grow in the ocean. That just kills me. I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be if that didn't happen. SELF: I can't stop thinking like this. NAAAHH: I put hardwood floors on top of wall-to-wall carpet. Tinsel is really snakes' mirrors. TRIVIALIZATION: Two babies were born on the same day at the same hospital. They lay there and looked at each other. Their families came and took them away. Eighty years later, by a bizarre coincidence, they lay in the same hospital, on their deathbeds, next to each other. One of them looked at the other and said, "So. What did you think?" *****These are "fake" Steve Wright sayings, by Rod Schmidt***** I planted some bird seed. A bird came up. Now I don't know what to feed it. My aunt gave me a walkie-talkie for my birthday. She says if I'm good, she'll give me the other one next year. I had amnesia once or twice. I bought a million lottery tickets. I won a dollar. I got a chain letter by fax. It's very simple. You just fax a dollar bill to everybody on the list. The sun never sets on the British Empire. But it rises every morning. The sky must get awfully crowded. I wear my heart on my sleeve. I wear my liver on my pant leg. I took a course in speed waiting. Now I can wait an hour in only ten minutes. I got a garage door opener. It can't close. Just open. I xeroxed a mirror. Now I have an extra xerox machine. I went to a garage sale. "How much for the garage?" "It's not for sale." Last week I forgot how to ride a bicycle. What are imitation rhinestones? If a word in the dictionary were misspelled, how would we know? A metaphor is like a simile. Why doesn't the fattest man in the world become a hockey goalie? I was arrested for selling illegal-sized paper. It takes money to make money because you have to copy the design exactly. At the all-you-can-eat barbecue, you have to pay the regular dinner price if you eat less than you can. As of 1992, they'll be called European Economic Community fries. Every day, the hummingbird eats its own weight in food. You may wonder how it weighs the food. It doesn't. It just eats another hummingbird. From mcafee Fri Feb 24 08:38:20 1995 From: R Preston McAfee Subject: Christmas Presents A kid is sitting on Santa's lap at the mall, while the kid's mother takes photos. Santa: What would you like for christmas? Kid: I want a goddamned Nintendo. Santa: Now, that isn't a nice way to ask for a present. Let's try again. What would you like for christmas? Kid: I want a fucking bicycle. Santa: Son, if you talk that way, you aren't going to get any presents. You have to ask nicely for presents. Let's try one more time. What would you like for christmas? Kid: I'd like a motorbike, please, you asshole. Santa then goes to the child's mother and says the child has a problem with profanity. Mom agrees, says "He's eight years old and I just can't control him." Santa suggests she teach the child a lesson, and give him dogshit for christmas. Mom thinks about this. On christmas morning, the kid comes out. Under the tree, where he hoped the Nintendo would be, is a big pile of dogshit. He runs out to the front porch, looking for the bicycle, and again, there's a pile of dogshit. He races to the garage, to see if the motor bike is there, and finds another pile of dogshit. He runs into the backyard, where he sees the kid from next door. Kid next door: What'd you get for christmas? Profane Kid: I think I got a dog, but I can't find it. From mcafee Fri Feb 24 08:38:20 1995 From: R Preston McAfee Subject: From the Columbia Journalism Review: "Morality Rates Lower Than Normal at Mobil" Gloucester County Times 6/10/85 "President Determined to Have Cancer" Kentucky Register 7/16/85 "Parents Ride School Buses After Death" Providence Journal 5/22/85 "Garden Grove Resident Naive, Foolish Judge Says" Orange County Register 7/2/85 "Large Church Plans Collapse" Hamilton Spectator 6/8/85 "City, County, Union Pacific Meet on Radioactive Soils" Las Vegas Sun 7/6/85 "Fashions Shown to Fight Cancer" Century City News 6/5/85 "Nation's Economy A Mystery, Spaghetti Costlier" Winchester News-Gazette 6/21/85 "Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert Says" Winnipeg Free Press 9/20/85 "Church Retains Homosexual Bar" New York Times 9/14/85 "Split Rears in Farmer Movement" Denver Post 1/11/83 "School Chief Hears Offer in Men's Room" Anchorage Times 11/25/81 From mcafee Fri Feb 24 08:38:20 1995 From: R Preston McAfee Subject: Getting what you ask for ... A guy walks into a bar and orders a beer. There is a tiny man in one corner of the room playing the piano flawlessly. The next time the bartender comes round, the customer comments, "That little man plays the piano really well. Where did you find him?" "I've got this magic lamp," the bartender replies. "You just rub it and make a wish." "Can I try it?" the customer asks. "Sure," the bartender says, and places the lamp on the bar. The customer rubs it for a while, then a duck appears on his head, then one in his lap, one on the stool next to him, one on the bar... Pretty soon the room is full of ducks. "Ducks!" exclaims the customer. "I asked for a million bucks." "What did you think," says the bartender "I asked for a 12 inch pianist?" From mcafee Fri Feb 24 08:38:20 1995 From: R Preston McAfee Subject: News Stories of 1994 These stories were printed last week in the Washington Post, in article about what happened in 1994. FORT WAYNE, Ind - Police answering a complaint of bullets hitting a house discovered that the complainant had hidden his loaded pistol in the stove, forgotten it and then turned on the oven. NEWARK - A lawyer sued a restaurant for damages he claimed he suffered when served a double espresso instead of decaffeinated coffee. SEATTLE - A pregnant woman was convicted of illegally driving in the carpool lane, despite her argument that her unborn child amounted to a second passenger. SAMSULA, Fla - Some 10,000 bikers gathered at Sopotnick's Cabbage Patch to watch topless women wrestle each other in a giant vat of cole slaw. LONDON - British plumbers were issued a new guide to anti-sexist terminology and told that ballcocks and stopcocks must henceforth be known as "float-operated valves." JACKSONVILLE, Fla - A nine-foot male alligator wandered onto a highway near Jacksonville, snapped at passing cars and bit a 10-inch chunk out of a police cruiser. HILLSIDE, NJ - Humane Society officials summoned a New Jersey man to court for killing a rat. BOCA RATON, Fla - A man was dining at a local restaurant when a monkey jumped out of a woman's purse nearby and bit him on the ear. BONN - A German computer engineer devised an electronic confessional for software-minded Catholics. The program is called "Online with Jesus." NICOSIA, Cyprus - A Greek pizza deliveryman who strayed across the U.N. patrolled buffer zone in divided Cyprus was jailed on the Turkish Cypriot side of the island while trying to deliver a pizza to the U.N. post. WASHINGTON - The U.S. Tax Court ruled that exotic dancer Cynthia "Chesty Love" Hess of Fort Wayne, Ind., could depreciate as a business expense the surgical implants that enlarged her bust size to 56FF. Judge Joan Seitz Pate ruled that the implants increased Hess's income and that the breasts are so large and cumbersome - they weigh about 10 pounds each - that she could derive no personal benefit from them. NEW YORK - An X-rated hardcore video called "John Wayne Bobitt Uncut," featuring the world's best-known penile amputee utilizing his surgically reattached appendage, had the biggest opening month in the history of adult videos, grossing more than $3 million. BEIJING - A Chinese houswife keen to improve her love life snipped off her husband's penis with scissors in the superstitious belief that he would grow a new and better one. BIRMINGHAM - A nude man tried to approach Gov. Jim Folsom and his wife, Marsha, at a political appearance, saying he was a father dissatisfied with public education. LONDON - A survey of 1,010 British women found more than half preferred eating out in a restaurant to making love. BONN - A German woman whose boyfriend kept pestering her for sex beat him unconscious with a chair, cut off his penis with a bread knife and set the house on fire. [No means No!] CINCINNATI - A woman who faints when she hears sex-related words passed out repeatedly in court while trying to describe how she was sexually assaulted by a man who knew of her disability. The woman claimed her assailant uttered the word "sex" and then molested her while she was unconscious in the lobby of her apartment building. BAD REICHENHALL, Germany - An undertaker drove a hearse 560 miles to a funeral before realizing that he had forgotten the body. EASTON Pa. - The Crayola Co. unveiled a new line of scented crayons in which green crayons smell like limes, peach smells like peaches and pink crayons like bubble gum. ST. JOSEPH, Mo. - When the coffee didn't taste right, workers at Wire Rope of America set up a hidden camera to find out why. What they found was a co-worker using the coffee pot as a urinal. NEW YORK - New York's Metropolitan Transit Authority declared it legal for women to ride the subway topless. SAN JOSE - Santa Clara County dissolved its Self-Esteem Task Force because its members didn't show up. From mcafee Fri Feb 24 08:38:20 1995 From: R Preston McAfee Subject: Bureaucrazy Wall Street Journal, Tuesday, October 18, 1994: Just Go to the Bookstore and Buy One Recently, the California State University system placed a purchase order (PO) for a book published by a small New Canaan, Conn., company. The Information Economics Press. The following is a copy of the letter the press sent back to the California procurement officer. It illustrates some of the joys of doing business with government organizations. Mr. M.J. Whitson California State University Los Alamitos, CA 90720 Attn: Charleen Wood, Procurement and Support Services Officer We have your eight page PO# 940809 for one copy of our book ``The Politics of Information Management.'' We are unable to fill your $49 order for the following reasons: - In the Purchase Order Terms and Conditions you wish us to waive any infringement of our copyrighted materials by officers, agents and employees of the California State University. We cannot agree to make available a valuable Copyright for the price of a book. - You will withhold all payments or make a 38% withholding in order to file a year-end 1099 form. We are unable to handle the paperwork of a separate 1099 for every book we sell. That would be double our paperwork. - You are requiring us to fill a Vendor Data Record (form 204) which is largely identical with your Vendor Information Sheet form. Filling both forms takes excessive amounts of time. - We are a small business, and therefore you require that we submit a copy of the OSMB Small Business Certification. We do not have an OSMB Certification and do not know where to get one. - Your attachment to form 204 specifies that I obtain a determination with regard to my being classified either as a resident or non- resident subject to California tax withholdings, to be reclaimed by filing at year-end California tax returns. We do not plan to make any tax filings in California. - Your contract rider contains a Privacy Statement on unspecified disclosures that makes us liable for penalties of up to $20,000. - As a condition for our filling out the order you are asking us to post statements notifying all employees of compliance with Code Section 8355 and certifying as to our adopting a four point Drug-Free Awareness program that complies with California law. Deviations are punishable as perjury under the laws of the State of California. Please note that our firm has only two employees, who do not take even an aspirin. - Your Minority/Women Business Enterprise Self Certification Form 962 requires detailed statistics on ethnic characteristics of our firm, defining each ethnic group according to their stated geographic origins. To assist in making such distinctions you provide a check-list of ethnic identity of the owners of this firm, leaving us by default with only one open choice, Caucasian, which you do not define. My husband and I do not know of any ancestors who may have ever been in the proximity of the Caucasian mountains, and therefore we are unable to comply with your requirement to identify our ethnic origin according to your geographic rules. We therefore suggest that you purchase our book at a bookstore. Mona Frankel Publisher Reprinted with permission of the Wall Street Journal copyright 1994. Dow Jones & Company, Inc. All Rights Reserved. From mcafee Fri Feb 24 08:38:20 1995 From: R Preston McAfee Subject: Bubbae How to Tell if You're a Bubba Score 1 for each of the following that applies to you. 1. You know the lady working in the drive-through window of Jack in the Box on a first name basis. 2. You pick up the newspaper from your driveway wearing only underwear. 3. Your favorite food comes on a stick. 4. You know how to whittle. 5. You have kin in Louisiana. 6. The men in your family have two first names (e.g. Jim Bob, Earl Bob, Billy Bob, Robert Bob, and Percival Bob). 7. You frequently use the expression "Them thar." 8. You wear Payless shoes. 9. Your dinner blessing is "Rub a dub dub, thanks for the grub." 10. The back pocket of your jeans show an indentation from the Copenhagen can. 11. You have the 1995 Miss Snap-On Tools calendar in your living room. 12. Your only tie features dogs playing cards. 13. You have major appliances in your yard. 14. When you go swimming, you repeatedly cannonball other bathers. 15. Most of your shirts feature your name in an oval over the shirt pocket (e.g. Percival Bob). 16. Your belt buckle weighs four pounds or more. 17. Since it comes from St. Louis, you consider Budweiser an import. 18. You've gone to the store without bothering to put your teeth in first. 19. You have relatives that make license plates and live rent free. 20. You've eaten opossum. Score 1 for each item that applies to you. Add up your score. If you needed to use toes as well as fingers to add up your score, give yourself an extra point. Scoring: 0-4: You're a New York kind of wuss. You voted for Cuomo. 5-9: You are from Oklahoma. 10-14: You moved to Texas from West Virginia and are making progress. 15-19: You live in a double-wide. You are a Bubba. 20: You thought George Wallace was a pinko commie. You don't have a social security number. 21: The shot-gun rack in your pick'em'up is made from pearl-coated antlers encrusted with rhinestones. You are angry at the NRA for being soft on bazookas. Your wife planted bluebonnets in the washing machine on the front porch. You could start a recycling plant with your collection of Lonestar cans. You are justifiably proud that Pa actually named you Bubba. You are now asking your fifth oldest son (Percival Bob), the one that likes school, what justifiably means. From mcafee Mon Feb 27 13:09:40 1995 Received: by eco.utexas.edu (4.1/1.34/ECO 1.1) id AA18901; Mon, 27 Feb 95 13:09:40 CST Date: Mon, 27 Feb 95 13:09:40 CST From: mcafee (R Preston McAfee) Message-Id: <9502271909.AA18901@eco.utexas.edu> To: joke-archive Subject: Economics of Golf A preacher, a psychologist, and an economist went golfing as a threesome one afternoon. After a few holes, they were stuck behind two golfers that were going extremely slow, hitting balls in the trees, the water, and just about everywhere else. Finally, after a few holes of this the threesome started to get upset and started making derogatory comments which could be heard by the twosome in front of them. Eventually, the caddy for the twosome went back and explained that the pair in front of them were two retired firefighters who had gone blind from racing into a burning building to save some children, and that the threesome should have some sympathy and compassion. Of course after hearing this, the threesome felt terrible about what they had been saying. The preacher said, "this is terrible, here I am a man of the cloth, and I've been ridiculing these poor men." Then the psychologist said, "this is terrible, here I have spent my whole life trying to make people feel better about themselves, and now I have been making demeaning comments to these poor blind men." Finally, the economist said, "this is terrible, these guys should be playing at night." From mcafee Fri Mar 3 22:55:53 1995 Received: by eco.utexas.edu (4.1/1.34/ECO 1.1) id AA15591; Fri, 3 Mar 95 22:55:53 CST Date: Fri, 3 Mar 95 22:55:53 CST From: mcafee (R Preston McAfee) Message-Id: <9503040455.AA15591@eco.utexas.edu> To: joke-archive@eco.utexas.edu Subject: Only in California "In retrospect, lighting the match was my mistake. But I was only trying to retrieve my son's rat." Dick Stone told doctors in the severe burns unit of San Francisco City Hospital. Admitted for emergency treatment after an attempt to retrieve the rat had gone seriously wrong, "My son left the cage door open so his rat, Vermin, escaped into the garage," He explained. "As usual, it looked for a good place to hide and ran up the exhaust pipe of my motorcycle. I tried to retrieve Vermin by offering him food attached to a string, but he wouldn't come out again, so I peered into the pipe and struck a match, thinking the light might attract him." At a hushed press conference, a hospital spokesman described what had happened next. "The flame ignited a pocket of residual gas and a flame shot out the pipe igniting Mr. Stone's mustache and severely burned his face. It also set fire to the pet rat's fur and whiskers which, in turn, ignited a larger pocket of gas further up the exhaust pipe which propelled the rodent out like a cannonball." Stone suffered second degree burns and a broken nose from the impact of the pet rat. His son was grounded for 6 weeks. Thanks to Steve Turnbull. From mcafee Fri Mar 3 23:29:32 1995 Received: by eco.utexas.edu (4.1/1.34/ECO 1.1) id AA16385; Fri, 3 Mar 95 23:29:32 CST Date: Fri, 3 Mar 1995 23:29:31 -0600 (CST) From: R Preston McAfee Subject: AER To: joke-archive@eco.utexas.edu Message-Id: Mime-Version: 1.0 Content-Type: TEXT/PLAIN; charset=US-ASCII ---------- Forwarded message ---------- Date: Fri, 20 Jan 95 13:46:35 CST From: R Preston McAfee To: R Preston McAfee Subject: AER The AER involves both the good, the bad, and the weird. These are from an author's letter: "The implications of my paper can be estimated, I believe, to be beyond descriptions." "I wish you feel free to contact me for all reasons that you can imagine." These remind me of the time I asked a German, who had just attended a Wagner opera in NYC, how he liked the opera. He groped around for the english expression for a while, and then said "It was Wagner as you feared it could be." Preston From mcafee Fri Mar 3 23:32:30 1995 Received: by eco.utexas.edu (4.1/1.34/ECO 1.1) id AA16485; Fri, 3 Mar 95 23:32:30 CST Date: Fri, 3 Mar 1995 23:32:29 -0600 (CST) From: R Preston McAfee Subject: Not exactly PC To: joke-archive@mundo.eco.utexas.edu Message-Id: Mime-Version: 1.0 Content-Type: TEXT/PLAIN; charset=US-ASCII ---------- Forwarded message ---------- Date: Sun, 5 Feb 95 13:50:44 CST From: R Preston McAfee To: R Preston McAfee Subject: Not exactly PC Rush Limbaugh and Hillary Clinton are alone on an elevator. Hillary grabs the STOP button and pulls it out, stranding the pair between floors. She strips off her clothes, throws them to the floor and says "Rush, make me feel like a _woman_!" Rush strips off HIS clothes, throws them to the floor, and says "Fold those." From mcafee Fri Mar 3 23:32:55 1995 Received: by eco.utexas.edu (4.1/1.34/ECO 1.1) id AA16498; Fri, 3 Mar 95 23:32:55 CST Date: Fri, 3 Mar 1995 23:32:54 -0600 (CST) From: R Preston McAfee Subject: Rednecks To: joke-archive@mundo.eco.utexas.edu Message-Id: Mime-Version: 1.0 Content-Type: TEXT/PLAIN; charset=US-ASCII ---------- Forwarded message ---------- Date: Sun, 5 Feb 95 22:46:40 CST From: R Preston McAfee To: R Preston McAfee Subject: Rednecks How to tell if you're a redneck: 1. You've taken a beer to a job interview 2. You consider your license plate personalize because your father made it. 3. Your wife has said "Come move this transmission so I can take a bath." 4. Seeing the sign "Say No To Crack" makes you pull your Levi's up. 5. When asked for ID, you show your belt buckle. 6. You go to the family reunion to meet women. 7. You own a home that is mobile and cars that aren't. 8. You refer to 5th grade as your senior year. 9. You've been blacklisted from a bowling alley. 10. The Home Shopping Club operator recognizes your voice. 11. Your family tree has no forks. 12. You've financed a tattoo. From mcafee Fri Mar 3 23:33:29 1995 Received: by eco.utexas.edu (4.1/1.34/ECO 1.1) id AA16509; Fri, 3 Mar 95 23:33:29 CST Date: Fri, 3 Mar 1995 23:33:29 -0600 (CST) From: R Preston McAfee Subject: Beer - It's not just for breakfast anymore To: joke-archive@mundo.eco.utexas.edu Message-Id: Mime-Version: 1.0 Content-Type: TEXT/PLAIN; charset=US-ASCII ---------- Forwarded message ---------- Date: Mon, 6 Feb 95 10:40:14 CST From: R Preston McAfee To: R Preston McAfee Subject: Beer - It's not just for breakfast anymore. Top Ten Reasons Why Beer Is Better than Jesus 10. No one wil kill you for not drinking Beer. 9. Beer doesn't tell you how to have sex. 8. Beer has never caused a major war. 7. They don't force Beer on minors who can't think for themselves. 6. When you have a Beer, you don't knock on people's doors trying to give it away. 5. Nobody's ever been burned at the stake, hanged, or tortured over his brand of Beer. 4. You don't have to wait 2000+ years for a second Beer. 3. There are laws saying Beer labels can't lie to you. 2. You can prove you have a Beer. 1. If you've devoted your life to Beer, there are groups to help you stop. Thanks to Judith for this inspirational message. From mcafee Fri Mar 3 23:33:57 1995 Received: by eco.utexas.edu (4.1/1.34/ECO 1.1) id AA16518; Fri, 3 Mar 95 23:33:57 CST Date: Fri, 3 Mar 1995 23:33:56 -0600 (CST) From: R Preston McAfee Subject: For what it's worth To: joke-archive@mundo.eco.utexas.edu Message-Id: Mime-Version: 1.0 Content-Type: TEXT/PLAIN; charset=US-ASCII ---------- Forwarded message ---------- Date: Fri, 10 Feb 95 23:41:55 CST From: R Preston McAfee To: R Preston McAfee Subject: For what it's worth This is allegedly a letter received by an insurance company. -------------------------------------------------------------------------- Dear Sir; This letter is in response to your recent letter requesting a more detailed explanation concerning my recent internment in Guadelupe Valley General Hospital. Specifically, you asked for an expansion in reference to Block 21(a)(3) of the claim form (reason for hospital visit). On the original form, I put "Stupidity." I realize now that this answer was somewhat vague and so I will attempt to more fully explain the circumstances leading up to my hospitalization. I had needed to use the restroom and had just finished a quick bite to eat at the local burger joint. I entered the bathroom, took care of my business, and just prior to the moment in which I had planned to raise my trousers, the locked case that prevents theft of the toilet paper in such places came undone and feel striking my knee. Unthinkingly I immediately, and with unneccesary force, returned the lid back to it's normal position. Unfortunately, as I did this I also turned and certain parts of my body which were still exposed where trapped between the devices lid and it's main body. Feeling such intense and immediate pain caused me to jump back. It quickly came to my attention that when one's privates are firmly attached to an unmoveable object, it is not a good idea to jump in the opposite direction. Upon recovering some of my senses, I attempted to re-open the lid, however, my slamming of it had been sufficent to allow the locking mechanism to engage. I then proceeded to get a hold on my pants and subsequently removed my keys from them. I intended to try to force the lock of the device open with one of my keys, thus extricating myself. Unfortunately, when I attempted this, my key broke in the lock. Embarassment of someone seeing me in this unique position became a minor concern, and I began to call for help in as much of a calm and rational manner as I could. An employee from the restaurant quickly arrived and decided that this was a problem requiring the attention of the store manager. Betty, the manager, came quickly. She attempted to unlock the device with her keys. Since I had broken my key off in the device, she could not get her key in. Seeing no other solution, she called the EMS (as indicated on your form in block 21(b)(1) ). After approximately 15 minutes, the EMS arrived, along with two police officers, a fire-rescue squad, and the channel 4 "On-the-Spot" news team. The guys from the fire department quickly took charge as this was obviously a rescue operation. The senior member of the team discovered that the device was attached with bolts to the cement wall that could only be reached once the device was unlocked. (His discovery was by means of tearing apart the device located in the stall next to the one that I was in, since the value of the property destroyed in his examination was less than fifty dollars/my deductable I did not include it in my claim.) His partner, who seemed like an intelligent fellow at the time, came up with the idea of cutting the device from the wall with the propane torch that was in the fire-rescue truck. The fireman went to his truck, retrieved the torch, and commenced to attempt to cut the device from the wall. Had I been in a state to think of such things, I might have realized that in cutting the device from the wall several things would also inevitably happen. (1) The air inside of the device would quickly heat up, causing items inside the device to suffer the same effects that are normally achieved by placing things in an oven. (2) The metal in the device is a good conductor of heat causing items that are in contact with the device to react as if thrown into a hot skillet. (3) Molten metal would shower the inside if the device as the torch cut through. The one bright note of the propane torch was that it did manage to cut, in the brief time that I allowed them to use it, a hole big enough for a small pry bar to be placed inside of the device. The EMS team then loaded me, along with the device, into the waiting ambulance, enroute to my destination as stated on your form. Due the small area of your block 21(a)(3), I was unable to give a full explanation of these events, and thus used the word wich I thought best described my actions that led to my hospitalization. Sincerely, From mcafee Fri Mar 3 23:34:23 1995 Received: by eco.utexas.edu (4.1/1.34/ECO 1.1) id AA16531; Fri, 3 Mar 95 23:34:23 CST Date: Fri, 3 Mar 1995 23:34:23 -0600 (CST) From: R Preston McAfee Subject: The Sort of News Dave Barry Writes About To: joke-archive@mundo.eco.utexas.edu Message-Id: Mime-Version: 1.0 Content-Type: TEXT/PLAIN; charset=US-ASCII ---------- Forwarded message ---------- Date: Sat, 11 Feb 95 18:56:13 CST From: R Preston McAfee To: R Preston McAfee Subject: The Sort of News Dave Barry Writes About This comes to you from: Support and Discussion of Weight Loss _________________________________ STOCKHOLM, Sweden (AP) -- Alert customs officers noticed "something weird" about a woman's bosom. On further investigation, they found 65 baby snakes in her bra. The national news agency TT reported Thursday that the 42-year-old woman, who was not identified, told the officers that she intended to start a reptile farm. The reptiles were found after a body search. In addition to the baby grass snakes, six lizards were crawling around under her blouse, TT reported. The woman, who was arrested on arrival in southern Sweden, was being prosecuted for smuggling at the regional court in Malmo, TT said. The fate of the reptiles was not disclosed. ____________________________________ From mcafee Fri Mar 3 23:35:01 1995 Received: by eco.utexas.edu (4.1/1.34/ECO 1.1) id AA16540; Fri, 3 Mar 95 23:35:01 CST Date: Fri, 3 Mar 1995 23:35:01 -0600 (CST) From: R Preston McAfee Subject: Swedish Animals To: joke-archive@mundo.eco.utexas.edu Message-Id: Mime-Version: 1.0 Content-Type: TEXT/PLAIN; charset=US-ASCII ---------- Forwarded message ---------- Date: Sun, 12 Feb 95 22:40:52 CST From: R Preston McAfee To: R Preston McAfee Subject: Swedish Animals When we last checked in on those lovable Swedes [yesterday], a woman had snakes in her undergarments. According to today's New York Times, p. 10: Stockholm, Feb 11 (Reuters) - Sweden has confirmed an embarrassing fact: that its defense forces have been hunting minks, not Russian submarines. "It's a sad fact that what was originally stated to be intrusions into our waters have proved to be minks," Prime Minister Ingvar Carlsson said Friday. The story goes on to note that Sweden doesn't intend to apologize to the Russians, and that Swedish ships dropping depth charges into Baltic waters were a common sight in the 1980s, effectively killing minks or otters. ___________________ In other news, the Boston Globe reported that the software program EasyFlow comes with the following disclaimer: If EasyFlow doesn't work, tough. If you lose millions because it messes up, it's you that's out millions, not us. If you don't like this disclaimer, tough. We reserve the right to do the absolute minimum provided by law, up to and including nothing. This is basically the same disclaimer that comes with all software, but ours is in plain English and theirs is in legalese. We really didn't want to include any disclaimer at all, but our lawyers insisted. From mcafee Fri Mar 3 23:36:11 1995 Received: by eco.utexas.edu (4.1/1.34/ECO 1.1) id AA16551; Fri, 3 Mar 95 23:36:11 CST Date: Fri, 3 Mar 1995 23:36:10 -0600 (CST) From: R Preston McAfee Subject: Nobel Prize To: joke-archive@mundo.eco.utexas.edu Message-Id: Mime-Version: 1.0 Content-Type: TEXT/PLAIN; charset=US-ASCII Top Ten Disadvantages of Winning a Nobel Prize in Economics 10. According to course evaluations, dangling medallion makes you look like Elvis. 9. Distant relatives keep telephoning for free advice about rational expectations. 8. Colleagues borrow medal to get 20% discount at participating Red Lobster. 7. Dr. Jocelyn Elders wants you to coauthor her new book, *Sensitivity Analysis in the Privacy of your Own Home.* 6. Run-ins with Pulitzer Prize winners often turn ugly. 5. In front of your PhD students, waiter points out that you have mistallied the dinner check. 4. Leaving the Faculty Club, spouse is irritated by *paprazzi* and scantily clad groupies. 3. Getting kissed by King Olav *after* the herring appetizer. 2. Teenage prank callers say "Bayesian backpropagation," then giggle and hang up. 1. Never saw a nickel from Mattel's Nobel Prize Action Figures. From mcafee Fri Mar 3 23:36:42 1995 Received: by eco.utexas.edu (4.1/1.34/ECO 1.1) id AA16563; Fri, 3 Mar 95 23:36:42 CST Date: Fri, 3 Mar 1995 23:36:42 -0600 (CST) From: R Preston McAfee Subject: Bubba's Tunes To: joke-archive@mundo.eco.utexas.edu Message-Id: Mime-Version: 1.0 Content-Type: TEXT/PLAIN; charset=US-ASCII ---------- Forwarded message ---------- Date: Tue, 14 Feb 95 10:44:23 CST From: R Preston McAfee To: R Preston McAfee Subject: Bubba's Tunes A Lubbock radio station (AM of course; they only have AM in Lubbock) is fond of saying it plays both kinds of music - Country and Western. The following titles are supposed to represent actual songs. At least some of them are: e.g. "You Done Stomped on My Heart, and Squashed that Sucker Flat" is in fact a real song, and features the refrain "You just sorta stomped my aorta" As for most of the others, I can't verify them. Bridge Washed Out, I Can't Swim and My Baby's on the Other Side C'mon Down off the Stove, Granny, You're Too Old to Ride the Range Do You Love As Good As You Look Does My Ring Hurt Your Finger (When You Go Out at Night) Does Your Chewing Gum Lose Its Flavor On The Bedpost Overnight? Don't Come Home a-Drinkin' With Lovin' On Your Mind Don't Let That Doorknob Hit You (on the Way Out) Drop Kick Me, Jesus, Through The Goalposts Of Life Emotional Breakdown Get Your Biscuits In The Oven And Your Buns In The Bed Get Your Tongue Outta My Mouth 'Cause I'm Kissing You Goodbye Guess My Eyes Were Bigger Than My Heart Heaven's Just A Sin Away Hell Stays Open All Night Her Body Couldn't Keep You Off My Mind Her Cheatin' Heart Made A Drunken Fool Out Of Me Her Teeth Was Stained, But Her Heart Was Pure Here's A Quarter, Call Someone Who Cares How Can A Whiskey That's 6 Years Old Whup A Man That's 33? How Can I Miss You If You Won't Go Away? How Can You Believe Me When I Say I Love You ... ... When You Know I've Been A Liar All My Life? How Can a Whiskey Six Years Old Whip a Man That's 32? How Long Does It Take a Memory To Drown I Been Roped And Thrown By Jesus In The Holy Ghost Corral I Can't Get Over You, So Why Don't You Get Under Me? I Changed Her Oil, She Changed My Life I Don't Know What Came Over Me (When I Came All Over You) I Don't Know Whether To Come Home Or Go Crazy I Don't Know Whether To Kill Myself Or Go Bowling I Don't Want Your Body If Your Heart's Not In It I Fell In A Pile Of You And Got Love All Over Me I Flushed You From The Toilets Of My Heart I Forgot How Bad My Good Woman Could Be I Got In At 2 With A 10 And Woke Up At 10 With A 2 I Hate Every Bone In Your Body Except Mine I Just Bought A Car From The Guy That Stole My Girl, ... ... But The Car Don't Run, So I Figure We Got An Even Deal I Keep Forgettin' I Forgot About You I Kissed Her on the Lips, And Left Her Behind for You I Knew I'd Hit Rock Bottom When I Woke Up On Top Of Yew I Knew I'd Lean (But I Never Thought I'd Fall) I Liked You Better Before I Knew You So Well I Married a Moonshiner's Daughter and Now She Makes Me Likker I Married a Moonshiner's Daughter and Oh, How I Love Her Still I May Be Used (But Baby I Ain't Used Up) I Meant Every Word That He Said I Still Miss You, Baby, But My Aim's Gettin' Better I Think I'll Drink Myself Into the Past I Wanna Whip Your Cow I Wish I Were In Dixie Tonight, But She's Out Of Town I Would Have Wrote You A Letter, But I Couldn't Spell Yuck! I Wouldn't Take Her To A Dawg Fight, Cause I'm Afraid She'd Win I Wouldn't Take You To A Dog Fight Even If I Thought You Could Win I'd Be Better Off in a Pine Box I'd Rather Have A Bottle In Front Of Me Than A Frontal Lobotomy I'll Get Over You As Soon As You Get Out From Under Him I'll Marry You Tomorrow But Let's Honeymoon Tonite I'm Gettin' Gray From Being Blue I'm Gonna Build Me a Bar in the Back of My Car and Drive Myself to Drink I'm Gonna Hire A Wino To Decorate Our Home I'm Havin' Daydreams About Night Things In The Middle Of The Afternoon I'm Just A Bug On The Windshield Of Life I'm Not Married But The Wife Is I'm So Miserable Without You, It's Like Having You Here I'm The Only Hell Mama Ever Raised I've Been Flushed From The Bathroom Of Your Heart I've Been Roped and Throwed by Jesus in the Holy Ghost Corral I've Got Four On The Floor And A Fifth Under The Seat I've Got Red Eyes From Your White Lies And I'm Blue All The Time I've Got Tears In My Ears From Lying On My Back In My Bed While I Cry Over You I've Got The Hungries For Your Love And I'm Waiting In Your Welfare Line I've Got You on My Conscience But At Least You're Off My Back I've Got a Funny Feeling (I Won't Be Feeling Funny Very Long) I've Never Seen a Straight Banana If Drinkin' Don't Kill Me, Her Memory Will If Fingerprints Showed Up On Skin, Wonder Whose I'd Find On You If I Can't Be Number One In Your Life, Then Number Two On You If I Had Shot You When I Wanted To, I'd Be Out By Now If I Had To Do It All Over Again, Babe, I'd Do It All Over You If I Said You Had A Beautiful Body, Would You Hold It Against Me? If It's Got To Be Later, How 'Bout Later Tonight? If Love Were Oil, I'd Be A Quart Low If My Nose Were Full of Nickels, I'd Blow It All On You If She Puts Lipstick On My Dipstick, I'll Fall In Love If The Jukebox Took Teardrops I'd Cry All Night Long If The Phone Don't Ring, Baby, You'll Know It's Me If Whiskey Were A Woman I'd Be Married For Sure If You Can Live With It (I Can Live Without It) If You Can't Feel It (It Ain't There) If You Don't Believe I Love You Just Ask My Wife If You Don't Leave Me Alone, I'll Go And Find Someone Else Who Will If You Keep Checking Up on Me (I'm Checking Out on You) If You Leave Me, Can I Come Too? It Ain't Love But It Ain't Bad It Don't Feel Like Sinnin' To Me It Don't Hurt Half as Bad as Holding You Feels Good It Takes Me All Night Long To Do What I Used To Do All Night Long Jesus Is a Good Ole Boy Lay Back Down and Love Me and Leave the Leavin' for Later On Learning To Live Again Without You Is Killing Me Let Me Love the Leavin' from Your Mind Love Will Beat Your Brains Out Mama Get The Hammer (There's A Fly On Papa's Head) May The Bird Of Paradise Fly Up Your Nose My Every Day Silver Is Plastic My Head Hurts, My Feet Stink, And I Don't Love Jesus My John Deere Was Breaking Your Field, While Your Dear John Was Breaking My Heart My Legs Won't Walk Away From You My Wife Ran Off With My Best Friend, And I Sure Do Miss Him Nervous Breakdown Nineteenth Foggy Mountain Breakdown Now I lay Me Down To Cheat Oh, I've Got Hair Oil On My Ears And My Glasses Are Slipping Down... ....But Baby I Can See Through You Oh, Lord! It's Hard To Be Humble When You're Perfect In Every Way Out Of My Head And Back In My Bed Pardon Me, I've Got Someone To Kill Pardon My Southern Movements, Miss Lou (?) Play Me or Trade Me Please Bypass This Heart She Can't Get My Love off the Bed She Even Woke Me Up to Say Goodbye She Feels Like A New Man Tonight She Gave Her Heart to Jethro and Her Body to the Whole Danged World She Got The Gold Mine And I Got The Shaft She Got The Ring And I Got The Finger She Made Toothpicks Out Of The Timber Of My Heart She Was Bred in Old Kentucky, But She's Just a Crumb Out Here She Was Only a Cattleman's Daughter, But All the Horsemen Knew 'Er. She's Got Freckles On Her, But She's Pretty She's Out Doing What I'm Here Doing Without. Sleeping Single in a Double Bed Somebody Must Have Loved You Right Last Night Somebody Shoot Out the Jukebox Swing Wide Your Gate Of Love Take Me to Heaven (Before You Take Me Home) Tennis Must Be Your Racket 'Cause Love Means Nothin' To You Thank God And Greyhound She's Gone The Last Word In Lonesome Is "me" The Pint of No Return The Wife of the Party The Worst You Ever Gave Me Was the Best I Ever Had There Ain't No Waste In My Baby's Love Canal They May Put Me In Prison, But They Can't Stop My Face From Breakin' Out (or You May Put Me In Prison, But You Can't Keep My Face From Breakin' Out) This Time I'm Gonna Beat You to the Truck Timber, I'm Falling in Love Touch Me With More Than Your Hands Velcro Arms, Teflon Heart We Used to Just Kiss on the Lips But Now It's All Over What Made Milwaukee Famous (Has Made a Loser Out of Me) What's a Fool Like Me Doing In a Love Like This When We Get Back To the Farm (That's When We Really Go To Town) When You Leave, Walk Out Backwards, So I'll Think You're Walking In ... (or Walk Out Backwards Slowly So I'll Think You're Walking In) Who You Gonna Believe, Me Or Your Lying Eyes? Who's Taking Care of the Caretaker's Daughter ... ... (While the Caretaker's Busy Taking Care)? Would Jesus Wear A Rolex on His Television Show? You Blacked My Blue Eyes Once Too Often You Can Tell the Man Who Boozes (By the Company He Chooses) You Can't Deal Me All The Aces And Expect Me Not To Play You Can't Have Your Kate And Edith Too You Can't Roller Skate In A Buffalo Herd You Done Stomped on My Heart (and Smashed That Sucker Flat) ... (or You Done Tore Out My Heart And Stomped That Sucker Flat) You Hurt The Love Right Out Of Me You Were Only A Splinter As I Slid Down The Bannister Of Life You Won't Be Back But George and Jack Will Help Me Make It Through The Night You'd Make an Angel Want to Cheat You're A Cross I Can't Bear You're Out Doing What I'm Here Doing Without You're Ruining My Bad Reputation You're the First Time I Thought About Leaving You're the Reason Our Kids Are So Ugly Your Negligee Has Turned to Flannel Nightgowns From mcafee Fri Mar 3 23:37:13 1995 Received: by eco.utexas.edu (4.1/1.34/ECO 1.1) id AA16573; Fri, 3 Mar 95 23:37:13 CST Date: Fri, 3 Mar 1995 23:37:13 -0600 (CST) From: R Preston McAfee Subject: Not Strictly PC To: joke-archive@mundo.eco.utexas.edu Message-Id: Mime-Version: 1.0 Content-Type: TEXT/PLAIN; charset=US-ASCII ---------- Forwarded message ---------- Date: Tue, 14 Feb 95 17:26:01 CST From: R Preston McAfee To: R Preston McAfee Subject: Not Strictly PC (fwd) > Date: Sun, 12 Feb 1995 15:53:05 EST > From: The Annals of Improbable Research > 1995-02-06 'Studmuffins of Science' Calendar > by Karen Hopkin > > Attention, afficionados of the academic Adonis. The curators of > the all-new Studmuffuns of Science Calendar seek photos and > biographical blurbs on the hottest young scientists from > astrophysics to zoology. Designed to give female students and > faculty members something to ogle while they run their gels or > prepare their grants, the calendar will feature a dozen of the > smartest and sexiest science studs around. We'll show these > brainy boys at work and at play... and reveal their intimate > secrets... their favorite board games, bacterial media, ftp sites, > and pasta recipes. > > Nominate yourself. Nominate your chairman. Nominate the poor > unsuspecting slob slaving away at the lab bench next to you. > Remember, if you have a Y chromosome and a PhD, you could be Dr. > December. > > We anxiously await your entries. Please send calendar candidate > photos to: Studmuffins of Science Calendar, c/o Karen Hopkin, > Producer, Talk of the Nation: Science Friday, WNYC Radio, One > Centre Street, New York, NY 10007 or c/o The Annals of Improbable > Research (address given below). If you have any recommendations > or would be interested in getting your hands on a copy of the > steamiest science calender ever conceived, drop us a line at > khopkin@npr.org. > > mini-AIR is an monthly electronic supplement to The Annals of > Improbable Research (AIR). It is available over the Internet, > free of charge. To subscribe, send a brief E-mail message to: > LISTSERV@MITVMA.MIT.EDU > The body of your message should contain ONLY the words > SUBSCRIBE MINI-AIR MARIE CURIE > (You may substitute your own name for that of Madame Curie.) > > This material posted with permission. > ------------------------------------------------------------ > (c) copyright 1995, The Annals of Improbable Research > ------------------------------------------------------------ > Let me know if any economists make the list. From mcafee Fri Mar 3 23:37:44 1995 Received: by eco.utexas.edu (4.1/1.34/ECO 1.1) id AA16583; Fri, 3 Mar 95 23:37:44 CST Date: Fri, 3 Mar 1995 23:37:43 -0600 (CST) From: R Preston McAfee Subject: Baseball Strike To: joke-archive@mundo.eco.utexas.edu Message-Id: Mime-Version: 1.0 Content-Type: TEXT/PLAIN; charset=US-ASCII ---------- Forwarded message ---------- Date: Mon, 20 Feb 95 07:15:15 CST From: R Preston McAfee To: R Preston McAfee Subject: Baseball Strike The striking baseball players plan to have a picket line, but not walk it themselves. They will hire people to walk the line for them. From today's Boston Globe: "When you think about it, the players would make perfect picketers. They are good at throwing things and they are the sultans of spit. Expectoration always has been the weapon of choice on picket lines." From mcafee Wed Mar 8 10:55:07 1995 Received: by eco.utexas.edu (4.1/1.34/ECO 1.1) id AA18857; Wed, 8 Mar 95 10:55:07 CST Date: Wed, 8 Mar 95 10:55:07 CST From: mcafee (R Preston McAfee) Message-Id: <9503081655.AA18857@eco.utexas.edu> To: joke-archive@eco.utexas.edu Subject: How to turn English into German MEIHEM IN CE KLASRUM by Dolton Edwards (reprinted in A Stress Analysis of the Strapless Evening Gown, Prentice Hall). He: I M A B. She: U R! He: S, R U A B 2? She: O S, I M A B 2. R U N TV? He: S, I M A TV B. She: G! -Children's Primer, New Style Because we are still bearing some of the scars of our brief skirmish with II-B English, it is natural that we should be enchanted by Mr. George Bernard Shaw's proposal for a simplified alphabet. Obviously, as Mr. Shaw points out, English spelling is in much need of a general overhauling and streamlining. However, our own resistance to any changes requiring a large expenditure of mental effort in the near future would cause us to view with some apprehension the possibility of some day receiving a morning paper printed in - to us - Greek. Our own plan would achieve the same end as the legislation proposed by Mr. Shaw, but in a less shocking manner, as it consists merely of an acceleration of the normal processes by which the language is continually modernized. As a catalytic agent, we would suggest that a "National Easy Language Week" be proclaimed, which the President would inaugurate, outlining some short cut to concentrate on during the week, and to be adopted during the ensuing year. All school children would be given a holiday, the lost time being the equivalent of that gained by the spelling short cut. In 1972, for example, we would urge the elimination of the soft "c," for which we would substitute "s." Sertainly, such an improvement would be selebrated in all sivic-minded sircles as being suffisiently worth the trouble, and students in all sities in the land would be reseptive toward any change eliminating the nesessity of learning the differense between the two letters. In 1973, sinse only the hard "c" would be left, it would be possible to substitute "k" for it, both letters being pronounsed identikally. Imagine how greatly only two years of this prosess would klarify the konfusion in the minds of students. Already, we would have eliminated an entire letter from the alphabet. Typewriters and linotypes kould all be built with one less letter, and all the manpower and materials previously devoted to making "c's" kould be turned toward raising the national standard of living. In the fase of so many notable improvements, it is easy to foresee that by 1974 "National Easy Language Week" would be a pronounsed sukses. All skhool tshildren would be looking forward with konsiderable exsitement to the holdiday, and in a blaze of national publisity it would be announsed that the double konsonant "ph" no longer existed, and that the sound would henseforth be written "f" in all words. This would make sutsh words as "fonograf" twenty persent shorter in print. By 1975, publik interest in a fonetik alfabet kan be expekted to have inkreased to the point where a more radikal step forward kan be taken without fear of undue kritisism. We would therefore urge the elimination at that time of al unesesary double leters, whitsh, although quite harmles, have always ben a nuisanse in the language and a desided deterent to akurate speling. Try it yourself in the next leter you write, and se if both writing and reading are not fasilitated. With so mutsh progres already made, it might be posible in 1976 to delve further into the posibilities of fonetik speling. After due konsideration of the reseption aforded the previous steps, it should be expedient by this time to spel al difthongs fonetikaly. Most students do not realize that the long "i" and "y," as in "time" and "by," are aktualy the difthong "ai," as in "aisle," and that the long "a" in "fate," is in reality the difthong "ei" as in "rein." Although perhaps not imediately aparent, the saving in taime and efort wil be tremendous when we leiter elimineite the sailent "e," as meide posible bai this last tsheinge. For, as is wel known, the horible mes of "e's" apearing in our writen language is kaused prinsipaly bai the present nesesity of indikeiting whether a vowel is long or short. Therefore, in 1977 we kould simply elimineit al sailent "e's," and kontinu to read and wrait merily along as though we wer in an atomik ag of edukation. In 1978 we would urg a greit step forward. Sins bai this taim it would have ben four years sins anywun had used the leter "c," we would sugest that the "National Easy Languag Wek" for 1978 be devoted to substitution of "c" for "Th." To be sur it would be som taim befor peopl would bekom akustomd to reading ceir newspapers and buks wic sutsh setenses in cem as "Ceodor caught he had cre cousand cistls crust crough ce cik of his cumb." In ce seim maner, bai meking eatsh leter hav its own sound and cat sound only, we kould shorten ce languag stil mor. In 1979 we would elimineit ce "y"; cen in 1980 we kould us ce leter to indikeit ce "sh" sound, cerbai klarifaiing words laik yugar and yur, as wel as redusing bai wun more leter al words laik "yut," "yore," and so forc. Cink, cen, of al ce benefits to be geind bai ce distinktion whitsh wil cen be maid between words laik: ocean now written oyean machine now written mayin racial now written reiyial Al sutsh divers weis of wraiting wun sound would no longer exist, and whenever wun kaim akros a "y" sound he would know exaktli what to wrait. Kontinuing cis proses, year after year, we would eventuali hav a reali sensibl writen languag. By 1995, wi ventyur tu sei, cer wud bi no mor uv ces teribli trublsum difkultis, wic no tu leters usd to indikeit ce seim nois, and laikwais no tu noises riten wic ce seim leter. Even Mr. Yaw, wi beliv, wud be hapi in ce noleg cat his drims fainali keim tru. From mcafee Thu Mar 9 08:56:17 1995 Received: by eco.utexas.edu (4.1/1.34/ECO 1.1) id AA22387; Thu, 9 Mar 95 08:56:17 CST Date: Thu, 9 Mar 1995 08:56:16 -0600 (CST) From: R Preston McAfee X-Sender: mcafee@mundo To: joke-archive@mundo.eco.utexas.edu Subject: Fowl Philosophy Message-Id: Mime-Version: 1.0 Content-Type: TEXT/PLAIN; charset=US-ASCII >Why did the chicken cross the road? > > Plato: For the greater good. > > Karl Marx: It was a historical inevitability. > > Machiavelli: So that its subjects will view it with admiration, as a > chicken which has the daring and courage to boldly cross > the road, but also with fear, for whom among them has the > strength to contend with such a paragon of avian virtue? > In such a manner is the princely chicken's dominion maintained. > > Hippocrates: Because of an excess of light pink gooey stuff in its > pancreas. > > Jacques Derrida: Any number of contending discourses may be discovered > within the act of the chicken crossing the road, and > each interpretation is equally valid as the authorial > intent can never be discerned, because structuralism > is DEAD, DAMMIT, DEAD! > > Thomas de Torquemada: Give me ten minutes with the chicken and I'll find > out. > > Timothy Leary: Because that's the only kind of trip the Establishment would > let it take. > > Douglas Adams: Forty-two. > > Nietzsche: Because if you gaze too long across the Road, the Road gazes > also across you. > > B.F. Skinner: Because the external influences which had pervaded its > sensorium from birth had caused it to develop in such a > fashion that it would tend to cross roads, even while > believing these actions to be of its own free will. > > Carl Jung: The confluence of events in the cultural gestalt necessitated > that individual chickens cross roads at this historical juncture, > and therefore synchronicitously brought such occurrences into >being. > > Jean-Paul Sartre: In order to act in good faith and be true to itself, the > chicken found it necessary to cross the road. > > Ludwig Wittgenstein: The possibility of "crossing" was encoded into the > objects "chicken" and "road", and circumstances came > into being which caused the actualization of this > potential occurrence. > > Albert Einstein: Whether the chicken crossed the road or the road crossed > the chicken depends upon your frame of reference. > > Aristotle: To actualize its potential. > > Buddha: If you meet the chicken on the road, kill it. > > Howard Cosell: It may very well have been one of the most astonishing > events to grace the annals of history. An historic, > unprecedented avian biped with the temerity to attempt > such an herculean achievement formerly relegated to homo > sapien pedestrians is truly a remarkable occurence. > > Salvador Dali: The Fish. > > Darwin: It was the logical next step after coming down from the trees. > > Emily Dickinson: Because it could not stop for death. > > Epicurus: For fun. > > Ralph Waldo Emerson: It didn't cross the road; it transcended it. > > Johann Friedrich von Goethe: The eternal hen-principle made it do it. > > Ernest Hemingway: To die. In the rain. > > Werner Heisenberg: We are not sure which side of the road the chicken was > on, but it was moving very fast. > > David Hume: Out of custom and habit. > > Jack Nicholson: 'Cause it (censored) wanted to. That's the (censored) > reason. > > Pyrrho the Skeptic: What road? > > The Sphinx: You tell me. > > Mr. T: If you saw me coming you'd cross the road too! > > Henry David Thoreau: To live deliberately ... and suck all the marrow out > of life. > > Mark Twain: The news of its crossing has been greatly exaggerated. > > Molly Yard: It was a hen! > > Zeno of Elea: To prove it could never reach the other side. > > Other: It was too far to walk around! > > Texan: To prove to the armadillio that it could be done. > >--------------------------=========!========-------------------------------- >John P. Hanna - johnh@cccd.edu Orange Coast College >Multimedia Services Costa Mesa, California >"The optimist believes that this is the best of all possible worlds and the >pessimist fears that he is right." - anonymous >--------------------------=========!========-------------------------------- From mcafee Thu Mar 9 19:53:59 1995 Received: by eco.utexas.edu (4.1/1.34/ECO 1.1) id AA23522; Thu, 9 Mar 95 19:53:59 CST Date: Thu, 9 Mar 1995 19:53:58 -0600 (CST) From: R Preston McAfee X-Sender: mcafee@mundo To: joke-archive@mundo.eco.utexas.edu Subject: Warning Labels Message-Id: Mime-Version: 1.0 Content-Type: TEXT/PLAIN; charset=US-ASCII A CALL FOR MORE SCIENTIFIC TRUTH IN PRODUCT WARNING LABELS by Susan Hewitt and Edward Subitzky As scientists and concerned citizens, we applaud the recent trend towards legislation that requires the prominent placing of warnings on products that present hazards to the general public. Yet we must also offer the cautionary thought that such warnings, however well-intentioned, merely scratch the surface of what is really necessary in this important area. This is especially true in light of the findings of 20th century physics. We are therefore proposing that, as responsible scientists, we join together in an intensive push for new laws that will mandate the conspicuous placement of suitably informative warnings on the packaging of every product offered for sale in the United States of America. Our suggested list of warnings appears below. WARNING: This Product Warps Space and Time in Its Vicinity. WARNING: This Product Attracts Every Other Piece of Matter in the Universe, Including the Products of Other Manufacturers, with a Force Proportional to the Product of the Masses and Inversely Proportional to the Distance Between Them. CAUTION: The Mass of This Product Contains the Energy Equivalent of 85 Million Tons of TNT per Net Ounce of Weight. HANDLE WITH EXTREME CARE: This Product Contains Minute Electrically Charged Particles Moving at Velocities in Excess of Five Hundred Million Miles Per Hour. CONSUMER NOTICE: Because of the "Uncertainty Principle," It Is Impossible for the Consumer to Find Out at the Same Time Both Precisely Where This Product Is and How Fast It Is Moving. ADVISORY: There is an Extremely Small but Nonzero Chance That, Through a Process Know as "Tunneling," This Product May Spontaneously Disappear from Its Present Location and Reappear at Any Random Place in the Universe, Including Your Neighbor's Domicile. The Manufacturer Will Not Be Responsible for Any Damages or Inconvenience That May Result. READ THIS BEFORE OPENING PACKAGE: According to Certain Suggested Versions of the Grand Unified Theory, the Primary Particles Constituting this Product May Decay to Nothingness Within the Next Four Hundred Million Years. THIS IS A 100% MATTER PRODUCT: In the Unlikely Event That This Merchandise Should Contact Antimatter in Any Form, a Catastrophic Explosion Will Result. PUBLIC NOTICE AS REQUIRED BY LAW: Any Use of This Product, in Any Manner Whatsoever, Will Increase the Amount of Disorder in the Universe. Although No Liability Is Implied Herein, the Consumer Is Warned That This Process Will Ultimately Lead to the Heat Death of the Universe. NOTE: The Most Fundamental Particles in This Product Are Held Together by a "Gluing" Force About Which Little is Currently Known and Whose Adhesive Power Can Therefore Not Be Permanently Guaranteed. ATTENTION: Despite Any Other Listing of Product Contents Found Hereon, the Consumer is Advised That, in Actuality, This Product Consists Of 99.9999999999% Empty Space. NEW GRAND UNIFIED THEORY DISCLAIMER: The Manufacturer May Technically Be Entitled to Claim That This Product Is Ten- Dimensional. However, the Consumer Is Reminded That This Confers No Legal Rights Above and Beyond Those Applicable to Three-Dimensional Objects, Since the Seven New Dimensions Are "Rolled Up" into Such a Small "Area" That They Cannot Be Detected. PLEASE NOTE: Some Quantum Physics Theories Suggest That When the Consumer Is Not Directly Observing This Product, It May Cease to Exist or Will Exist Only in a Vague and Undetermined State. COMPONENT EQUIVALENCY NOTICE: The Subatomic Particles (Electrons, Protons, etc.) Comprising This Product Are Exactly the Same in Every Measurable Respect as Those Used in the Products of Other Manufacturers, and No Claim to the Contrary May Legitimately Be Expressed or Implied. HEALTH WARNING: Care Should Be Taken When Lifting This Product, Since Its Mass, and Thus Its Weight, Is Dependent on Its Velocity Relative to the User. IMPORTANT NOTICE TO PURCHASERS: The Entire Physical Universe, Including This Product, May One Day Collapse Back into an Infinitesimally Small Space. Should Another Universe Subsequently Re-emerge, the Existence of This Product in That Universe Cannot Be Guaranteed. (from Volume 36, Number 1 of The Journal of Irreproducible Results Copyright 1991 Blackwell Scientific Publications Inc. 3 Cambridge Center, Cambridge MA 02141 Individual US Subscriptions $12.00 Reproduced with permission.) From mcafee Wed Mar 15 10:33:19 1995 Received: by eco.utexas.edu (4.1/1.34/ECO 1.1) id AA13467; Wed, 15 Mar 95 10:33:19 CST Date: Wed, 15 Mar 95 10:33:19 CST From: mcafee (R Preston McAfee) Message-Id: <9503151633.AA13467@eco.utexas.edu> To: joke-archive@eco.utexas.edu Subject: Smelling a Rat ---------- Forwarded message ---------- From: Hal Varian To: Preston McAfee---UT Econ Dept SCENT SOFTWARE Idaho Computing has taken multimedia one sense further, by developing a PC add-in board that uses chemicals to generate scents on your computer. The $199 ScentMaster can produce 36 distinctive smells, such as "roses," "new car," "roasted coffee," and "dead animal in wall." The scent board functions in much the same way a sound card does, except instead of playing sounds, ScentMaster mixes three chemicals (primary scents) to produce the various aromas which are wafted into the atmosphere via a small spray-emitter module. Additional scent software is available and a Macintosh version is planned by the end of the year. For more information, send e-mail to idaho@netaxis.com. (Internet World, April '95 p.16) -------------------------------------------- As a reporter well known for checking facts (at least I did so once before), I thought you ought to know: From april@mecklermedia.com Date: Wed, 15 Mar 1995 11:20:39 -0500 From: april@mecklermedia.com Reply to: april-admin@mecklermedia.com To: mcafee@mundo.eco.utexas.edu Subject: Your mail to idaho@mecklermedia.COM Scent boards... what will they think of next? You're getting this auto-message because you read the April issue of Internet World, and responded to the News item about Idaho Computing's ScentMaster. Well, sorry to disappoint you, but in the age-old tradition of the Internet...April Fool (from the staff of Internet World and Idaho Computing)! See you on the Net... From mcafee Thu Mar 16 19:12:00 1995 Received: by eco.utexas.edu (4.1/1.34/ECO 1.1) id AA06296; Thu, 16 Mar 95 19:12:00 CST Date: Thu, 16 Mar 1995 19:11:59 -0600 (CST) From: R Preston McAfee X-Sender: mcafee@mundo To: joke-archive@eco.utexas.edu Subject: Separating the men from the bonds Message-Id: Mime-Version: 1.0 Content-Type: TEXT/PLAIN; charset=US-ASCII What is the difference between men and bonds? Bonds mature. From mcafee Fri Mar 17 15:21:24 1995 Received: by eco.utexas.edu (4.1/1.34/ECO 1.1) id AA02200; Fri, 17 Mar 95 15:21:24 CST Date: Fri, 17 Mar 1995 15:21:23 -0600 (CST) From: R Preston McAfee X-Sender: mcafee@mundo To: joke-archive@eco.utexas.edu Subject: GM Hotline Message-Id: Mime-Version: 1.0 Content-Type: TEXT/PLAIN; charset=US-ASCII General Motors doesn't have a help line for people who don't know how to drive because people don't buy cars like they buy computers, but imagine if they did.... --- HelpLine: "General Motors HelpLine, how can I help you?" Customer: "I got in my car and closed the door and nothing happened!" HelpLine: "Did you put the key in the ignition slot and turn it?" Customer: "What's an ignition?" HelpLine: "It's a starter motor that draws current from your battery and turns over the engine." Customer: "Ignition? Motor? Battery? Engine? How come I have to know all these technical terms just to use my car?" --- HelpLine: "General Motors HelpLine, how can I help you?" Customer: "My car ran fine for a week and now it won't go anywhere!" HelpLine: "Is the gas tank empty?" Customer: "Huh? How do I know?" HelpLine: "There's a little gauge on the front panel with a needle and markings from 'E' to 'F'. Where is the needle pointing?" Customer: "It's pointing to 'E'. What does that mean?" HelpLine: "It means you have to visit a gasoline vendor and purchase some more gasoline. You can install it yourself or pay the vendor to install it for you." Customer: "What? I paid $12,000 for this car! Now you tell me that I have to keep buying more components? I want a car that comes with everything built in!" --- HelpLine: "General Motors HelpLine, how can I help you?" Customer: "Your cars suck!" HelpLine: "What's wrong?" Customer: "It crashed, that's what wrong!" HelpLine: "What were you doing?" Customer: "I wanted to run faster, so I pushed the accelerator pedal all the way to the floor. It worked for a while and then it crashed and it won't start now! HelpLine: "It's your responsibility if you misuse the product. What do you expect us to do about it?" Customer: "I want you to send me one of the latest version that doesn't crash any more!" --- HelpLine: "General Motors HelpLine, how can I help you?" Customer: "Hi, I just bought my first car, and I chose your car because it has automatic transmission, cruise control, power steering, power brakes, and power door locks." HelpLine: "Thanks for buying our car. How can I help you?" Customer: "How do I work it?" HelpLine: "Do you know how to drive?" Customer: "Do I know how to what?" HelpLine: "Do you know how to drive?" Customer: "I'm not a technical person. I just want to go places in my car!" Thanks to Luke Froeb. From mcafee Tue Mar 21 10:34:06 1995 Received: by eco.utexas.edu (4.1/1.34/ECO 1.1) id AA08844; Tue, 21 Mar 95 10:34:06 CST Date: Tue, 21 Mar 1995 10:34:05 -0600 (CST) From: R Preston McAfee X-Sender: mcafee@mundo To: joke-archive@eco.utexas.edu Subject: Ivy League Light Bulb Jokes Message-Id: Mime-Version: 1.0 Content-Type: TEXT/PLAIN; charset=US-ASCII How many Princeton students does it take to change a lightbulb? Two---one to mix the martinis and one to call the electrician. How many Brown students does it take to change a lightbulb? Eleven---one to change the lightbulb and ten to share the experience. How many Dartmouth students does it take to change a lightbulb? None---Hanover doesn't have electricity. How many Cornell students does it take to change a lightbulb? Two---One to change the lightbulb and one to crack under the pressure. How many Penn students does it take to change a lightbulb? Only one, but he gets six credits for it. How many Columbia students does it take to change a lightbulb? Seventy-six---one to change the lightbulb, fifty to protest the lightbulb's right to not change, and twenty-five to hold a counter-protest. How many Yale students does it take to change a lightbulb? None---New Haven looks better in the dark. How many Harvard students does it take to change a lightbulb? One---he holds the bulb and the world revolves around him. ______________________________________________________________________________ "The inherent vice of capitalism is the unequal sharing of blessings; the inherent virtue of socialism is the equal sharing of miseries" -Winston Churchill Thanks to Dereka Rushbrook. From mcafee Tue Mar 21 22:00:13 1995 Received: by eco.utexas.edu (4.1/1.34/ECO 1.1) id AA25651; Tue, 21 Mar 95 22:00:13 CST Date: Tue, 21 Mar 1995 22:00:12 -0600 (CST) From: R Preston McAfee X-Sender: mcafee@mundo To: joke-archive@eco.utexas.edu Subject: MIT Message-Id: Mime-Version: 1.0 Content-Type: TEXT/PLAIN; charset=US-ASCII Date: Sun, 15 Jan 95 18:48:44 CST From: R Preston McAfee "Nerd City. A place where everyone talks in numbers, chats via e-mail, and studies all night. Yep, that's MIT. The buildings and majors and classes have numbers instead of names. The place is swarming with rocket scientists, computer scientists, social scientists, and probably a few mad scientists. And students never leave the lab. No parties, no dates, no fun." -The MIT Admissions Brochure [The brochure later denies this stereotype] "Deconstruct everything, systematically whine about systems, join the hordes of politically-correct oppressors, and fight sexism, homophobia, classism, and military research at MIT." - The Thistle, an MIT student publication From mcafee Tue Mar 21 22:03:16 1995 Received: by eco.utexas.edu (4.1/1.34/ECO 1.1) id AA25699; Tue, 21 Mar 95 22:03:16 CST Date: Tue, 21 Mar 1995 22:03:15 -0600 (CST) From: R Preston McAfee X-Sender: mcafee@mundo To: joke-archive@eco.utexas.edu Subject: Tobacco Message-Id: Mime-Version: 1.0 Content-Type: TEXT/PLAIN; charset=US-ASCII Date: Fri, 3 Feb 95 22:08:04 CST From: R Preston McAfee A younger woman comes into a busy restaurant where an older woman is eating her lunch and lights up a cigarette. The older woman looks at her in disgust and says "I would rather commit adultery then smoke a cigarette". The younger one replies "So would I, but I only have 45 minutes for lunch." --------------------------- Something to remember the next time you find yourself lonely and alone in a hotel room somewhere: kissing a smoker is like kissing an ashtray. From mcafee Tue Mar 21 22:11:09 1995 Received: by eco.utexas.edu (4.1/1.34/ECO 1.1) id AA25774; Tue, 21 Mar 95 22:11:09 CST Date: Tue, 21 Mar 1995 22:11:08 -0600 (CST) From: R Preston McAfee X-Sender: mcafee@mundo To: joke-archive@eco.utexas.edu Subject: The Lone Hacker Message-Id: Mime-Version: 1.0 Content-Type: TEXT/PLAIN; charset=US-ASCII So I'm down in Arivaca, little backcountry town near the border, eating lunch at that diner on the cutoff road that goes past Ruby ghost town and over the hill to Pena Blanca Lake, and I'm wearing my "The Internet Is Full - Go Away!" t-shirt. By and by a guy who's been sitting at the counter drinking coffee finishes up, pays the waitress, and heads for the door. Just before he gets there my shirt catches his eye. He stares at it for about ten seconds, then finally says, real slow, "That's a damn unfriendly message you got there. Where the hell'd you get that shirt, anyway?" He's about 6'2", built solid, with green stains on the bottom of his Levis that say "Yep, it's horseshit, want to make something of it?" I figure I better answer. "This guy called Joel Furr in North Carolina makes them." He looks at his knuckles for just a second, then looks up at me again. "Furr, huh? So he thinks the Internet is full?" "Well, it's just supposed to be a joke, you know..." "Come on out to my truck," he says. I must be looking green, because he gives a little laugh and says, "Hell, I'm not gonna kick your ass, wouldn't be worth the bother. Got somethin' to show you, seein' as you're an expert on the Internet and all." So I follow him out to a middling-old Ford truck that has all the usual in the bed, hay scraps, shovels, wire snips, a couple empty boxes of .30-.30 shells. But he reaches into the cab and pulls out a ThinkPad hooked to a cellular modem, puts it on the hood, and turns it on. Fires up Telix, then tells me to turn around until he says I can look again. When he says I can look, I see he's logged in to an indirect.com shell account. "Now you just watch," he says. So he types in "telnet acpub.duke.edu", and at the login prompt he types "root". Then he says, "OK, You know the routine," so I turn around again, and when he says I can turn back I'll be damned if he doesn't have a "#" prompt. It goes pretty quick from there. "ex /etc/passwd", he types. Gets a colon prompt. "/jfurr/d", he types, then "wq". Then goes up to /usr/adm and does some stuff with the wtmp and log files so fast I can't really follow, and then logs out. He puts the Thinkpad back in the truck, gets in, and turns on the ignition. Then he turns to me and says, with the first hint of a smile, "I figure there's one more parking space open on the Information Highway now," and guns the motor. Just as he's driving off I kind of wake up a little bit and yell: "Hey! Joel will get back on, you know!" And without looking even looking back he yells, "Yeah, and when he does, you let him know who booted him off, and why!" * * * So when I get back into the cafe I ask the waitress, "That guy come around here a lot?" And she says, "Yeah, but it's okay, he was just teasin' you, he must 'a liked you." And I say, "Jeez, what does he do to people he *doesn't* like?" And before she could answer, this little scrunched-up farmer down at the end of the counter says, without even looking up from his coffee, "That there Life Flight helicopter down from Tucson had a hell of a time landin' outside, time he ran into that lawyer couple from Phoenix in here." I got out of there as quick as I politely could, but as I was pulling out the lettering on the door caught my eye again, and this time I wondered if maybe it wasn't just some bad garbled attempt at a Spanish name: the TERRA PNEQ Cafe. Looked at it in my rear-view mirror to see if it made any more sense that way and it didn't, so I hit the road. Back in town, when I got off I-10 at Speedway the usual guy with the "work for food" sign was on the traffic island. So I pull off the shirt and give it to him. He thanks me and looks at the shirt. "The Internet is full? What's that mean?" "I don't know," I say. "Just don't wear it down in Arivaca." Then the light changes, and I'm gone. * * * P.S. Don't know if Joel ever got back on, but finger jfurr@acpub.duke.edu just hangs, and that's an ominous sign if you ask me. From mcafee Wed Mar 22 10:39:35 1995 Received: by eco.utexas.edu (4.1/1.34/ECO 1.1) id AA13621; Wed, 22 Mar 95 10:39:35 CST Date: Wed, 22 Mar 1995 10:39:34 -0600 (CST) From: R Preston McAfee X-Sender: mcafee@mundo To: joke-archive@eco.utexas.edu Subject: More Redneck Definitions. Message-Id: Mime-Version: 1.0 Content-Type: TEXT/PLAIN; charset=US-ASCII This has some duplication to previously sent material. You know you're a redneck....if... If you own more than 3 shirts with cut off sleeves If you have ever spraypainted your girlfriend's name on an overpass. If you consider a six-pack and a bug zapper quality entertainment. If your lifetime goal is to own a fireworks stand. If someone asks to see your I.D. and you show them your belt buckle. If your mother does not remove the Marlboro Light from her mouth before telling the state patrolman to kiss her ass. If the primary color of your car is bondo. If directions to your house include "turn off the paved road...." If your dog and your wallet are both on a chain. If you owe the taxidermist more than your annual income. If you ever lost a tooth opening a beer bottle. If Jack Daniels makes your list of most admired people. If your wife's hairdo has ever been ruined by a ceiling fan. If you see no need to stop at a rest stop because you have an empty milk jug in the car. If you have a rag for a gas cap. If you ever bar-b-que Spam on the grill. If your brother-in-law is also your uncle. If Redman chewing tobacco sends you a Christmas card. If you bought a VCR because wrestling comes on when you're at work. If your dad walks you to school because you're in the same grade. If you view your next family reunion as a chance to meet girls. If your wife has a beer belly and you find it attractive. If your house doesn't have any curtains but your truck does. If your front porch collapses and kills more than three dogs. If you think "Volvo" is part of a woman's anatomy. If you consider your license plate personalized because your dad made it. If you need one more hole punched in your card before you get a freebie at the "house of Tatoos" If your father encourages you to quit school because Larry has an opening at the lube rack. If after making love you have to ask your date to roll down the window. If anyone in your family has ever worn a tube top to a wedding. If you have a picture of Willie Nelson or Johnny Cash over the fireplace. If your idea of safe sex is a padded headboard. If you think BMWs are the call letters for a radio station. If you own a belt buckle that weighs more than 3 pounds. If you've ever been to a funeral where there are more pickup trucks than cars. From mcafee Sun Mar 26 22:23:26 1995 Received: by eco.utexas.edu (4.1/1.34/ECO 1.1) id AA24103; Sun, 26 Mar 95 22:23:26 CST Date: Sun, 26 Mar 1995 22:23:25 -0600 (CST) From: R Preston McAfee X-Sender: mcafee@mundo To: joke-archive@eco.utexas.edu Subject: Various Viruses Message-Id: Mime-Version: 1.0 Content-Type: TEXT/PLAIN; charset=US-ASCII List of newly discovered viruses BOBBIT VIRUS: Removes a vital part of your hard disk then re- attaches it. (But that part will never work again.) OPRAH WINFREY VIRUS: Your 200MB hard drive suddenly shrinks to 80MB, and then slowly expands back to 200MB. AT&T VIRUS: Every three minutes it tells you what great service you are getting. MCI VIRUS: Every three minutes it reminds you that you're paying too much for the AT&T virus. PAUL REVERE VIRUS: This revolutionary virus does not horse around. It warns you of impending hard disk attack---once if by LAN, twice if by C:>. POLITICALLY CORRECT VIRUS: Never calls itself a "virus", but instead refers to itself as an "electronic microorganism." RIGHT TO LIFE VIRUS: Won't allow you to delete a file, regardless of how old it is. If you attempt to erase a file, it requires you to first see a counselor about possible alternatives. ROSS PEROT VIRUS: Activates every component in your system, just before the whole damn thing quits. MARIO CUOMO VIRUS: It would be a great virus, but it refuses to run. TED TURNER VIRUS: Colorizes your monochrome monitor. ARNOLD SCHWARZENEGGER VIRUS: Terminates and stays resident. It'll be back. DAN QUAYLE VIRUS: Prevents your system from spawning any child process without joining into a binary network. DAN QUAYLE VIRUS #2: Their is sumthing rong wit your komputer, ewe jsut cant figyour out watt! GOVERNMENT ECONOMIST VIRUS: Nothing works, but all your diagnostic software says everything is fine. NEW WORLD ORDER VIRUS: Probably harmless, but it makes a lot of people really mad just thinking about it. FEDERAL BUREAUCRAT VIRUS: Divides your hard disk into hundreds of little units, each of which does practically nothing, but all of which claim to be the most important part of your computer. GALLUP VIRUS: Sixty percent of the PCs infected will lose 38 percent of their data 14 percent of the time. (plus or minus a 3.5 percent margin of error.) TERRY RANDLE VIRUS: Prints "Oh no you don't" whenever you choose "Abort" from the "Abort" "Retry" "Fail" message. TEXAS VIRUS: Makes sure that it's bigger than any other file. ADAM AND EVE VIRUS: Takes a couple of bytes out of your Apple. CONGRESSIONAL VIRUS: The computer locks up, screen splits erratically with a message appearing on each half blaming the other side for the problem. AIRLINE VIRUS: You're in Dallas, but your data is in Singapore. FREUDIAN VIRUS: Your computer becomes obsessed with marrying its own motherboard. PBS VIRUS: Your programs stop every few minutes to ask for money. ELVIS VIRUS: Your computer gets fat, slow and lazy, then self destructs; only to resurface at shopping malls and service stations across rural America. OLLIE NORTH VIRUS: Causes your printer to become a paper shredder. NIKE VIRUS: Just does it. SEARS VIRUS: Your data won't appear unless you buy new cables, power supply and a set of shocks. JIMMY HOFFA VIRUS: Your programs can never be found again. CONGRESSIONAL VIRUS #2: Runs every program on the hard drive simultaneously, but doesn't allow the user to accomplish anything. KEVORKIAN VIRUS: Helps your computer shut down as an act of mercy. IMELDA MARCOS VIRUS: Sings you a song (slightly off key) on boot up, then subtracts money from your Quicken account and spends it all on expensive shoes it purchases through Prodigy. STAR TREK VIRUS: Invades your system in places where no virus has gone before. HEALTH CARE VIRUS: Tests your system for a day, finds nothing wrong, and sends you a bill for $4,500. GEORGE BUSH VIRUS: It starts by boldly stating, "Read my docs....No new files!" on the screen. It proceeds to fill up all the free space on your hard drive with new files, then blames it on the Congressional Virus. CLEVELAND INDIANS VIRUS: Makes your 486/50 machine perform like a 286/AT. LAPD VIRUS: It claims it feels threatened by the other files on your PC and erases them in "self defense". CHICAGO CUBS VIRUS: Your PC makes frequent mistakes and comes in last in the reviews, but you still love it. ORAL ROBERTS VIRUS: Claims that if you don't send it a million dollars, it's programmer will take it back. Thanks to Barry Nalebuff. From mcafee Sun Mar 26 22:37:55 1995 Received: by eco.utexas.edu (4.1/1.34/ECO 1.1) id AA24272; Sun, 26 Mar 95 22:37:55 CST Date: Sun, 26 Mar 1995 22:37:55 -0600 (CST) From: R Preston McAfee X-Sender: mcafee@mundo To: joke-archive@eco.utexas.edu Subject: A step down in the world Message-Id: Mime-Version: 1.0 Content-Type: TEXT/PLAIN; charset=US-ASCII From today's NY Times week in review feature on welfare reform MARK FOLEY, Republican of Florida: I worked as a dishwasher. I cleaned toilets...I was a wrecker, an auto mechanic. I worked at a golf course. Now I am a proud menber of the United States Congress. No job is beneath me. Thanks to Charlie Brown. From mcafee Tue Mar 28 00:19:54 1995 Received: by eco.utexas.edu (4.1/1.34/ECO 1.1) id AA23129; Tue, 28 Mar 95 00:19:54 CST Date: Tue, 28 Mar 1995 00:19:54 -0600 (CST) From: R Preston McAfee X-Sender: mcafee@mundo To: joke-archive@eco.utexas.edu Subject: Just Because Message-Id: Mime-Version: 1.0 Content-Type: TEXT/PLAIN; charset=US-ASCII WHY ASK WHY? ------------ Why do you need a driver's license to buy liquor when you can't drink and drive? Why isn't phonetic spelled the way it sounds? Why are there interstate highways in Hawaii? Why are there flotation devices under plane seats instead of parachutes? Why are cigarettes sold in gas stations when smoking is prohibited there? Do you need a silencer if you are going to shoot a mime? Have you ever imagined a world with no hypothetical situations? How does the guy who drives the snowplow get to work in the mornings? If 7-11 is open 24 hours a day, 365 days a year, why are there locks on the doors? If a cow laughed, would milk come out her nose? If nothing ever sticks to TEFLON, how do they make TEFLON stick to the pan? If you tied buttered toast to the back of a cat and dropped it from a height, what would happen? If you're in a vehicle going the speed of light, what happens when you turn on the headlights? You know how most packages say "Open here". What is the protocol if the package says, "Open somewhere else"? Why do they put Braille dots on the keypad of the drive-up ATM? Why do we drive on parkways and park on driveways? Why is it that when you transport something by car, it's called a shipment, but when you transport something by ship, it's called cargo? You know that little indestructible black box that is used on planes, why can't they make the whole plane out of the same substance? Why is it that when you're driving and looking for an address, you turn down the volume on the radio? _____________________________ Did you know who in 1923 was: 1. President of the largest steel company? 2. President of the largest gas company? 3. President of the New York Stock Exchange? 4. Greatest wheat speculator? 5. President of the Bank of International Settlement? 6. Great Bear of Wall Street? These men should have been considered some of the world's most successful men. At least they found the secret of making money. Now more than 55 years later, do you know what has become of these men? 1. The President of the largest steel company, Charles Schwab, died a pauper. 2. The President of the largest gas company, Edward Hopson, is insane. 3. The President of the N.Y.S.E., Richard Whitney, was released from prison to die at home. 4. The greatest wheat speculator, Arthur Cooger, died abroad, penniless. 5. The President of the Bank of International Settlement shot himself. 6. The Great Bear of Wall Street, Cosabee Rivermore, died of suicide. The same year, 1923, the winner of the most important golf championship, Gene Sarazan, won the U.S. Open and PGA Tournaments. Today he is still playing golf and is solvent. CONCLUSION: STOP WORRYING ABOUT BUSINESS AND START PLAYING GOLF _______________________________________ Thanks to Dereka Rushbrook. From mcafee Wed Mar 29 10:36:24 1995 Received: by eco.utexas.edu (4.1/1.34/ECO 1.1) id AA05008; Wed, 29 Mar 95 10:36:24 CST Date: Wed, 29 Mar 95 10:36:24 CST From: mcafee (R Preston McAfee) Message-Id: <9503291636.AA05008@eco.utexas.edu> To: joke-archive@eco.utexas.edu Subject: For the Emotionally Challenged, Part I A friend of mine, describing his relationship difficulties, remarked to me recently "Never get involved with a woman who has read Holmstrom." This seemed like very good advice to me, so I sought input from some friends who might be described as relatively experienced at starting and ending relationships, with an eye to collecting the more salient tipoffs that one is flirting with a Date From Hell. I asked these individuals to limit themselves to just a tinge of bitterness, so was at least a little alarmed to receive "Never get involved with a man." from an ex-girlfriend. In any case, here is the wisdom collected so far. If you have anything to add, by all means send it to me and I'll put out a part II. Never get involved with a woman who asks you to sign a dating contract (or at least read the fine print). brings her boyfriend, lawyer, mother or rottweiler on the first date. plays the accordian. wonders why there is no second hand market for wedding rings. has more wine glasses than water glasses. will try anything she thinks she can beat you at. asks for your date, time and place of birth before she'll date you. takes a waffle iron on vacations. collects Haitian voodoo dolls and has one for any occasion. says you remind her of her ex-husband. says her late husband died of food poisoning. Never get involved with a man who considers warm Pop-Tarts cooking. has a tattoo captioned "Mother." has the bumper sticker "You're thinker than I drunk I am." evaluates his beer consumption in kegs. thinks Cheerios taste great in beer. wants to have sex on the first date, but only once. can't open a bra that hooks in front. uses an egg timer to monitor foreplay. considers driving to the apartment part of foreplay. agonizes over asking you on a date, then tells you about it. needs instructions to operate the washing machine. has a vacuum still in the original carton unopened. ______________________________________ If you send these out to others, they can subscribe by sending an email to majordomo@eco.utexas.edu that says subscribe joke in the message text (not the subject). Sending the email unsubscribe joke reverses the process. Sending who joke will get you a list of subscribers. A partial history of the joke network is now available over gopher. Contact UTexas' gopher (type gopher gopher@eco.utexas.edu), choose item 11. Mailing Lists, then subitem 5. Joke. I'm told Ann Landers reprinted Why God Never Received Tenure at the University, and in honor of this, I reprint it here. As to the actual history, I don't recall where I got items 1-8, but I added items 9-14, and Phil Reny suggested items 15-6. Why God Never Received Tenure at the University ----------------------------------------------- 1. Because he had only one major publication. 2. And it was in Hebrew. 3. And it had no references. 4. And it wasn't published in a refereed journal. 5. And some even doubt he wrote it himself. 6. It may be true that he created the world but what has he done since? 7. His cooperative efforts have been quite limited. 8. The scientific community has had a very rough time trying to replicate his results. 9. He never applied to the Ethics Board for permission to use human subjects. 10. When one experiment went awry, he tried to cover it up by drowning the subjects. 11. When subjects didn't behave as predicted, he often punished them, or just deleted them from the sample. 12. He rarely came to class, just told students to read the book. 13. He had his son teach the class. 14. He expelled his first two students for learning. 15. Although there were only ten requirements, most students failed his tests. 16. His office hours were infrequent and usually held on a mountain top. From mcafee Wed Apr 5 16:51:20 1995 Received: by eco.utexas.edu (4.1/1.34/ECO 1.1) id AA10688; Wed, 5 Apr 95 16:51:20 CDT Date: Wed, 5 Apr 95 16:51:20 CDT Message-Id: <9504052151.AA10688@eco.utexas.edu> From: mcafee To: joke-archive@eco.utexas.edu Subject: Model Citizens The insights of the supermodels. ON COURAGE "They were doing a full back shot of me in a swimsuit and I thought, Oh my God, I have to be so brave. See, every woman hates herself from behind." -- Cindy Crawford ON SELF-KNOWLEDGE "Everywhere I went, my cleavage followed. But I learned I am not my cleavage." -- Carole Mallory ON POVERTY "Everyone should have enough money to get plastic surgery." -- Beverly Johnson ON FATE "I wish my butt did not go sideways, but I guess I have to face that." -- Christie Brinkley ON PSYCHOLOGY "I loved making 'Rising Sun'. I got into the psychology of why she liked to get strangled and tied up in plastic bags. It has to do with low self-worth." -- Tatjana Patitz ON ARRIVING "Because modeling is lucrative, I'm able to save up and be more particular about the acting roles I take." -- Kathy Ireland, star of 'Alien From L.A.' and 'Danger Island' ON CAREER CHOICES "My boyfriend thinks I lost my true calling to be a librarian." -- Paulina Porizkova ON PRIORITIES "I would rather exercise than read a newspaper." -- Kim Alexis ON GEOPOLITICS "Mick Jagger and I just really liked each other a lot. We talked all night. We had the same views on nuclear disarmament." -- Jerry Hall ON INNER STRENGTH "I love the confidence that makeup gives me." -- Tyra Banks ON DEATH "Richard doesn't really like me to kill bugs, but sometimes I can't help it." -- Cindy Crawford ON TRAVEL "I haven't seen the Eiffel Tower, Notre Dame, the Louvre. I haven't seen anything. I don't really care." -- Tyra Banks ON BREAKTHROUGHS "Once I got past my anger toward my mother, I began to excel in volleyball and modeling." -- Gabrielle Reece ON EPIPHANY "I just found out that I'm one inch taller than I thought." -- Christie Brinkley ON HEREDITY "My husband was just OK looking. I was in labor and I said to him, 'What if she's ugly? You're ugly.'" -- Beverly Johnson ON THE BASICS "It's very important to have the right clothing to exercise in. If you throw on an old T-shirt or sweats, it's not inspiring for your workout." -- Cheryl Tiegs ON INTRODUCTIONS "I think most people are curious about what it would be like to be able to meet yourself -- it's eerie." -- Christy Turlington ON COURTSHIP "The soundtrack to 'Indecent Exposure' is a romantic mix of music that I know most women love to hear, so I never keep it far from me when women are nearby." -- Fabio ON PARADOX "Sometimes I get lonely, but it's nice to be alone." -- Tatjana Patitz ON THE CONSERVATION OF MATTER "I've looked in the mirror every day for 20 years. It's the same face." -- Claudia Schiffer ON TRAGEDY "The worst was when my skirt fell down to my ankles -- but I had on thick tights underneath." -- Naomi Campbell ON INSTINCT "If I'm making a movie and get hungry, I call time-out and eat some crackers." -- Carol Alt ON THE CASTE SYSTEM "We're not Prince Charles and Princess Di. We don't think of ourselves as royalty. We happen to be working people." -- Christie Brinkley ON OCCUPATIONAL HAZARDS "I tried on 250 bathing suits in one afternoon and ended up having little scabs up and down my thighs, probably from some of those with sequins all over them." -- Cindy Crawford ON ECONOMICS "I don't wake up for less than $10,000 a day." -- Linda Evangelista ON ZEN "When I model I pretty blank. You can't think too much or it doesn't work." -- Paulina Porizkova ON LOGIC "I think, If my butt's not too big for them to be photographing it, then it shouldn't be too big for me." -- Christy Turlington ON BODY PARTS "I don't know what to do with my arms. It just makes me feel weird and I feel like people are looking at me and that makes me nervous." -- Tyra Banks ON BODY LANGUAGE "You can usually tell when I'm happy by the fact that I've gained weight." -- Christy Turlington ON DEPRIVATION "If they had Nautilus on the Concorde, I would work out all the time." -- Linda Evangelista ON MOTIVATION "It was kind of boring for me to have to eat. I would know that I had to, and I would." -- Kate Moss ON VERSATILITY "I can do anything you want me to do so long as I don't have to speak." -- Linda Evangelista ON THE GRIEF PROCESS "When my Azzedine jacket from 1987 died, I wrapped it up in a box, attached a note saying where it came from and took it to the Salvation Army. It was a big loss." -- Veronica Webb ON VENGEANCE "Girls are always getting mad at each other and they tell their hairdresser to purposely mess up another girl's hair." -- Tasha ON BATTING .667 "I'm a pretty girl who's a model who doesn't suck as an actress." -- Cameron Diaz From mcafee Sun Apr 9 18:52:59 1995 Received: by eco.utexas.edu (4.1/1.34/ECO 1.1) id AA12816; Sun, 9 Apr 95 18:52:59 CDT Date: Sun, 9 Apr 95 18:52:59 CDT From: mcafee (R Preston McAfee) Message-Id: <9504092352.AA12816@eco.utexas.edu> To: joke-archive@eco.utexas.edu Subject: Good Idea The city of Somerville, MA (which adjoins Cambridge), has a course in Kindergarten called "Creative Spelling." Somerville second-graders score at the 7th percentile (nationwide) in spelling. For those who think the nation's school districts are too lenient, today's NY Times offers: NO BOILERMAKERS ALLOWED: The Syracuse, NY, School District banned the colors of black and gold. AW, SHEESH, EVERYONE WILL THINK I'M CARRYING A CONCEALED WEAPON: Broward County, Fla, bans boxer shorts, bloomers and bustiers, or items "traditionally designed as undergarments but worn as outergarments." THE FOOTBALL TEAM IS KNOWN AS THE DORKS: The Wills County, Ill, school district prohibits students from wearing sandals without socks. THE CRYBOYS OR THE FORTY-WHINERS LOGO IS ACCEPTABLE: The Los Angeles school district bans students from wearing LA Raiders jackets. WEAR LEVI'S LIKE YOUR PARENTS DID: The Mumford High School (Detroit) prohibits "fancy clothes," including fur coats and gold jewelry. BUT THE RAIN KEEPS EXTINGUISHING MY CIGARETTE: The Seattle Public Schools prohibit chewing tobacco from all but a handful of campuses. From mcafee Sun Apr 9 20:08:15 1995 Received: by eco.utexas.edu (4.1/1.34/ECO 1.1) id AA14098; Sun, 9 Apr 95 20:08:15 CDT Date: Sun, 9 Apr 95 20:08:15 CDT From: mcafee (R Preston McAfee) Message-Id: <9504100108.AA14098@eco.utexas.edu> To: joke-archive@eco.utexas.edu Subject: Doctor of What? From today's NY Times Magazine: Dr. Alan R. Hirsch, director of the Smell and Taste Treatment and Research Foundation in Chicago, has determined that certain odors can increase blood flow to the penis, contributing to erections. A preliminary experiment suggested that foods like cinnamon buns had the desired effect. A later test of 31 men from ages 18 to 64 showed that the food odor that worked most powerfully was a combination of pumpkin pie and lavender. One might imagine that it suggests a combination of delicate femininity and robust domesticity. But then how to explain some of the other exciting odors like licorice and doughnut, or pumpkin pie and doughnut, Nos. 2 and 3 in order of stimulating effect. From mcafee Mon Apr 10 10:05:52 1995 Received: by eco.utexas.edu (4.1/1.34/ECO 1.1) id AA03920; Mon, 10 Apr 95 10:05:52 CDT Date: Mon, 10 Apr 95 10:05:52 CDT From: mcafee (R Preston McAfee) Message-Id: <9504101505.AA03920@eco.utexas.edu> To: joke-archive@eco.utexas.edu Subject: Recent News THIS JUST IN for 2 April 1995 Copyright 1995 by Randy Cassingham ------------------------------------------------------------------------ A 300-pound statue of the cherubic "Big Boy", the mascot of the Big Boy hamburger restaurant chain, was stolen from the front of a Toledo, Ohio outlet and hacked to pieces by 10 boys, who are now up on charges. Various "body parts" were found around town after the ...er... kidnapping, each with a note attached that said "Big Boy is Dead" (except for one that said "Big Boy is almost dead. Nevermind. Now he's dead.") and signed "Pimps of pimplyness." Why? "We were bored," said Tom Martinez, 18, the Gang of 10's spokesman. He noted the stunt "was a lot of fun," but "a pretty stupid thing to do." (AP) Eight men from Papua New Guinea on a five-hour boat trip ended up lost at sea for three months. Half of the crew died, but four lived through the ordeal, landing recently on Tuvalu. They survived by grabbing sharks out of the water and eating them. "We just grabbed them by the tail," one of the men said. (Reuter) A panel discussing extended space flight at Virginia Tech last week suggested that a private place be maintained for astronauts to socialize. "No doubt about it, if we do go to Mars, it's going to be a mixed crew," said Dwight Holland, one of the panelists. A trip to Mars and back would take several years. Former astronaut Jon McBride agreed: "It's going to be the most complicated thing we'll ever do in space flight," he said, presumably talking about the length of the mission, rather than how the crew would spend their off hours. Another panelist, who spent two years sealed in the "Biosphere II" experiment, agrees that privacy is essential. "Especially acoustical privacy," he said. (AP) Hamilton, N.J. pizza delivery man Ryan Kemble, 20, delivered more than just pizza, police say. Customers using a special order code could get marijuana delivered with their pies. Undercover officers managed to buy some pot from him, they say, but they waited until he finished his deliveries before arresting him. "We know what it's like to be waiting for that pizza to come," a police spokesman said. (Reuter) David Weeks, a psychologist from the University of Edinburgh, has been studying eccentrics for 10 years. His conclusion: oddballs are happier than regular people. And the best part: regular people can become eccentric if they work at it. "Why should we continue to groom ourselves properly and comport ourselves according to social convention while those who flout convention seem to be having the time of their life?" Weeks asks. The best way to start on the road to oddballality is to become unemployed -- eccentrics need a lot of leisure time, he says. (AP) Britain's Prince Charles has been promoting a new health drink made from herbs grown in his gardens, with proceeds going to a charity he set up. Don't like the idea of an organically grown health drink? "I'm sure you could add a drop of vodka," Charles suggests. The prince also admits that he likes to talk to plants, calling himself "potty and dotty". (Reuter) Barry Lyn Stoller, 38, wasn't satisfied with the results of his laxative, so he demanded a refund. But rather than refunding the $1.99 that Stoller paid for the product, Sandoz Corp. mailed the Seattle man a check for $98,002 -- Stoller's Zip Code. According to investigators, Stoller deposited the check, then cashed out his account when it didn't bounce. He also moved out of his apartment, leaving no forwarding address. A arrest warrant charging Stoller with first degree theft has been issued. (AP) Jessi Winchester is running in the "Mrs. Nevada" pageant, having won the "Mrs. Virginia City" competition. But critics complain that the 52-year-old grandmother isn't representative of Virginia City because of her profession: she's a prostitute at the Moonlight Bunny Ranch, a legal brothel. Supporters disagree: "She represents what this town and Nevada is all about. That's self-reliance, self- respect and independence," says Michael Winchester, her husband. (AP) NOW YOU TELL ME: "Ernie Pyle Died 50 Years Ago" -- AP headline From mcafee Mon Apr 10 19:14:53 1995 Received: by eco.utexas.edu (4.1/1.34/ECO 1.1) id AA29626; Mon, 10 Apr 95 19:14:53 CDT Date: Mon, 10 Apr 1995 19:14:53 -0500 (CDT) From: R Preston McAfee X-Sender: mcafee@mundo To: joke-archive@eco.utexas.edu Subject: Mostly Old Economics Jokes Message-Id: Mime-Version: 1.0 Content-Type: TEXT/PLAIN; charset=US-ASCII Man walking along a road in the countryside comes across a shepherd and a huge flock of sheep. Tells the shepherd, "I will bet you $100 against one of your sheep that I can tell you the exact number in this flock." The shepherd thinks it over; it's a big flock, so he takes the bet. "973," says the man. The shepherd is astonished because that is exactly right. Says "OK, I'm a man of my word, take an animal." Man picks one up and begins to walk away. "Wait," cries the shepherd, "let me have a chance to get even. Double or nothing that I can guess your exact occupation." Man says sure. "You are an economist for a government think tank," says the shepherd. "Amazing!" responds the man. "You are exactly right! But tell me, how did you deduce that?" "Well," says the shepherd, "put down my dog and I will tell you." _________________________________________________________________ Two men are flying in a captive balloon. The wind is ugly, they deviate from their course, and they have no idea where they are. So they go down to 20 m above ground and ask a passing wanderer, "Could you tell us where we are?" "You are in a balloon." So the one pilot says to the other: "The answer is perfectly right and absolutely useless. The man must be an economist" "Then you must be businessmen," answers the man. "That's right! How did you know?" "You have such a good view from where you are, and yet you don't know where you are!" _________________________________________________________________ Light bulb jokes are always in. . . Q: How many Chicago School economists does it take to change a light bulb? A: None. If the light bulb needed changing the market would have already done it. _________________________________________________________________ Q: How many mainstream economists does it take to change a light bulb? A: Two. One to change the bulb and one to assume the existence of ladders. _________________________________________________________________ Q: How many conservative economists does it take to change a light bulb? A1: None. The darkness will cause the light bulb to change by itself. A2: None. If the government would just leave it alone, it would screw itself in. The above light bulb jokes were stolen from an article in _The_Wharton_Journal_, Feb. 21, 1994, by Selena Maranjian, who undoubtedly pilfered the humor from someone else. Q: How many Boston U. M.A.'s does it take to change a light bulb? A: Only one, if you hire me. I can actually change the light bulb by myself. As you can see from my resume, I've had extensive experience changing light bulbs in my previous positions. I've also been named to the Boston Light Bulb list, and am presently a teaching assistant for Light Bulb Management 666. My only weakness is that I'm compulsive about changing light bulbs in my spare time. _________________________________________________________________ Q: How many B.U. doctoral students does it take to change a light bulb? A: I'm writing my dissertation on that topic; I should have an answer for you in about 5 years. _________________________________________________________________ Q:Why did God create economists? A:In order to make weather forecasters look good. _________________________________________________________________ An econometrician and an astrologer are arguing about their subjects. The astrologer says, "Astrology is more scientific. My predictions come out right half the time. Yours can't even reach that proportion." The econometrician replies, "That's because of external shocks. Stars don't have those." _________________________________________________________________ A totalitarian head of state requested an economist with one arm to advise the government. Why? Because he was tired of economists who say: "Well, on one hand... But on the other hand..." _________________________________________________________________ An economist is someone who didn't have enough personality to become an accountant. _________________________________________________________________ Q: What is a recent economics graduate's usual question in his first job? A: What would you like to have with your french fries, sir? _________________________________________________________________ A central banker walks into a pizzeria to order a pizza. When the pizza is done, he goes up to the counter to get it. There, a clerk asks him: "Should I cut it into six pieces or eight pieces?" The central banker replies: "I'm feeling rather hungry right now. You'd better cut it into eight pieces." _________________________________________________________________ Reproduced below is an Economist Joke that illustrates the separate facilities solution to an externality problem. Three guys decide to play a round of golf: a priest, a psychologist, and an economist. They get behind a *very* slow twosome, who, despite a caddy, are taking all day to line up their shots and four-putting every green, and so on. By the 8th hole, the three men are complaining loudly about the slow play ahead and swearing a blue streak. The priest says, "Holy Mary, I pray that they should take some lessons before they play again." The psychologist says, "I swear there are people that like to play golf slowly." The economist says, "I really didn't expect to spend this much time playing a round of golf." By the 9th hole, they have had it with the slow play, so the psychologist goes to the caddy and demands that they be allowed to play through. The caddy says OK, but then explains that the two golfers are blind, that both are retired firemen who lost their eyesight saving people in a fire, that that explains their slow play, and that would they please not swear and complain so loud. The priest is mortified; he says, "Here I am a man of the cloth and I've been swearing at the slow play of two blind men." The psychologist is also mortified; he says, "Here I am a man trained to help others with their problems, and I've been complaining about the slow play of two blind men." The economist ponders the situation. Finally, he goes back to the caddy and says, "Listen, the next time, could they play at night?" _________________________________________________________________ A physicist, a chemist and an economist are stranded on an island with nothing to eat. A can of soup washes ashore. The physicist says, "Let's smash the can open with a rock." The chemist says, "Let's build a fire and heat the can first." The economist says, "Let's assume that we have a can-opener..." _________________________________________________________________ Q: What's the difference between a finance major and an economics major? A: Opportunity Cost _________________________________________________________________ An economist, a philosopher, a biologist, and an architect were arguing about what was God's real profession. The philosopher said, "Well, first and foremost, God is a philosopher because he created the principles by which man is to live." "Ridiculous!" said the biologist. "Before that, God created man and woman and all living things, so clearly he was a biologist." "Wrong," said the architect. "Before that, he created the heavens and the earth. Before the earth, there was only complete confusion and chaos!" "Well," said the economist, "where do you think the chaos came from?" _________________________________________________________________ The First Law of Economists: For every economist, there exists an equal and opposite economist. The Second Law of Economists: They're both wrong. _________________________________________________________________ If all the economists were laid end to end... a) it would be a good thing b) they would be more comfortable c) they would never reach a conclusion d) all of the above e) none of the above _________________________________________________________________ Two economists are walking down the street. One sees a dollar lying on the sidewalk, and says so. "Obviously not," says the other. "If there were, someone would have picked it up!" _________________________________________________________________ We have 2 classes of forecasters: Those who don't know . . . and those who don't know they don't know. - John Kenneth Galbraith _________________________________________________________________ Murphy's law of economic policy: Economists have the least influence on policy where they know the most and are most agreed; they have the most influence on policy where they know the least and disagree most vehemently. - Alan S. Blinder _________________________________________________________________ Economists don't answer questions others make because they know what the answer is. They answer because they are asked. _________________________________________________________________ There is also a joke about the last May Day parade in the Soviet Union. After the tanks and the troops and the planes and the missiles rolled by, there came ten men dressed in black. "Are they spies?" asked Gorby. "They are economists," replied the KGB director. "Imagine the havoc they will wreak when we set them loose on the Americans." _________________________________________________________________ The mathematician's child and the economist's child were in the third grade together, and the teacher asked, "If one man with one shovel can dig a ditch in ten days, how long would it take ten men with ten shovels to dig the same ditch?" Both children raised their hands. The teacher said to the mathematician's child, "Johnny, how long?" Little Johnny said, "One day, teacher." The teacher looked at the economist's child and said, "John Maynard, is that right?" Little John Maynard said, "Teacher, it all depends..." _________________________________________________________________ Given 1000 economists, there will be 10 theoretical economists with different theories on how to change the light bulb and 990 empirical economists laboring to determine which theory is the *correct* one, and everyone will still be in the dark. From mcafee Tue Apr 11 07:58:31 1995 Received: by eco.utexas.edu (4.1/1.34/ECO 1.1) id AA15999; Tue, 11 Apr 95 07:58:31 CDT Date: Tue, 11 Apr 95 07:58:31 CDT From: mcafee (R Preston McAfee) Message-Id: <9504111258.AA15999@eco.utexas.edu> To: joke-archive@eco.utexas.edu Subject: Competent Defense From yesterday's Boston Globe: Miami: Sorcery has become so rampant at Miami's county courthouse that officials have created a "voodoo squad," whose job is to clean up dead chickens and goats, as well as corn, eggs and other items each morning. "Sometimes we find one chicken, sometimes we find three or four," said Raul Guasp, a courthouse maintenance man. "It all depends on who is on trial." Some of the defendants in Dade County are Cuban and Haitian natives who turn to spirits for a little help with their legal troubles. The squad canvasses the courthouse grounds early each morning to pick up dead animals, charms and other objects offered up by relatives of defendants. Courthouse officials said someone once released a white pigeon inside a courtroom. And in another, two dead lizards - their mouths tied shut with twine - were found during a break in a cocaine trial. Items commonly found include corn kernels, which are supposed to speed up a trial date; eggs, which make a case collapse; cakes, which sweeten a judge's attitude toward a defendant, and black pepper, to keep someone jailed. From mcafee Tue Apr 11 14:09:35 1995 Received: by eco.utexas.edu (4.1/1.34/ECO 1.1) id AA28710; Tue, 11 Apr 95 14:09:35 CDT Date: Tue, 11 Apr 95 14:09:35 CDT From: mcafee (R Preston McAfee) Message-Id: <9504111909.AA28710@eco.utexas.edu> To: joke-archive@eco.utexas.edu Subject: While we're here... WEST JORDAN, Utah--An argument between members of a family attending a funeral viewing erupted in gunfire Monday afternoon, killing a 32-year-old man. West Jordan Police Chief Ken McGuire said members of the extended family of Aaron Lee Greuber began arguing about the cause of his death and other funeral arrangements when a 32-year-old woman pulled a pistol and shot Terry Stewart, of Magna, to death about 1:30 PM (MT). The woman was taken into custody without incident at the Memorial Estates Funeral Home in West Jordan, a rural suburb 10 miles southwest of Salt Lake City. The chief did not know the exact relationships between the suspect, the slain man and Greuber. (From AP) ______________________________________________________________ Thanks to Leonardo Auernheimer From mcafee Tue Apr 18 10:46:40 1995 Received: by eco.utexas.edu (4.1/1.34/ECO 1.1) id AA25041; Tue, 18 Apr 95 10:46:40 CDT Date: Tue, 18 Apr 95 10:46:40 CDT From: mcafee (R Preston McAfee) Message-Id: <9504181546.AA25041@eco.utexas.edu> To: joke-archive@eco.utexas.edu Subject: This Week's News. THIS JUST IN for 9 April 1995 A South African Airways jet carrying 300 passengers from England to South Africa had to turn back and make an emergency landing. Flatulence from 72 stud pigs in its cargo hold set off a fire alarm, causing the automatic release of fire-suppressing halon gas -- which suffocated 15 of the pigs. The "prize" pigs were on the passenger plane because passenger flights are "less traumatic than going on a freighter flight," an airline spokesman said. (Reuter) Anath Patwardhan, a farmer in southern India, has had a long- standing problem with wild pigs damaging his crops. He used to beat drums to scare them away, but he recently found another method that is even more effective: he merely plays tapes of Michael Jackson music over loudspeakers in his fields. (Reuter) A robber burst through the door and yelled "Gimmie your money!" When his demand was met by laughter, he stopped to reconsider. "This ain't a bank anymore?" the robber asked. No, he was told, the Columbia, Tenn., bank branch had closed last summer and was now an insurance office. Undaunted, the robber took $127 from the two employees in the office. (AP) Researchers at the University of Sussex and London's City University are working to find out what general things people find disgusting. There was a clear gender difference -- "females exhibited significantly higher scores on all categories except gastroenteric products," the researchers said, pointing out that women can deal with (for instance) baby vomit better than men can, though men can better handle worms and such. (Reuter) Warren E. Smith of Roanoke, Va., has sued Lola Rose Miller, better known as palm reader "Miss Stella", for not giving him the winning lottery numbers that she promised. The suit asks for $3 million (for the jackpot he would have won), plus $350,000 for punitive damages and actual losses of $75,724 that he paid for Miller's fees and losing lottery tickets. Miller is already serving a one-year sentence for cheating other customers. (AP) Fined $100,000 by the Federal Communications Commission for repeated violations of a rule limiting the number of commercials that can be shown during children's programs, WSEE-TV of Erie, Pa., blamed faulty computer programming for the problem. "It was always an accident," the station's manager said. The FCC noted the violation was repeated more than 200 times. The station plans to pay the fine without an appeal. (AP) From mcafee Tue Apr 18 17:46:21 1995 Received: by eco.utexas.edu (4.1/1.34/ECO 1.1) id AA11771; Tue, 18 Apr 95 17:46:21 CDT Date: Tue, 18 Apr 95 17:46:21 CDT From: mcafee (R Preston McAfee) Message-Id: <9504182246.AA11771@eco.utexas.edu> To: joke-archive@eco.utexas.edu Subject: Public Service Announcement: New Virus > 4/14/95 > 7:53 AM > FWD>F.Y.I. New Computer Virus > > There is a computer virus that is being sent across the Internet. If you > receive an e-mail message with the subject line "Good Times", DO NOT read > the message, DELETE it immediately. Please read the messages below. > > Some miscreant is sending e-mail under the title "good times"nation-wide. > If you get anything like this, DON'T > DOWNLOAD THE FILE! It has a virus that rewrites your hard drive, > obliterating anything on it. Please be careful and forward this mail to > anyone you care about. > > Date: 12/2/94 11:59 AM > > Subject: INTERNET VIRUS > > Thought you might like to know... > > The FCC released a warning last Wednesday concerning a matter of major > importance to any regular user of the InterNet. Apparently, a new computer > virus has been engineered by a user of America Online that is unparalleled > in its destructive capability. Other, more well-known viruses such as > Stoned, Airwolf, and Michaelangelo pale in comparison > to the prospects of this newest creation by a warped mentality. > > What makes this virus so terrifying, said the FCC, is the fact that no > program needs to be exchanged for a new computer to be infected. It can be > spread through the existing e-mail systems of the InterNet. Once a > computer > is infected, one of several things can happen. If the computer contains a > hard drive, that will most likely be destroyed. > If the program is not stopped, the computer's processor will be placed in > an nth-complexity infinite binary loop - which can severely damage the > processor if left running that way too long. Unfortunately, most novice > computer users will not realize what is happening until it is far too late. > > Luckily, there is one sure means of detecting what is now known as the > "Good > Times" virus. It always travels to new computers the same way in a text > e-mail message with the subject line reading simply "Good Times". Avoiding > infection is easy once the file has been received - not reading it. The > act of loading the file into the mail server's ASCII buffer > causes the "Good Times" mainline program to initialize and execute. The > program is highly intelligent - it will send copies of itself to everyone > whose e-mail address is contained in a received-mail file or a sent- mail > file, if it can find one. It will then proceed to trash the computer it is > running on. > > The bottom line here is - if you receive a file with the subject line "Good > TImes", delete it immediately! Do not read it! Rest assured that > whoever's name was on the "From:" line was surely struck by the virus. > > Warn your friends and local system users of this newest threat to the > InterNet! It could save them a lot of time and money. ::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::: Don McClelland Director, Information Systems From mcafee Thu Apr 20 10:26:19 1995 Received: by eco.utexas.edu (4.1/1.34/ECO 1.1) id AA12293; Thu, 20 Apr 95 10:26:19 CDT Date: Thu, 20 Apr 95 10:26:19 CDT From: mcafee (R Preston McAfee) Message-Id: <9504201526.AA12293@eco.utexas.edu> To: joke-archive@eco.utexas.edu Subject: Hoax There is substantial empirical evidence, in the form of hundreds of emails arriving daily on the subject, that the good times virus is a hoax. I am embarrassed to report that it's an old hoax as well, which I missed the first time around. Sorry about that. I should have noticed that > If the program is not stopped, the computer's processor will be placed in > an nth-complexity infinite binary loop - which can severely damage the > processor if left running that way too long. could only make sense for Pentiums running in notebook computers (which have been known to overheat). The nth complexity infinite binary loop reminds me of Mr. Spock, of Startrek, who described something as large by saying it was "one to the fourth power" as big. From mcafee Thu Apr 20 23:42:43 1995 Received: by eco.utexas.edu (4.1/1.34/ECO 1.1) id AA00504; Thu, 20 Apr 95 23:42:43 CDT Date: Thu, 20 Apr 95 23:42:43 CDT From: mcafee (R Preston McAfee) Message-Id: <9504210442.AA00504@eco.utexas.edu> To: joke-archive@eco.utexas.edu Subject: Thinking Ahead I thought you might like this recent note on how things are going for our intrepid astronaut, Norman Thagard, now serving on Russia's Mir space station: Since he arrived on the nine-year-old space station March 14, Thagard has conducted a number of experiments, including metabolic studies of himself and his two Mir 18 crewmates, commander Vladimir Dezhurov and Gennady Strekalov. During those studies, he said during an April 12 news conference from Mir, the trio collected about 3 gallons of urine. After they had done so, "it was apparent we had not thought about how we were going to store the urine," Thagard said. He added that "we're constantly looking for places to stow trash," noting that the crewmembers face the problem every time they consume the contents of a food package. He concluded by noting that when they look for equipment or supplies, they "have to consult the computer or ask the person on board who stowed that equipment to tell you where it is located. Sometimes we have to call the ground and the ground has to call crews from previous flights and then call us back to tell us where things are located." - From Avaition Week & Space Technology, 4/17/95 From mcafee Fri Apr 21 01:16:26 1995 Received: by eco.utexas.edu (4.1/1.34/ECO 1.1) id AA01817; Fri, 21 Apr 95 01:16:26 CDT Date: Fri, 21 Apr 95 01:16:26 CDT Message-Id: <9504210616.AA01817@eco.utexas.edu> From: mcafee To: joke-archive@eco.utexas.edu Subject: Exploding Cow This may not work on your system. If you are on a unix system, save the email to a file named, say, cow, then type cat cow That works on my system pretty well. I thank Dereka Rushbrook for forwarding it to me. It came with the command below, that didn't work on my system. Subj: Type ext tt at the prompt and watch the cow explode!!! [?25l ) )     ***********************************(0kwl(B********************************** _) o) /    __) oo) \/ | | ~ (__) (oo) -\/ || /\ ~~  (__)  (oo) --\/  || -||  ~~  (__)  (oo) ---\/  || --/\  ~~  (__)  (oo) ----\/  || ---||  ~~  (__)  (oo) -----\/  || \---/\ ~ ~~  (__)  (oo) ------\/ | || ||---|| ~~ ~~  (__)  (oo) /------\/  | ||  /\---/\  ~~ ~~  (__)  (oo)  /------\/ / | ||  ||---||  ~~ ~~  (__)  (oo)  /------\/  / | || * /\---/\  ~~ ~~   (__)  (oo)  /------\/  / | ||  * ||---||  ~~ ~~  (__)  (oo)  /------\/  / | ||  * /\---/\  ~~ ~~  (__)  (oo)  /------\/  / | ||  * ||---||  ~~ ~~  (__)  (oo)  /------\/  / | ||  * /\---/\  ~~ ~~  (__)  (oo)  /------\/  / | ||  * ||---||  ~~ ~~  (__)  (oo)  /------\/  / | ||  * /\---/\  ~~ ~~  (__)  (oo)  /------\/  / | ||  * ||---||  ~~ ~~  (__)  (oo)  /------\/  / | ||  * /\---/\  ~~ ~~  (__)  (oo)  /------\/  / | ||  * ||---||  ~~ ~~  (__)  (oo)  /------\/  / | ||  * /\---/\  ~~ ~~  (__)  (oo)  /------\/  / | ||  * ||---||  ~~ ~~  (__)  (oo)  /------\/  / | ||  * /\---/\  ~~ ~~  (__)  (oo)  /------\/  / | ||  * ||---||  ~~ ~~  (__)  (oo)  /------\/  / | ||  * /\---/\  ~~ ~~  (__)  (oo)  /------\/  / | ||  * ||---||  ~~ ~~  (__)  (oo)  /------\/  / | ||  * /\---/\  ~~ ~~  (__)  (oo)  /------\/  / | ||  * ||---||  ~~ ~~  (__)  (oo)  /------\/  / | ||  * /\---/\  ~~ ~~  (__)  (oo)  /------\/  / | ||  * ||---||  ~~ ~~ A Cow|V                        A Cow|V                        A Cow|V                                  //Moo..                        //Moo..                        //Moo..                        V|A landmine.                        V|A landmine.                        V|A landmine.               (__)  (oo)  /------\/  / | ||  * /\---/\  ~~ ~~  (__)  (oo)  /------\/  / | ||  * ||---||  ~~ ~~  (__)  (oo)  /------\/  / | ||  * /\---/\  ~~ ~~  (__)  (oo)  /------\/  / | ||  * ||---||  ~~ ~~  (__)  (oo)  /------\/  / | ||  * /\---/\  ~~ ~~  (__)  (oo)  /------\/  / | ||  * ||---||  ~~ ~~  (__)  (oo)  /------\/  / | ||  * /\---/\  ~~ ~~ #3Exploding Cow #4Exploding Cow  (__)  (oo)  /------\/  / | ||  * ||---||  ~~ ~~ \|/ [?5h \ | / \|/ \***/ \|/ \* * */ \|/ [?5l  (__) | (@@)  \/ --\ \**|**/ / / * [?5h  (__)  (xx)  \/ \**|**/ \**|**/  | | * ~~ * * ~~ // *-----*\ [?5l  (__)  (xx)  \/  | | *   \ [?5h  (__)  (xx)  \/ | | * [?5l  (__)  (xx)  \/ /-----/  | | * [?5h  (__)  (xx)  \/  | | *  ~~ -------\\ [?5l  (__)  (xx)  \/  \ \ *    *|*  (__)  (xx)  \/    --*  |  //------\\  (__)  (xx)  \/   --*  ##------## //------\\    (__)  (xx)  \/  *** #3Exploded Cow #4Exploded Cow                           #5 #5  __  \  \___,  | _______|  ( ) $ |__ [ \  \___,  | ________|  ( ) ~$ ||__  [ \  \___,  | 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Food | [ \  Service | \___,  | | ____________|__________| ( )( ) ( )* ______________~ $  |_||__  Kagin Food | [ \  Service | \___,  | | _____________|__________|  ( )( ) -( ) _______________ ~$ | |_||__ | Kagin Food | [ \ | Service | \___, | | | |_____________|__________|  ( )( ) --( )  _______________~ $  | |_||__  | Kagin Food | [ \  | Service | \___,  | | |  |_____________|__________|  ( )( ) --*( )  _______________ ~$  | |_||__  | Kagin Food | [ \  | Service | \___,  | | |  |_____________|__________|  ( )( ) --* ( )  _______________~ $  | |_||__  | Kagin Food | [ \  | Service | \___,  | | |  |_____________|__________|  ( )( ) --* ( )  _______________ ~$  | |_||__  | Kagin Food | [ \  | Service | \___,  | | |  |_____________|__________|  ( )( ) --* ( )  _______________~ $  | |_||__  | Kagin Food | [ \  | Service | \___,  | | |  |_____________|__________|  ( )( ) --* ( )  _______________ ~$  | |_||__  | Kagin Food | [ \  | Service | \___,  | | |  |_____________|__________|  ( )( ) 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| | |  |_____________|__________|  ( )( ) ##--( )--## ~ \/  _______________~ $  | |_||__  | Kagin Food | [ \  | Service | \___,  | | |  |_____________|__________|  ( )( ) ##---( )-## ~ \/  _______________ ~$  | |_||__  | Kagin Food | [ \  | Service | \___,  | | |  |_____________|__________|  -( )( ) ##----( )## ~ \/  _______________~ $  | |_||__  | Kagin Food | [ \  | Service | \___,  | | |  |_____________|__________|  --( )( ) ##-----( )# ~ \/  _______________ ~$  | |_||__  | Kagin Food | [ \  | Service | \___,  | | |  |_____________|__________| --*( )( ) ##------( ) ~ \/  _______________~ $  | |_||__  | Kagin Food | [ \  | Service | \___,  | | |  |_____________|__________| -* ( )( ) ##-------( ) ~ \/  _______________ ~$  | |_||__  | Kagin Food | [ \  | Service | \___,  | | |  |_____________|__________| * ( )( ) ##-------#( )~ \/  _______________~ $  | |_||__  | Kagin Food | [ \  | Service | \___,  | | |  |_____________|__________|  ( )( )##-------##( ) \/ ~    ~  ~    ~  ~    ~  ~    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******************************************************************************** I hope you enjoyed this pleasant cow experience. > >**************************************************************************** -- san@soda.Berkeley.EDU svuong@uclink.Berkeley.EDU _/_/_/_/ _/_/_/_/ _/ _/ _/ _/ _/ _/_/ _/ _/_/_/_/ _/_/_/_/ _/ _/ _/ | Remember, the enemy's gate _/ _/ _/ _/ _/_/ | is DOWN. _/_/_/_/ _/ _/ _/ __/ -- Ender Wiggin From mcafee Mon Apr 24 07:17:57 1995 Received: by eco.utexas.edu (4.1/1.34/ECO 1.1) id AA08846; Mon, 24 Apr 95 07:17:57 CDT Date: Mon, 24 Apr 95 07:17:57 CDT From: mcafee (R Preston McAfee) Message-Id: <9504241217.AA08846@eco.utexas.edu> To: joke-archive@eco.utexas.edu Subject: Last Week's News The Church of England's Easter advertising campaign featured a new slogan: "Surprise! said Jesus to his friends three days after they buried him." Gone is the cross, which "carries too much cultural baggage," said Rev. Robert Ellis of the church-owned Advertising Network, which produced the ads. The Church created the ad posters to bring in people who normally don't come to Easter services, and were not aimed at "the one or two theologically literate who could critique it," spokesman Rev. Martin Short said. (AP) Brooklyn Heights, Ohio, police arrested Brian Dawson on traffic charges. While changing into a jail uniform, a boa constrictor slid out of his underwear. Dawson insisted the snake was a pet that he was just trying to keep warm, but Peggy Alison, the owner of a pet store in nearby Parma, recognized the snake when it was shown on TV news as one that had been stolen from her store. (AP) This guy sends out news stories once per week; I forward on a portion of them. If you would like to obtain the full list, here's how to do it: TO RECEIVE "THIS JUST IN" every week free by e-mail, send e-mail to listserv@netcom.com with the message: "subscribe this-just-in" (without quotes) -- please, nothing else on the line. To UNSUBSCRIBE or for HELP subscribing, e-mail this-just-in-approval@netcom.com; a human will help you. From mcafee Thu Apr 27 08:33:10 1995 Received: by eco.utexas.edu (4.1/1.34/ECO 1.1) id AA09877; Thu, 27 Apr 95 08:33:10 CDT Date: Thu, 27 Apr 95 08:33:10 CDT From: mcafee (R Preston McAfee) Message-Id: <9504271333.AA09877@eco.utexas.edu> To: joke-archive@eco.utexas.edu Subject: Constructing Deconstructionism How to Speak and Write Postmodern by Stephen Katz Postmodernism has been the buzzword in academics for the last decade. Books, journal articles, conference themes and university courses have resounded to the debates about postmodernism that focus on the uniqueness of our times, where computerization, the global economy and the media have irrevocably transformed all forms of social engagement. As a professor of sociology who teaches about culture, I include myself in this environment. Indeed, I have a great interest in postmodernism both as an intellectual movement and as a practical problem. In my experience there seems to be a gulf between those who see the postmodern turn as a neo-conservative reupholstering of the same old corporate trappings, and those who see it as a long overdue break with modernist doctrines in education, aesthetics and politics. Of course there are all kinds of positions in between, depending upon how one sorts out the optimum route into the next millennium. However, I think the real gulf is not so much positional as linguistic. Posture can be as important as politics when it comes to the intelligentsia. In other words, it may be less important whether or not you like postmodernism than whether or not you can speak and write postmodernism. Perhaps you would like to join in conversation with your local mandarins of cultural theory and all-purpose deep thinking, but you don't know what to say. Or, when you do contribute something you consider relevant, even insightful, you get ignored or looked at with pity. Here is a quick guide, then, to speaking and writing postmodern. First, you need to remember that plainly expressed language is out of the question. It is too realist, modernist and obvious. Postmodern language requires that one uses play, parody and indeterminacy as critical techniques to point this out. Often this is quite a difficult requirement, so obscurity is a well-acknowledged substitute. For example, let's imagine you want to say something like, "We should listen to the views of people outside of Western society in order to learn about the cultural biases that affect us". This is honest but dull. Take the word "views". Postmodernspeak would change that to "voices", or better, "vocalities", or even better, "multivocalities". Add an adjective like "intertextual", and you're covered. "People outside" is also too plain. How about "postcolonial others". To speak postmodern properly one must master a bevy of biases besides the familiar racism, sexism, ageism, etc. For example, phallogocentricism (male-centredness combined with rationalistic forms of binary logic). Finally "affect us" sounds like plaid pajamas. Use more obscure verbs and phrases, like "mediate our identities". So, the final statement should say, "We should listen to the intertextual, multivocalities of postcolonial others outside of Western culture in order to learn about the phallogocentric biases that mediate our identities". Now you're talking postmodern! Sometimes you might be in a hurry and won't have the time to muster even the minimum number of postmodern synonyms and neologisms needed to avoid public disgrace. Remember, saying the wrong thing is acceptable if you say it the right way. This brings me to a second important strategy in speaking postmodern, which is to use as many suffices, prefixes, hyphens, slashes, underlinings and anything else your computer (an absolute must to write postmodern) can dish out. You can make a quick reference chart to avoid time delays. Make three columns. In column A put your prefixes; post-, hyper-, pre-, de-, dis-, re-, ex-, and counter-. In column B go your suffixes and related endings; -ism, -itis, -iality, -ation, -itivity, and -tricity. In column C add a series of well-respected names that make for impressive adjectives or schools of thought, for example, Barthes (Barthesian), Foucault (Foucauldian, Foucauldianism), Derrida (Derridean, Derrideanism). Now for the test. You want to say or write something like, "Contemporary buildings are alienating". This is a good thought, but, of course, a non- starter. You wouldn't even get offered a second round of crackers and cheese at a conference reception with such a line. In fact, after saying this, you might get asked to stay and clean up the crackers and cheese after the reception. Go to your three columns. First, the prefix. Pre- is useful, as is post-, or several prefixes at once is terrific. Rather than "contemporary buildings", be creative. "The Pre/post/spacialities of counter-architectural hyper-contemporaneity" is promising. You would have to drop the weak and dated term "alienating" with some well suffixed words from column B. How about "antisociality", or be more postmodern and introduce ambiguity with the linked phrase, "antisociality/seductivity". Now, go to column C and grab a few names whose work everyone will agree is important and hardly anyone has had the time or the inclination to read. Continental European theorists are best when in doubt. I recommend the sociologist Jean Baudrillard since he has written a great deal of difficult material about postmodern space. Don't forget to make some mention of gender. Finally, add a few smoothing out words to tie the whole garbled mess together and don't forget to pack in the hyphens, slashes and parentheses. What do you get? "Pre/post/spacialities of counter-architectural hyper-contemporaneity (re)commits us to an ambivalent recurrentiality of antisociality/seductivity, one enunciated in a de/gendered-Baudrillardian discourse of granulated subjectivity". You should be able to hear a postindustrial pin drop on the retrocultural floor. At some point someone may actually ask you what you're talking about. This risk faces all those who would speak postmodern and must be carefully avoided. You must always give the questioner the impression that they have missed the point, and so send another verbose salvo of postmodernspeak in their direction as a "simplification" or "clarification" of your original statement. If that doesn't work, you might be left with the terribly modernist thought of, "I don't know". Don't worry, just say, "The instability of your question leaves me with several contradictorily layered responses whose interconnectivity cannot express the logocentric coherency you seek. I can only say that reality is more uneven and its (mis)representations more untrustworthy than we have time here to explore". Any more questions? No, then pass the cheese and crackers. Stephen Katz, Associate Professor, Sociology, Trent University ----------------------------Original message---------------------------- Stephen Katz, whom I had to good fortune to meet at a conference at Minneapolis in April last year, sent me this piece which he wrote parodying postmodernism. He called his e-mail message 'warning: this is a joke!' for obvious reasons. From mcafee Wed May 3 15:09:58 1995 Received: by eco.utexas.edu (4.1/1.34/ECO 1.1) id AA22735; Wed, 3 May 95 15:09:58 CDT Date: Wed, 3 May 95 15:09:58 CDT From: mcafee (R Preston McAfee) Message-Id: <9505032009.AA22735@eco.utexas.edu> To: joke-archive@eco.utexas.edu Subject: mildy humorous You just might be a grad student if: ...you can identify universities by their internet domains. ...you are constantly looking for a thesis in novels. ...you have difficulty reading anything that doesn't have footnotes. ...you understand jokes about Foucault. ...the concept of free time scares you. ...you consider caffeine to be a major food group. ...you've ever brought books with you on vacation and actually studied. ...Saturday nights spent studying no longer seem weird. ...the professor doesn't show up to class, and you discuss the readings anyway. ...you've ever travelled across two state lines specifically to go to a library. ...you appreciate the fact that you get to choose *which* twenty hours out of the day you have to work. ...you still feel guilty about giving students low grades (you'll get over it). ...you can read course books and cook at the same time. ...you schedule events for academic vacations so your friends can come. ...you hope it snows during spring break so you can get more studying in. ...you've ever worn out a library card. ...you find taking notes in a park relaxing. ...you find yourself citing sources in conversation. ...you've ever sent a personal letter with footnotes. ...you feel compelled to redo all empirical studies you read (just to make sure these people know what they are talking about) To which I'd add: Your knowledge of world events is limited to Saturday Night Live. As far as you know, beer only comes in pitchers. You can't remeber ordering something other than pizza in a restaurant. You consider it cooking if you toast the bagel. No one except other students in your classes understand anything you say. You can't fall asleep because the birds have startee chirping. You've purchased the economy box of 100 spiral notebooks. Formal attire means tucking in your shirt. You have to climb over your bed to get to your desk. Your sofa cost less than $20 - and you move it to your new apartment. From mcafee Thu May 4 05:25:08 1995 Received: by eco.utexas.edu (4.1/1.34/ECO 1.1) id AA12656; Thu, 4 May 95 05:25:08 CDT Date: Thu, 4 May 1995 05:25:07 -0500 (CDT) From: R Preston McAfee X-Sender: mcafee@mundo To: joke-archive@eco.utexas.edu Subject: Getting into Heaven Message-Id: Mime-Version: 1.0 Content-Type: TEXT/PLAIN; charset=US-ASCII Three men stand before St. Peter awaiting admission into Heaven. However, St. Peter has been informed that Heaven will only admit 33% of applicants today. The admissions standard: Who died the worst death? So St. Peter takes each of the three men aside in turn and asks them about how they died. First man: "I'd been suspecting for a long time that my wife was cheating on me. I decided to come home early from work one afternoon and check to see if I could catch her in the act. When I got back to my apartment, I heard the water running. My wife was in the shower. I looked everywhere for the guy, but couldn't find anyone or any trace that he had been there. But the last place I looked was out on the balcony. I found the bastard hanging from the edge, trying to get back in! So I started jumping up and down on his hands, and he yelled, but he didn't fall. So I ran inside and got a hammer, and crushed his fingers with it until he fell twenty-five floors screaming in agony. But the fall didn't kill the asshole - he landed in the bushes! So I dragged the refrigerator from the kitchen (it weighed about a ton), pulled it to the balcony, and hurled it over the edge. It landed right on the guy and killed him. But then I felt so horrible about what I had done, I went back into the bedroom and shot myself." St. Peter nodded slowly as the man recounted the story. Then, telling the first man to wait, he took the second aside. Second man: "I lived on the twenty-seventh floor of this apartment building. I had just purchased this book on morning exercises and was practicing them on my balcony, enjoying the sunshine, when I lost my balance and fell off the edge. Luckily, I only fell about two floors before grabbing another balcony and holding on for dear life. I was trying to pull myself up when this guy came running onto what must have been his balcony and started jumping up and down on my hands. I screamed in pain, but he seemed really irate. When he finally stopped, I tried to pull myself up again, but he comes out with this hammer and smashes my fingers to a pulp! I fell, and I thought I was dead, but I landed in the bushes. I couldn't believe my second stroke of luck, but it didn't last - the last thing I saw was this enormous refrigerator falling from the building and crushing me." St. Peter comforted the man, who seemed to have several broken bones. Then he told him to wait, and turned to the third man. Third man: "Picture this. You're hiding, naked, in a refrigerator..." From mcafee Fri May 5 23:34:04 1995 Received: by eco.utexas.edu (4.1/1.34/ECO 1.1) id AA22715; Fri, 5 May 95 23:34:04 CDT Date: Fri, 5 May 95 23:34:04 CDT From: mcafee (R Preston McAfee) Message-Id: <9505060434.AA22715@eco.utexas.edu> To: joke-archive@eco.utexas.edu Subject: Compensating Differentials The best graffiti I ever saw was at Purdue, where someone had written "Sex kills. Move to Indiana and live forever." I was reminded of this by a joke told by Curt Taylor: A man arrives home after work to find his wife packing her suitcase. "Where are you going?" he asks her. "To Las Vegas," she answers. "I just found out that women there get $400 for what I've been giving you for free all these years." The man pulls his suitcase out of the closet and starts to pack. "Where are you going?" asks his wife. "To Las Vegas," he replies. "I want to see how you can live there on $800 per year." From mcafee Mon May 8 07:49:59 1995 Received: by eco.utexas.edu (4.1/1.34/ECO 1.1) id AA06309; Mon, 8 May 95 07:49:59 CDT Date: Mon, 8 May 95 07:49:59 CDT From: mcafee (R Preston McAfee) Message-Id: <9505081249.AA06309@eco.utexas.edu> To: joke-archive@eco.utexas.edu Subject: News A statue of a "land grandfather" god stolen from a Taoist temple in Taipei has been offered back for a $50,000 ransom. The thief also advised the temple not to contact the police. "What is he going to do, kill the god?" a temple spokesman said after calling the police anyway. He said the ransom would not be paid. "Hell, with $50,000 we can buy 10 gods." (Reuter) May 25 to 27, Hong Kong's Cultural Centre will host the International Symposium on Public Toilets. But that's not all: "As part of the symposium, the overseas visitors will be taken on a tour of some local toilets on May 27," an official announcement said. (Reuter) Paul Armstrong proposed to Connie Norman. The London man had "Connie will you marry me?" tattooed on his rear end, asked her to give him a massage, then waited until she found the question. Good thing she agreed. "I don't know what I'd have done if she gave me the bum's rush," Armstrong said. Norman plans to have "Yes" tattooed on her rear as a response. (Reuter) The tabloid TV show "American Journal" wanted to show how easy it is to buy the components of a bomb like the one used in Oklahoma City by renting two vans and anonymously trying to buy nitrate fertilizer. But a dealer in Hightstown, N.J., suspicious of city slickers buying fertilizer, refused to sell the men a ton and called police. Later, police in Carteret investigated two suspicious vans, found 500 lbs. of fertilizer, and hauled the two in for questioning. A computer check of the vans' license plates linked the duo to the earlier incident. "We were operating within the law to produce an investigative report on this issue of national importance," a senior producer explained. (AP) From mcafee Mon May 8 16:58:52 1995 Received: by eco.utexas.edu (4.1/1.34/ECO 1.1) id AA07777; Mon, 8 May 95 16:58:52 CDT Date: Mon, 8 May 95 16:58:52 CDT From: mcafee (R Preston McAfee) Message-Id: <9505082158.AA07777@eco.utexas.edu> To: joke-archive@eco.utexas.edu These come from pkm@etla.fi, who has a WWW page of economist jokes. Most of them are just lawyer jokes with economists substituted and I have edited out most of these, as well as ones I already sent out, and some that were tedious. Economics is the only field in which two people can get a Nobel Prize for saying exactly the opposite thing. __________________________________________________________________________ A mathematician, an accountant and an economist apply for the same job. Then the interviewer calls in the accountant and asks the same question "What do two plus two equal?" The accountant says "On average, four - give or take ten percent, but on average, four." The interviewer calls in the mathematician and asks "What do two plus two equal?" The mathemetician replies "Four." The interviewer asks "Four, exactly?" The mathematician looks at the interviewer incredulously and says "Yes, four, exactly." Then the interviewer calls in the accountant and asks the same question "What do two plus two equal?" The accountant says "On average, four - give or take ten percent, but on average, four." Then the interviewer calls in the economist and poses the same question "What do two plus two equal?" The economist gets up, locks the door, closes the shade, sits down next to the interviewer and says "What do you want it to equal?" __________________________________________________________________________ Three econometricians went out hunting, and came across a large deer. The first econometrician fired, but missed, by a metre to the left. The second econometrician fired, but also missed, by a metre to the right. The third econometrician didn't fire, but shouted in triumph, "We got it! We got it!" __________________________________________________________________________ Three economists and three mathematicians were going for a trip by train. Before journey mathematicians bought 3 tickets (they could count to three) and economists only one. Mathematicians were glad their stupid colleagues were going to pay a fine. Hovewer when the conductor was approaching their compartment, all three economists went to the nearest toilet. Conductor noticing that somebody is in the loo knocked to the door and in reply saw a hand with the ticket. He checked it and economists saved 2/3 of the ticket price. Next day mathematicians decided to use the same strategy- they bought only one ticket, but economists did not buy tickets at all. When mathematicians saw conductor they went to the loo, and when they heard knocking they handed in the ticket. They did not get it back. Why? The economists took it and went to the other toilet. __________________________________________________________________________ Q:Why did God create economists ? A:In order to make weather forecasters look good. [There's no hope for seismologists...] __________________________________________________________________________ Three leading economists took a small plane to the wilderness in northern Canada to hunt moose over the weekend. The last thing the pilot said was , remember, this is a very small plane and you will only be able to bring ONE moose back. But of course, they killed one each and come sunday, they talked the pilot into letting them bring all three dead moose onboard. So just after takeoff, the plane stalled and crashed. In the wreckage, one of the economists woke up, looked around and said. where the hell are we. Oh, just about a hundred yards east of the place there we crashed last year. __________________________________________________________________________ Economics is extremely useful as a form of employment for economists. __________________________________________________________________________ An economist, a philosopher, a biologist, and an architect were were arguing about what was God's real profession. The philosopher said, "Well, first and foremost, God is a philosopher because he created the principles by which man is to live." "Ridiculous!" said the biologist "Before that, God created man and woman and all living things so clearly he was a biologist." "Wrong," said the architect. "Before that, he created the heavens and the earth. Before the earth, there was only complete confusion and chaos!" "Well," said the economist, "where do you think the chaos came from?" __________________________________________________________________________ "Murphys law of economic policy": Economists have the least influence on policy where they know the most and are most agreed; they have the most influence on policy where they know the least and disagree most vehemently. - Alan S. Blinder __________________________________________________________________________ A study of economics usually reveals that the best time to buy anything is last year. -Marty Allen __________________________________________________________________________ If all economists were laid end to end they would not reach a conclusion. -George Bernard Shaw __________________________________________________________________________ If you put two economists in a room, you get two opinions, unless one of them is Lord Keynes, in which case you get three opinions. -Winston Churchill __________________________________________________________________________ A sure fire way to determine if someone is an economist: Ask the suspect "what's the difference between ignorance and indifference?" If the reply is "I don't know and I don't care" you can be pretty sure its an economist. __________________________________________________________________________ Santa Claus, the tooth fairy, a practical economist, and an old drunk are walking down the street together when they simultaneously spot a hundred dollar bill. Who gets it? The old drunk, of course, the other three are mythological creatures. __________________________________________________________________________ Source: Pasi Kuoppamaki / pkm@etla.fi From mcafee Mon May 15 10:52:21 1995 Received: by eco.utexas.edu (4.1/1.34/ECO 1.1) id AA23319; Mon, 15 May 95 10:52:21 CDT Date: Mon, 15 May 95 10:52:21 CDT From: mcafee (R Preston McAfee) Message-Id: <9505151552.AA23319@eco.utexas.edu> To: joke-archive@eco.utexas.edu Subject: You Don't Even Need to Cook it Researchers at the Savannah River (S.C.) Ecology Laboratory have suggested how low-level nuclear waste at weapons sites might be cleaned up: feed it to chickens. The chickens' high metabolism burns off the waste, the researchers say, and after removal from the site and feeding the chickens non-contaminated food for 10 days, any leftover radiation in their bodies is eliminated. Would the meat sell? "If that meat is cheaper and you call it radioactively cleaned meat and you put it on the shelf for half price, I bet people in this country would eat it," one of the researchers claims. (AP) From mcafee Tue May 16 23:10:45 1995 Received: by eco.utexas.edu (4.1/1.34/ECO 1.1) id AA17631; Tue, 16 May 95 23:10:45 CDT Date: Tue, 16 May 95 23:10:45 CDT From: mcafee (R Preston McAfee) Message-Id: <9505170410.AA17631@eco.utexas.edu> To: joke-archive@eco.utexas.edu Subject: Alluring Names The following are terms for lures from the Washington Post's fishing column. Brown Rabbit Hair Zonkers Rat-L-Traps Black Wooly Buggers Yellow Deer Hair Bugs Luhr Jensen Hot-Lips crankbaits Bomber Fire Tiger crankbaits Pig-N-Jig combinations Berkley Power Worms Rebel Humpy's Sassy Shad Clam Snouts From mcafee Tue May 23 17:05:29 1995 Received: by eco.utexas.edu (4.1/1.34/ECO 1.1) id AA16373; Tue, 23 May 95 17:05:29 CDT Date: Tue, 23 May 95 17:05:29 CDT From: mcafee (R Preston McAfee) Message-Id: <9505232205.AA16373@eco.utexas.edu> To: joke-archive@eco.utexas.edu Subject: German Humor The following is from The Big Issue: "One of the primary reasons cat flaps are called cat flaps is that they're flaps specifically designed for cats, as opposed to dogs, or giraffes, or humans. All of this became abundantly clear to teenager Jason Evans, of Eastleigh, Hampshire, when he recently spent six hours stuck in one after using it in an attempt to get into his house. He was eventually cut free by firemen. In Germany, meanwhile, Gunther Burpus remained wedged in his front-door cat flap for two days because passers-by thought he was a piece of installation art. Mr Burpus, 41, of Bremen, was using the flap because he had mislaid his keys. Unfortunately he was spotted by a group of student pranksters who removed his trousers and pants, painted his bottom bright blue, stuck a daffodil between his buttocks and erected a sign saying 'Germany Resurgent, an Essay in Street Art. Please give Generously'. Passers-by assumed Mr Burpus' screams were part of the act and it was only when an old woman complained to the police that he was finally freed. "I kept calling for help," he said, "but people just said 'Very good! Very clever!' and threw coins at me." " From mcafee Wed May 24 13:57:09 1995 Received: by eco.utexas.edu (4.1/1.34/ECO 1.1) id AA05979; Wed, 24 May 95 13:57:09 CDT Date: Wed, 24 May 95 13:57:09 CDT From: mcafee (R Preston McAfee) Message-Id: <9505241857.AA05979@eco.utexas.edu> To: joke-archive@eco.utexas.edu Subject: Male Scale Women take quizzes all the time, at least judging from the frequency that quizzes appear in magazines that target female audiences. Quizzes for males seem as rare as males that sort laundry, ask directions and leave the remote control alone for more than a minute at the time. So here's a quiz for men. Take This Scientific Quiz to Determine Your Guy-ness Quotient: 1. Alien beings from a highly advanced society visit the Earth, and you are the first human they encounter. As a token of intergalactic friendship, they present you with a small but incredibly sophisticated device that is capable of curing all disease, providing an infinite supply of clean energy, wiping out hunger and poverty, and permanently eliminating oppression and violence all over the entire Earth. You decide to: a. Present it to the president of the United States. b. Present it to the secretary general of the United Nations. c. Take it apart. 2. As you grow older, what lost quality of your youthful life do you miss the most? a. Innocence. b. Idealism. c. Cherry bombs. 3. When is it okay to kiss another male? a. When you wish to display simple and pure affection without regard for narrow-minded social conventions. b. When he is the pope. (Not on the lips.) c. When he is your brother and you are Al Pacino and this is the only really sportsmanlike way to let him know that, for business reasons, you have to have him killed. 4. What about hugging another male? a. If he's your father and at least one of you has a fatal disease. b. If you're performing the Heimlich maneuver. (And even in this case, you should repeatedly shout: "I am just dislodging food trapped in this male's trachea! I am not in any way aroused!") c. If you're a professional baseball player and a teammate hits a home run to win the World Series, you may hug him provided that: (1) He is legally within the base path, (2) Both of you are wearing protective cups, and (3) You also pound him fraternally with your fist hard enough to cause fractures. 5. Complete this sentence: A funeral is a good time to... a. ...remember the deceased and console his loved ones. b. ...reflect upon the fleeting transience of earthly life. c. ...tell the joke about the guy who has Alzheimer's disease and cancer. 6. In your opinion, the ideal pet is: a. A cat. b. A dog. c. A dog that eats cats. 7. You have been seeing a woman for several years. She's attractive and intelligent, and you always enjoy being with her. One leisurely Sunday afternoon the two of you are taking it easy -- you're watching a football game; she's reading the papers -- when she suddenly, out of the clear blue sky, tells you that she thinks she really loves you, but she can no longer bear the uncertainty of not knowing where your relationship is going. She says she's not asking whether you want to get married; only whether you believe that you have some kind of future together. What do you say? a. That you sincerely believe the two of you do have a future, but you don't want to rush it. b. That although you also have strong feelings for her, you cannot honestly say that you'll be ready anytime soon to make a lasting commitment, and you don't want to hurt her by holding out false hope. c. That you cannot believe the Jets called a draw play on third and seventeen. 8. Okay, so you have decided that you truly love a woman and you want to spend the rest of your life with her -- sharing the joys and the sorrows, the triumphs and the tragedies, and all the adventures and opportunities that the world has to offer, come what may. How do you tell her? a. You take her to a nice restaurant and tell her after dinner. b. You take her for a walk on a moonlit beach, and you say her name, and when she turns to you, with the sea breeze blowing her hair and the stars in her eyes, you tell her. c. Tell her what? 9. One weekday morning your wife wakes up feeling ill and asks you to get your three children ready for school. Your first question to her is: a. "Do they need to eat or anything?" b. "They're in school already?" c. "There are three of them?" 10. When is it okay to throw away a set of veteran underwear? a. When it has turned the color of a dead whale and developed new holes so large that you're not sure which ones were originally intended for your legs. b. When it is down to eight loosely connected underwear molecules and has to be handled with tweezers. c. It is never okay to throw away veteran underwear. A real guy checks the garbage regularly in case somebody -- and we are not naming names, but this would be his wife -- is quietly trying to discard his underwear, which she is frankly jealous of, because the guy seems to have a more intimate relationship with it than with her. 11. What, in your opinion, is the most reasonable explanation for the fact that Moses led the Israelites all over the place for forty years before they finally got to the Promised Land? a. He was being tested. b. He wanted them to really appreciate the Promised Land when they finally got there. c. He refused to ask directions. 12. What is the human race's single greatest achievement? a. Democracy. b. Religion. c. Remote control. How to Score: Give yourself one point for every time you picked answer "c." A real guy would score at least 10 on this test. In fact, a real guy would score at least 15, because he would get the special five-point bonus for knowing the joke about the guy who has Alzheimer's disease and cancer. ______________________ Thanks to Dale Stahl for sending this to me. From mcafee Wed May 24 16:44:55 1995 Received: by eco.utexas.edu (4.1/1.34/ECO 1.1) id AA19423; Wed, 24 May 95 16:44:55 CDT Date: Wed, 24 May 95 16:44:55 CDT From: mcafee (R Preston McAfee) Message-Id: <9505242144.AA19423@eco.utexas.edu> To: joke-archive@eco.utexas.edu Subject: Incompetent Criminals and Your Government at Work Six men have been arrested after an attempt to pull off "the biggest cash robbery in British criminal history" by cutting open an armored van with a blow torch. "They managed to open up the van like a can of pilchards [sardines], but they also produced a horrendously expensive bonfire," the prosecuting lawyer said, estimating that 1-1.5 million pounds in cash was burned, set off by the "several thousand degrees Centigrade" cutting tool. The resulting column of smoke was so thick that "the gang panicked and ran away." The van held a total of 11.4 million pounds (US$18.2 million) in cash. (Reuter) Police say that Madeline Vasquez, 37, the Parent-Teacher Association president of Public School 10 in Harlem, has admitted that she set fire to the principal's desk in order to cover up her theft of $800 from the school yearbook fund. She apparently resorted to the fire after her plan to clear the office by calling in a bomb threat didn't work. Charged with arson, Vasquez faces 8-25 years in prison. (AP) The city of Bellevue, Washington, is trying to force the strip club Papagayo's Cantina to make its stage wheelchair accessible so that disabled dancers can reach the stage, which currently is accessible only via stairs. "It's just asinine. If you can't dance, why should you even be on stage?" asks a talent scout for Papagayo's. But Wayne Tanaka of the city's cultural diversity task force, which also looks into Americans With Disabilities Act issues, disagrees. "It's hard for me to picture somebody in a wheelchair doing what those performers are doing," he said. But "for all I know, maybe somebody would want to do that. It would surprise me, but we live in amazing times." (AP) An election official in the Philippines is attempting to disqualify all of the candidates for the Philippine Senate because all had illegally posted their campaign posters on utility poles. "The posters cannot attach themselves to the electric posts. They cannot materialize from thin air," Regalado Maambong of the Commission on Elections said. Do the candidates have any way out of the mess? "Maybe the best defense for them is that the posting is a miracle," Maambong said. (Reuter) The robber of a restaurant in Pittsburgh was easy to identify because before he grabbed the cash from the register and ran, he filled in an application for a job at the eatery -- using his real name and address.(AP) From mcafee Wed May 24 19:54:55 1995 Received: by eco.utexas.edu (4.1/1.34/ECO 1.1) id AA23514; Wed, 24 May 95 19:54:55 CDT Date: Wed, 24 May 95 19:54:55 CDT From: mcafee (R Preston McAfee) Message-Id: <9505250054.AA23514@eco.utexas.edu> To: joke-archive@eco.utexas.edu Subject: Explosive Sneakers LIFE'S A BLAST by Dave Barry Before I get to this week's topic, which is gopher safety, I wish to "set the record straight" regarding three matters. 1. Exploding Guam Sneaker. Some months ago, I discussed an article in The Pacific Daily News concerning a Guamanian boy whose Nike brand sneaker reportedly exploded. This report turns out to be untrue. According to a later Daily News story, sent to me by staffer Mark Cook, the boy admitted that there had been a firecracker in his sneaker, and it was this firecracker, *not* the sneaker, that exploded. I wish to sincerely apologize to and smooch the buttocks of the Nike legal department for any bad publicity that my column may have caused, and stress to consumers that Nike brand sneakers do not - repeat, do *not* - explode. They merely contain firecrackers that explode. I hope this clears everything up. 2. Hunting-law update. A number of angry sportspersons have written to inform me that, contrary to the impression I may have given in a recent column about hunting, it is *not* legal to drop the frozen carcasses of large animals or Tobacco Institute scientists on hunters from helicopters. If you are doing this, I urge you to stop, or at least send me videotapes. 3. Correction. Several readers have informed me that The Nashville Banner, instead of printing my column, recently printed the announcement: "Dave Barry, whose humor column normally appears in today's Lifestyles section, is taking the week off." This is not, technically, true. I did not take that week off. I engaged in my usual brutal work routine of laboring day and night for nearly 45 minutes to produce a column. What The Nashville Banner no doubt meant to say was: "We are not going to publish Dave Barry's column this week because it concerns a Hong Kong man who demonstrates the benefits of Daoist philosophy by lifting heavy weights with his private parts, and we feel that the people of Nashville do not need to know about this." I'm sure the announcement was an innocent mistake, because the Banner is a fine newspaper that would never knowingly print an untrue statement. In fact, I urge you to call the Banner and subscribe; if you act today, the Banner will give you, free of charge, a house. Speaking of houses, a question that homeowners as well as professional maintenance personnel are constantly asking is: "What is the correct method for disposing of a gopher?" The answer is: "Not the method that was attempted recently by the maintenance personnel at Fowler Elementary School, in Ceres, California." I learned about this incident from a front-page story in the April 5 Modesto Bee, written by Donna Birch and sent to me by many alert readers. What happened was, a student found a gopher on the grounds of the school, which has a chronic gopher problem. The gopher wound up in the custody of three custodians, who put it in a bucket in a small, poorly ventilated utility room. I will give you 300 million guesses as to what they decided to do next. Wrong. What they decided to do next was freeze the gopher to death by spraying it with a product called (I am not making this up) Misty Gum Remover. This product is designed to be sprayed on the gum wads that are found on the undersides of all school desks (they are stuck on right at the desk factory). The product freezes the gum, making it easier to chip off. Misty Gum Remover is not specifically designed to send gophers to that big hole in the sky, but the Fowler Elementary custodians had successfully used it for that purpose on more than one occasion, feeling that it was a more humane disposal method than others they had tried, including whacking the gophers over the head. So at this point, we have nothing more than a routine case of three custodians trying to freeze a gopher to death with gum remover - the kind of thing that (ask your kids) goes on in our nation's schools every day. Then one of the custodians decided to light a cigarette. As an American, I place full legal blame on the Misty Gum Remover manufacturers for not putting a label on their spray cans, stating: "Do not spray this product on a gopher in a poorly ventilated room and then light a cigarette." You have probably guessed what happened next. That's right, the custodians' Nike brand sneakers exploded. No, seriously, the Misty Gum Remover fumes exploded in a blast that blew the three custodians out of the utility room and injured a total of 19 people. The gopher - I am still not making this up - lived. According to the Bee, it was taken into police custody and released in an empty field, where I imagine it will spend the rest of its days whimpering and gulping down tiny gopher Valiums. The moral of the story, for both homeowners and maintenance professionals, is that if you must dispose of a gopher, you should use the method recommended by leading authorities, such as the Archbishop of Canterbury. Namely, mail it, in a secure package, to The Nashville Banner. Do *not* send it to me; I'm taking the week off. From mcafee Thu May 25 08:59:06 1995 Received: by eco.utexas.edu (4.1/1.34/ECO 1.1) id AA04247; Thu, 25 May 95 08:59:06 CDT Date: Thu, 25 May 95 08:59:06 CDT From: mcafee (R Preston McAfee) Message-Id: <9505251359.AA04247@eco.utexas.edu> To: joke-archive@eco.utexas.edu Subject: Dr. Seuss' Sloppy Floppy People send me a lot of computer geek humor, especially ham-fisted microsoft jokes, that I rarely find humorous, much less hilarious. But this, sent to me by John Abowd, struck me as entertaining. Subject: Dr. Seuss (from David Kwok) If Dr. Seuss Were a Technical Writer Here's an easy game to play. Here's an easy thing to say: If a packet hits a pocket on a socket on a port, And the bus is interrupted as a very last resort, And the address of the memory makes your floppy disk abort, Then the socket packet pocket has an error to report! If your cursor finds a menu item followed by a dash, And the double-clicking icon puts your window in the trash, And your data is corrupted 'cause the index doesn't hash, then your situation's hopeless, and your system's gonna crash! You can't say this? What a shame sir! We'll find you Another game sir. If the label on the cable on the table at your house, Says the network is connected to the button on your mouse, But your packets want to tunnel on another protocol, That's repeatedly rejected by the printer down the hall, And your screen is all distorted by the side effects of gauss, So your icons in the window are as wavy as a souse, Then you may as well reboot and go out with a bang, 'Cause as sure as I'm a poet, the sucker's gonna hang! When the copy of your floppy's getting sloppy on the disk, And the microcode instructions cause unnecessary risc, Then you have to flash your memory and you'll want to RAM your ROM. Quickly turn off the computer and be sure to tell your mom! From mcafee Mon May 29 16:58:28 1995 Received: by eco.utexas.edu (4.1/1.34/ECO 1.1) id AA26719; Mon, 29 May 95 16:58:28 CDT Date: Mon, 29 May 95 16:58:28 CDT From: mcafee (R Preston McAfee) Message-Id: <9505292158.AA26719@eco.utexas.edu> To: joke-archive@eco.utexas.edu Subject: Crime Scene Two men who cleared several piles of iron from the Sangmyung Women's University in Seoul have been charged with burglary: it seems what they thought was scrap had actually been four sculptures, which university officials valued at US$45,000. "I can hardly believe these were artistic works," one of the men said. "I thought the school authorities were too lazy to dispose of them." The men sold the iron to recyclers for $27. (Reuter) Believing tradition will hold, drivers in France are apparently throwing caution to the wind. Since 1965, each new French president has pardoned citizens of their minor traffic offenses. As this year's election neared, the rate of fatal accidents in France climbed -- 16% in March alone. French insurance companies say this year's accident increase will cause 500-1000 deaths. The monetary damage is also significant: President Mitterand's pardon in 1988 cost the French treasury US$1.6 billion in unpaid fines. (Reuter) Police from both cities are investigating a "rampage" of New York police officers attending a ceremony in Washington, D.C. Among other allegations, NYPD officers staying at the Hyatt Regency hotel were said to have gotten drunk while in uniform, pulled fire alarms, harassed guests, and, according to a hotel employee: "They took off all their clothes ...and went sliding down the [lobby's] escalator," which was slicked down with beer. "It was not normal." (Washington Post) The Muslim extremist group al-Jihad has called for the destruction of the 188-metre Cairo Tower, contending that its phallic shape could tempt women into sin. From mcafee Tue May 30 05:39:17 1995 Received: by eco.utexas.edu (4.1/1.34/ECO 1.1) id AA12608; Tue, 30 May 95 05:39:17 CDT Date: Tue, 30 May 95 05:39:17 CDT From: mcafee (R Preston McAfee) Message-Id: <9505301039.AA12608@eco.utexas.edu> To: joke-archive@eco.utexas.edu Subject: Cheese Whiz From today's Boston Globe: Cheltenham, England - Cheese-rolling, it seems, has entered the realm of the dangerous sport. In the annual cheese-rolling contest in this city near the Welsh border yesterday, 18 of the 20 contestants were injured - and four were sent to the hospital. It can be a tough sport even for those seeking vicarious thrills. One spectator fell and hit her head. The competition, in which contenders vie for a giant round cheese by rolling smaller versions down Cooper's Hill, left four contestants with fractures and 14 with sprains. Among those unscathed was Darren Yates, who won the big cheese. From mcafee Wed May 31 16:05:54 1995 Received: by eco.utexas.edu (4.1/1.34/ECO 1.1) id AA20024; Wed, 31 May 95 16:05:54 CDT Date: Wed, 31 May 95 16:05:54 CDT From: mcafee (R Preston McAfee) Message-Id: <9505312105.AA20024@eco.utexas.edu> To: joke-archive@eco.utexas.edu Subject: For the Relationship-Challenged SHE DRIVES FOR A RELATIONSHIP. HE'S LOST IN THE TRANSMISSION By DAVE BARRY CONTRARY to what many women believe, it's fairly easy to develop a long-term, stable, intimate, and mutually fulfilling relationship with a guy. Of course this guy has to be a Labrador retriever. With human guys, it's extremely difficult. This is because guys don't really grasp what women mean by the term relationship. Let's say a guy named Roger is attracted to a woman named Elaine. He asks her out to a movie; she accepts; they have a pretty good time. A few nights later he asks her out to dinner, and again they enjoy themselves. They continue to see each other regularly, and after a while neither one of them is seeing anybody else. And then, one evening when they're driving home, a thought occurs to Elaine, and, without really thinking, she says it aloud: ''Do you realize that, as of tonight, we've been seeing each other for exactly six months?'' And then there is silence in the car. To Elaine, it seems like a very loud silence. She thinks to herself: Geez, I wonder if it bothers him that I said that. Maybe he's been feeling confined by our relationship; maybe he thinks I'm trying to push him into some kind of obligation that he doesn't want, or isn't sure of. And Roger is thinking: Gosh. Six months. And Elaine is thinking: But, hey, I'm not so sure I want this kind of relationship, either. Sometimes I wish I had a little more space, so I'd have time to think about whether I really want us to keep going the way we are, moving steadily toward . . . I mean, where are we going? Are we just going to keep seeing each other at this level of intimacy? Are we heading toward marriage? Toward children? Toward a lifetime together? Am I ready for that level of commitment? Do I really even know this person? And Roger is thinking: . . . so that means it was . . . let's see . . . February when we started going out, which was right after I had the car at the dealer's, which means . . . lemme check the odometer . . . Whoa! I am way overdue for an oil change here. And Elaine is thinking: He's upset. I can see it on his face. Maybe I'm reading this completely wrong. Maybe he wants more from our relationship, more intimacy, more commitment; maybe he has sensed -- even before I sensed it -- that I was feeling some reservations. Yes, I bet that's it. That's why he's so reluctant to say anything about his own feelings. He's afraid of being rejected. And Roger is thinking: And I'm gonna have them look at the transmission again. I don't care what those morons say, it's still not shifting right. And they better not try to blame it on the cold weather this time. What cold weather? It's 87 degrees out, and this thing is shifting like a goddamn garbage truck, and I paid those incompetent thieves $600. COMMUNICATIONS GAP And Elaine is thinking: He's angry. And I don't blame him. I'd be angry, too. God, I feel so guilty, putting him through this, but I can't help the way I feel. I'm just not sure. And Roger is thinking: They'll probably say it's only a 90-day warranty. That's exactly what they're gonna say, the scumballs. And Elaine is thinking: Maybe I'm just too idealistic, waiting for a knight to come riding up on his white horse, when I'm sitting right next to a perfectly good person, a person I enjoy being with, a person I truly do care about, a person who seems to truly care about me. A person who is in pain because of my self-centered, schoolgirl romantic fantasy. And Roger is thinking: Warranty? They want a warranty? I'll give them a goddamn warranty. I'll take their warranty and stick it right up their ... ''Roger,'' Elaine says aloud. ''What?'' says Roger, startled. ''Please don't torture yourself like this,'' she says, her eyes beginning to brim with tears. ''Maybe I should never have . . . Oh God, I feel so ... '' (She breaks down, sobbing.) ''What?'' says Roger. ''I'm such a fool,'' Elaine sobs. ''I mean, I know there's no knight. I really know that. It's silly. There's no knight, and there's no horse.'' ''There's no horse?'' says Roger. ''You think I'm a fool, don't you?'' Elaine says. ''No!'' says Roger, glad to finally know the correct answer. ''It's just that . . . It's that I . . . I need some time,'' Elaine says. (There is a 15-second pause while Roger, thinking as fast as he can, tries to come up with a safe response. Finally he comes up with one that he thinks might work.) ''Yes,'' he says. A BEFUDDLED BEAU (Elaine, deeply moved, touches his hand.) ''Oh, Roger, do you really feel that way?'' she says. ''What way?'' says Roger. ''That way about time,'' says Elaine. ''Oh,'' says Roger. ''Yes.'' (Elaine turns to face him and gazes deeply into his eyes, causing him to become very nervous about what she might say next, especially if it involves a horse. At last she speaks.) ''Thank you, Roger,'' she says. ''Thank you,'' says Roger. Then he takes her home, and she lies on her bed, a conflicted, tortured soul, and weeps until dawn, whereas when Roger gets back to his place, he opens a bag of Doritos, turns on the TV, and immediately becomes deeply involved in a rerun of a tennis match between two Czechoslovakians he never heard of. A tiny voice in the far recesses of his mind tells him that something major was going on back there in the car, but he is pretty sure there is no way he would ever understand what, and so he figures it's better if he doesn't think about it. (This is also Roger's policy regarding world hunger.) IT'S ANALYSIS TIME The next day Elaine will call her closest friend, or perhaps two of them, and they will talk about this situation for six straight hours. In painstaking detail, they will analyze everything she said and everything he said, going over it time and time again, exploring every word, expression, and gesture for nuances of meaning, considering every possible ramification. They will continue to discuss this subject, off and on, for weeks, maybe months, never reaching any definite conclusions, but never getting bored with it, either. Meanwhile, Roger, while playing racquetball one day with a mutual friend of his and Elaine's, will pause just before serving, frown, and say: ''Norm, did Elaine ever own a horse?'' We're not talking about different wavelengths here. We're talking about different planets, in completely different solar systems. Elaine cannot communicate meaningfully with Roger about their relationship any more than she can meaningfully play chess with a duck. Because the sum total of Roger's thinking on this particular topic is as follows: Huh? But the point I'm trying to make is that, if you're a woman, and you want to have a successful relationship with a guy, the No. 1 tip to remember is: 1. Never assume that the guy understands that you and he have a relationship. The guy will not realize this on his own. You have to plant the idea in his brain by constantly making subtle references to it in your everyday conversation, such as: -- ''Roger, would you mind passing me a Sweet 'n' Low, inasmuch as we have a relationship?'' -- ''Wake up, Roger! There's a prowler in the den and we have a relationship! You and I do, I mean.'' -- ''Good News, Roger! The gynecologist says we're going to have our fourth child, which will serve as yet another indication that we have a relationship!'' -- ''Roger, inasmuch as this plane is crashing and we probably have only about a minute to live, I want you to know that we've had a wonderful 53 years of marriage together, which clearly constitutes a relationship.'' Never let up, women. Pound away relentlessly at this concept, and eventually it will start to penetrate the guy's brain. Some day he might even start thinking about it on his own. He'll be talking with some other guys about women, and, out of the blue, he'll say, ''Elaine and I, we have, ummm . . . We have, ahhh . . . We . . . We have this thing.'' And he will sincerely mean it. The next relationship-enhancement tip is: 2. Do not expect the guy to make a hasty commitment. By ''hasty,'' I mean, ''within your lifetime.'' Guys are extremely reluctant to make commitments. This is because they never feel ready. ''I'm sorry,'' guys are always telling women, ''but I'm just not ready to make a commitment.'' Guys are in a permanent state of nonreadiness. If guys were turkey breasts, you could put them in a 350-degree oven on July Fourth, and they still wouldn't be done in time for Thanksgiving. >From the forthcoming book, ''Dave Barry's Complete Guide to Guys'' by Dave Barry, (c) 1995 by Dave Barry. Reprinted with the permission of Random House Inc. Distributed by Tribune Media Services Inc. From mcafee Thu Jun 1 07:52:38 1995 Received: by eco.utexas.edu (4.1/1.34/ECO 1.1) id AA03790; Thu, 1 Jun 95 07:52:38 CDT Date: Thu, 1 Jun 95 07:52:38 CDT From: mcafee (R Preston McAfee) Message-Id: <9506011252.AA03790@eco.utexas.edu> To: joke-archive@eco.utexas.edu Subject: Those Who Can't, Manage THE WALL STREET JOURNAL MONDAY, MAY 22, 1995 Manager's Journal: The Dilbert Principle ---- By Scott Adams I use a lot of "bad boss" themes in my syndicated cartoon strip, "Dilbert." I'll never run out of material. I get a hundred e-mail messages a day, mostly from people who are complaining about their own clueless managers. Here are some of my favorite stories, all allegedly true: -- A vice president insists that the company's new battery-powered product be equipped with a light that comes on to tell you when the power is off. -- An employee suggests setting priorities so they'll know how to apply their limited resources. The manager's response: "Why can't we concentrate our resources across the board?" -- A manager wants to find and fix software bugs more quickly. He offers an incentive plan: $20 for each bug the Quality Assurance people find and $20 for each bug the programmers fix. (These are the same programmers who create the bugs.) Result: An underground economy in "bugs" springs up instantly. The plan is rethought after one employee nets $1,700 the first week. Stories like these prompted me to do the first annual Dilbert Survey to find out what management practices were most annoying to employees. The choices included the usual suspects: Quality, Empowerment, Re-engineering and the like. But the number-one vote-getter on this highly unscientific survey was "Idiots Promoted to Management." This seemed like a subtle change from the old concept where capable workers were promoted until they reached their level of incompetence -- the Peter Principle. Now, apparently, the incompetent workers are promoted directly to management without ever passing through the temporary competence stage. When I entered the workforce in 1979, the Peter Principle described management pretty well. Now I think we'd all like to return to those Golden Years when you had a boss who was once good at something. I get all nostalgic when I think about it. Back then, we all had hopes of being promoted beyond our levels of competence. Every worker had a shot at someday personally navigating the company into the tar pits while reaping large bonuses and stock options. It was a time when inflation meant everybody got an annual raise; a time when we freely admitted that the customer didn't matter. It was a time of joy. We didn't appreciate it then, but the Peter Principle always provided us with a boss who understood what we did for a living. Granted, he made consistently bad decisions -- after all, he had no management skills. But at least they were the informed decisions of a seasoned veteran from the trenches. Example: Boss: "When I had your job I could drive a three-inch rod through a metal casing with one motion. If you're late again I'll do the same thing to your head." Lately, however, the Peter Principle has given way to the Dilbert Principle. The basic concept of the Dilbert Principle is that the most ineffective workers are systematically moved to the place where they can do the least damage: management. This has not proved to be the winning strategy that you might think. Maybe we should learn something from nature. In the wild, the weakest moose is hunted down and killed by Dingo dogs, thus ensuring survival of the fittest. This is a harsh system -- especially for the Dingo dogs that have to fly all the way from Australia. But nature's process is a good one; everybody agrees, except perhaps for the Dingo dogs and the moose in question . . . and the flight attendants. But the point is that we'd all be better off if the least competent managers were being eaten by Dingo dogs instead of writing mission statements. It seems as if we've turned nature's rules upside down. We systematically identify and promote the people who have the least skills. The usual business rationalization for promoting idiots (the Dilbert Principle in a nutshell) is something along the lines of "Well, he can't write code, he can't design a network, and he doesn't have any sales skill. But he has very good hair . .." If nature started organizing itself like a modern business, you'd see, for example, a band of mountain gorillas led by an "alpha" squirrel. And it wouldn't be the most skilled squirrel; it would be the squirrel nobody wanted to hang around with. I can see the other squirrels gathered around an old stump saying stuff like "If I hear him say `I like nuts' one more time, I'm going to kill him." The gorillas, overhearing this conversation, lumber down from the mist and promote the unpopular squirrel. The remaining squirrels are assigned to Quality Teams as punishment. You may be wondering if you fit the description of a Dilbert Principle manager. Here's a little test: 1. Do you believe that anything you don't understand must be easy to do? 2. Do you feel the need to explain in great detail why "profit" is the difference between income and expense? 3. Do you think employees should schedule funerals only during holidays? 4. Are the following words a form of communication or gibberish: "The Business Services Leadership Team will enhance the organization in order to continue on the journey toward a Market Facing Organization (MFO) model. To that end, we are consolidating the Object Management for Business Services into a cross strata team." 5. When people stare at you in disbelief, do you repeat what you just said, only louder and slower? Now give yourself one point for each question you answered with the letter "B." If your score is greater than zero, congratulations -- there are stock options in your future. (The language in number 4 is from an actual company memo.) ______________________________________________________________ Mr. Adams is the creator of Dilbert, which appears in 450 newspapers. He still works his day job at Pacific Bell. Copyright (c) 1995 Dow Jones and Company, Inc. Thanks to Joshua Gans for passing this on. From mcafee Thu Jun 8 23:18:31 1995 Received: by eco.utexas.edu (4.1/1.34/ECO 1.1) id AA06584; Thu, 8 Jun 95 23:18:31 CDT Date: Thu, 8 Jun 95 23:18:31 CDT From: mcafee (R Preston McAfee) Message-Id: <9506090418.AA06584@eco.utexas.edu> To: joke-archive@eco.utexas.edu Subject: Future American Radio-Telecommunications Bill Gates, Andy Grove, and Jerry Sanders (CEOs of MicroSoft, Intel, and AMD) were in a high-powered business meeting. During the serious, tense discussion, a beeping noise suddenly is emitted from where Bill is sitting. Bill says, "Oh, that's my beeper. Gentlemen, excuse me, I need to take this call." So Bill lifts his wristwatch to his ear and begins talking into the end of his tie. After completing this call, he notices the others are staring at him. Bill explains, "Oh, this is my new emergency communication system. I have an earpiece built into my watch and a microphone sewn into the end of my tie. That way I can take a call anywhere." The others nod and the meeting continues. Five minutes later, the discussion is again interrupted when Andy starts beeping. He states, "Excuse me gentlemen, this must be an important call." So Andy taps his earlobe and begins talking into thin air. When he completes his call, he notices the others staring at him and explains, "I also have an emergency communication system. But my earpiece is actually implanted in my earlobe, and the microphone is actually embedded in this fake tooth." The others nod, and the meeting continues. Five minutes later, the discussion is again interrupted when Jerry emits a thunderous fart. He looks up at the others staring at him and says, "Somebody get me a piece of paper... I'm receiving a FAX." Thanks to Hal Varian for this. What's the difference between a cocktail lounge and an elephant fart? One's a barroom and one's a BARRROOOOMMMM!!! From mcafee Fri Jun 9 23:06:57 1995 Received: by eco.utexas.edu (4.1/1.34/ECO 1.1) id AA16299; Fri, 9 Jun 95 23:06:57 CDT Date: Fri, 9 Jun 1995 23:06:57 -0500 (CDT) From: R Preston McAfee X-Sender: mcafee@mundo To: joke-archive@eco.utexas.edu Subject: Fibs Message-Id: Mime-Version: 1.0 Content-Type: TEXT/PLAIN; charset=US-ASCII The Top Ten Lies Told by Graduate Students (taken from the Harvard Crimson) 10. It doesn't bother me at all that my college roommate is making $80,000 a year on Wall Street. 9. I'd be delighted to proofread your book/chapter/article. 8. My work has a lot of practical importance. 7. I would never date an undergraduate. 6. Your latest article was so inspiring. 5. I turned down a lot of great job offers to come here. 4. I just have one more book to read and then I'll start writing. 3. The department is giving me so much support. 2. My job prospects look really good. 1. No really, I'll be out of here in only two more years. Top Five Lies Told by Teaching Fellows: 5. I'm not going to grant any extensions. 4. Call me any time. I'm always available. 3. It doesn't matter what I think; write what you believe. 2. Think of the midterm as a diagnostic tool. 1. My other section is much better prepared than you guys. You just might be a graduate student if... ...you can analyze the significance of appliances you cannot operate. ...your carrel is better decorated than your apartment. ...you have ever, as a folklore project, attempted to track the progress of your own joke across the Internet. ...you are startled to meet people who neither need nor want to read. ...you have ever brought a scholarly article to a bar. ...you rate coffee shops by the availability of outlets for your laptop. ...everything reminds you of something in your discipline. ...you have ever discussed academic matters at a sporting event. ...you have ever spent more than $50 on photocopying while researching a single paper. ...there is a microfilm reader in the library that you consider "yours." ...you actually have a preference between microfilm and microfiche. ...you can tell the time of day by looking at the traffic flow at the library. ...you look forward to summers because you're more productive without the distraction of classes. ...you regard ibuprofen as a vitamin. ...you consider all papers to be works in progress. ...professors don't really care when you turn in work anymore. ...you find the bibliographies of books more interesting than the actual text. ...you have given up trying to keep your books organized and are now just trying to keep them all in the same general area. ...you have accepted guilt as an inherent feature of relaxation. ...you reflexively start analyzing those greek letters before you realize that it's a sorority sweatshirt, not an equation. ...you find yourself explaining to children that you are in "20th grade". ...you start refering to stories like "Snow White et al." ...you frequently wonder how long you can live on pasta without getting scurvy ...you look forward to taking some time off to do laundry ...you have more photocopy cards than credit cards ...you wonder if APA style allows you to cite talking to yourself as "personal communication" From mcafee Fri Jul 21 16:51:11 1995 Received: by eco.utexas.edu (4.1/1.34/ECO 1.1) id AA24391; Fri, 21 Jul 95 16:51:11 CDT Date: Fri, 21 Jul 95 16:51:11 CDT From: mcafee (R Preston McAfee) Message-Id: <9507212151.AA24391@eco.utexas.edu> To: joke-archive@eco.utexas.edu Subject: Summetime News Charles Hayden of Pittsburgh was concerned because Chris, his 13-year-old son, was failing five subjects in school. So over an 11-week period, Hayden took Chris out of school during his study hall class and spent 110 hours tutoring him. The result: Chris passed the seventh grade -- and Hayden is being prosecuted for "illegally" removing his son from school. "I'm just kind of dumbfounded," Hayden says, noting that teachers kept him up-to-date on lesson plans to aid his tutoring. But "other parents have to work with their children during the evening," retorts school superintendent C. Richard Nichols. If convicted, Hayden could be sentenced to a fine of $22 plus court costs. "There's a lot of brain tissue chasing me for $22," Hayden says. (AP) AT&T mailed information on their "True Rewards" program to 175,000 customers. But when patrons called the printed toll-free number to get details, they were greeted with "Are you ready to get naked? If you want hardcore, uncensored, explicit sex now, then come and -- mmmmm -- take it!" Apparently, a printing error substituted AT&T's number for a phone sex number. "People have been calling and expressing their dissatisfaction," an AT&T spokeswoman noted. But not everyone is dissatisfied: "It hasn't been bad for business," said a spokeswoman for Amtec Communications, the company that provides the phone sex service. (AP) Two centuries ago, Ronkainen the Robber tested new gang recruits by making them carry a woman over an obstacle course to show that they could carry handle their loot -- they often stole wives from other tribes. But in modern Sonkajarvi, Finland, it's known as the Finnish National Wife-Carrying Championships. The goal: carry a woman, preferably someone else's wife (and she must be older than 17) over a 780-foot course through water, sand, grass and asphalt, and over two fences. Dropping the wife results in a 15-second penalty. The fastest man earns the big prize: the woman's weight in lemonade. "We Finns can be mad without alcohol, too, you know," said one local, attempting to explain the prize -- beer was ruled illegal. "This is very, very Finnish," agreed a Swedish woman who was carried in the race. "They wouldn't do this in Sweden." (Reuter) Meanwhile, in Pelkosenniemi, Finland, the third World Championship of Mosquito Killing has begun. Contestants have five minutes to kill as many of the buzzy pests as possible, but only using their bare hands. This year, the warm, moist summer season will probably mean last year's record -- seven -- will be beaten. "I know it's surprisingly few, but the problem is that the mosquitoes are drawn [away] by the warmth of the crowd watching the competition," noted Kai Kullervo Salmijarvi, who organized this year's event. While insecticides are banned, "we don't have dope tests," he added, "so anyone can tank up as they see fit." (AP) From mcafee Sun Jul 23 06:48:48 1995 Received: by eco.utexas.edu (4.1/1.34/ECO 1.1) id AA24398; Sun, 23 Jul 95 06:48:48 CDT Date: Sun, 23 Jul 95 06:48:48 CDT From: mcafee (R Preston McAfee) Message-Id: <9507231148.AA24398@eco.utexas.edu> To: joke-archive@eco.utexas.edu Subject: Don't Look Now Minneapolis has banned ogling by city construction workers. If one looks at another person in public for more than nine seconds, a verbal warning is issued; repeated warnings lead to being fired. (Boston Globe, 7/23/95, p.21) From mcafee Fri Aug 11 01:53:29 1995 Received: by eco.utexas.edu (4.1/1.34/ECO 1.1) id AA08023; Fri, 11 Aug 95 01:53:29 CDT Date: Fri, 11 Aug 95 01:53:29 CDT Message-Id: <9508110653.AA08023@eco.utexas.edu> From: mcafee To: joke-archive@eco.utexas.edu Precedence: bulk Subject: Explaining the wobbles in the orbits of planets On Tue, 1 Aug 1995 16:54:45 -0700 Dante Marcelo wrote: This week, a million fraternity brothers rushed to join NASA. The reason: scientists have discovered beer in space. Well, not beer exactly. But they did find alcohol: ethyl alcohol, to be precise, the active ingredient in all major alcoholic drinks (antifreeze Jell-O shots, quite obviously, are exempted from this category). Three British scientists, Drs. Tom Millar, Geoffrey MacDonald and Rolf Habing, discovered this interstellar Everclear floating in a gas cloud in the contellation of Aquila (sign of the Eagle, the mascot of Anheuser-Busch! Hmmmmm). Millar and his compatriots have estimated the size of this gas cloud at approximately 1,000 times the diameter of our own solar system; there's enough alcohol out there, they say, to make 400 trillion trillion pints of beer. These guys are British, mind you; if you were to translate this in terms of American beer (which the British, with some justification, regard as fermented club soda), the amount of potential brewski just about doubles. In human terms: remember that double-keg party you threw at the end of your Junior year in college (the second Junior year)? Imagine throwing that same party, every eight hours, for the next 30 billion years. You'd STILL have beer left over. And boy, would YOUR bathroom be a mess! Simply put, no one could ever drink 400 trillion trillion pints of beer, except maybe Buffalo Bills fans. The sheer volume of all this alcohol begs the question of how it managed to get out there in the first place. Despite the simplifying effect it has on the human brain, ethyl alcohol is a reasonably complex molecule: two carbon atoms, five hydrogen atoms, and a hydroxyl radical, all cavorting together in beery camaraderie. It's not a compund that is going to spontaneously arise out of the cold depths of space. It can lead to speculation: What is this cloud? 1. It's God's beer. After all, He worked for six days creating the universe, and on the seventh day, He rested. And after you've had a hard week at the office, don't YOU grab a beer? Since man is made in God's image, it could be that this cloud is the remaining evidence of the first, best Miller Time. 2. It's Purgatory ("400 trillion trillion bottles of beer on the wall, 400 trillion trillion bottles of beer! Take one down, pass it around, three hundred ninety-nine septillion, nine hundred ninety-nine sextillion, nine hundred ninety-nine quintillion, nine hundred ninety-nine quadrillion, nine hundred ninety-nine trillion, nine hundred ninety-nine billion, nine hundred ninety-nine million, nine hundred ninety-nine thousand, nine hundred ninety-nine, bottles of beer on the wall!") 3. Proof of an undeniably highly advanced but chronically dipsomaniac alien society. This particular theory is shaky, however: it's reasonable to assume that if the aliens were going to construct a nebula of alcohol, they'd also have large clouds of Beer Nuts and pretzels nearby for snacking. Advanced spectral analysis has yet to locate them. The truth of the matter, however, is far more prosaic. In the middle of this gas cloud is a young and no doubt quite inebriated star. As the star heats up and contracts, sucking the dust and gas of the cloud into a smaller area, complex molecules form as a result of greater interaction between the elements. Ethyl alcohol forms on small motes of dust in the cloud, and then, as the motes angle in closer towards the star and heat up, the alcohol is released from the motes in gaseous form. And there you have it: an alcohol cloud. Or, as Dave Bowman might say, "My God! It's full of booze!" Enough with the science lesson, you say. Just tell me how to GET there! Sorry, Chuckles. You can't get there from here. The gas cloud (which, by the way, has the utterly romantic name of "G34.3") is 10,000 light years away: 58 quadrillion miles. Even if you hijacked the shuttle and headed out with thrusters on full, by the time you got there, the guy in Purgatory would be done with his tune. You'd have had time to work up a powerful thirst, but you'd also be, in a word, dead. No, the Space Beer Cloud will have to wait for the far future, when men can leap through the universe at warp speed. One can only imagine what they will do when they get there: Captain Kirk: My....GOD! Sulu! What....is....THAT? Sulu: It's a free floating cloud of alcohol, sir. Kirk: And we've just run out of Romulan Ale! Could it be a trap, Bones? Bones: Damn it, Jim! I'm a doctor, not a distiller of fine spirits! Kirk: We need that booze! But if we fly through that cloud, we'll be too drunk to drive! Spock: May I remind you, Jim, that I am a Vulcan. We are a race of designated drivers. Kirk: Well, all righty, then. Spock, drive us through! Bones and I will be out on the hull. With our mouths... open! ____________________________________________________ Thanks to Al Slivinski for passing this on to me. From mcafee Fri Aug 11 14:24:14 1995 Received: by eco.utexas.edu (4.1/1.34/ECO 1.1) id AA22513; Fri, 11 Aug 95 14:24:14 CDT Date: Fri, 11 Aug 95 14:24:14 CDT From: mcafee (R Preston McAfee) Message-Id: <9508111924.AA22513@eco.utexas.edu> To: joke-archive@eco.utexas.edu Precedence: bulk Subject: The Tension between the Sexes Why do men like love at first sight? It saves them a lot of time. A woman of 35 thinks of having children. What does a man of 35 think of? Dating children. Why do men die before their wives? They want to. Why do divorces cost so much? They're worth it. From mcafee Mon Aug 14 19:49:18 1995 Received: by eco.utexas.edu (4.1/1.34/ECO 1.1) id AA25477; Mon, 14 Aug 95 19:49:18 CDT Date: Mon, 14 Aug 95 19:49:18 CDT From: mcafee (R Preston McAfee) Message-Id: <9508150049.AA25477@eco.utexas.edu> To: joke-archive@eco.utexas.edu Precedence: bulk Subject: Megabytodemcafeeawaitinophobia Greetings! Ever heard of the word for fear of peanut butter getting stuck to the roof of one's mouth? Linguaphile Al Ustinov of ibm.com is hunting for this word and he has made me curious as well. "Being an immigrant to the US, I was fascinated by this uniquely American malady and could recall this word at whim," he wrote, "Age and an excess of peanut butter and jelly sandwiches have since taken their toll on my memory, and I was wondering if you had ever heard of this phobia?" I am sure we can count of the 4,000+ linguaphiles to get him "unstuck." If you know the word (or what you think the word should be), please send it in. -------- Call for the search of a word for "fear of peanut butter sticking to the roof of the mouth" went out a couple of days back. Here are some smooth and crunchy selections from the resulting outpour: Kurt Greene of ge.com came up with the word "dorsobuccalarachihypogaea- phobia." Of course, he has supplied the etymology too: "Arachis hypogaea is the species/genus/whatever-it's-called for the peanut." Erik G. Urdang from uswest.com suggested "Arachidnophobia." Some related words he sent may come handy next time you decide to order a peanut butter sandwich in some elegant French restaurant: "The French word for peanuts is `arachides,' peanut butter is, of course `beurre d'arachides.'" Forrest Richey of ucarb.com, a veteran linguaphile, concocted "hypogaeuvullasphyxiophobia." This word came with the proper usage guidelines: "Please note, I expect this word to be enunciated by one in the grip of the feared condition." Many folks enlisted the help of their friends in search for the word. Colleen Dawes of bwc.org sent in this little tale: I asked a friend of mine (Carol Sprague) who is quite a linguaphile and her response is below: `Yes, I believe it's legumopalatophobia. We used to try to induce this in our dogs by giving them bread with peanut-butter on it (p/n butter side UP of course) and watch them trying to lick it off the roof of their mouths (while rolling on the floor as we thought this was hilarious - okay, so we were like a little weird). They never seemed to learn though, because as soon as it was gone, they were back for more.' A large number did find the right word. Sooo... without further ado, the word we were looking for is arachibutyrophobia. Now that we have slipped onto other phobias, here is an interesting report from Hillel Bromberg, an avid phobophile at babson.edu: First of all, it's interesting that there is a name for the fear of young girls (parthenophobia) ... Someone with a horrifying band teacher came up with aulophobia (flutes), and a worse physics teacher gave someone barophobia (gravity). It doesn't take a chemist to produce one of my very favorites, blennophobia or myxophobia (fear of slime). Winston Churchill taught us that we should all suffer from phobophobia (fear), though I'm sure he himself never knew a pang of katagelophobia (ridicule). I don't know where it fits in, but I have to mention the infamous triskaidekaphobia (unreasonable fear of the number 13). Some of these hit rather close to home. Or don't, as the case may be. We Jews hardly suffer from ecclesiophobia (church) or papaphobia (the Pope), and our theology doesn't really leave room for ouranophobia (heaven) or stygiophobia (hell). Among others, his list included "ddiippllooppiiaapphhoobbiiaa" - fear of double vision. He added, "I do hope that, while living where you are, you never know limnophobia (fear of lakes)." Finally, here is my favorite: aibohphobia - the fear of palindromes. Many thank to all of you who responded - and to your friends! I have a feeling we might have heard from a few other folks, if it were not for graphophobia (fear of writing) (-: . In any case, there is one phobia, I am sure, none of us on this list is afflicted with: logophobia (fear of words). ------------------------------- Thanks to John Chilton for passing this on to me. From mcafee Fri Aug 25 18:27:22 1995 Received: by eco.utexas.edu (4.1/1.34/ECO 1.1) id AA16507; Fri, 25 Aug 95 18:27:22 CDT Date: Fri, 25 Aug 95 18:27:22 CDT From: mcafee (R Preston McAfee) Message-Id: <9508252327.AA16507@eco.utexas.edu> To: joke-archive@eco.utexas.edu Precedence: bulk Subject: Unrecoverable Error Given that Microsoft is advertising Windows, Microsoft chose the wrong Stones' song. A more appropriate song is "(I Can't Get No) Satisfaction." From mcafee Mon Aug 28 18:14:34 1995 Received: by eco.utexas.edu (4.1/1.34/ECO 1.1) id AA28063; Mon, 28 Aug 95 18:14:34 CDT Date: Mon, 28 Aug 95 18:14:34 CDT From: mcafee (R Preston McAfee) Message-Id: <9508282314.AA28063@eco.utexas.edu> To: joke-archive@eco.utexas.edu Precedence: bulk Subject: Tootling with Vigour These are examples of botched English from foreign nations, collected from several newspaper accounts by my brother. WARNING TO TOKYO MOTORISTS: "When a passenger of foot heave in sight, tootle the horn. Trumpet at him melodiously at first, but if he still obstacles your passage, then tootle him with vigour." SIGN IN A BELGRADE HOTEL'S ELEVATOR: "To move the cabin, push button for wishing floor. If the cabin should enter more persons, each press button for the wishing floor. Driving is then going alphabetically by natural order." INSTRUCTIONS ON A PACKET OF CONVENIENCE FOOD IN ITALY: "Beasmear a backing pan, previously buttered with good tomato sauce and after, dispose the canelloni, lightly distanced between them in a only couch." ANNOUNCEMENT IN A BELGRADE HOTEL: "The flattening of underwear with pleasue is the job of the chambermaid. Turn to her straightaway." REQUEST OF A TOKYO HOTEL: "Is forbidden to steal hotel towels please. If you are not person to do such a thing is please not to read this notis." FROM A TAILOR IN RHODES: "Order now your summer's suit. Because is big rush we execute customers in strict rotation." BANGKOK DRY CLEANER'S ADVICE: "Drop your trousers here for best results." ON THE MENU OF A BUCHAREST RESTAURANT: "Chicken soup with droppings" and "Chicken roasted in spit." ITALIAN INN PROCLAIMS: "Any day or night our chef will throw up his favorite pasta dish for you." A ROME LAUNDRY'S ADVICE: "Leave your clothes here and spend the afternoon having a good time." ON VARIOUS HONG KONG MENUS: "Sea blubber." SIGN IN THE LOBBY OF A SWEDISH HOTEL: "If this is your first visit to our hotel, you're welcome to it." SWISS RESTAURANT'S MOTTO: "Our wines leave you nothing to hope for." ANNOUNCEMENT AT THE LUGGAGE STAND AT COPENHAGEN AIRPORT: "We take your bags and send them in all directions." ATHEN'S HOTEL RULES: "Visitors are expected to complain between the hours of 9 and 11 a.m. daily." PARISIAN FASHION BANNER: "Dresses for street walking." GETTING ROOM SERVICE IN A GERMAN HOTEL: "If you wish for breakfast in your bedroom, just lift your telephone and speak to the receptionist. This will be enough to bring your food up." FROM THE MENU IN A POLISH RESTAURANT: "Salad a firm's own make; limpid red beet soup with cheesy dumplings in the form of a finger; roasted duck let loose; beef rashers beaten up in the country people's fashion." From mcafee Thu Aug 31 09:46:21 1995 Received: by eco.utexas.edu (4.1/1.34/ECO 1.1) id AA06985; Thu, 31 Aug 95 09:46:21 CDT Date: Thu, 31 Aug 95 09:46:21 CDT From: mcafee (R Preston McAfee) Message-Id: <9508311446.AA06985@eco.utexas.edu> To: joke-archive@eco.utexas.edu Precedence: bulk Subject: Weird Science Those of you who know the barometer joke can skip to the next section. A physics exam asks how to compute the height of a building with a barometer. One student offered three answers: 1. (Triangulation) Measure the height of the barometer. Find the building's shadow, and place the barometer upright on the ground so that the shadow just touches the top of the barometer. Measure the length of the shadow, and the distance from the barometer to the end of the shadow, and use similar triangles to compute the height of the building. 2. (Gravitation). Drop the barometer from the top of the building and time its descent. Use the formula d=16 t^2 to compute the height of the building. 3. (Economics) Find the owner of the building and tell him that if he'll tell you the height of the bulding, you'll give him a good barometer. _____________________________________________________________________ This is an allegedly true story told to me by Victoria Zinde-Walsh, who lived in the former Soviet Union and knew the physicist in question. A professor of physics in the former Soviet Union had been misquoted in the newspaper a number of times. So when the newspaper approached him to answer a reader's question, the physicist refused. The newspaper offered to let him proofread the final version, so that exactly what he said would be printed, and under those circumstances, the physicist agreed. So the reader had written that he was a member of the communist party, and so was his mother, and his mother didn't believe the earth was round, and wouldn't believe it until she read it in a communist newspaper, and would they *please* print a story that the earth is round. So the physicist wrote up a little article about masts coming over the horizon, Magellan sailing around the earth, pictures from space, and how we know the earth is round. The newspaper writes up the article and they go several rounds until the article is just how the physicist wants it, and he oks printing it. The newspaper prints it, just as he wrote it, under the headline "New Advances in Soviet Physics." ____________________________________________________________ I received this from Daniel Quan. A teacher forwarded this list of comments from test papers, essays, etc., submitted to science and health teachers by elementary, junior high, high school, and college students. As she noted, "It is truly astonishing what weird science our young scholars can create under the pressures of time and grades." "H2O is hot water, and CO2 is cold water." "To collect fumes of sulphur, hold a deacon over a flame in a test tube." "When you smell an oderless gas, it is probably carbon monoxide." "Water is composed of two gins, Oxygin and Hydrogin. Oxygin is pure gin. Hydrogin is gin and water." "Three kinds of blood vessels are arteries, vanes and caterpillars." "Blood flows down one leg and up the other." "Respiration is composed of two acts, first inspiration, and then expectoration." "The moon is a planet just like the earth, only it is even deader." "Artifical insemination is when the farmer does it to the cow instead of the bull." "Dew is formed on leaves when the sun shines down on them and makes them perspire." "A super saturated solution is one that holds more than it can hold." "Mushrooms always grow in damp places and so they look like umbrellas." "The pistol of a flower is its only protections against insects." "The skeleton is what is left after the insides have been taken out and the outsides have been taken off. The purpose of the skeleton is something to hitch meat to." "A permanent set of teeth consists of eight canines, eight cuspids, two molars, and eight cuspidors." "The tides are a fight between the Earth and moon. All water tends towards the moon, because there is no water in the moon, and nature abhors a vacuum. I forget where the sun joins in this fight." "A fossil is an extinct animal. The older it is, the more extinct it is." "Equator: A managerie lion running around the Earth through Africa." "Germinate: To become a naturalized German." "Liter: A nest of young puppies." "Magnet: Something you find crawling all over a dead cat." "Momentum: What you give a person when they are going away." "Planet: A body of Earth surrounded by sky." "Rhubarb: A kind of celery gone bloodshot." "Vacuum: A large, empty space where the pope lives." "Before giving a blood transfusion, find out if the blood is affirmative or negative." "To remove dust from the eye, pull the eye down over the nose." "For a nosebleed: Put the nose much lower then the body until the heart stops." "For dog bite: put the dog away for several days. If he has not recovered, then kill it." "For head cold: use an agonizer to spray the nose until it drops in your throat." "To keep milk from turning sour: Keep it in the cow." From mcafee Thu Aug 31 17:43:31 1995 Received: by eco.utexas.edu (4.1/1.34/ECO 1.1) id AA01160; Thu, 31 Aug 95 17:43:31 CDT Date: Thu, 31 Aug 95 17:43:31 CDT From: mcafee (R Preston McAfee) Message-Id: <9508312243.AA01160@eco.utexas.edu> To: joke-archive@eco.utexas.edu Precedence: bulk Subject: Whale of a time I put this out years ago, then lost it. Here it is again, thanks to Kevin Kosh. I think the original source is Dave Barry. ____________________________________________________________ The Farside comes to life in Oregon. I am absolutely not making this incident up; in fact I have it all on videotape. The tape is from a local TV news show in Oregon, which sent a reporter out to cover the removal of a 45-foot, eight-ton dead whale that washed up on the beach. The responsibility for getting rid of the carcass was placed on the Oregon State Highway Division, apparently on the theory that highways and whales are very similar in the sense of being large objects. So anyway, the highway engineers hit upon the plan--remember, I am not making this up--of blowing up the whale with dynamite. The thinking is that the whale would be blown into small pieces, which would be eaten by seagulls, and that would be that. A textbook whale removal. So they moved the spectators back up the beach, put a half-ton of dynamite next to the whale and set it off. I am probably not guilty of understatement when I say that what follows, on the videotape, is the most wonderful event in the history of the universe. First you see the whale carcass disappear in a huge blast of smoke and flame. Then you hear the happy spectators shouting "Yayy!" and "Whee!" Then, suddenly, the crowd's tone changes. You hear a new sound like "splud." You hear a woman's voice shouting "Here come pieces of...MY GOD!" Something smears the camera lens. Later, the reporter explains: "The humor of the entire situation suddenly gave way to a run for survival as huge chunks of whale blubber fell everywhere." One piece caved in the roof of a car parked more than a quarter of a mile away. Remaining on the beach were several rotting whale sectors the size of condominium units. There was no sign of the seagulls who had no doubt permanently relocated to Brazil. This is a very sobering videotape. Here at the institute we watch it often, especially at parties. But this is no time for gaiety. This is a time to get hold of the folks at the Oregon State Highway Division and ask them, when they get done cleaning up the beaches, to give us an estimate on the US Capitol. From mcafee Thu Aug 31 18:14:39 1995 Received: by eco.utexas.edu (4.1/1.34/ECO 1.1) id AA02177; Thu, 31 Aug 95 18:14:39 CDT Date: Thu, 31 Aug 95 18:14:39 CDT From: mcafee (R Preston McAfee) Message-Id: <9508312314.AA02177@eco.utexas.edu> To: joke-archive@eco.utexas.edu Precedence: bulk Subject: Quincy's Memoirs I have unsuccessfully tried to verify this story, by working backwards from the sender and drawing a blank 5 layers deep. It's probably the plot of a Patricia Cornwall novel or a law school exercise. A journalist was unable to find the story, but was unable to verify it, although: > He had no success finding the story. We did, however, find a reference > to a "Ronald Ann and Opus" in a comic strip, from which, I bet, the name > "Ronald Opus" is derived. 1994's MOST BIZARRE SUICIDE At the 1994 annual awards dinner given by the American Association for Forensic Science, AAFS President Don Harper Mills astounded his audience in San Diego with the legal complications of a bizarre death. Here is the story. "On 23 March 1994, the medical examiner viewed the body of Ronald Opus and concluded that he died from a shotgun wound of the head. The decedent had jumped from the top of a ten-story building intending to commit suicide (he left a note indicating his despondency). As he fell past the ninth floor, his life was interrupted by a shotgun blast through a window, which killed him instantly. Neither the shooter nor the decedent was aware that a safety net had been erected at the eighth floor level to protect some window washers and that Opus would not have been able to complete his suicide anyway because of this." "Ordinarily," Dr. Mills continued, "a person who sets out to commit suicide and ultimately succeeds, even though the mechanism might not be what he intended. That Opus was shot on the way to certain death nine stories below probably would not have changed his mode of death from suicide to homicide. But the fact that his suicidal intent would not have been successful caused the medical examiner to feel that he had homicide on his hands. "The room on the ninth floor whence the shotgun blast emanated was occupied by an elderly man and his wife. They were arguing and he was threatening her with the shotgun. He was so upset that, when he pulled the trigger, he completely missed his wife and the pellets went through the a window striking Opus. "When one intends to kill subject A but kills subject B in the attempt, one is guilty of the murder of subject B. When confronted with this charge, the old man and his wife were both adamant that neither knew that the shotgun was loaded. The old man said it was his long-standing habit to threaten his wife with the unloaded shotgun. He had no intention to murder her therefore, the killing of Opus appeared to be an accident. That is, the gun had been accidentally loaded. "The continuing investigation turned up a witness who saw the old couple's son loading the shotgun approximately six weeks prior to the fatal incident. It transpired that the old lady had cut off her son's financial support and the son, knowing the propensity of his father to use the shotgun threateningly, loaded the gun with the expectation that his father would shoot his mother. The case now becomes one of murder on the part of the son for the death of Ronald Opus. There was an exquisite twist. "Further investigation revealed that the son [Ronald Opus] had become increasingly despondent over the failure of his attempt to engineer his mother's murder. This led him to jump off the ten-story building on March 23, only to be killed by a shotgun blast through a ninth story window. "The medical examiner closed the case as a suicide." From mcafee Fri Sep 1 16:36:50 1995 Received: by eco.utexas.edu (4.1/1.34/ECO 1.1) id AA01284; Fri, 1 Sep 95 16:36:50 CDT Date: Fri, 1 Sep 95 16:36:50 CDT From: mcafee (R Preston McAfee) Message-Id: <9509012136.AA01284@eco.utexas.edu> To: joke-archive@eco.utexas.edu Precedence: bulk Subject: Frozen Flying Fowl The FAA has a device for testing the strength of windshields on airplanes. They point this thing at the windshield of the aircraft and shoot a dead chicken at about the speed the aircraft normally flies at it. If the windshield doesn't break, it's likely to survive a real collision with a bird during flight. The British had recently built a new locomotive that could pull a train faster than any before it. They were not sure that its windshield was strong enough so they borrowed the testing device from the FAA, reset it to approximate the maximum speed of the locomotive, loaded in the dead chicken, and fired. The bird went through the windshield, broke the engineer's chair, and made a major dent in the back wall of the engine cab. They were quite surprised with this result, so they asked the FAA to check the test to see if everything was done correctly. The FAA checked everything and suggested that they might want to repeat the test using a thawed chicken. _________________________________________ Thanks to Dale Stahl for passing this on. From mcafee Mon Sep 4 13:06:50 1995 Received: by eco.utexas.edu (4.1/1.34/ECO 1.1) id AA02589; Mon, 4 Sep 95 13:06:50 CDT Date: Mon, 4 Sep 95 13:06:50 CDT From: mcafee (R Preston McAfee) Message-Id: <9509041806.AA02589@eco.utexas.edu> To: joke-archive@eco.utexas.edu Precedence: bulk Subject: The rain sounded like someone smashing potato chips... (transcribed without permission from the Washington Post, July 23, 1995) In which we asked you to come up with bad analogies. The results were great, though we feel compelled to point out that there is a fine line between an anology that is so bad it is good and an analogy that is so good it is bad. See what we mean. 2nd Runner-Up: I felt a nameless dread. Well, there probably is a long German name for it, like Geschpooklichkeit or something, but I don't speak German. Anyway, it's a dread that nobody knows the name for, like those little square plastic gizmos that close your bread bags. I don't know the name for those either. (Jack Bross, Chevy Chase) 1st Runner-Up: She was as unhappy as when someone puts your cake out in the rain, and all the sweet green icing flows down and then you lose the recipe, and on top of that you can't sing worth a damn. (Joseph Romm, Washington) And the winner of the framed Scarlet Fever sign: His fountain pen was so expensive it looked as if someone had grabbed the pope, turned him upside down and started writing with the tip of his big pointy hat. (Jeffrey Carl, Richmond) Honorable Mentions: - He was as tall as a six-foot-three-inch tree. (Jack Bross, Chevy Chase) - The politician was gone but unnoticed, like the period after the Dr. on a Dr Pepper can. (Wayne Goode, Madison, Ala.) - He spoke with the wisdom that can only come from experience, like a guy who went blind because he looked at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it and now goes around the country speaking at high schools about the dangers of looking at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it. (Joseph Romm, Washington) - She caught your eye like one of those pointy hook latches that used to dangle from screen doors and would fly up whenever you banged the door open again. (Rich Murphy, Fairfax Station) - She was sending me more mixed signals than a dyslexic third-base coach. (Jack Bross, Chevy Chase) - The little boat gently drifted across the pond exactly the way a bowling ball wouldn't. (Russell Beland, Springfield) - Having O.J. try on the bloody glove was a stroke of genius unseen since the debut of Goober on "Mayberry R.F.D". (John Kammer, Herndon) - From the attic came an unearthly howl. The whole scene had an eerie, surreal quality, like when you're on vacation in another city and "Jeopardy" comes on at 7 p.m. instead of 7:30. (Roy Ashley, Washington) - Her eyes were like two brown circles with big black dots in the center. (Russell Beland, Springfield) - Bob was as perplexed as a hacker who means to access T:\flw.quid>55328.com\aaakk/ch@ung but gets T:\flw.quid>aaakk/ch@ung by mistake. (Ken Krattenmaker, Landover Hills) - Her vocabulary was as bad as, like, whatever. - Her date was pleasant enough, but she knew that if her life was a movie this guy would be buried in the credits as something like "Second Tall Man." (Russell Beland, Springfield) - Long separated by cruel fate, the star-crossed lovers raced across the grassy field toward each other like two freight trains, one having left Cleveland at 6:36 p.m. traveling at 55 mph, the other from Topeka at 4:19 p.m. at a speed of 35 mph. (Jennifer Hart, Arlington) - They lived in a typical suburban neighborhood with picket fences that resembled Nancy Kerrigan's teeth (Paul Kocak, Syracuse, N.Y.) - John and Mary had never met. They were like two hummingbirds who had also never met. (Russell Beland, Springfield) - The thunder was ominous-sounding, much like the sound of a thin sheet of metal being shaken backstage during the storm scene in a play. (Barbara Fetherolf, Alexandria) - His thoughts tumbled in his head, making and breaking alliances like underpants in a dryer without Cling Free (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge) - The red brick wall was the color of a brick-red Crayola crayon. (Jennifer Frank and Jimmy Pontzer, Washington and Sterling) __________________________________________________________________ Thanks to Susan Athey for passing this on. From mcafee Thu Sep 7 16:04:40 1995 Received: by eco.utexas.edu (4.1/1.34/ECO 1.1) id AA28437; Thu, 7 Sep 95 16:04:40 CDT Date: Thu, 7 Sep 95 16:04:40 CDT From: mcafee (R Preston McAfee) Message-Id: <9509072104.AA28437@eco.utexas.edu> To: joke-archive@eco.utexas.edu Precedence: bulk Subject: Playing Hardball From letters section of the Aug. 14 issue of the New Yorker: "Editors' Note: A mistake made by a transcription service mangled a quotation from William Bennett in Michael Kelly's July 17th letter from Washington. In criticizing the political views of Patrick Buchanan, Mr. Bennett said 'it's a real us-and-them kind of thing,' not, as we reported, 'it's a real S & M kind of thing.' " From mcafee Sat Sep 16 00:07:48 1995 Received: by eco.utexas.edu (4.1/1.34/ECO 1.1) id AA23583; Sat, 16 Sep 95 00:07:48 CDT Date: Sat, 16 Sep 95 00:07:48 CDT From: mcafee (R Preston McAfee) Message-Id: <9509160507.AA23583@eco.utexas.edu> To: joke-archive@eco.utexas.edu Precedence: bulk Subject: New Internet Frontiers Why did it take Packwood so long to leave Washington? He had to kiss former lovers goodbye. Hal Varian provided the following, which you should surely look for: Commercial domains registered by Procter and Gamble during the two weeks ended Aug. 25. 1995. Procter and Gamble (ANTIPERSPIRANT-DOM) Procter and Gamble (BACTERIA-DOM) Procter and Gamble (BADBREATH-DOM) Procter and Gamble (BEAUTIFUL-DOM) Procter and Gamble (BRIGHTEN-DOM) Procter and Gamble (BRIGHTENING-DOM) Procter and Gamble (BRIGHTENS-DOM) Procter and Gamble (CAVITIES-DOM) Procter and Gamble (CLEANS-DOM) Procter and Gamble (COMPLEXION-DOM) Procter and Gamble (CONDITIONER-DOM) Procter and Gamble (DANDRUFF-DOM) Procter and Gamble (DENTALCARE-DOM) Procter and Gamble (DENTURES-DOM) Procter and Gamble (DEODERANT-DOM) Procter and Gamble (DIARRHEA-DOM) Procter and Gamble (DISHES-DOM) Procter and Gamble (DISINFECT-DOM) Procter and Gamble (DRY-DOM) Procter and Gamble (FRESHNESS-DOM) Procter and Gamble (GERMS-DOM) Procter and Gamble (GUMS-DOM) Procter and Gamble (HEADACHE-DOM) Procter and Gamble (HYGIENE-DOM) Procter and Gamble (NAILS-DOM) Procter and Gamble (PIMPLES-DOM) Procter and Gamble (ROMANTIC-DOM) Procter and Gamble (SCALP-DOM) Procter and Gamble (SENSITIVE-DOM) Procter and Gamble (SENSUAL2-DOM) Procter and Gamble (STAINS-DOM) Procter and Gamble (THIRST-DOM) Procter and Gamble (TISSUES-DOM) Procter and Gamble (TOILETPAPER-DOM) Procter and Gamble (UNDERARM-DOM) Procter and Gamble (UNDERARMS-DOM) From mcafee Sun Sep 17 07:58:51 1995 Received: by eco.utexas.edu (4.1/1.34/ECO 1.1) id AA14904; Sun, 17 Sep 95 07:58:51 CDT Date: Sun, 17 Sep 95 07:58:51 CDT From: mcafee (R Preston McAfee) Message-Id: <9509171258.AA14904@eco.utexas.edu> To: joke-archive@eco.utexas.edu Precedence: bulk Subject: See Dick Strike Out Brasilia, Brazil - AIDS awareness ads showing a womanizer arguing with his penis, nicknamed Braulio, were removed from the airwaves Saturday in part because children named Braulio were being teased. The ads, first aired on TV and radio Thursday, feature a man at odds with his penis, which insists on having indiscriminate sex with as many women as possible without using a condom. In one spot, Braulio's owner, played by a fully clothed actor sitting in a chair, has the following dialogue with Braulio: Braulio: "This place is full of interesting women." Owner: "Behave yourself, Braulio." Braulio: "How do you expect me to behave with so many beautiful women?" Owner: "OK, but if you come out you're going to have to wear a condom." Braulio: "OK, you win. But get the condom quickly because there's this gorgeous woman staring at me." The CBN all-news radio network said its Brasilia affiliates got indignant calls from relatives of Braulios concerned about jokes and improprieties. "In a first world country, we'd be getting rich with a libel suit," said businessman Braulio Torres, 58, who told the daily Estado de Sao Paulo he's been the brunt of jokes since the ads began." The Health Ministry hired the Master polling agency in the southern city of Curitiba to find out popular nicknames for the male sex organ, newspapers reported. Among them were Anastacio, Bimbo, Tonho, Petronio and Braulio. The oBther namesCwere Creportedly discarded for different reasons - Petronio was too long [!], Bimbo too childish. Braulio was felt to be just right. *AzbI> This To: joke-archive@eco.utexas.edu Precedence: bulk Subject: See Dick Strike Out, Again Line noise sent an earlier version of this unfinished. Sorry. _____________________________ From today's Austin American-Statesman, quoted verbatim: Brasilia, Brazil - AIDS awareness ads showing a womanizer arguing with his penis, nicknamed Braulio, were removed from the airwaves Saturday in part because children named Braulio were being teased. The ads, first aired on TV and radio Thursday, feature a man at odds with his penis, which insists on having indiscriminate sex with as many women as possible without using a condom. In one spot, Braulio's owner, played by a fully clothed actor sitting in a chair, has the following dialogue with Braulio: Braulio: "This place is full of interesting women." Owner: "Behave yourself, Braulio." Braulio: "How do you expect me to behave with so many beautiful women?" Owner: "OK, but if you come out you're going to have to wear a condom." Braulio: "OK, you win. But get the condom quickly because there's this gorgeous woman staring at me." The CBN all-news radio network said its Brasilia affiliates got indignant calls from relatives of Braulios concerned about jokes and improprieties. "In a first world country, we'd be getting rich with a libel suit," said businessman Braulio Torres, 58, who told the daily Estado de Sao Paulo he's been the brunt of jokes since the ads began." The Health Ministry hired the Master polling agency in the southern city of Curitiba to find out popular nicknames for the male sex organ, newspapers reported. Among them were Anastacio, Bimbo, Tonho, Petronio and Braulio. The other names were reportedly discarded for different reasons - Petronio was too long [!], Bimbo too childish. Braulio was felt to be just right. From mcafee Mon Sep 18 12:48:49 1995 Received: by eco.utexas.edu (4.1/1.34/ECO 1.1) id AA13191; Mon, 18 Sep 95 12:48:49 CDT Date: Mon, 18 Sep 95 12:48:49 CDT From: mcafee (R Preston McAfee) Message-Id: <9509181748.AA13191@eco.utexas.edu> To: joke-archive@eco.utexas.edu Precedence: bulk Subject: Name Recognition OTTAWA (Reuter) - A gas station owner named Dick Assman, plucked from obscurity and made the butt of jokes on the David Letterman comedy talk show, has become a star in Canada, a polling company said Monday. Assman, from the province of Saskatchewan, was a regular feature on Letterman's show early in the summer and the Angus Reid polling group has found that half of Canadians now recognize Assman's name and more than one million Canadians said they would vote for him if he ran for public office. _______________________________________ Provided by Lones Smith. From mcafee Fri Sep 22 12:09:36 1995 Received: by eco.utexas.edu (4.1/1.34/ECO 1.1) id AA00752; Fri, 22 Sep 95 12:09:36 CDT Date: Fri, 22 Sep 95 12:09:36 CDT From: mcafee (R Preston McAfee) Message-Id: <9509221709.AA00752@eco.utexas.edu> To: joke-archive@eco.utexas.edu Precedence: bulk Subject: Rattled PLAYING CATCH WITH RATTLESNAKE LEAVES MAN DEAD ANNISTON, Ala. - One man died and another was hospitalized after the two had played catch using a live rattlesnake. Calhoun County Coroner Benney Hulsey said that Joe Buddy Caine, 35, of Edwardsville, Ala., was pronounced dead at Regional Medical Center in Anniston. He died a little more than an hour after being bitten on the arm by a 4-foot rattlesnake Wednesday night. Junior Bright, whose age was unavailable, was also bitten. He remained in serious condition at the medical center late Thursday. Cleburne Emergency Medical Service medic Skipper Bailey said the men told ambulance personnel they had been drinking following a day of work at a farm. After the two became intoxicated, they found the snake. Bailey said the two would catch the snake by the tail, let it go and catch it again. "Then the snake got tired of being caught by the tail," Bailey said. It first bit Bright on the hand. When Caine attempted to kill it, the snake struck him on the arm. Help was delayed because they called 911 for an ambulance instead of going to the hospital. They were semi-conscious when paramedics arrived. Caine went into cardiac arrest on the way to the hospital. ____________________________________ From the Houston Chronicle, Saturday, Sept. 9, 1995, p.9A. Thanks to Clayton Vernon for passing a copy of this article on to me. From mcafee Tue Sep 26 14:09:36 1995 Received: by eco.utexas.edu (4.1/1.34/ECO 1.1) id AA07017; Tue, 26 Sep 95 14:09:36 CDT Date: Tue, 26 Sep 95 14:09:36 CDT From: mcafee (R Preston McAfee) Message-Id: <9509261909.AA07017@eco.utexas.edu> To: joke-archive@eco.utexas.edu Precedence: bulk Subject: Trumping the Dummy From the New Republic: "In his diaries, Oregon Senator Bob Packwood said of a bridge opponent: 'God, was she a good player, I was so fascinated in watching her bid and play that I could hardly concentrate on the breasts.'" __________________________ Thanks to David M. Frankel From mcafee Wed Sep 27 13:22:56 1995 Received: by eco.utexas.edu (4.1/1.34/ECO 1.1) id AA29297; Wed, 27 Sep 95 13:22:56 CDT Date: Wed, 27 Sep 95 13:22:56 CDT From: mcafee (R Preston McAfee) Message-Id: <9509271822.AA29297@eco.utexas.edu> To: joke-archive@eco.utexas.edu Precedence: bulk Subject: More for the Relationship-Challenged THE FIVE TOUGHEST QUESTIONS WOMEN ASK...AND THEIR ANSWERS The five questions are: 1 - "What are you thinking?" 2 - "Do you love me?" 3 - "Do I look fat?" 4 - "Do you think she is prettier than me?" 5 - "What would you do if I died?" What makes these questions so bad is that every one is guaranteed to explode into a major argument and/or divorce if the man does not answer properly, which is to say dishonestly. For example: 1 - "What are you thinking?" The proper answer to this question, of course, is, "I'm sorry if I've been pensive, dear. I was just reflecting on what a warm, wonderful, caring, thoughtful, intelligent, beautiful woman you are and what a lucky guy I am to have met you." Obviously, this statement bears no resemblance whatsoever to what the guy was really thinking at the time, which was most likely one of five things: a - Baseball b - Football [in Canada, substitute Hockey] c - How fat you are. d - How much prettier she is than you. e - How he would spend the insurance money if you died. According to the Sassy article, the best answer to this stupid question came from Al Bundy, of Married With Children, who was asked it by his wife, Peg. "If I wanted you to know," Al said, "I'd be talking instead of thinking." The other questions also have only one right answer but many wrong answers: 2 - "Do you love me?" The correct answer to this question is, "Yes." For those guys who feel the need to be more elaborate, you may answer, "Yes, dear." Wrong answers include: a - I suppose so. b - Would it make you feel better if I said yes? c - That depends on what you mean by "love". d - Does it matter? e - Who, me? 3 - "Do I look fat?" The correct male response to this question is to confidently and emphatically state, "No, of course not" and then leave the room at the first opportunity. Wrong answers include: a - I wouldn't call you fat, but I wouldn't call you thin either. b - Compared to what? c - A little extra weight looks good on you. d - I've seen fatter. e - Could you repeat the question? I was thinking about your insurance policy. 4 - "Do you think she's prettier than me?" The "she" in the question could be an ex-girlfriend, a passer-by you were starring at so hard that you almost cause a traffic accident or an actress in a movie you just saw. In any case, the correct response is, "No, you are much prettier." Wrong answers include: a - Not prettier, just pretty in a different way. b - I don't know how one goes about rating such things. c - Yes, but you have a better personality. d - Only in the sense that she's younger and thinner. e - Could you repeat the question? I was thinking about your insurance policy. 5 - "What would you do if I died?" Correct answer: "Dearest love, in the event that you predecease me, life would cease to have meaning for me and I would perforce hurl myself under the front tires of the first Domino's Pizza truck that came my way." This might be the stupidest question of the lot, as is illustrated by the following stupid joke: "Dear," said the wife. "What would you do if I died?" "Why, dear, I would be extremely upset," said the husband. "Why do you ask such a question?" "Would you remarry?" persevered the wife. "No, of couse not, dear" said the husband. "Don't you like being married?" said the wife. "Of course I do, dear" he said. "Then why wouldn't you remarry?" "Alright," said the husband, "I'd remarry." "You would?" said the wife, looking vaguely hurt. "Yes" said the husband. "Would you sleep with her in our bed?" said the wife, after a long pause. "Well yes, I suppose I would." replied the husband. "I see," said the wife indignantly." And would you let her wear my old clothes?" "I suppose, if she wanted to" said the husband. "Really," said the wife icily. "And would you take down the pictures of me and replace them with pictures of her?" "Yes. I think that would be the correct thing to do." "Is that so?" said the wife, leaping to her feet. "And I suppose you'd let her play with my golf clubs, too." "Of course not, dear," said the husband. "She's left-handed." From mcafee Thu Sep 28 12:16:48 1995 Received: by eco.utexas.edu (4.1/1.34/ECO 1.1) id AA25596; Thu, 28 Sep 95 12:16:48 CDT Date: Thu, 28 Sep 95 12:16:48 CDT From: mcafee (R Preston McAfee) Message-Id: <9509281716.AA25596@eco.utexas.edu> To: joke-archive@eco.utexas.edu Precedence: bulk Subject: Golf Perils A man returns home on Saturday morning from his customary round of golf. His wife meets him at the door and exclaims, "Honey, what happened? You look awful!" The man replies, "You won't believe it. Harry and I were just teeing off on the third hole when he suffered a massive heart attack and dropped dead on the spot." His wife responds "No wonder you look so bad; what a terrible morning!" "You're not kidding," the man replied, "I had to carry him for sixteen holes because we didn't have a cart!" _____________________________________ Thanks to Curt Taylor. From mcafee Fri Sep 29 13:35:19 1995 Received: by eco.utexas.edu (4.1/1.34/ECO 1.1) id AA15979; Fri, 29 Sep 95 13:35:19 CDT Date: Fri, 29 Sep 95 13:35:19 CDT From: mcafee (R Preston McAfee) Message-Id: <9509291835.AA15979@eco.utexas.edu> To: joke-archive@eco.utexas.edu Precedence: bulk Subject: Approximations For those of you who still have any confidence in Microsoft products, find yourself a Mac or PC and run Excel. Then type the following number into a cell: 1.40737488355328 For those without it handy - Excel turns this number to 0.64. On some PowerMacs, it turns it into 1.28. This effect seems to work on lots of versions, including the latest. However, you shouldn't worry too much about this - the Pentium will change it back. I haven't personally verified this story (it comes from a usually reliable source), because I don't use spreadsheets myself, since I figure spreadsheets are appropriate for sociologists, research assistants or business school professors. From mcafee Tue Oct 3 18:46:58 1995 Received: by eco.utexas.edu (4.1/1.34/ECO 1.1) id AA16088; Tue, 3 Oct 95 18:46:58 CDT Date: Tue, 3 Oct 95 18:46:58 CDT From: mcafee (R Preston McAfee) Message-Id: <9510032346.AA16088@eco.utexas.edu> To: joke-archive@eco.utexas.edu Precedence: bulk Subject: Tried and True What did OJ say to Judge Ito, after the acquittal? Can I have my hat and gloves back? What did Ronald Reagan say to OJ? Now that this is all over, I want you and Nicole to come over for dinner. How will OJ earn enough money to pay his lawyers? Advertising the Ginzu knife ("See it slice this tomato..."). From mcafee Thu Oct 5 10:15:46 1995 Received: by eco.utexas.edu (4.1/1.34/ECO 1.1) id AA21824; Thu, 5 Oct 95 10:15:46 CDT Date: Thu, 5 Oct 95 10:15:46 CDT From: mcafee (R Preston McAfee) Message-Id: <9510051515.AA21824@eco.utexas.edu> To: joke-archive@eco.utexas.edu Precedence: bulk Subject: The Marginal Product of Labor How many Teamsters does it take to screw in a lightbulb? Twelve. You gotta problem with that? _____________________________________ Thanks to Max Stinchcombe. From mcafee Wed Oct 11 21:51:02 1995 Received: by eco.utexas.edu (4.1/1.34/ECO 1.1) id AA08149; Wed, 11 Oct 95 21:51:02 CDT Date: Wed, 11 Oct 95 21:51:02 CDT From: mcafee (R Preston McAfee) Message-Id: <9510120251.AA08149@eco.utexas.edu> To: joke-archive@eco.utexas.edu Precedence: bulk Subject: Never Mind I posted some of these a while back, but this is a remarkable list. ___________________________________________________________________ "Computers in the future may weigh no more than 1.5 tons." --Popular Mechanics, forecasting the relentless march of science, 1949 "I think there is a world market for maybe five computers." --Thomas Watson, chairman of IBM, 1943 "I have traveled the length and breadth of this country and talked with the best people, and I can assure you that data processing is a fad that won't last out the year." --The editor in charge of business books for Prentice Hall, 1957 "But what ... is it good for?" --Engineer at the Advanced Computing Systems Division of IBM, 1968, commenting on the microchip. "There is no reason anyone would want a computer in their home." --Ken Olson, president, chairman and founder of Digital Equipment Corp., 1977 "640K ought to be enough for anybody." -- Bill Gates, 1981 "This 'telephone' has too many shortcomings to be seriously considered as a means of communication. The device is inherently of no value to us." --Western Union internal memo, 1876. "The wireless music box has no imaginable commercial value. Who would pay for a message sent to nobody in particular?" --David Sarnoff's associates in response to his urgings for investment in the radio in the 1920s. "The concept is interesting and well-formed, but in order to earn better than a 'C,' the idea must be feasible." --A Yale University management professor in response to Fred Smith's paper proposing reliable overnight delivery service. (Smith went on to found Federal Express Corp.) "Who the hell wants to hear actors talk?" --H.M. Warner, Warner Brothers, 1927. "I'm just glad it'll be Clark Gable who's falling on his face and not Gary Cooper." --Gary Cooper on his decision not to take the leading role in "Gone With The Wind." "A cookie store is a bad idea. Besides, the market research reports say America likes crispy cookies, not soft and chewy cookies like you make." --Response to Debbi Fields' idea of starting Mrs. Fields' Cookies. "We don't like their sound, and guitar music is on the way out." --Decca Recording Co. rejecting the Beatles, 1962. "Heavier-than-air flying machines are impossible." --Lord Kelvin, president, Royal Society, 1895. "If I had thought about it, I wouldn't have done the experiment. The literature was full of examples that said you can't do this." --Spencer Silver on the work that led to the unique adhesives for 3-M "Post-It" Notepads. "So we went to Atari and said, 'Hey, we've got this amazing thing, even built with some of your parts, and what do you think about funding us? Or we' ll give it to you. We just want to do it. Pay our salary, we'll come work for you.' And they said, 'No.' So then we went to Hewlett-Packard, and they said, 'Hey, we don't need you. You haven't got through college yet.'" --Apple Computer Inc. founder Steve Jobs on attempts to get Atari and H-P interested in his and Steve Wozniak's personal computer. "Professor Goddard does not know the relation between action and reaction and the need to have something better than a vacuum against which to react. He seems to lack the basic knowledge ladled out daily in high schools." --1921 New York Times editorial about Robert Goddard's revolutionary rocket work. "You want to have consistent and uniform muscle development across all of your muscles? It can't be done. It's just a fact of life. You just have to accept inconsistent muscle development as an unalterable condition of weight training." --Response to Arthur Jones, who solved the "unsolvable" problem by inventing Nautilus. "Drill for oil? You mean drill into the ground to try and find oil? You're crazy." --Drillers who Edwin L. Drake tried to enlist to his project to drill for oil in 1859. "Stocks have reached what looks like a permanently high plateau." --Irving Fisher, Professor of Economics, Yale University, 1929. "Airplanes are interesting toys but of no military value." --Marechal Ferdinand Foch, Professor of Strategy, Ecole Superieure de Guerre. "Everything that can be invented has been invented." --Charles H. Duell, Commissioner, U.S. Office of Patents, 1899. "Louis Pasteur's theory of germs is ridiculous fiction". --Pierre Pachet, Professor of Physiology at Toulouse, 1872 "The abdomen, the chest, and the brain will forever be shut from the intrusion of the wise and humane surgeon". --Sir John Eric Ericksen, British surgeon, appointed Surgeon- Extraordinary to Queen Victoria 1873. From mcafee Wed Oct 11 22:46:27 1995 Received: by eco.utexas.edu (4.1/1.34/ECO 1.1) id AA14498; Wed, 11 Oct 95 22:46:27 CDT Date: Wed, 11 Oct 95 22:46:27 CDT From: mcafee (R Preston McAfee) Message-Id: <9510120346.AA14498@eco.utexas.edu> To: joke-archive@eco.utexas.edu Precedence: bulk Subject: Living Well Joshua Gans offers the following addendum to Never Mind, appropriate given Lucas' Nobel Prize: "the major conclusion is known, and the novelty of the paper resides in the analysis ... If it has a clear result, it is hidden by the exposition." - the editor of the AER in rejecting Lucas' "Expectations and the Neutrality of Money" "But I am not at all sure that the very abstract presentation which reduces what is going on economically to a bare minimum will have wide appeal to the reader of the AER." - a referee in rejecting Lucas' "Expectations and the Neutrality of Money" __________________________________________________________________ But the AER has gotten *much* better... From mcafee Thu Oct 12 10:42:51 1995 Received: by eco.utexas.edu (4.1/1.34/ECO 1.1) id AA28946; Thu, 12 Oct 95 10:42:51 CDT Date: Thu, 12 Oct 1995 10:42:50 -0500 (CDT) From: R Preston McAfee X-Sender: mcafee@mundo To: joke-archive@eco.utexas.edu Subject: Corrections to Never Mind Message-Id: Mime-Version: 1.0 Content-Type: TEXT/PLAIN; charset=US-ASCII From: rjs@rpcp.mit.edu (Richard Jay Solomon) While some of these quotes are true, others are proven urban myths. Neither Harry nor Sam Warner said that about talkies (though I have often seen it ascribed to one or the other). Indeed, in 1927, Warner Bros. was betting the farm on sound movies, funded the "Jazz Singer," and later won an important patent infringement against Western Electric on sound movies. No one at Western Union wrote that memo. It was forged many decades later as a joke. W.U. was actively pursuing telephone patents in the late 1870s; they just bet on the wrong inventor and settled out of court with AT&T later. Actually the story is very complicated, but they liked telephones enough to build systems even before Alex. Tom Watson, Sr. didn't even know what a computer was in 1943 -- they were top secret and the only one was in Britain at Bletchley. Von Neumann made that statement in 1954 (I have witnesses on tape) when he was a consultant to IBM on the 701. Watson Jr. was the one who pushed the machine through IBM. He was an optimist. He estimated that they would sell twenty 701s, and they only sold 19. The U.K. Ministry of Trade put out a report around 1951 stating there was only need for ONE Commonwealth computer and there were going to put it in India so they could fly the printouts to all parts of the Empire with equal time. Von Neumann was responding to that report -- he thought he was being optimistic but cautioned that after all the math "problems" were solved, we should scrap all but one machine, and keep that last one in the Smithsonian for demos. He was right. His Edvac is in the Smithsonian. The Woz _was_ working for HP. He quit when they turned him down on the Apple I breadboard, sold his humongous HP calculator, and went into business with Jobs. The Sarnoff memo was also a forgery to make him look good. Again, the real story of radio is much more complicated. Sarnoff wasn't even a player at the time. From owner-joke@eco.utexas.edu Sat Oct 14 16:06:48 1995 Received: by eco.utexas.edu (4.1/1.34/ECO 1.1) id AA25859; Sat, 14 Oct 95 16:06:48 CDT Date: Sat, 14 Oct 95 16:06:48 CDT Message-Id: <9510142106.AA25859@eco.utexas.edu> To: joke@eco.utexas.edu (R Preston McAfee) From: owner-joke@eco.utexas.edu (R Preston McAfee) Reply-To: mcafee Precedence: bulk Subject: Do as I say Subject: Hands-on demonstration HONOLULU, Oct.13 (AP) - An anger-management consultant counselor beat a client into a coma at a class on controlling violent behavior, the police said. The counselor was charged with manslaughter on Thursday, after the client died in a hospital. The victim, Miguel Gonzales, 32, had been unconscious since Monday night, when the authorities said he was beaten by the counselor, Charles Mahuka, a leader of an anger-management class that Mr. Gonzales was ordered to attend for assaulting his girlfriend. (NYTimes, October 14, 1995) __________________________________________________________________ Thanks to Leonardo Auernheimer for bringing this to our attention. -- To unsubscribe from this list send a message to majordomo@eco.utexas.edu containing the line "unsubscribe joke". Previous messages are available from http://eco.utexas.edu or gopher://eco.utexas.edu. From owner-joke@eco.utexas.edu Tue Oct 17 21:00:07 1995 Date: Tue, 17 Oct 95 21:00:07 CDT To: joke@eco.utexas.edu From: owner-joke@eco.utexas.edu (R Preston McAfee) Reply-To: mcafee@eco.utexas.edu Subject: Spanning Condition Paragon Cable in New York uses a novel strategy to get its customers to pay their overdue bills. Instead of incurring the costs associated with unhooking the cable and reconnecting it, Paragon runs C-SPAN on all 77 channels. It's supposedly the most effective bill collection measure yet. (Telecommunications Policy Review 8 Oct 95 p9) _______________________________________________________ Thanks to "El Deano." This item also appeared in "News of the Weird." -- To unsubscribe from this list send a message containing the words unsubscribe joke to majordomo@eco.utexas.edu. Previous messages are available from http://eco.utexas.edu or gopher://eco.utexas.edu. From owner-joke@eco.utexas.edu Tue Oct 24 14:17:12 1995 Date: Tue, 24 Oct 95 14:17:12 CDT To: joke@eco.utexas.edu From: owner-joke@eco.utexas.edu (R Preston McAfee) Reply-To: mcafee@eco.utexas.edu Subject: The Untied Nations This is excerpted from a story in today's Washington Post, by Henry Allen. THE UNTIED NATIONS: MAPPING A NEW WORLD DISORDER Isn't it time the United Nations stopped this global village idiocy and put on its thinking cap? Today, pathetically, it groups countries together merely because they're next to each other, and then gives them a name such as "South Asia" or "Europe." This is known as the fallacy of deterministic contiguity. Granted, there have been such noncontiguous groupings as the "Third World," which links Bangladesh and Sudan with parts of New Jersey by virtue of squalor, hopelessness and bad drivers. Now, if only the United Nations would move into the computer age, it could come up with infinite combinations of nationhood, such as: Countries where any of the following can be used in lieu of currency: chewing gum, Levi's, surface-to-air missles. Countries whose leaders appear in bulky armchairs that seem made for no other use but photo opportunities: Syria and China, for instance. Countries where the trains run on time. Countries where the trains never run on time. Countries where there used to be trains. Countries where nobody knows what time it is. There could be the U.N. Office of Somewhat Boring, Truce-Brokering, Nuclear-Sub-Protesting Countries, which include Sweden, Canada, Belgium, Switzerland and Costa Rica, the sort of countries where peace treaties get signed, along with accords, protocols, white papers and processes, all in a cordial atmosphere of mutual understanding watched over by Jimmy Carter. We could have Organizations for Countries Whose Leading Spectator Sports are Bus Plunges and Ferry Sinkings, a portfolio that might include countries where people shake fists at TV cameras and men always look as if there last shave was a week ago. How do they get that look [aka the Bronars look]? It's not quite a beard, not quite clean shaven. Bad razors? Good scissors? There could be directorates or missions for countries with Name Instability, and agencies or bureaus for countries with Name Stability. Name-stable countries include the United States of America, France, Canada [we'll see], Sweden and Australia. Name Stability correlates with power, prestige, money and being hated by billions of people in the name unstable world. The name instability desk: One thinks of Myanmar [Burma], Burkina Faso [Upper Volta], Cambodia [Kampuchea, which replaced, of all things, Cambodia], next to Thailand [Siam]. Expertise at the Name Instability Desk would include relic smuggling, cholera, and staying calm in the face of the sporadic nature of just about everything, such as electricity, tap water, presidencies, and mortar fire. Name instability correlates with the export of jute, sisal, copra and bauxite. Some countries have many names, which insures that the one you use is inappropriate: Japan/Nippon/Nihon, and Holland/The Netherlands. One of these stands alone: England/Britian/Great Britian/United Kingdom, and sometimes Albion. It could have its own desk, dealing with nations using sweet corn as a pizza topping, or nations whose subways are full of stone-drunk, tattooed men who stare very hard at you at ten in the morning, or nations with that "slightly gone to seed" feeling. We could apply this to the United States as well. Rather than have names like "the midwest" or "New England," we could group places where most people live in trailer parks and there are frequent tornadoes, towns where public services are so bad that the fire department doesn't make housecalls, and places where English is spoken as a second language but there doesn't seem to be a first language, like the Bronx and boarding schools. -- To unsubscribe from this list send a message containing the words unsubscribe joke to majordomo@eco.utexas.edu. Previous messages are available from http://eco.utexas.edu or gopher://eco.utexas.edu. From owner-joke@eco.utexas.edu Wed Oct 25 18:05:42 1995 Date: Wed, 25 Oct 95 18:05:42 CDT To: joke@eco.utexas.edu From: owner-joke@eco.utexas.edu (R Preston McAfee) Reply-To: mcafee@eco.utexas.edu Subject: Who cares if she's anatomically correct? Mattel has introduced a new, Divorced Barbie. She comes with all Ken's stuff. ___________________________________________ Thanks to Al Slivinski -- To unsubscribe from this list send a message containing the words unsubscribe joke to majordomo@eco.utexas.edu. Previous messages are available from http://eco.utexas.edu or gopher://eco.utexas.edu. From owner-joke@eco.utexas.edu Thu Nov 2 20:58:12 1995 Date: Thu, 2 Nov 95 20:58:12 CST To: joke@eco.utexas.edu From: owner-joke@eco.utexas.edu (R Preston McAfee) Reply-To: mcafee@eco.utexas.edu Subject: Abort, Retry, Ignore? This will appeal to some fraction of the subscribers and be hated by the rest; so you can abort after the first paragraph, as opposed to reading hoping it will get better. It won't. (It is to the meter of "The Raven" by Edgar Allen Poe...) Once upon a midnight dreary, fingers cramped and vision bleary, System manuals piled high and wasted paper on the floor, Longing for the warmth of bed sheets, still I sat there doing spreadsheets. Having reached the bottom line I took a floppy from the drawer, I then invoked the SAVE command and waited for the disk to store, Only this and nothing more. Deep into the monitor peering, long I sat there wond'ring, fearing, Doubting, while the disk kept churning, turning yet to churn some more. But the silence was unbroken, and the stillness gave no token. "Save!" I said, "You cursed mother! Save my data from before!" One thing did the phosphors answer, only this and nothing more, Just, "Abort, Retry, Ignore?" Was this some occult illusion, some maniacal intrusion? These were choices undesired, ones I'd never faced before. Carefully I weighed the choices as the disk made impish noises. The cursor flashed, insistent, waiting, baiting me to type some more. Clearly I must press a key, choosing one and nothing more, From "Abort, Retry, Ignore?" With fingers pale and trembling, slowly toward the keyboard bending, Longing for a happy ending, hoping all would be restored, Praying for some guarantee, timidly, I pressed a key. But on the screen there still persisted words appearing as before. Ghastly grim they blinked and taunted, haunted, as my patience wore, Saying "Abort, Retry, Ignore?" I tried to catch the chips off guard, and pressed again, but twice as hard. I pleaded with the cursed machine: I begged and cried and then I swore. Now in mighty desperation, trying random combinations, Still there came the incantation, just as senseless as before. Cursor blinking, angrily winking, blinking nonsense as before. Reading, "Abort, Retry, Ignore?" There I sat, distraught, exhausted, by my own machine accosted. Getting up I turned away and paced across the office floor. And then I saw a dreadful sight: a lightning bolt cut through the n